Dragon Laffs #1452


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Good Morning Campers,

I FOUND IT!!! I FINALLY FOUND IT!!!  The pizza slice fit for a dragon!  I’ve got to make this intro quick, so I can track down where this picture came from!
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This is awesome!  I’ll be back in a …. what’s that?
Ginny says that Lethal has made it so I can’t leave until my whole presentation is finished.
But…
But…
I was just gonna leave all these nice campers here reading the issue, find the pizza and be right back.
But…
But…

Okay, okay.  No buses!  I’ll go later.

I must say that the turn out for this year’s donation drive is a bit disappointing.  Not a single new person donated since Lethal’s issue on Wednesday.  So, even Ginny’s plea didn’t go over.

So, Ginny did a little something for me to try and drum up a few more donations.  With our four new people from last week added:  Donald G., Gail B., and Joseph C.

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Sadly, only 14 people have donated for this year’s bills.  I think that is showing a lack of satisfaction with our site.  So, maybe that tells us that we aren’t reaching the people or satisfying them the way we used to.  Let us know you appreciate our work. 

It’s not the money, it’s the appreciation.

Now it’s time to move on, so…

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A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. 

A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes inserted, etc. for a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and declare, “Scottish.”

The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and announced, “Irish.”
This act tired them out so badly it was almost a week before the first summoned up the strength to announce, “Glasgow.”

Again the second replied in a reedy, frail voice, “Dublin.”  Once more, the strain was too much for them both; they passed out.

Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say, “Jimmy.”

Replied the Irishman: “Lethal Leprechaun.”

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, “Cancer.”


Lethal responded: “Libra.”

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How sad it is to work in an office with no humor.  Poor clowns.

 

I couldn’t help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy:  “Man you look tired.”
His buddy says , “Man I’m exhausted.  My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.   She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day, ​I just don’t knowdrunk what to do.”
A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: “Marry her.  That’ll put a stop to that shit.”

 

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Here’s a snapped photograph of me, just hanging around.  This was in one of my quiet, contemplative moods.

I know I don’t look contemplative or quiet, but that is how I look.  When I’m angry and reactionary, it is extraordinarily hard to get a picture of me, because most creatures are running for their lives.

As it is, I believe I ate the photographer after he took my picture, but going through his camera, I really liked this picture of me, so I kept it.

I kept the camera, too.  Sold it on ebay.

Well, honestly, had I eaten it, too, not only would I not have gotten this picture, but there’s a good chance the camera would’ve gotten stuck in my teeth.  You have  no idea how hard it is to find a tooth pick in my size!

See, no one knows how tough it is to be me!

Sigh!

 

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Okay, it’s time to poke some fun at our politics.  This is an equal opportunity poking session.  It’s not my fault that all the poking seems to be pointed at the liberal left.  Truly it’s not.

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My oh my.  Even Dorothy can see it in her “dreams”.

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Way too much truth to be that funny, I know. 

JUST HOT OFF THE WIRES………Breaking News – Bruce Jenner Transition Fires New  Speculation

Wash. DC – Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced stating that gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Jenner has confirmed  the story and  members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner’s  intentions concerning his surgery.

Now it appears a number of world  leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud
“What will happen to Jenner’s balls if he completes  the transition?”

Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his balls to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated “Everyone knows Obama has no balls and it would be damn nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized balls. It would be a huge step  forward for world peace.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel  remarked ” I don’t even have any balls, but everyone tells me I
have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea.”

On the other hand, Russian President  Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in
proclaiming that Obama’s lack of balls has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing  expedition in Kanchatka, said
“The days of U.S. Presidents with big balls like Reagan are over. Now  it’s  our turn.“

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani  remarked earlier in the week that “It’s been great the last six years. It’s like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net”

While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that  “The President would have to understand, our balls would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement  over what he seems to be working with.”

And neither Brady nor Belichick will get in any trouble for under-inflating those balls, either.

 

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And you know what, you two?  The American people are getting sick and bloody tired of it!

 

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But really, what difference does it make now?

Bitch!

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Can I get an AMEN!!!  Amen

Amen

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You should be worried.  You should be VERY worried!

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See, I can pick on Trump, too.
And he swears it’s not a toupee.

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Here’s a really cool graphic from our friends at makeuseof.comLogo-Corrected if you’re a Star Wars fan.  And who isn’t?

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I had no idea!  I’m not really a video game player, my reactions are no longer as fast as they used to be and even on the easy settings, I find it frustrating to get killed as easily as I end up.  But, the books and the movies….yeah, I can do that.

And this one comes to us from Grumpy.  What?  You didn’t know that the Seven Dwarfs are part of our staff?  Well, you learn something new everyday, don’t ya!

E ight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
 
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood. 

Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
 
Male….. Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . 
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. 

Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. 
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
 
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one
 .
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book. 

Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
Female…. An embarrassing by
  product of indigestion. 
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 

Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND; 

He said….
 I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. 
She said…. You wear pants don’t you? 


He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
 
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
 

He said….. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? 

She said ….Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
 

He said….. Why are married women heavier than single women? 
She said….. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.  Oh no she didn’t!!!

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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
“You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she scoffed.

I replied, in my most sneering and lugubrious tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses…now I’ll have to kill you too.”

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Our Archery Coach.  She and her team have won many awards and our DL&LL School has taken first place ever since she has joined our school.  It just seems like the other team can’t seem to concentrate. 

 

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Okay, so what’s with that?  Everyone who’s ever owned a cat has witnessed this phenomenon.  I’ve seen my dog do it, too, but not near as much as any cat I’ve ever owned.  Well, you don’t really own a cat, they are more like house guests that you are putting up with.

Some people say that cats can see ghosts or other “other-worldly” things.  As far as the dog goes, I just think she’s moronic.

What do you think?

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This could easily fall under the category of “Oldie, But Goodie” because it’s been around for so long, but I think it’s still funny, so here you go.

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: ‘There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.’

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
‘Will I be acquitted?’

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I’m sure many of you saw or heard about Obama’s recent trip to the Alaskan Glaciers to reinforce “Global Warming”.  What a fucking hypocrite.  I could go on, but this essay on Minutemannews.com says it much better than I can…

WHAT A JOKE! The Real Scoop on Obama’s Trip to Look at Glaciers

Did you see this rather ironic story on IsThatBaloney.com?   Evidently, Mr. Obama is SOOO concerned about the environment that he had fly to Alaska and get his picture taken with the melting glaciers threatening our very existence.   The irony is the ‘cost’ to the environment (not to mention, the taxpayers) for making such a monumental trip.

From IsThatBaloney.com:

1. Air Force One burns 5 gallons of fuel for every mile it travels.

2. It is roughly 4,000 air miles to Anchorage Alaska from Washington DC thus taking 20,000 gallons of expensive fuel to get there.

3. Jet fuel puts 21.1 pounds of carbon into the atmosphere for every gallon burned thus pumping out 422,000 pounds or 211 tons of CO2 to get to Alaska.

4. It costs $228,000 an hour to operate Air Force One.

5. It is roughly an 8.5 hour flight to Anchorage from DC thus costing $1,938,000 to get President Obama to Alaska.

6. Obama has to get back, so DOUBLE all those costs and impacts for a total of 40,000 gallons of fuel burned, 844,000 pounds or 422 tons of CO2 emitted costing $3,876,000, just to fly Air Force One, so Obama can look like he is doing something about climate change.

7. That does not include any military support planes, multiple gas guzzling limos, accommodations for some 50 secret service agents, local police and other resources. When you add all that in, President Obama probably costs the American taxpayers $10 million or more so he could have his picture taken.

It is beyond all rational thinking to grasp how folks are so easily swayed by the hype surrounding climate change – and the hypocritical ‘stance’ of most liberals.  Obama is hypocrite number one.  He could care less about the environment – the trip to Alaska actually proved that.  His agenda is much greater, but these idiots are too stupid to recognize it.

This whole thing made me think of Ted Cruz’s response to some climate change activists the other day. Did you see the story on Right Scoop?

I’m going to post just Cruz’s bottom line – the point where he schools the activists on the reality of climate change.   It’s BRILLIANT.   Of course, Cruz isn’t going to get the attention that Obama gets jetting across the country in Air Force One to “save the planet.”    Go to Right Scoop and watch the interaction, but here is Cruz’s response when asked if he believed in Climate change…

Cruz- “… Let’s step back for a second and look at this with some historical perspective. Thirty to forty years ago there were a group of political liberal and scientists who said we were facing global cooling. They said we were headed toward a global ice age and the solution to global cooling was increased was massive government control of the economy, the energy sector, and every aspect of our lives. Then the data disproved it. It was not in fact correct that we were seeing global cooling. So that was kind of a problem. Then many of these same political liberals, and many of these same scientists they then latched on to a new theory, it’s called global warming. And the new theory of global warming interestingly enough, the solution was the exact same as the solution had been for global cooling. It was massive government control of the economy, the energy sector, and every aspect of our lives. But then the problem became the data and evidence didn’t back up global warming. In particular if you look at the satellite data. Listen I am the son of two scientists and mathematicians. It is the essence of science to look to the evidence. In the last eighteen years there has been no meaningful recorded warming according to the satellite data. So all of a sudden all these political liberals, the evidence and data didn’t back them up. So then the theory changed to a third version, it’s just been in the last few years when the theory magically transformed into climate change. And climate change from the perspective of a political liberal who wants government power climate change is the perfect pseudo-scientific theory. Why is that? Because it can never be disproven. Whether it’s hotter or colder, whether is wetter or drier the climate is always changing. Now you asked a question, ‘do you believe in climate change?’. Of course! From the dawn of time the climate has been changing. Until the end of time the climate will change. And yet interestingly enough the political liberals, their solution to climate change is exactly the same as it was to global cooling and global warming. Massive government control of the economy, energy sector, and our lives. And when you start to see politicians who propose the exact same solution to every problem regardless of the facts or the data you start to think these are politicians who just want power over our lives. You know what I’m interested in? I’m interested in the single moms who are working here who are struggling to feed their families and are seeing their electric bills skyrocketing because these political liberals are driving up their electric bills, driving up their energy bills, making it harder and harder to provide for their kids. We need to follow the facts and data and not just give power to a bunch of out of touch elites in Washington over our lives.”

Honestly, I love Cruz!   Our nation would benefit from having a man like him as President.  As for our ‘acting’ President – well, there is nothing nice to say – and that’s putting it nicely.

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It’s the law.  Sorry, but that’s how it is.

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Dragons have a similar reaction to Dragons Bane.

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Get down Charlie!  You’re going to ruin it for everyone!

 

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George knew it was wrong, but the damn turtle was getting all the lime light and he’d had enough!

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I know, right!  And hear colors!  That’s the loudest blue I’ve ever heard!

 

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Football season officially started this Last Thursday night with Lethal’s favorite New England Patriots hosting the Pittsburg Steelers.

As for me, my Colts are playing Buffalo and my Packers are playing da’ Bears, both are on tomorrow at 1 pm.  With the new NFL Ticket that came free this year with DirecTV, I should be able to watch both of them.  I’m gonna try out that new picture-in-picture.  Woo Hoo!  I can’t wait!

 

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motivational3

Immaturity

Immigrants

Important Notice

Impressions

In Case of Fire

 

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My wife is weird, she starts every conversation with, “Were you even listening to me?”

 

Here is the perfect rendition of us at work:
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Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah… no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”

“No!” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard. Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.”

 

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This one is dedicated to all you parents out there.  I’m pretty sure that school is back in session for everyone.  Ain’t it great!!!

 

A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.  He was in his mid nineties.
 
He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.
 
He presented a very well looked after image, Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).
 
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her.
 
He orders a drink.
 
He takes a sip.
 
He slowly turns to her and says, So tell me, do I come here often?”

 

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What an excellent idea!  I’m definitely going to use that one on the littlest dragon!

Well folks, that’s it for today.  I hope I helped some of you laugh or at least have a pleasant morning.  Now I’m off to find that giant slice of pizza.

Don’t forget to hit the donate button at the top right and throw a couple of bucks our way.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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16 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1452

  1. Ginny says:

    Great and fun-filled issue Impish. It was me who sent you the picture of the pizza…don’t believe that jovial Lethal Leprechaun. You know how he loves to tease, torture and jerk your chain….my dear Impish that slice of pizza was from your favorite place down South Jersey! I’m having it FED EX to you, should be there by Monday the latest.
    Now…lets talk about the annual drive for donations…..For the 14 who did donate…so how do you like your state license plate in your name? For those who haven’t….I have lot’s of cool stuff I can make with your name for $1 or more. Come on people…..it’s only once a year we can show Impish and Lethal that we truly love their weekly issues.
    Wishing you all a great weekend….dig deep…break open the piggy banks….look under mattresses, or your secret hiding place…and DONATE…..PLEASE!!!!!!

  2. lethalleprechaun says:

    Dude-
    I’ve known about the alleged ‘pizza slice’ for a while now. It’s neither a slice nor real pizza.
    First off the flour for the dough is made from chic peas and rice.
    Secondly its VEGETARIAN! No tomato sauce! They use kashkeh bademjoon or borani.which is a roasted eggplant dip. It’s covered in a variety of veggies like eggplant, tomatoes, brined grape leaves, onions, chic peas, garlic and chopped roasted cauliflower.
    Third the cheese is made from goat and camel milk and smells like a ghouls morning breath.
    Fourth if you take a close look at the photo (now that you can look at something besides the pizza slice) you’ll see the they guy behind it as well as the one outside is clearly Indian, Pakastani or some other varital of towel-on-the-head-sand-in-their-butt-irratating-as-hell-with-their-Islam-is-all- that-matters-attitude-istan or in other terms the dragon litter box that is the Middle East!

    I’ve been keep its exsistance from you to save your sacley hide the disappointment and let down of finding out it only LOOKS like a Dragon sized pizza slice and is actually a dragon TRAP.

    • impishdragon says:

      Lethal,
      As thankful as I am that you saved me from, what is now, such an obvious trap, my disappointment is monumental. To make up for that, I’m going to have to raze a local pizza parlor. Anyone in particular you don’t like?

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        Well, I do so hate Little Caesars, why not find one next to a Mickey D’s and make some pizza burgers? MEan time I’ll see if I can locate a Dragon sized slice for you for Wednesday

      • impishdragon says:

        You’re such a great pal!! I know just where to go. There’s a little Caesars near an McD with a Taco Bell between them. I can have some taco pizza burgers.

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!

      • impishdragon says:

        ROFLMAO!!
        Well, it beats the hell out of a dragon sized stinky vegetarian so called pizza!!!!

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        ‘Stinky’ yes! That’s EXACTLY the word I’m concerned over should you get anywhere near a Taco Bell

  3. Helen says:

    Mother nature’s in charge of the weather changes all you have to do is pay attention when they give the weather forecasts, they usually compare back to other years. Example our weather has not been this hot since 1954 and they had more hot days than this year.o

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      I arrive in Texas on September 15th 2001 Helen.
      That Christmas we awoke here to a white Christmas in Houston for the first
      time in 100 years.
      Global Warming? More like Enviromental Cycling!

  4. Leah H. says:

    One of three doorbells on my house rings at odd times. There is no one there, and we can’t find anything wrong with the wiring etc.
    I have accepted it as my Mother, who died last October.
    My dog, Jersey, will start barking, looking at something we can’t see, just before it rings.
    Yes, they do see spirits.

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