Dragon Laffs #1473


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6 January 2016

Good Morning Campers!

It’s happened!!!

Woo Hoo!

My new (to me) laptop got here yesterday! 

17.3 inch Screen
1 TB of storage
Touch Screen

And a fantastic price because it’s refurbished.  It may not last more than a couple of years, but the one that I’ve had for many, many years is about done.  I’ve done all the updates and put a lot of the storage on a portable hard drive and I’ve worked around the keys that don’t quite work anymore, that long time that it takes to start up and the strange noises it makes as it operates.

I spoke to it a few weeks ago and it told me that it would try to hold on till the new one got here, but it’s getting hard to keep up and I’m tired.  It’s time for me to pass.

So, this is the last issue from my old standby.

Next week’s issue will be from the new guy…if I can get it spun up and working the way that I want.  And if I can get all the applications installed the way that I want…and….we’ll see.

But right now, I have to work all weekend so let’s get this party started:

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4b

Being a Dad is not easy.  In fact, it’s probably the hardest job in the world, second only to being a Mom.  One of the things I learned early on is that you gotta blend some humor in with the raising and disciplining stuff if you want your child to grow up to be a well-rounded child.  So, this Dad gets it. 

The CDC warned border state health officials to beware the mosquito-borne Zika virus that’s entering the U.S. from Latin America. The disease’s symptoms set off alarm bells on the West Coast. Any disease which causes listlessness and brain damage could go undetected for years in Los Angeles.

This Zika virus is pretty scary stuff.  And that’s coming from a guy who works with scary stuff for a living.  The virus is spread to people through mosquito bites.  But, that may not be true any longer.  I just read a report that supposes that the virus was transmitted from one person to another through sexual contact. http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/02/health/zika-virus-sexual-contact-texas/index.html

It is the first known case of an American getting Zika locally.  In other words, all cases up to this point have been from someone who has been to South America and been bitten by an infected mosquito.

The symptoms include fever, rash, joint pain, and conjunctivitis or red eyes.  It’s usually mild with symptoms lasting from several days to a week.  Severe cases requiring hospitalization are rare.

So, why are we worried about it, if it’s just mild symptoms?

From my viewpoint as a CBRNE (Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear and high-yield Explosive) Survival Instructor, any disease or virus that is transmitted by mosquito has the potential to mutate into something worse.  It’s already mutated by being able to have human to human contact.  Trust me when I tell you that it doesn’t bode well.

The particular mosquitoes that transmit this disease do not travel more than like 50 feet or so from their birth place, so the odds of them making their way up to the US are pretty slim…unless it mutates…which it already has.

So, you see why someone who plays with nerve agents and anthrax for a living is a little concerned about this stuff?

1c

Yes.  Yes, we did.

 

Hey Hillary.  Pay attention, this next one is for you…

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Good ole Maggie…we need a few more like her around!

 

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People are always making monuments to me.

 

1

Jeannie who is Gracie and I have been talking about this back and forth for several days and both of us have said how often this has happened to us.  And I know for a fact, cause I share books with some of them, that quite a few people who read this ezine are sitting at their desks right now nodding their heads thinking of times that this has happened to them.

 

1b

If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

 

Okay, do you guys remember this from Wednesday in Leprechaun Laffs?
2f

Cream Cheese Swirled Banana Zucchini Bread

If there is anything you should know about Impish and my culinary predilections (aside from the fact we both like to cook and eat) its that we’re both gaga over Banana Bread. When I found this recipe I immediately shared it with Impish who in turn immediately volunteered to test drive it. Look for his comments on the recipe Saturday.

Well, here it is!  What a great and simple recipe this was.  Here’s my repor5t:

I’ll take this one step at a time.  The first thing I did was set the oven to:

This was pretty much my first mistake with this recipe since I was taking notes and pictures through out the entire thing, I really didn’t need the oven for at least 30 minutes so I wasted some heat, but that’s okay, since you won’t have that problem.5a
Then I had to grease and flour a 9×5 inch loaf pan.  I was taught a LONG time ago how to do this the RIGHT way, so as you can see, my pan looks pretty good:
5b

After that, I did something that I don’t usually do when I’m cooking at home for myself or my family, but something I used to do all the time when I was training new cooks, chefs, bakers, etc.  I took out and premeasured all the ingredients so that we could concentrate on the actual cooking and what the recipe is really trying to make.  So, I did it hear, photographed it and labeled it all.  Well, I labeled it all for the5c picture, I didn’t label it in real life.

Next we added the flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda and salt to a large bowl.  And this is what that looked like:

 
5d

 

Many people don’t realize that it’s important to mix dry ingredients as well as wet ingredients.  So, what I always do is grab a whisk and stir up the powdered ingredients so that it looks like this:

 

5e

Next we do the same thing with the wet ingredients.  We add the egg, bananas, oil and vanilla extract to a smaller bowl.  The problem is, that this REALLY doesn’t look as good as the dry ingredients:

I won’t say what it looks like to me.  I’m sure you can figure that out for yourself.  I used VERY ripe bananas that we had frozen some months back and froze.  Thawed them out and put them in the mix.  Yes, we actually have bananas frozen for just this type of occasion.  Like Lethal said in his Wednesday issue, we both LOVE our banana bread.

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Now, we’re going to mix that and as you can see, it looks better, but not by much:

 

 

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Now we start adding the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients.  I used the electric mixer for this because #1 I’m lazy, #2 my arthritis won’t let me mix by hand too much anymore and #3 I’m lazy.  Next you fold in the zucchini.  Now, folding the zucchini was really tough.  It didn’t fold at all.  So, instead, I shredded it and added it to the mix.
Okay, reality check here.  Folding means adding it in to the mix and stirring it downward in a folding motion.  I didn’t do that.  I added it in and beat the hell out of it with the mixer because I like the zucchini mixed in well.

5h

 

You now pour half the mixture into your greased and floured 9×5 loaf pan.  That was probably the easiest part of the whole recipe.

 

Now, the next part is where it starts getting difficult.  It doesn’t work out as well as the recipe says it will and had I to do it again, I would’ve done it differently.5i

You put the softened cream cheese, sugar and the other egg in a small bowl and whip it till it’s creamy.  Make sure the cream cheese is REALLY soft.  And I still don’t think that’s enough to get it as creamy as it should be.  Beat those ingredients into submission. 

What I would’ve done different is to add a little milk or another 5jegg or some melted butter or something to make it a bit softer.

The recipe says to then pour this over the the batter in the pan, but you weren’t pouring this stuff anywhere.  It was too stiff.  So, I used an old lasagna trick to put the ricotta cheese on the lasagna by spooning the mixture into a zip lock bag, cutting a tiny piece off the corner and making a home-made pastry bag.  I’ve done this with icing on a cake and all kinds of different things.
5k

Then you squeeze it out on top of the mixture and it looks like this:

It works.

It’s not pretty.

But, it works.

5l

 

Then you add the rest of the batter on top.  And throw it in the oven for 50-60 minutes.

except

For me, it took about 90 minutes before it was done all the way.  I’m not sure if my pan was too deep (a 9×5 pan is a 9×5 pan.  That shouldn’t have mattered)  or whether it was something else.  I almost think that using a 9×9 inch pan would’ve been better.  But, when it was done, it came out of the oven and looked and smelled SO GOOD!!!

And once we cut it and ate it…. oh my gawd!  … it was great!  Thanks Lethal for pushing this one and letting me in on it a little early so I could try it out.  And thanks to all of you for hanging with me through this explanation.

5n5o5m

 

2

 

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
 
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
 
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
 
 On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
 
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”  So he continued on his way.
 
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
 
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
 
So the king hired the donkey.  And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
 
And the practice is unbroken to this date…

 

2a

 

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This is the view from outside the vacation mountain.  And yes, it’s real and no, I won’t tell you how.

 

2b

But she will still not hesitate to tell you how poor she is.

 

A guy walks into a Washington, D.C., Catholic Church confessional. He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat up a congressman.”
The priest responds, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service work.”

 

4a

 

Have you ever found yourself out numbered in a snowball fight?  Get plastered with snowballs and buried in the snow?  Well, no more my friend.  Watch:

 

2c

But she’s broke.  Just ask her.  She’ll tell you.

 

9c

 

2d

 

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a84

a85

a86

a87

a88

 

9d

 

2e

 

9e

 

 

2f

 

9f

 

 

4c

 

 

9g

 

 

1780

 

 

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educated

It was horrible

It was Me

it was

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1781

 

Don’t you wish that this is how it really was?  People would wake up real fast!!

The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’, as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially

Gordon O’Connor
Minister of National Defense

 

This one was sent in by the Whelpling and it just cracked me up!
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Now, that’s a perfectly good explanation to me.

 

And this one is from buddy Wheats.  Who titles this, a Socialist is a Socialist
2g

If you can’t read the sign, it says Bernie.

 

A Mexican teen came up to the Mexican border riding his bicycle carrying  two large bags on his shoulders. The officer stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
 
“Sand,” he answers.
 
The officer says, “We’ll just see about that.” He takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the teen overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases him, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the lad’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
 
A day later, the same thing happens. The officer asks, “What have you got?”
 
“Sand,” says the youngster.
 
The officer does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to him, and the young man crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. One day, the teen doesn’t show. Days pass and the officer never sees him. A month later, a messenger comes and hands the officer an invitation for a house warming.
 
When he gets to the address, he sees it’s a large villa with a pool, and many guests celebrating. Inside he finds the teen, holding a glass of wine and enjoying his guests.
 
“Hey, Buddy,” says the officer , “It’s driving me crazy. How are you so rich when all you were carrying across the border was sand? Just between you and me, what were you smuggling?”
 
The youngster flashes a smile and says: “Bicycles.”

 

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We’ll wrap up today’s issue with a fairy tale.  But, aye, not just any fairy tale.  ‘Tis the tale of the three little pigs, but mayhaps performed as M’Lord Shakespeare may have intoned. 

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1473

  1. Jeannie says:

    Another GREAT issue, Impish!! I loved The Three little Pigs tale!

  2. Ginny says:

    I am very impressed and never knew any of this. You are a real “KEEPER

  3. Maggie says:

    Impish,, happy for you that you got a new computer A note about the baking,,, a 9×5 is a 9×5 what could make a difference is several things,, 1 whether the pan is metal, glass, or silicone,,2,, the altitude at which you bake,,3,,and if the oven is calibrated correctly. You do need to check that out every now and then, To do that you need an accurate oven thermometer. I love the recipes that you fellas put in here. Keep up the good work>s>

  4. Ginny says:

    To begin with, you truly out did yourself on today’s issue. Next, good luck with your new puter…but what the hell storage is TB? Following is how long have you been holding out on me that you were a cook? That’s just wrong, my dearest and craziest friends both cook, and my main man Paul does NOT!

    • impishdragon says:

      A terabyte(TB) is 1000 gigabytes (GB)
      I’ve been cooking all my life it seems. I’ve worked as a cook, both part time while I was in the Air Force (because we all know how well the military pays) and full time.
      I’ve worked everywhere from the little chicken sharks that you find in malls to the fancy high end restaurants where it takes a month to get a reservation. And EVERYTHING in between. So yeah. I can cook. LOL!
      I’m glad you enjoyed the issue, Ginny dear. Thanks for the kind words.

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