When last you left me, I was turning and burning, or as Lethal insists, flapping and flopping about the skies following a little blinking strobe light attached to a drone much to the dismay of several Ninja cats whom had decided to board Dragon Airlines at the last possible moment. We seemed to be headed to the far side of the property and taking as many precautions as possible: terrain following, low level flying, sudden sharp course changes and direction reversals, when suddenly the drone dipped into a small valley which I was pretty sure was just a box canyon. I followed anyway figuring it might be our destination as we  never made use of the area because of the valley walls propensity for avalanches in winter and serious rock slides in summer.

Suddenly the rock walls on both side of the valley started exploding like giant popcorn kernels from hell! I was under fire! SC popped her head out of her pouch between my wing roots long enough to whack me on the back of the head causing me to glance over my shoulder and spot her looking backwards concernedly. Seems I had acquired some unfriendlies that wanted to play! A-10s firing 30 mm cannon shells at a rate of up to 4200 round a minute with an effective (pronounce that dead dragon) range of over a mile. Since the rounds were moving at over 3500 feet per second I’d have maybe about a second and a quarter to avoid any burst I saw. Problem was I couldn’t keep flying with my head over my shoulder in such tight terrain and by the time I heard the round that got me it would likely be the last thing I heard, having already been hit by the burst.

They were trying to drive me deeper into the box canyon which was a large keyhole shaped one. I surmised their intent was to involve me in a game of dragon in the middle once we got there and with serious malice aforethought on their part.  In other words, I was in the deep end of that creek sans paddle and rapidly approaching the rapids.

I was confused by this tactic however, in such a tight area, while they were practically assured hits on me, those A-10s would surely wind up either hitting each other as collateral damage or wind up flying into each other or me. Those sort of things are usually high on a pilots list of things to avoid at all costs and I’m sure they must realize if they ejected they’d hit the ground flame broiled- either by me or by the wreckage of their own aircraft.

With my time running out I snout shoveled SC, who had been my foreword looking eyes the last 10 seconds, back into her pouch and slid my jaw across the Velcro. Last thing I needed was to face Lethal or the rest of the Ninja Cat Clan and tell them I had lost their beloved Clan Matriarch. Not that losing Chai or Bruce would be much better, though the way my newly Bruce the Brutal pierced ear throbbed; I was seriously considering dropping Bruce into the cockpit of one of those Warthogs as a distraction.

No I liked my chances with these A-10s way better. See I had realized, driving me into the canyon and coming into it with me was tantamount to a death wish. That meant only one possibility. Those weren’t live pilots, they were likely drone aircraft or flown by robots or remotely controlled. This would give me the edge I needed to get out of this with (most of anyway) my skin intact as well as the extremely fluffy fur of my 3 passengers.

I momentarily caught a break in having to dodge their constant bursts at me by speeding up and pulling ahead of them beyond their cannons effective range. I entered the keyhole of the canyon banked left and flew as fast and close to the canyon walls as I could, buffeting them with my wings as much as I safely could, stirring up a giant dust cloud of rock particles and tree parts. As I completed the 360 grand tour of the canyon, I reversed my bank and headed back down the narrow portion flying right over the A-10s now burning flat out to catch me. As they soon found out I had a sizable wake of rocks and stones literally right on my tail which they flew into. Jet engines plus rocks generally tend to equal somebody pulling the ejection curtain over their face. Speaking of my tail, I used it to swat the canopy of one of the middle 2 A-10s in the formation while ripping the other middle aircraft’s canopy off with my feet and shoving it down an engine for him so he’d know where to find it.

There seems to be a lot of loud noises and commotion going on behind me but I really couldn’t spare a look because I was worried my playmates might have had friends in the event I got away. That was, I couldn’t spare a look until I felt about 20 searing points of pain on my chest and heard Bruce literally caterwaul ‘NOOO! REH! MENOW! Sparing a fast glace over my shoulder I saw a burning A-10 with cannon blazing and canopy missing rapidly gaining on us. If I didn’t figure out something fast and by fast I meant RIGHT NOW, I was going to get a flying firing flaming A-10 enema in about 2 seconds. I didn’t think it was an experience I should be having or would be surviving.

So I did what I always do in these situations, review all the really cool moves I’ve seen in flying movies in my head. Then it hit me! Time to pull a Maverick! I called under me “Hang on tight Bruce; I’m going to let him get closer, then hit the brakes and he’ll fly right by us!” Bruce’s eyes looked like they encompassed his entre face (ok so that might have been the vintage leather flying cap and goggles he’d apparently found in his pocket and donned). If at all possible in the brief second I saw him after saying that I think he got even fluffier before responding “Reh??? MEH?? NOOOO!!!’ and disappearing into his pocket and very deftly pulling the Velcro flap closed over his head with his paw.

I glided a couple heart beat (ok, so like about 3 dozen because my pulse was really ripping away like a chain saw), then I pulled up sharply and unfurled my wings to act as speed breaks. This caused me to stop on a dime with a nickel’s change, the A-10 to shoot by under me and my tail (as planned) to swing down rapidly to counterbalance my nose high position meaning it caught the A-10 right under the tail section causing him to cartwheel ass over nose right into his remain 2 pals, who were coming down the canyon side by side and had opened fire on me just as I pulled up, hitting the chase A-10 full in the cockpit as it emerged from under me. I got a quick look at the cockpit and I had been right, they appeared to be remotely piloted drones with the pilots having only enough humanoid form to fly the aircraft.

I looked around a moment wondering what became of the Quad rotor I had been following before finding it sitting on a small ledge at the mouth of the canyon. When it saw me it immediately took to the air flew once around me and under me narrowly avoiding an angry and large paw swipe from a reappearing Bruce before rocking in front of my face a second in a follow me gesture. As we once again started out I called out to my passengers-

“Ninja Kitties! Sing out like its Karaoke night in the alley so I know you’re all ok”

I felt stirrings in 3 pouches, received 3 slaps..sans claws which I was going to mark down on my calendar to remember and three distinct “Maows” though none of the three were what I would call overly enthusiastic.

“Ok guys I’m going the need some help here I have to keep my attention focused on that damned quad rotor drone. It’s hard to see and moves like a flying cat. That means you guys have to be my radar. SC you got forward, that’s 180 from wing root to wing root, Chai- same deal but tail watch. Bruce- I wouldn’t put it past our friends down there having something nasty on the ground, so keep watch in all directions as best you can. If you see something I need to know from what side the threat is coming so in addition to caterwauling (I can’t believe I’m going to say this) a sharp swat on the threat side would be appreciated and one swat for every threat if there are more than one. I doubt that quad rotor has a lot of battery left so we shouldn’t be aloft much longer. I’d really like to land without any further damage or excitement how about you guys?”

This time I receive 3 decidedly more enthusiastic ‘MEOWs!’ in response.

I was right; our little game of follow the drone didn’t last much longer. It was a good thing too because I got whacked for false alarms from my feline spotter about 8 times in the 5 minutes our post excitement flight lasted. Following nap of the earth for a short distance, we came up on another small canyon cut into the ground.  The drone came to a stop, with me and three Ninja Kitties hovering beside it.  The little copter gave me a wiggle waggle telling me to stay put and did a fast shoot straight up.  I could barely make out the fact that it was doing a fast 360 degree check in all directions before it came rocketing back down beside me and disappeared into a cliff face crevasse and I set down on the ledge just below it I understood what all the frantic whacking was about. Dragon-Vest-Pocket-Airlines apparently doesn’t have any cat suitable facilities. My 3 passengers didn’t even wait for their plane to come to a complete stop or for the pilot’s final thank you for flying Dragon Airlines message before disembarking at high speed looking for the nearest bit of privacy.

Judging from the onslaught of eye watering ‘fragrances of nature’ my olfactory nerves were forced to endure until the breeze picked up, my passengers had been well and truly scared for their (9?) lives. Moments after giving thought to this I found a suitable boulder and joined them in a little bladder relief. The severity of the ‘pucker factor’ of the situation, combined with the additional pucker factor of the near miss with the flaming A-10 suppository, meant it was going to be a good while before I unclenched enough to water anyone’s eyes myself.

When I returned to the landing area, I was assaulted by several apparently approving and grateful Ninja cats who purred and rubbed their approval all over me in an epic demonstration of their shedding capability. By the time I got them back aboard and took off to circle back up to the ledge where the drone had gone we left a small ‘fur devil’ in our wake.

I examined the crevice where the drone disappeared, but it appeared to be just a crack in the rock, no way was I going to fit into it. Then I got an inspiration.

“Yo! Short and Surly with the Sharps! Get up here.”

Bruce’s head popped out of his pocket. “Maow?”

“Yeah you. Let’s go you’re up! It’s a short crack and you drew the short straw get it shorty?”

Bruce furled his brow and I saw his claws start to unsheathe. “Merrrrow?!”

“Ok! OK! I’ll rephrase already! Sheeesh! Its tight quarters from all appearances and you’re the smallest so how about having a look around while we look out here, please? Better?”

After a moments glare and a glance to my left shoulder where Chai was now looking down at Bruce whiskers twitching and tail furiously lashing but saying nothing I received what I took to be an affirmative “Meh!”.

Bruce scampered up my vest, up my shoulder and neck, and then made his way cautiously down my nose pausing to stare me in the eyes a moment.

“Don’t worry, it might feel like it’s your neck being put out there but it’s also my nose and I like it where and as it is. Word of advice though, you feel me inhale and then the wind is suddenly in your face, the safest place for you is between my ears. Comprendo mi pequeño amigo? It’s going to get muy caliente!”

“REH! MAOW!” Bruce turns about and inches forward on his belly to the end of my nose, his tail thrashing like a windshield wiper across my vision. He taps my nose and then slides his paw forward several times indicating he wants me to move him closer. I don’t understand why humans insist cats don’t communicate, all you have to do is pay attention to them and they will make themselves (occasionally painfully) clear. I pushed into within about a foot of the crevasse. Just about the time I realized I didn’t smell rock as strongly as I should have, for being that close to it, Bruce bunched himself and leapt from my nose intent on perching on the lip of the crevasse. I say intent on, because what he actually did was pass completely through the rock face and disappear, trailing a loud and long “Nooooooo!! behind him

Before I could even blink or think, I had the weight of the other two ninja cats on my nose, frantically hollering for me to put them up to the crevasse as well.

I took a chance and believed what I saw and what I smelled, or more correctly what I didn’t smell, and with cats perched on my nose took, 2 steps forward right at the rock wall. There was a curious tingling sensation, like a static electricity waterfall and then…LED foot lights?

In one of the foot lights was the tiny form of Bruce, who was currently looking and acting like he might be a few kibbles short of a full bowl. I got slapped in the nose with a pair of insistent tails and immediately lowered my, growing more demanding passengers, to the floor to access their companion. SC immediately took to mothering Bruce sniffing and cleaning him. Chai, meantime, took up a stance over them, gave me a pointed look and indicated ahead of them in the tunnel with a jut of her jaw and a “merrNOW!”.

“NO Chai, I have a better idea and you 3 are tagging along on MY mission so you had better get used to doing things MY way.” I scooted carefully up close to them corralled them with my tail then gently unfurled enough wing to surround them in a dragon teepee of protection. I felt someone climbing my vest and was preparing to have a Dragon to Cat argument as ludicrous as that sounds when I felt slaps on one of the vest pockets.

“What? There something in there you need? Ok!  OK! I’m opening it. Hey light sticks! Must have come prepacked with the vest!” I break one shake it and hand it to Chai who grabs it and lets herself back down my vest placing it near where they work on Bruce who is at least now sitting more or less upright and apparently happily enduring cleaning and massaging from both female cats.

Both SC & Chai’s heads suddenly shoot up, facing front and peering over my tail, their ears act as mini radar dishes scanning for something, sensitive whiskers twitching. Chai looks at me and points down the tunnel before leaping over my tail and disappearing into the shadows. I use my dragon infravision to track her progress as she expertly, swiftly and silently evades all the pools of light from the footlights, only to stop about a hundred feet down the tunnel . She suddenly sit up very straight, her ears again working furiously.

Do cats have ball bearings installed or something, to get their ears to rotate like that? My pondering this is suddenly interrupted by the sight of a light, moving speedily at the far end of the tunnel in our direction, and Chai’s abrupt 180 and stealthily high speed retreat, back to behind my tail.

I again, wing encircle the cats and I caution them “Noses inside until I open my Wings unless you want the Dragon equivalent of a Brazilian Wax for your noses and whiskers.” Six slightly (in my vision) glowing eyes blink their apparent understanding. I begin a slow measure inhale; I don’t want a flash back just a nice 50 foot narrow lance of metal burning fire, probably with a nostril’s worth of snot-napalm afterwards, just for good measure.

Just as I’m about to let fly, several overhead lights blink on right about where Chai had stopped. My target passes into the light beams and I see…a Radio Flyer Little Red Wagon, with Wooden Stake sides, sporting a head lamp? Chai shakes me out of my shock by asking “Merrrffff menow?”

“I don’t think I need to Chai, get a load of this.”

As it approaches, it always remains lit by 3 lights: one where it was, one where it is, and one where it will be. The moving lights along with the lack of anyone pulling it, is, admittedly, a little eerie and I guess more than enough provocation for the return of the uber fluff to my 3 companions which I notice when I look back down. The wagon executes a neat little 3-point turn and backs up to within a foot or two of my tail and stops. The rear wooden stake section tilts out and drops down silently, like a lift gate on a truck, and I see a tablet attached to the wagons handle suddenly flare to life. Apparently this is some evolution of the iLethals which are running all over DL/LL HQ. The same face and the same voice says “Assist the injured cat onto the lift and into the wagon then follow me please.”

With a little help from SC & Chai, Bruce makes it onto the lift gate and expresses his dismay at leaving the group in a surprisingly strong and loud voice. SC leaps over Bruce on his travel up to the wagon in the lift gate to check out the inside. Chai chooses to demonstrate she’s a threat to the wagon by using her claws to climb the wooden stake side and pull herself in. When I lean over I see the inside has been prepared with a very large kitty bed and some (sniffing) salmon jerky. Bruce walks/limps/slides down the now nearly erect lift gate and immediately plunks himself down between the girls to investigate a salmon jerky tidbit, before glancing at me with some apparently worry.

“It’s ok Bruce. I’m pretty sure I know who the man behind the curtain is. We’re not off to see the Wizard, but rather the Leprechaun … er, Mr. Green, I mean, and when we get there, he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do!”