As you settle in your seat, you see an empty stage with curtains drawn. Off to one side you can see several of the regular Dragon Laffs staff and friends huddled together and speaking quietly. Ginny steps away from the group long enough to answer her cell phone. She speaks quietly for a moment or so and then leans over to the group, shaking her head and speaking.
By straining your ears you believe you hear the words “Leprechaun says” and “still missing.” And you realize that Impish must still be missing from Thanksgiving. Before you can speculate further, the curtains part slightly and a troll steps out on stage.
He looks over toward the group and Ginny shakes her head no. The troll’s shoulders lift as he sighs and steps forward.
“Ahem, I’d like to make a short statement. My name is Terrence Troll and I’m Mr. Impish Dragon’s office assistant. As you may know from Mr. Lethal Leprechaun’s last issue, shortly after the Thanksgiving Feast, Impish Dragon went missing. There have been several unconfirmed sightings of our dear blue dragon, but nothing documented.”
“There is no reason to assume that foul play has occurred. Mr. Dragon usually goes into a food gluttony induced coma shortly after most holidays, especially those that traditionally serve food. There are some significant differences with this time in the length of the coma, the amount of turkey Mr. Dragon actually consumed and the obvious fact that no one seems to be able to find him.”
“Now, we fully expect to find him in some hidden valley in the mountains here about, or a cave or cavern that we don’t know about, although Mr. Leprechaun says he knows of every one of his hideouts. We have crews out searching for him and expect to hear something at any time.”
“If you are worried about your issue, fear not, for Mr. Dragon had most of it completed before his disappearance, and it was my own efforts that completed this issue and put it in acceptable order. (Just like I do EVERY week.)
“So, without any further ado…”
Okay, that’s just mean! He’s just as much of an ass as this guy is:
If you go to the dictionary right now, and look up the word “asshole” you’ll see a picture of these guys.
I know Thanksgiving is over for this year…well, at least the holiday is over. There are those of you that are still enjoying leftover turkey, dressing, stuffing (yes there is a difference) and in that thought process, I found this quite enjoyable so I thought I’d share it with you. Thanks to Jean for sending it in. It’s entitled “A Letter From Grandma”
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not
2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.
Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things.
Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the
garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little
bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.
Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.
Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You, Grandma
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
Breaking News! No Nativity Scene in the Nation’s Capitol This Year
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas Season.
Now, before you get all upset and angry over this news, it has nothing to do with religion.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Washington D.C.
The search for a virgin continues, with no success in sight.
One bit of good news: There was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable…several times.
Stay tuned for further developments….or not.
Busy, busy, busy! Dragons around the world are wrapping presents and piling them up for the wonderful sleigh ride with Santa. The reindeer and dragons cooperate to pull Santa’s sleigh. Actually, it’s only me on the dragon side…and I only pull it over certain restricted airspace. But, you’ll hear more about that as the month goes on.
Now guys, pay attention. This is for your own safety. The above cartoon may be funny, but it demonstrates a very accurate womanly trait. If the pause goes beyond five seconds, that’s 5 seconds, then you must, for your own safety, bail from the discussion and live to fight another day. Now, five seconds is just a rule of thumb. For some it may be longer, but for others…it might be shorter. Only you know your own wife. When escaping the situation, take advantage of natural cover, move in a serpentine manner, staying as low as possible, and whatever you do, DON’T LOOK BACK!!!
Thanks to Jean for sending this one in. It is so adorably cute!
The following is an outstanding essay from the Common Constitutionalist. It’s not a very long read, I’m just not going to post the whole thing here, but follow the link at the end to finish reading. It is well worth it.
But We Are At War With Mexico
by: the Common Constitutionalist
Any reasonable person would have recently joined in a collective belly laugh of irony at the cojones Obama appears to have when dealing with what he must think is a lesser nation like Turkey. This administration making demands of Turkey to close its border with Syria has to be one the most absurd utterances made by them yet, and that’s saying something.
Yet insist they did. “The game has changed. Enough is enough. The border needs to be sealed,” an Obama administration official said. The Obamites estimate “that about 30,000 troops are needed to block ISIS movements.”
To this, a Turkish official pointed out the pot-calling-the-kettle-black irony we are already aware of – that the U.S. can’t (won’t) close its own border, yet they lecture the Turks. In response, a U.S. official said, “If we were at war with Mexico, we’d close that border.”
To read the rest of this article go to: http://commonconstitutionalist.com/current-events/but-we-are-at-war-with-mexico/
Okay, be honest. How many of you out there read that and said, either to yourself or out loud, “No Shit!”
I’m not saying this is Diaman and I’m not saying this is Ginny, but this is definitely one of the young ladies who works with us. Posing for Santa Dragon.
Okay, so we all know that Parents tell little white lies to their kids, right? Well, some of those lies are a little worse than others. Here’s some of the best:
I KNEW IT!!!!!
I knew that Sinead O’Connor wasn’t a naturally born person!!!
What am I talking about you say? Read on dear camper, read on.
Top Ten Things Global Warming Caused Besides Terrorism
There’s now consensus: Global warming causes terrorism.
Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders declared it so during a Democratic presidential debate. No more proof was needed, of course, but now President Obama has declared it, too.
Speaking at an international climate change conference in Paris this week, Obama provided “a glimpse of our children’s fate if the climate keeps changing faster than our efforts to address it.” This will include: “Submerged countries. Abandoned cities. Fields that no longer grow. Political disruptions that trigger new conflict, and even more floods of desperate peoples seeking the sanctuary of nations not their own.”
But Prime Minister Enele Sopoaga of the Pacific island nation of Tuvalu went further than America’s community organizer, declaring that “the effects of climate change … we strongly believe is also the cause of radicalism and terrorism.”
Well, we at LifeZette also strongly believe in the power of climate change, which itself may be imaginary but, whatever. As a service to you, the reader, we reveal 10 other horrible things global warming causes in addition to terrorism.
1. Obesity: Many are under the erroneous impression obesity is caused by eating too much and exercising too little. Nope. It’s now established that obesity is caused by global warming.
2. Disco: Disco was one of the worst things to happen to the ’70s. It, too, was caused by global warming. In fact, the two deceased Bee Gees each confirmed this before their deaths.
For the other eight things, finish reading here: http://www.whitehousedossier.com/2015/12/02/top-ten-global-warming-caused-terrorism/
You mean, while the parent is beating the kids ass? I mean, spanking the child? I mean….no, that’s what I mean. Impish, why are you kids so well behaved? See that natural padding that God put on their bottoms? You don’t actually think it’s just for them to sit down on, do you?
Now, I don’t advocate beating your children (although there have been quite a few parents I’ve seen that need to be beaten), but I do believe a good spanking does so much more good for a child than any kind of “time out” does.
I’m Impish Dragon and I approve of this ad.
Okay, this next link is crazy funny. The problem is, I can’t copy it here, I can only give you the link. But let me tell you that THIS is WELL worth clicking on!
27 Ridiculous People Who Will Make You Lose All Faith In Humanity
We all may have seen this one before, but it made me laugh, so I have to print it. Those are the rules.
I worked with police officers for many years, and to some extent, I still do, although not nearly as closely as I used to. On my last day of being a 911 dispatcher, about 2 hours after I got off shift, a dear friend of mine, a Indiana State Police Detective was killed on the side of the highway, on his way home, while stopping to help what he thought was a broken down vehicle with someone inside.
Instead, inside the vehicle was a man suffering from mental problems, who had escaped from his guardians and fled to Indiana. He was about to commit suicide when my friend stepped up to the window to offer assistance. He shot my friend dead and then shot himself.
My dear, darling wife found this poem and shared it with me and I just needed to share it with all of you. Especially those of you who work in public service. You know that every stop could be your last.
“The Final Inspection”
The policeman stood and faced his God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
“Step forward now, policeman,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My church have you been true?”
The policeman squared his shoulders,
And said, “No Lord. I guess I ain’t.
Because those who carry badges,
Can’t always be a saint.”
“I’ve had to work most Sundays,
and at times my talk was rough…
and sometimes I’ve been violent,
because the streets are awful tough.”
“But I never took a penny,
That wasn’t mine to keep…
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.”
“And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I wept unmanly tears.”
“I know I don’t deserve a place,
among the people here.
The never wanted me around,
except to calm their fear.”
“If you’ve a place for me here, Lord,
it needn’t be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But, if you don’t…I’ll understand.”
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where saints had often trod,
As the policeman waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
“Step forward now, policeman,
You’ve borne your burdens well.
Come walk a beat on heaven’s streets,
You’ve done your time in hell.”
– Author Unknown
So very, very true and so very, very sad.
Exactly why I no longer have a scale in my home, and why there are several bullet holes in the floor of my bathroom.
It’s late, I’m tired and I’m working in the morning, so sadly, we must bring another issue to a close. As of the conclusion of this issue, Mr. Dragon has still not been found. I hope you find my ending of this issue satisfactory. Hopefully, Impish will be found by next week. Until then…
Excellent issue and so very enjoyable.