Leprechaun Laughs # 298 for Wednesday May 6th 2015


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Since Agent 40-DD Blue has a legitimate need for a few bolt holes and safe houses now that he’s a fully operational agent I’ve capitalized on the situation and ‘donated’ a few of my completely ready ones that no longer suit me. This means I’ll get a write off and now have a reason to add a few new ones like this little beauty.

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As you can plainly see, definitely not Dragon Lair material, but certainly suitable for the discerning Leprechaun who’s on the lam and needs to stay on the down low for a bit.

I’m afraid helping Impish be witty and entertaining with his issue 2 weeks in a row,  plus my issues, plus the Employment Application challenge has left my muse quite mute for the moment (actually I think she’s curled up in a fetal ball in a dark corner of my mind someplace whimpering). So if you’ll excuse me I’m off to order stores for my new hideout, consult my interior decorator and my nefarious tricks traps & gotchas designer.

Let's Roll 24

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Coffee sleep when dead

 I TOLD Skitzo not to like up those coffee grounds I spilled that it wasn’t cat nip!

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THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Montreal and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?”  she asked.
The man replied,  “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else” , said the madam.
He replied,  “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie , and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,  “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.  Where are you from?”
The man replied,  ” New Brunswick .”
“Really,”  she said.  “I have family in New Brunswick .”
“I know.”  the man said.  “Your sister died, and I am her attorney.  She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1.  Death
2.  Taxes; and
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!

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Why do I hear the danger music from ‘Jaws’ every time I look at this?

A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD BEFORE….

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!

‘The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead ‘gators, all lying belly up.The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the ‘gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration …..

“Dammmm!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT TOO!

Schools Gone Bad

Zero Tolerance for Student Action: Brianna Cooper, 11, was so upset at witnessing a teacher berate another student at Samuel Gaines Academy in Ft. Pierce, Fla., she set her phone to record the tirade. “Don’t let size fool you. I will drop you,” the unnamed science teacher told the other student. “You don’t know me, that’s all I’m saying. So, don’t give me no look.” Brianna considered it bullying, and says she had heard the teacher do it before. She made the recording because “Do you think that they would actually believe a student over a teacher?” When she turned the recording over to school officials, principal Traci Wilke took strong, decisive action: she accused Brianna of making an “illegal” recording. “I thought I did the right thing,” the girl said, “but I guess I just got suspended.” Indeed so: for five days. But police say that such a recording is not illegal when there’s no expectation of privacy, and Brianna’s mother said the message school officials are sending is, “if you think something is wrong, don’t try and do anything about it.” The day after the story hit the media, the school announced it “took swift, appropriate action” by firing the teacher for her “unprofessional behavior.” (RC/WPTV West Palm Beach) …The real message school officials are sending: if you expect them to do the right thing, you have to take your story to the media. Why own up when you can cover up and continue to bully a child that not only clearly recognizes right and wrong conduct but wants to do the right thing about bullying?

 

Dad Delivers Perfect Response to Kindergarten Dress-Shaming His Little Girl: Read His Viral Letter

imageMove over, Kindergarten Cop! A Houston dad, Jeff Rouner, called out his 5-year-old daughter’s school district after her kindergarten class shamed the little girl for wearing a spaghetti-strap dress.

Rouner vented his frustration at the Cypress-Fairbanks Independent School District in a blog post written for the Houston Press, which has gone viral after it was published on April 22. The dad recalled how his daughter had her heart set on wearing a “rainbow sun dress” as the spring weather kicked in.

Last Monday morning was a little colder than I expected, so I made sure that there was a warm change of clothes in my daughter’s backpack in case she wanted to change. She’d had her heart set on wearing her rainbow sun dress since the weather warmed up so I finally acquiesced and let her. Still it wasn’t too surprising to me to see her walk out of school that afternoon with her T-shirt on over the dress and her jeans on under it.

“Did you get cold, sweetheart?” I asked her.

“No,” she said a little crestfallen. “I had to change because spaghetti straps are against the rules.”

I’m not surprised to see the dress code shaming come into my house. I have after all been sadly waiting for it since the ultrasound tech said, “It’s a girl.” I didn’t think, though that it would make an appearance when she was five years old.

Five. You get me? She’s five. Cut her hair and put her next to a boy with no shirt on and she is fundamentally identical. I guess you could argue that a boy would not be allowed to wear a shirt with spaghetti straps either, but the day they sell anything like that in the boys section of a Target I will happily withdraw my objections.

Have you ever stopped to think how weird a school dress code really is? I went and checked out the one for my daughter’s school district and it’s amazing in how hard it tries not to say what it actually means. There are literally no male-specific guidelines anywhere on that list. I mean prohibitions against exposing the chest or torso could hypothetically apply to boys except that they don’t. Not really. They don’t sell boys clothes that do that. There’s nothing that is marketed to boys that is in anyway comparable to a skirt or a sun dress. Essentially, a school dress code exists to prevent girls from displaying too much of their bodies because reasons.

I didn’t pick up my daughter’s dress at My First Stripperwear. It’s not repurposed fetish gear from a store for very short people. It’s a dress from a mall chain store in her size. It covers everything but her shoulders and a small section of her upper chest and back. She’s worn it to church, and in the growing heat she was looking forward to wearing it a lot because it’s light and comfortable.

You know what really grills my cheese about it? It’s not even the shirt they made her put on over her top, it’s the pants they made her wear underneath. It’s a full-length dress that she has to hold up to keep from getting wet in uncut grass. She even had a small set of shorts underneath because it was gym day. But because the top part of her dress apparently exposed the immoral sinfulness of her bare shoulders she also had to pull on jeans even though her legs remained completely covered as part of her punishment.

Read the rest of this travesty here

 

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Shoot the Messenger: “Modern aircraft are increasingly connected to the Internet,” notes a U.S. Government Accountability Office report. “This interconnectedness can potentially provide unauthorized remote access to aircraft avionics systems.” Shortly after the report was released, Chris Roberts needed to fly. Roberts founded the computer security company One World Labs in Denver, Colo., which specializes in finding security problems before they’re exploited by bad guys. In recent news interviews, Roberts explained, “We can theorize on how to turn the engines off at 35,000 feet and not have any of those damn flashing lights go off in the cockpit.” While sitting on a United Airlines flight, Roberts posted a musing on Twitter that it might be possible to hack an aircraft’s control systems to, say, deploy passenger oxygen masks. When his plane landed, he was interrogated by the FBI for four hours, and his computer and storage devices were seized. Days later, when it came time to go to a computer security conference, where he was scheduled to speak about the vulnerabilities of transportation systems, Roberts was denied boarding by United “because he had made public statements about having manipulated airfare equipment and aircraft systems,” said United spokesman Rahsaan Johnson, even though Johnson also said the airline is “confident our flight control systems could not be accessed through techniques he described.” An attorney for the Electronic Frontier Foundation, which has stepped in to defend Roberts, notes that it would be better if “United learns that computer security researchers are a vital ally, not a threat.” (RC/USA Today, AP) …And in the current world environment, the sooner the better.

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Soap, Dope — What’s the Difference? Frenchman Jacques Benoit Fiocconi traveled to Catalonia, Spain, to pick up a load of 2,850 bars of soap from a factory there. Shortly after the pickup, he was pulled over. Police demanded to know what the cargo was. Soap, Fiocconi replied. But a “narcotest” showed it was cocaine, and Fiocconi was arrested. A lab test later confirmed it really was soap, not cocaine, but it took seven more weeks for the court to “accept the findings” and order Fiocconi’s release. Fiocconi demanded compensation for the wrongful arrest and the resulting 70 days of incarceration, saying he had 83,000 euros (US$89,600) worth of financial losses and “moral damages.” Spain’s Ministry of Justice instead awarded him 8,400 euros — 120 euros (US$129) per day, saying that was the “standard rate” it offers for wrongful imprisonment. (RC/London Telegraph) …That sounds more like the rate for a mid-range hotel.

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Not the First Teen Boy to Be Betrayed by His Snake: Austin Lane Hatfield, 18, captured a fully grown cottonmouth in his girlfriend’s back yard in Hillsborough County, Fla. Also known as a water moccasin, the pit viper is a poisonous snake whose bite can be deadly. Hatfield kept it as a pet, keeping it in a pillowcase on his bed, and he liked to kiss it — on the mouth. “Alright he’s kissed it 12 times,” said his buddy Jason Belcher. But then, “He took it out, put it on his chest and it was acting funny,” Belcher says. “He ran out of the room saying, ‘Hospital, hospital, now, now’.” The snake had bit him — on the mouth. Hatfield was admitted to the hospital in critical condition, but he is expected to recover. David Lueck, who owns a Florida trapping business, says if you see a cottonmouth, “Just turn around and walk away from it and you’ll be fine.” But there’s even a more important rule, he says. “First and foremost, don’t kiss them.” (RC/Tampa Tribune, Bay News 9, WTVT Tampa) …That’s what his girlfriend’s father said about his daughters, but he didn’t listen to that advice either. Ooo! I smell a Darwin  Award nomination for this demonstration of stupidity!

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A Riddle

Everyone should be able to figure this one out. What is it?

This item is in the range of 6-8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

It is usually found hung, dangling ready but loosely for instant action. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white sticky substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening, and some more from its long, glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready yet for another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day — but, sadly, the reality is, it’s often much less.

What is it?

A toothbrush.

What were you thinking, pervert!?

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Went to a Crawfish Boil Last Weekend. Nothing fancy, just good food and cold beer at a decent price for a good cause. That’s one meal you see there;  2# of Crawfish, 1# Shrimp, 3 Ears of corn, 6 new potatoes and 3 sausage links of about 4 oz. each (hiding under the crawfish in this shot) plus a pair of 12oz beers with frost on the cans was $10. Good thing Molly and I decided to just split one (She doesn’t do ‘mudbugs’)!

Roasted Sweet Potatoes and Pineapple

Good with baked ham, short ribs, pork loin or roast chicken.

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Servings: 4

Ingredients

  • 2 sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1-inch pieces
  • 1 medium pineapple, peeled, cored, and cut into 1-inch pieces
  • 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
  • 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
  • Coarse salt

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. On a rimmed baking sheet, toss together sweet potatoes, pineapple, oil, and cayenne pepper. Season with salt. Roast until sweet potatoes and pineapple are tender and golden, 30 to 35 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes

 I’ve substituted bacon grease for the oil 50/50 to get that smoky flavor in this which is reminiscent of the grill

Black Bean Hummus

Relax! First of all its not really Hummus, it’s a bean spread/dip.  I don’t know why they are trying to pass it off as Hummus. There’s no Tahini or other exotic ingredients and everything is probably something you already keep in the pantry. If not its likely the black beans &/or the Cumin. Both are easy to come by and fairly cheep. Since this will keep well on a picnic table unrefrigerated you might want to consider keeping them on hand for the summer. Last IDK who thought lettuce wedges were a good idea with this as a dipper but pita/bagel chips, corn chips or tortilla chips would be my choice unless you already were planning on making bruschetta for something else.

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Ingredients

1 cup cooked black beans
1 garlic clove, minced
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/2 head iceberg lettuce, cut into wedges

Directions

Blend all the ingredients, except the lettuce, in a food processor until almost smooth. Let sit for 15 minutes before serving with iceberg lettuce wedges.

The only thing I might be tempted to do with the iceberg lettuce is to line the serving dish with it as much for presentation as ease of cleanup later.

I like to add a little real bacon bits out of the pouch to mine as well as a little cilantro &/or green onion if I have it. If I don’t have lemon I’ll use lime for a slightly different  more TexMex flavor.

Lastly to really kick this up and make it unusual and different once completed stir in a small tub of fresh Pico de Gallo which you can usually get in the deli section. This will give it a lot of color texture and zip. If using the Pico omit the cilantro & green onion I suggested.

Things to Make with Bacon

A few quick simple things to make with bacon for your summer time enjoyment

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Bacon Butter
Cook 2 slices of bacon in a skillet, drain on paper toweling and crumble. Blend 1 stick softened butter with the drippings and 2 tablespoons of maple syrup. Stir in the crumbled bacon.

Goes great on pancakes biscuits French toast and plain oatmeal.

Omit the maple syrup and blend in a couple tablespoons of chopped chives instead to make a great accompaniment to baked potatoes sure to please.

 

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BLT Pasta

Cook 8 slices bacon; drain and chop. Cook 1 chopped medium red onion, 3 sliced garlic cloves, a pinch of red pepper flakes and 1 teaspoon of salt in 3 tablespoons of the drippings until onion is soft and translucent. Add 5 cups of halved grape tomatoes cook 12 minutes. Add 1/3 cup cream, cook 2 minutes. Toss with 12 ounces of cooked penne pasta, 4 cups arugula or baby spinach, the bacon, some torn fresh basil and a splash of pasta water (just enough to wilt the arugula or spinach) Top with parmesan and cracked black pepper.

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Bacon Nuts

Beat 1 egg white until frothy toss with 2 cups mixed nuts, 2 teaspoons Cajun seasoning, 2 tablespoons brown sugar and 4 slices crumbed bacon. Bake @ 325 F 10 minutes.

 

 

 

Pizza From Tortillas

WAITA SECOND! What is going on here?!! What kind of a fusion are we rocking in these here parts? Cook it Crabby Celt style and make the cutest, bite-sized pizzas around! Canned pizza sauce and flour tortillas come together in a surprisingly simple way to make little, tiny deep dish pizza bites!

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Prep Time 10 min – Total Time 25 min – Servings 12

Ingredients
3  flour tortillas
1 can (15 ounce) pizza sauce
1 1/2 cups mozzarella cheese, shredded
3/4 cup mini pepperoni

Directions

Preheat oven to 400°F. Open the can of pizza sauce, empty the sauce from the can, and rinse the can out. Using the cut edge of the pizza sauce can, cut four rounds from each tortilla. Press each round into a lightly-greased muffin tin. Place a tablespoon of Muir Glen™ pizza sauce into the center of each tortilla round. Sprinkle cheese on top of the sauce on each tortilla round. Top each pizza with mini pepperoni rounds. Bake in preheated oven for 10-12 minutes, or until cheese is bubbly. Remove and cool before using a fork to transfer mini pizzas from muffin tin to a serving plate. Serve and enjoy!

Ok a few notes/ideas hard won from experience:

1.) Anything you put on these needs to be precooked and have as much grease as possible removed from it. If its going to give off a lot of grease or liquid when it cooks its not going to be your friend here. The mini peperoni was used to limit the grease factor. I suggest using the turkey kind if you can find it, even if it means cutting up a few larger pieces of it.

2.)These work best with ‘home-style’ tortillas if you can find them where you live. Homes style are a bit thinker and softer than the regular commercial ones. This translates to a more familiar pizza crust mouth feel. If you can’t find home-style, the original recipe called for just regular old run of the mill commercial tortillas. Use these also if you’re a fan of really crisp thin crust pizza.

3.) I have better results spraying the tortilla cut outs with cooking spray as opposed to the muffin pan. Its cleaner and neater. Also I do both side using the same logic as when making English muffin or bagel pizzas that a little oil keeps things from a soggy result. This allows me to make multiple pans at one time and then bake them off 2 at a time.

4.) That thing about ‘Serves 12’ ? Yeah, furgeddaboutit. Maybe 12 cocktail party appetizers, but not even for movie munches will this serve 12. Figure it will serve 3-4 for movie munches/late night snack. Dinner? Go with 4 to 6 per adult and 3 to 4 per kid easy.

5.) Don’t be afraid to experiment with different sauces and toppings. I dropped our only jar of pasta sauce one night and was forced to adapt. I used Al Fredo sauce, canned shredded chicken, canned mushrooms, real bacon bits from the pouch and the remnants of a package of shredded white cheeses and they came out killer. These are now Molly’s favorite and I have to make a pan of them for her special if I want red sauce ones.

6.) Apply this concept to corn tortillas, use picante in place of pizza sauce, shredded taco cheese taco meat &/or some beans (whole black/pinto or refried which are best mixed with the taco meat) and a little diced jalapeno, Pico de Gallo, or Rotel and you have a first class individual nacho to serve at parties that is far less messy and way easier to eat.

Banana Muffins with Mascarpone Cream Frosting

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Ingredients

Muffins:

3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
3 large eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
4 ripe bananas, peeled and coarsely mashed

Frosting:

3 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1/3 cup mascarpone cheese, room temperature
3 tablespoons honey
1/2 cup chopped walnuts, toasted

Directions

Line 18 muffin cups with paper liners. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F.
Whisk the flour, baking soda, salt, baking powder, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a medium bowl to blend. Beat the sugar, oil, eggs, and vanilla in a large bowl to blend. Stir in the banana. Add the dry ingredients and stir just until blended.

Divide the batter among the prepared muffin cups. Bake the muffins on the middle rack until the tops are golden brown and a tester inserted into the center comes out with no crumbs attached, about 25 minutes. Transfer the muffins to a rack and cool slightly. The muffins may be eaten warm or cooled completely and frosted.

To frost the cupcakes: Using an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and butter in a large bowl until light and fluffy. Beat in the mascarpone cheese and then beat in the honey. Spread the frosting over the muffins. Sprinkle with the walnuts.

Texas Food Pyramid

The Difference Between Honest & Ethical Lawyers

The Honest Lawyer

A woman with her own business was thriving based on her sterling reputation. When she decided she needed a lawyer to help her incorporate, she was worried that their typical reputation might stain hers, so she was carefully interviewing the available business lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest! Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me $105,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case!”

“Impressive,” she said. “I think you just may have the job.”

But then she saw a suspicious twinkle in his eye.

“Just a minute,” she said. “What was your first case?”

“Well,” he said, “my dad sued me for the money.”

(Of course, that’s what gave him the title, “The Honest Lawyer”!)

The Ethical Lawyer

A lawyer helped an elderly client make a minor amendment to her will.

It only took a few minutes, and at the end session she asked how much she owed.

“$100,” replied the lawyer.

She slipped her hand into her purse, and then handed him a crisp new $100 bill, and shuffled from the room.

Putting away his papers, he then placed the money into his desk and realized she had given him two $100 bills — they were stuck together.

Facing an ethical quandary, he decided to take the high road — and tell his partner.

That is how he became known as the Ethical Lawyer.

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OH HELLS NO IMPISH! NO WAY! NOT HAPPENING SO DON’T EVEN ASK!

A Letter to the IRS

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2015 Federal Tax Return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It’s only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.

This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.

Taxes should be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day of you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal?

Learn to deal with it.

You’ll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I’m sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don’t. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R’s. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it.

Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of nests in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

Bob

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The Shoe Bomber was a Muslim
The Beltway Snipers were Muslims
The Fort Hood Shooter was a Muslim
The underwear Bomber was a Muslim
The U-S.S. Cole Bombers were Muslims
The Madrid Train Bombers were Muslims
The Bali Nightclub Bombers were Muslims
The London Subway Bombers were Muslims
The Moscow Theater Attackers were Muslims
The Boston Marathon Bombers were Muslims
The Pan-Am flight #93 Bombers were Muslims
The Air France Entebbe Hijackers were Muslims
The Iranian Embassy Takeover, was by Muslims
The Beirut U.S. Embassy bombers were Muslims
The Libyan U.S. Embassy Attack was by Muslims
The Buenos Aires Suicide Bombers were Muslims
The Israeli Olympic Team Attackers were Muslims
The Kenyan U.S, Embassy Bombers were Muslims
The Saudi, Khobar Towers Bombers were Muslims
The Beirut Marine Barracks bombers were Muslims
The Besian Russian School Attackers were Muslims
The first World Trade Center Bombers were Muslims
The Bombay & Mumbai India Attackers were Muslims
The Achille Lauro Cruise Ship Hijackers were Muslims
The September 11th 2001 Airline Hijackers were Muslims

Think of it:

Buddhists living with Hindus = No Problem
Hindus living with Christians = No Problem
Hindus living with Jews = No Problem
Christians living with Shintos = No Problem
Shintos living with Confucians = No Problem
Confucians living with Baha’is = No Problem
Baha’is living with Jews = No Problem
Jews living with Atheists = No Problem
Atheists living with Buddhists = No Problem
Buddhists living with Sikhs = No Problem
Sikhs living with Hindus = No Problem
Hindus living with Baha’is = No Problem
Baha’is living with Christians = No Problem
Christians living with Jews = No Problem
Jews living with Buddhists = No Problem
Buddhists living with Shintos = No Problem
Shintos living with Atheists = No Problem
Atheists living with Confucians = No Problem
Confusians living with Hindus = No Problem
Muslims living with Hindus = Problem
Muslims living with Buddhists = Problem
Muslims living with Christians = Problem
Muslims living with Jews = Problem
Muslims living with Sikhs = Problem
Muslims living with Baha’is = Problem
Muslims living with Shintos = Problem
Muslims living with Atheists = Problem

MUSLIMS LIVING WITH MUSLIMS = BIG PROBLEM

———SO THIS LEADS TO ———

They’re not happy in Gaza
They’re not happy in Egypt
They’re not happy in Libya
They’re not happy in Morocco
They’re not happy in Iran
They’re not happy in Iraq
They’re not happy in Yemen
They’re not happy in Afghanistan
They’re not happy in Pakistan
They’re not happy in Syria
They’re not happy in Lebanon
They’re not happy in Nigeria
They’re not happy in Kenya
They’re not happy in Sudan

——-So, where the hell are they friggin’ happy? ——

They’re happy in Australia
They’re happy in England
They’re happy in Belgium
They’re happy in France
They’re happy in Italy
They’re happy in Germany
They’re happy in Sweden
They’re happy in the USA & Canada
They’re happy in Norway & India

They’re happy in almost every country that is not Islamic!
And who do they blame? Not Islam… Not their leadership… Not themselves,
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!!
And they want to change the countries they’re happy in, to be like the countries
 they came from where they were unhappy!

Islamic Jihad: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
ISIS: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Qaeda: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Taliban: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Hamas: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Hezbollah: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Boko Haram: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Nusra: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Abu Sayyaf: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Badr: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Muslim Brotherhood: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Lashkar-e-Taiba: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Palestine Liberation Front: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Ansaru: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Jemaah Islamiyah: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Abdullah Azzam Brigades: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION AND A LOT MORE!

And the dumbass politicians and lame stream media just can’t figure out who’s causing the problem! Even better when we point at it and identify it for them, we’re being racist, religiously intolerant and engaging in racial/religious profiling!

In short our own politicians and media are telling the American public that Muslims and their terrorist organizations are not the problem- WE ARE!

When all these dumb ass clueless politicians start coming out of the wood work announcing their candidacy for President or for Congress remember this. We need leaders who don’t see the American publics desire for a safe and secure America based on American values and traditions, populated by American citizens and properly documented/authorized non Americans as not being a problem but rather our inalienable right as sovereign US citizens!

10006319_3_1600_900

Three Ducks in a Bar

When I read this to Molly she giggled and said “I love it!” So I guess it’s perfect.

– – –

Three little ducks waddle into a bar.

“Good afternoon!” the bartender says to the first duck. “What’s your name?”

“Huey,” the duck says.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.

“That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “And what’s your name?”

“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.

“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is Puddles.”

10005487_16_500_500

or a Leprechaun or a Dragon…sort of depends if it’s the girl is Diaman or Ginny

Tale of the IDIOT

 

 

Hatching day! Great Aunt Kayeth sent a knights & maidens marble cake. I lit all the torches in one breath, so I get my wish.

Morning came on little cat feet…walking on my face—pointy little cat feet. Stab, stab, stab. Hello morning, I bet you want to be fed.

Twenty-two tons of giant fire breathing lizard in servitude to eight pounds of feline attitude. How does that happen? Sigh. Better feed cat…now.

Zzzzzz, whaza? Napping, why do you ask? Why so long? Sleeping off ateding entire tournament. Knights, horses, spectators, pells, rails, benches…everything! Yum!

Dragon’s day-planner for Friday: Noon—wake up. Hunt up maiden to use for bait. Tie maiden-fly. Fish for knights. Catch knight. Ate knight. Fish more. Ate more. Nap on treasure…

Dragon’s day-planner for Saturday. Noon, get up. Go for a fly-around. Look for dwarves. Dwarf nests always have sparklies. Sparkly! sparkly! sparkly!

    Dragon Diaries Part Six

Giant bat woke me in the middle of the night. Flew into a tiny side passage where I can’t fit. Cat went to look and came back fluffy. Now cat’s chewing on garlic. Silly cat.

Spotted the giant bat flapping around again. It was carrying a big wooden box. Cat got all fluffy, again. Stupid bat. Silly Cat.

Giant bat flew in carrying a maiden all in white. That does it! Nobody eats maidens in this cave but the big lizard.

Revising original assessment on maiden. Giant white bat flew by this evening with giant black bat. Cat VERY fluffy now. Beginning to think cat might have a point.

Cat refuses to check out side tunnel. Claims we’re infested with vampires. Very fluffy. Wondering what vampires are, now.

Reading up on vampires. Aunt Kayath had a great recipe book. Going to need wooden skewers & brandy for the flambe.

Gotta love dragon cookbooks: Vampires on brochet, or Vlad the Impaled. skewer 3 Medium vampires, soak in brandy for one hour, light with breath…

Now that I’ve got a good vampire recipe, I just need to catch them. I wonder if the dwarfware store sells vampire bat paper.

Went to the dwarfware store. No bat paper, but they had a couple of those big snappy traps and some inflatable maidens for bait. At least that’s what I’m using them for. The counter dwarf gave me a funny look when I said I wanted some.

Bother. Need new bait. Cat had incident with the inflatable maidens. POP! Now cat’s all fluffy again. Sigh.

Man tried to sell me phone service today. Told me it would mean people could reach me without coming to door. Then I wouldn’t be able to ated them, so I ated phone man. Keep hearing ringing from tummy now. Sigh.

Tummy still ringing intermittently. Cat went fluffy from laughing so hard. Hate, hate, hate phones! Why would anyone invent such a noisy distraction?

Weird! Out for a fly around and thought I’d run into more giant bats, but it turned out to be entire flock of bat-winged pigs. I ated them, of course. They were delicious—gotta love inflight bacon delivery service—but what the…

Found my snappy vampire trap empty. The new inflatable maiden bait was still in place but it had a punctured neck with two straws left in the holes. Think they’re mocking me.

Cat came running in all fluffy, claiming there’s snow on the ground. But according to forecast there’s a 90% chance it’s a hallucination. Going with that.

Moved on from traps for vampires. Going to try direct action. Have bought vampire bat swatter and am waiting for my chance.

Woke up and found someone had tied big bell to vampire swatter. Ha. Ha. Screw the swatter. Kill them with fire. Drinking white gas and chewing coal.

Told cat about my plan for flaming out the vampire tunnel. Cat went all fluffy and bolted off into the woods. Weird, what could possibly go wrong?

What’s odorless and colorless and apparently abundant in the dragon cave? Cat and I are going to be natural gas tycoons. Also…Booom!

Stupid vampires!

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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2 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs # 298 for Wednesday May 6th 2015

  1. Ginny says:

    Loved the story of the Dad from Huston and the Board of Education. Also loved what you have done with Headquarters….outstanding, Do you hire yourself out? I agree with Molly, big smiles here about the ducks in the bar. Great job on the issue, also the banana muffins made me crash and burn!

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      You think the muffins were bad? Just wait until next week!
      I have a recipe I may have to invent a new warning for!
      “Danger of Diabetic Coma Disclaimer”
      Toll House Chocolate Chip Pie is incredible!

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