Good Morning Campers!
Welcome to the first edition of Dragon Laffs produced from my new laptop! I must say I was really looking forward to setting up this new laptop. I was EXCITED! I could set it up anyway I wanted. I could learn from all the mistakes I’d made in the past and make this the perfect laptop.
What a pain in the ass it’s been!
So, anyway, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. A day that some people claim was made up by the greeting card companies to sell more cards. Well, here’s the true low-down on this romantic holiday.
The following videos were found by the History Channel to explain this holiday.
Nothing says “I Love You” like Slapping your honey with strips of animal skin!
Average American spends $130 on Valentine’s Day? Man, I got a long way to go! So much for my little box of chocolates.
Well, let’s get on with today’s issue and I’ll be sure to intersperse more fun Valentine’s Day stuff in between the regular good fun!
But not to cast too much fun on this holiday, this could be a really crappy Valentine’s Day…at least according to Ghost Busters II
And since it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, let me present to you the Impish Dragon Top 10 Valentine poems. These are all quick verses, suitable for putting into cards or on a cake and that I have found over the years, exactly express my feelings.
So, here they are, starting with number 10…
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you’d be my ho.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.
3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.
2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Granted, that last one got me slapped, really hard, by both the girl AND her sister!
A group of women were at a seminar to learn how to have a more loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 11 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?
Mrs Dragon informed me that if I ever answered her with any of those 11 responses she’d hit me. She didn’t say with what, just that she’d hit me.
When Football was really a game. Johnny Carson interviewing Art Donovan
We recently had a conversation with Ginny about just that subject. As a gentleman dragon I can’t comment on exactly WHAT was said, but I will say that Paul is one lucky S.O.B.!
Okay, so the Valentine’s Day wishes aren’t getting any better.
For all of you who may not realize or know, this is the definition of
A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
Amen Marvin! I’m with you 100%. Let them just try to take my Illudium P-36 Explosive Space Modulator! Go ahead. I dare you!!
Because it’s cool. I don’t know why else I would’ve put this one in. I can’t think of any good stories to go along with it or anything like that…although it does kinda look like one of my kidney stones. And the fire is a great representation of what the pain feels like. So, there you go. It’s the artist’s rendition of a kidney stone.
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”
“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.
“Will you use it to gamble?”
“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”
“Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”
The man replied: “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.”
There is always a plus in life. All you have to do is just watch for it.
It’s so much fun having a new computer and having it actually type the letters I want it to type without having to push down hard on the letter r or watch and keep clicking the ‘ to see when it eventually appears on the screen.
Just thought I’d throw that in there.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Ireland.
Eventually he shot down a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over it, the little, green farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
Lethal Leprechaun, who was at this time in his life, a farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in Ireland and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The Leprechaun smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Northern Ireland. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
Lethal replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the little leprechaun. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
Our little green hero slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the leprechaun’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you little, green fart. Now it’s my turn.”
Lethal Leprechaun smiled and said, “You know what? Take the duck.”
Never, ever mess with the Leprechaun!
In case you can’t hear the little smiley, he’s doing a rimshot.
This is just too much. I don’t know if this lady just doesn’t get it or if she’s yanking his chain. Hilarious.
How he stayed as upbeat as he did is beyond me.
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debated in New Hampshire Thursday and argued over the of socialism. A good popped up the next day. A Vermont artist on Friday offered to tattoo a likeness of Bernie Sanders to any registered voter for free, forty dollars after taxes.
Are you stressed out? Tired? Irritable? Here’s the cure!
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed.
After the first 3 years, the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”.
“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
– “Bed hard!“. The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
– “I quit!” said the man.
“Well,” the abbot replied, “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!“
And here we go again!!
This is a TRUE Buddy!
Yes, we had lots of fun with Valentine’s Day and motivationals today, but the last one speaks volumes as to the true nature of love. And what does Valentine’s Day mean to me? Well, it’s a lot like this next picture that Lethal sent to me. This is the kind of love that I want. And the kind that I know I have:
You can forget everything in life, but your one true love.
Friends, may your Valentine’s Day tomorrow be special and sweet and may the love you feel last forever.