Dragon Laffs #1444


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Good Morning Campers,

This is going to be a weird issue, as all this week I am moving to our new digs. 

God, I hate moving.  Have I mentioned that before?

Anyway, let’s get on with the laughs and maybe things will work out as the week goes by.

Adam tells Eve that he is going to search for food.  When he finally returns after three days, Eve is absolutely livid.  “Where have you been?  What have you been doing?”
Adam rattles off a few lame excuses (like “Got lost;'” “Horse died;”) before falling asleep.  But he awakens with a start to find Eve poking his chest.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Counting your ribs!” she replies

1468

 

English is easily the most international language in the world, and one that is often used to explain things to tourists coming in from other countries.

But while English is well known, it’s not always well writtne, resulting in some truly, although unintentional, comic signs travellers can enjoy. Here are some of my all-time favorite broken English signs:

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet  
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
 
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extrcted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours—we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
 
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today—no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
  • English well talking.
  • Here speeching American.

 

1466

So, now it’s Wednesday and as you can tell, I’m really not that far into today’s issue.  I had the day off since it was our 20th Wedding anniversary.  We had a wonderful day!  We got up early, moved a trailer load of boxes to the new house, Painted a total of one and one-half walls, took Mrs. Dragon to her physical therapy appointment, picked up one of Izzy Dragonette’s Little friends to spend the night, went back to the new house, worked on a few more things, then jumped in the pool for an hour.

Now we’re home and recovering our backs from the hard work we’ve done all day.  All in all a pretty ordinary anniversary…

…except it was our twentieth…

…and we bought a house…

…so, yeah, it was pretty damn good.

How about the wonderful issue Lethal put together for us.  What a great, great way of saying happy anniversary.  I was so moved.  Mrs. Dragon and I sat on our couch while drinking coffee this morning and we both about spewed coffee out our noses several times.  Great fun!!

Well, let’s get back to the funny stuff, shall we?

Here’s what’s got to be my favorite Golf joke for my dad:

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plonks down into a chair.
 
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 
 
“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
 
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
 
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
 
“Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”
 
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
 
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
 
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.
 
“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws!”
 
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.
 
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green, and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
 
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…”You missed the f**king putt, didn’t you?”

 

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More artwork from our students.  This is from one of the summer school kids who was a member of my Magic 101 class.  I think she captured the whole student / teacher relationship quite well.

 

Okay, Thursday.  Had meetings in the morning and meetings in the evening, doctor appointments in the afternoon and still managed to get one load over to the new house.

One day left before the big move on Saturday.  By the time most of you are reading this, the Dragon family will be changing caverns.

Sigh.

I hate moving.

Have I mentioned that?

Geez, let’s get back to the laffs…

 

7

 

 

100

 

7a

And the Confederate flag is not a hate symbol or a racist symbol or any other stupid thing you might think it is.  GET OVER IT!  Grow the hell up, pull up your big girl panties and deal with it.  Find something important to bitch about.

 

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Here you go dad…these are for you:

6j

6k

6l

6m

6n

6o

 

 

My good buddy Lethal Leprechaun sent me these two signs.  One for use here at Dragon Laffs and one for use at work.  I really like them!

7b

7c

 

Well, it’s late Friday night and this is all I’ve gotten done.  I’m so sorry there isn’t more, but to close it out, here is a guest rant from our dear Lethal Leprechaun.  I’m proud and honored to host this essay:

7d

While I can still remain barely civil, I’d like to take this moment to thank Impish for giving up his soap box in his issue for this rant, even though
we both know I’m doing him another in an lately endless list of issue related solids.
 
CNN- They joined the Marines to serve their country, willing to go to dangerous lands out of a sense of duty, idealism and patriotism.
 
Ultimately, they died (needlessly) in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
 
Authorities are still trying to piece together why Mohammad Youssuf Abdulazeez killed four Marines at a Navy operational center in the southeastern Tennessee city, which is thousands of miles from any war zone but unfortunately not bloodshed. Terrorism is being investigated as one possibility, especially considering that a military recruiting center was also shot at, though it was not immediately known if Abdulazeez had any connection to any known terrorist group
 
Military & Vets need to make returning weapons on military bases a 2016  Election issue!
 
Vets make up 17% of the voter base and 70% of those turned out for the 2014 elections. Active Military adds another approximately 2 million to this number. Unfortunately unless they plan far in advance if they are deployed they never get to vote because the military does nothing to assist them in getting their right to vote. In addition to surviving in a hostile environment, keeping from being killed (or worse) and worrying about their family at home planning and obtaining an Absentee Ballot is left up to them too.
 
This however isn’t the true measure of the voting power of Veterans and our Military service People. They have Parents, Families, Relatives and Friends who care about them. Entire communities adopt their deploying members. You want to bet that the people who know those 4 dead Marines won’t vote to get weapons back in the hands of our Military while on base now?
 
George H. W. Bush’s Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney (who as VP would go on to mishandle a weapon to the point of shooting a friend in the face- ironic no?) oversaw the issuing of the Department of Defense (DoD) Directive 5210.56, signed into effect in February 1992 by Donald J. Atwood, deputy secretary of defense
[see here: http://www.dtic.mil/dtic/tr/fulltext/u2/a272176.pdf ]. The controversial directive states that “it is DoD Policy” to “limit and control the carrying of firearms by DoD military and civilian personnel.” This severely restricted who, when, where and under what conditions loaded weapons could be carried by Military Personnel.
 
This directive took force 2 months after Clinton entered office. He could have stopped it with an Executive Order. He didn’t. Liberal hate and fear guns. The last thing they want and the thing that keeps Liberals in positions of power awake nights is the fear that  patriots will rise up against thier socialist agendas. Well, there are none more patriotic than those who will lay down their lives for their country and the principles it was founded on. In short, the Military.
 
 
But what is not widely known are the reasons why Bush signed this order.  A Pentagon spokesman stated that the Pentagon is against U.S. troops being armed on base [http://thehill.com/policy/defense/202677-pentagon-opposes-allowing-concealed-weapons-on-base%5D:
 
          … the Pentagon opposed the move for various reasons. “The first of which is safety,”*
 
This is so upside-down.  The soldiers are safer if they are carrying guns.  They are less safe if they are all disarmed, because they can be massacred by a radical Muslim.
 
            Another reason is really the prohibitive cost of the training, the qualification requirements, recertification.*
 
What?  Aren’t soldiers, by definition, already trained to use firearms?  This is the worst kind of sophistry!
 
        “The final one is local requirements and other policy requirements, for example the Lautenberg requirement,” he said,
           referring to a 1996 amendment by the         late Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.) that prohibits those convicted of
            misdemeanor crimes from carrying a weapon. 
 
This is ignorance of the worst kind.  Federal bases and federal employees are not subject to “local requirements.”  It’s called federalism.  Look it up!
 
As for the Lautenberg Amendment, does that mean soldiers convicted of misdemeanors can’t carry weapons in times of war?  Then what are they in the military for?  Either they are trusted, in which case they should be able to carry all the time, or they aren’t, in which case they shouldn’t be in the military.
 
        “So there are a lot of barriers to this idea, and the Department’s position – and we’ve spelled this out before – is that we do not support it.”
 
Warren also said that “patting-down” the almost 100,000 people entering and exiting Fort Hood and other major military installations would be unrealistic, although he said no Pentagon study has been conducted on how much time and money that would require.  *
 
So soldiers are disarmed, but there is no barrier to stop mass murders from bringing in weapons.
 
In any event, pat-downs aren’t the solutions.  Guns in the hands of our soldiers are.  The Pentagon seems to be saying they can be trusted only to carry weapons on the front lines.  This shows an astonishing mistrust of our armed forces.  This self-hating philosophy has led to the death of many of our fine fighting men.
 
I would say that Obama’s poisoning of the leadership of our military is solely responsible for this, but this has been going on for some time, under Clinton and George W. Bush as well, who seemed to have no problem with it.  Will no one except Donald Trump speak out against this insanity?
 
I AM THE LETHAL LEPRECHAUN AND I SAY:
 
It is a damn shameful crime we’re good enough to protect the US but not trusted enough by our own Government and Military Commanders to be allowed to protect ourselves!
 
THANK YOU YOU LIBERALS IN THE DoD, PENTAGON & YOU SPINELESS POLITICIANS for 4 more avoidable Military deaths on US soil!
 
It’s bloody well past time we stand up for ourselves and force the President & Congress to return the right of the Military to protect itself on its own military bases from terrorist attacks on our own soil! If not we should demand they follow the same rules regarding weapons and be subjected to the same level of threat we are!
 
Now, require the DoD to rescind Department of Defense (DoD) Directive 5210.56 of 25 Fed 1992 and reinstate DoD Directive 5210.66, “Carrying of Firearms by DoD Personnel,” 17 Mar 1986 or find another job (preferably one where terrorists can shoot at you while you are prevented by an idiotic directive from protecting yourself) because if you don’t  we’ll vote you out of office.
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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1444

  1. paul says:

    do you know that in Switzerland, every man must serve time in the military –
    and when he leaves, he is required to take his rifle with him and keep it
    in full working order in his house — this is why Switzerland has not been invaded in
    over 700 years.

  2. No offense to the Dragon for his input on this issue, he is truly busy moving into his new home. Congratulations BTW!! I would have rated this a good issue until I read Lethal’s Parting Shot. Being a Marine myself, I am just as furious over this episode as can be imagined (maybe, if you have a good imagination). But his rant gave me reason enough to rate this an “Excellent”. I’m sick and tired of our military not being able to carry while stationed at home!! If we can be trusted with multi-million dollar equipment and with weapons of devastating effect while deployed, why is it so hard to trust us to be self defensive at home? I personally think it should be required by all military to carry while on duty and while off duty, as well.

    End of my mini rant.

    H. O. Zang
    Sgt USMC
    1976-1983

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Oo-Rah Sgt Zang! Get some towel headed tango before he can get us!

      You’re on target about how this is a slap in the face, and especially for the Corps. We’ve been around as long as the country has PLUS a year. We guard the President. In the Navy we are the ship board security force tasked with guarding the ‘Special Weapons’. Largely anyplace there is trouble by the time the Army Navy and Air Force arrive its the hand of a US Marine that is extended and intones ‘Welcome to the Suck’ to greet them.

      I can remember well the Cold War days of ‘Kill a Commie for Mommy’. Seems we need to update that to ‘Kill an Islami for Mommy”.

      In fact I’ll go as far as to say any Middle Eastern Ethnicity individual attempting to enter a US Military base who cannot show a previously approved security clearance SHOULD be profiled, and both his person and vechile subjected to a full search in AND out of the base.

  3. Jack Butler says:

    Excellent!

  4. Ginny says:

    Great issue Impish and good luck with your move today. Wishing you much happiness in your new home. I so want to rant along sith Lethal regarding the four marines .

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