Dragon Laffs #1443


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Good Morning Campers,

As Lethal mentioned on Wednesday, Mrs. Dragon and I are now officially house owners.  This process has been going on now for several weeks, and I didn’t mention it before now because … well … quite honestly, I didn’t want to jinx it.  I was quite sure that as soon as I mentioned it officially here on Dragon Laffs, everything would fall through.

But, it’s now complete.  All we have to do is move in.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate moving?  Yes.  Many years in the military, moving all over the world, and I swear to you each and every time is worse than the last.

I hate it.

Truly!

One week from today is the big move.  In the mean time, we’ve been moving some stuff over, boxes and stuff, but on the 18th, I’ll have some help, rent a truck and we’re moving down the road.

Really and truly, I hate it.

So, here’s a quick couple of pictures of our new house and then we’ll get on with the ezine.

This is the front of our house from the street:
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Nice, I know, right?

And here is the best part…the back of the house:
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You can’t really see it from this picture, but there are two sets of decks and this pergola:
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And to the left, at the bottom of the picture, that’s a koi pond with live fish:
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Which of course the girls just love to death.

But, that’s enough about that.  Now…

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said..
With his last breath John said, “I do!”

 

7

By the Gods of all Dragons, how many times have we talked about this same problem?!  This one topic alone pisses me off more than so many others.  It’s too damn easy to suck on the government teat and not work.  It should be hard.  But then again, I think stupidity ought to hurt more than it does.

 

Thanks to Lethal for pointing this one out…Monday, 13 July, is National French Fries Day
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According to The Chive (http://thechive.com) “Just go to town on the damn things.  Rumor has it they have no calories on their special day.”
They are one of America’s favorite food.  And all the things you can do with them…well…I’ll bet our favorite Celtic Chef would have a LOT more ideas on that than I would, but if you can think of it, someone’s probably tried it.

 

A hand grenade can go off in 4 to 5 seconds. 

Ever hear the saying, “Throws like a girl”? In the (new) Marine Corps (with women in combat), this is what it looks like… filmed on location at Camp Pendelton, CA.
7e

Always remember, once the pin is removed, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend.

 

Ever since I was a child, I have always had a fear that someone was hiding under my bed at night,
so I finally went to a shrink and told him ‘I have got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there
is somebody under my bed!! I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week
and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’ I asked. ‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor. ‘I will sleep on it,’
I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why did you not come to see me, about
those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for
$10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went & bought me a new pickup truck.’

‘Is that so,’ With a bit of an attitude the shrink said, ‘And how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.’

FORGET THE SHRINKS. HAVE A DRINK, AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND  OPINION.

 

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I just really like this guy.  This is some really good animation and very expressive.  I’d love to have more like this one.

 

My Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, sent me the following heartwarming story…

THE NIGHT WATCHMAN


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”

So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back.”

So they laid-off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn’t think so!

Bottom line is, we’ve spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember!

Ready??

It was very simple… and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh?

AND NOW IT’S 2015 — 38 YEARS LATER — AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS “NECESSARY” DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!

(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, “WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?”)
38 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes — good old Federal bureaucracy.

NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

Hello!! Anybody Home?

Signed….The Night Watchman

 

Thanks Dad.  You know we give you these great stories, we share true experiences with you, and we even tell you out-right what’s going on.  I hope you are not only listening, but passing this on to your friends and family.  It’s time to stand up and be counted.

 

7a

 

How about some more Golf jokes for my Dad and all the rest of you golfers out there…

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6h

6i

This is a good quiz…This will clarify some of your ideas and help you to choose a candidate for President. You may be surprised— use the “other stancechoice often —it is very informative.
It is very well done and worth your time.

http://www.isidewith.com/political-quiz?from=VDZtMDkVR

I lined up with Marco Rubio 93%
Rick Santorum 90% and
Ted Cruz at 87%

So yeah, this is a very interesting Quiz.

7b

 

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”
Heck, I ain’t blonde, but this would be MY choice too!

 

7c

I understand that Al Sharpton and associates are asking for South Carolina to do the same thing.  Perhaps it is them that is behind the CNN story?

 

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.
 
The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
 
Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. ”I went to get a haircut,” was the reply.
 
”But,” said the pastor, ”why didn’t you do that before the service?”
 
”Because,” the gentleman said, ”I didn’t need one then.”

 

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Here’s one of our security specialists and her mount on deep patrol.  They’ve paused here to take a break when this picture was taken. 

 

Passing an office building late one night, Lynn [A blonde] saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”
 
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
 
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
 
“Well,” he snarled at Lynn, “what do you want?”
 
Lynn replied, “The sign said, Press Bell FOR Night Watchman. I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it yourself.”

 

1458

 

A guy goes to a female dentist to have an infected tooth extracted.
 
He settles himself in the dentist chair. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
 
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed.
 
So she started to hook up the nitrogenous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
 
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
 
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
 
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
 
“What are those?” he asked.
 
“Viagra,” she replied.
“I’ll be darned,” said the patient. “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist. “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

 

1459

 

So, my little dragonette told me a joke a minute ago…

Izzy: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dad: I don’t know, why?
Izzy: To get to the idiot’s house.
Dad: <Quizzical Look>
Izzy: Knock, Knock
Dad: Who’s there?
Izzy: The chicken

Dad: Chagrined!

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the  door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he  answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it is 3:00 in  the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we  broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should  help him,       you  should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer. Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.


“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing ,” replied the drunk.

 

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7f

 

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is prattling off about how lazy the British are,  He states he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days.
An old Geordie man mutters… “Ay!  Way back man! … I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop it off in Hamburg, and be back again in Newcastle the same day.”
The German trucker snorted and said… “Oh, yeah….what type rig were you driving?”
The old fella replied, “A LANCASTER BOMBER”

 

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holy crap velociraptor

I Am The Walrus

I am

I Can

I choose octopus

 

 

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Soviet are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.  “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit.  “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees.  “They’re naked, and so beautiful.  Clearly, they are French.”
“No way!  They have no clothes and no shelter,” the Soviet points out.  “They have only an apple to eat, and are being told they live in a paradise.  Obviously, they are Soviets.”
! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template

 

 

“I’m worried that I’m losing my wife’s love,” the husband told the counselor.
“Has she started to neglect you?”
“Not at all,” the dejected man replied.  “She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss.  My shirts are always ironed, she’s a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair.  She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Maybe I’m just being too sensitive,” the husband ventured, “but at night, when she thinks I’m sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, ‘Die!  You son of a bitch, die!'”

 

1463

 

 

Impish Dragon announced to the Elections Office receptionist, “I want to register as a candidate for the upcoming election.”
 
She replied, “Certainly, sir. Just fill out this form.”
 
A few minutes later, he was back.
 
“Do I really need to answer this question: ‘Are you circumcised?’ Is that really necessary?”
 
She replied, “Of course. If you’re circumcised, you’re not eligible to run.”
 
“What possible difference would that make?”
 
“Oh, you know: all politicians are complete pricks!” she answered.

 

1465

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9 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1443

  1. Prescott Steve says:

    Congratulations on your new home, nothing like it ….. when are we invited over to break in the backyard and pool?

  2. JOHN Z says:

    May you have an ease of moving, & good luck in your new home.

    • impishdragon says:

      Thank you very much to everyone’s well wishes on our move.
      We’ve been moving boxes over with a trailer a little at a time. The big furniture move comes Saturday, a week from today, so anyone who’s free who’d like to help … LOL!
      But seriously, this is going to be an interesting week for us.
      Thanks again for all your well wishes.

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    My Political Poll results:
    Marco Rubio 90%
    Rick Santorum 89%
    Ted Cruiz 86%

  4. Leah Diane says:

    So Happy For You!
    Hope this is the last time you will ever have to move. Now you can settle down to accumulating too much junk.
    Thank you for the voting link. It really helped me. I also, came how highest with Rick, however, wouldn’t vote for him because he is opposite, or didn’t have and answer to those issues most important to me.
    What I learned the most from it is, I need to prioritize, and vote for the person who most fits my three most important issues. There isn’t going to be a good match for All my issues.

  5. Maggie says:

    Congrats on the new abode,, know you will enjoy it. and of course another marvelous issue

  6. Henry says:

    GREAT house,now you need to make it a home.

  7. Ginny says:

    Congratulations to you and Mrs. Dragon and best of luck with your new home. The backyard is great! I see lots of pool parties going on. I’m sure the little dragonette will enjoy and have all her friends over and you acting as Life Guard.
    This issue was another winner and thanks for giving up your time to do it. Moving is the pitts….but keep thinking….it’s mine all mine…and it eases the pain some.
    Good Luck!!!!!!

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