Dragon Laffs #1434


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Good Morning Campers,

Lack of time, lack of a day off and lack of anything important happening this week makes my opening comments quite short, so why do we instead, find out just what Impish has been up to these last few days…

 

Impish Dragon walks into the garage where C2B2 is housed.  It’s more like a living room for a vehicle01 than a garage, although there are, if you look for them, devices of mechanical maintenance about the area.  Vehicle lifts with pillows on the arms to support Miss Bang’s undercarriage, oil and other lubricants are stored behind closed doors with privacy shades for when she needs to have her fluids dealt with, just as any lady would require.  There are also some decorative paintings and such on the wall that Impish takes an interest in.

“Hey Chitty, babe, nice digs…your design?”

Chitty-Chitty, Bang-Bang responds, her English accent evident, but with a softer quality to her voice.  It’s obvious that the two partners have grown closer together. “Good Morning, Impish.  Yes, I picked out most of the decorations and paintings and the requested changes to my home were made quite quickly and pleasantly.  I asked one of my maintainers to pass on to Mr. L my appreciation but I’m not sure if he ever received it.  Could you, perhaps, insure that my appreciation is communicated to him?”

“No worries CB.  I’m sure he knows, but I will tell him again myself the next time I see him.”

“It is a little worrying,” the car continues.  “I thought that he would be down to check on the work being done himself.  He always seems to be so very interested in my welfare and the things that are going on around here.”

Impish replies, “Yeah.  I haven’t seen him around for the last day or so.  I wonder if he’s off somewhere getting further instructions or if he’s just gone on holiday.  Hell, for all of that, he could just be locked in his offices and not taking any visitors.  It wouldn’t be the first time that Friday has told me he wasn’t in when he was.”

“Language Mr. Blue!  Language!”

In a horribly fake English accent our blue dragon says, “Oh. ‘tis sorry I am mum.  Please pardon my foul and guttural words.  I do be apologizing to a lady such as yourself.”

C2B2 makes a horrible sound from under her front bonnet, and replies, “Egads Impish.  That was right bloody awful.  Don’t be doing that again.  I don’t think my speakers could take it.  Accents are NOT your forte!”

The two friends share a chuckle.

“How about a little drive in the country to stretch our legs?” Impish asks.

“To stretch OUR legs?  You’d just be lounging and I’d be doing all the work, but that’s how you like it, I suppose.” A chuckling noise comes out from under the hood.  “But doesn’t that describe the relationship between men and women in general.  The men always seem to lay back and relax while the women do all the work.”

“Chitty!  Girl!  Are you talking women’s liberation, or thinking back to your last awakening, women’s sufferage, because … you know … women have all kinds of rights now.  Voting, working…um … er … bra burning… and… well, they have all kinds of rights.  Or were you perhaps, making a veiled attempt at humor of a sexual nature?”

There is a roar and the car leaps forward towards the dragon, “Why I never!  Sexual! I…grrr!” Suddenly, doors on the sides, top and front of C2B2 spring open showing the muzzles of several different and varying weapons platforms.  Some of them spinning and winding up, others crackling with electricity.

Impish dragon leaps for the small people sized door in the larger garage door and makes it outside without being run over or shot or worse.  As he starts to amble his way back to his offices he is heard to mutter, “Damn touchy she is.  Guess I’ll go get my own donuts this morning.”

While the dragon is leaving, unheard by him or others, in her garage, Chitty, Chitty Bang-Bang chuckles and says quietly, “I know he wanted me to do something silly, like take him to get cake or donuts for breakfast and as it’s a Saturday, I just wish to lay about this morning.  Chasing him off was easier than I thought.”

And the car seems to snuggle right down and is soon fast asleep.

 

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Before we get to the laffs today, I saw a video on Monday night that I think every parent should see.  It bothered me so much that I actually had nightmares about it that night and it’s been on my mind ever since.

No, it’s not scary…well…not in the traditional sense.  How many of you parents out there talk to your4c kids about not talking to strangers?  Do you make the stranger scary?  A mean man who is going to kidnap them and take them away?

What happens when the bad guy is a good looking younger guy with a puppy?  Will your kids remember your warnings about not talking to strangers?  Are you sure, cause these moms were sure, too.

Watch this one.  Please.  Especially if you have young kids, grandkids or even if you just know someone who has kids and you can pass it along.  Like Joey says at the end…over 700 kids are abducted every day…are your kids safe?

Yes….it’s a difficult topic to talk about.  But, hopefully this video might make it a little easier to have that conversation.

 

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She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!
  ‘The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. 
  Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
  Nearby were 7 more dead ‘gators, all lying belly up.The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the ‘gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration …..  
“Dammmm!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT TOO!

 

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Thanks to My Dad and Vito for this one!  So very true and so very sad.

 

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 91, living in Miami, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.  
 
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”  
 
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”  
 
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”  
 
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”  
 
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”  
 
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”  
 
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”  
 
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”  
 
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”  
 
Pharmacist: “You bet!”  
 
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”  
 
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”  
 
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”  
 
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”  
 
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”  
 
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”  
 
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”  
 
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”  
 
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”  
 
Pharmacist: “Sure.”  
 
Jacob: “Well, We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

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Please pardon this interruption in your Dragon Laffs reading, but our network wants us to present the following

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The Network also asked us to display this poster so that you might copy and put it in your own offices.  As you can see, it has visual representations of the 5 main medical responses to the “WORK” virus.
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Thank you for your attention.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled ezine.

 

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Part of our schools Polo Team.  Yeah, we play it a little differently than you do.

 

 

I have this friend, who spent so much money on a girl over a 2 year period, that he finally married her for his money.

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You know you are addicted…
When you go on YouTube to watch a quick music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe.

 

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Okay, so this one may have been around once or twice, but it’s still very funny…

Why I’m Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’,  and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’
I thought…well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.  So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick said, ‘Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’
I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’
I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there.
on the couch.
naked.

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Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together.

For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because its quiet and has a nice view.

For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because its wheelchair accessible.

For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they’ve never been there before.

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Honestly Officer

Honesty

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Honesty3

Honesty4

 

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Lethal wrote to me late last evening to tell me exactly what happened to me when I returned from my donut run…
As you stroll back into your office with a 24 pack box of donuts with 2 remaining for Terrance you see a cart with a package wrapped in brown paper. Atop the package apparently quite comfortably ensconced are SC & Chai two of the ranking Ninja Kitties. Meanwhile, Bruce the Brutal paces back and forth across the end of Terrance’s desk pausing just long enough to peer interestedly into the donut box as Terrance eagerly opens it only to stare at the two plain unglazed donuts which have quite obviously been Dragon licked. Terrance sighs and Bruce snorts in apparent derision.
 
“Gee. Thanks boss. You shouldn’t have. Really”
 
“Terrance I don’t do enough to demonstrate my appreciation of you and since you’ll not be needed as my driver when I’m ah..doing my other thing I figured the least I could do was bring you a couple donuts”
 
“No. I meant you really shouldn’t have licked them.” Box tilts and the donuts slide unceremoniously into the trash “Oops! Bruce! Not nice!” Bruce licks his paw and looks pleased with himself
 
“Oh. I umm…thought they might be poisoned. Yeah..I mean who eats donuts without glaze frosting powdered sugar or filling? I…YIKES! WHAT THE HELL?”
 
You turn to find SC regarding you as she examines a set of claws which apparently your tail  was on the receiving end of. Glaring at you she stalks to the handle end of the cart looks at it and you and utters a single “MEH!”
 
As you head for the end of the cart you feel Bruce jump on you and ding in for stability on your shoulder “ARRGH! BRUCE! Look I know I’ve been ducking you and you’ve been sent by Lethal over the lack of his Pork Rolls. I swear I’m working on getting more for him he just needs to be OWWW!! HOLY HELL MY EAR!
 
You reach for your ear to discover it now has a new piercing hole courtesy apparently of Bruce’s fangs as he seems to be intent on washing the taste of
your ear out of his mouth by cleaning his chest. As you glare at him contemplating the possible consequences and fall out of Brutally BBQ Bruce he looks up at you with a ‘What?’ expression. You’re just about to give into your urge when again your tail is the recipient of sharp attention from SC. “DAMN IT ALL THAT HURTS!”
As you turn toward SC, Chai catches you eye because of the mischievous look in hers. Your about to ask if she is responsible for the 2nd attack on your tail when she pointed walks over to the closed doors to your office and bangs them hard with her hip and sits expectantly looking at the cart. At this point SC agian loudly insist “MEH!”
 
“LISTEN! I GOT NEWS FOR YOU FOUR LEGGED FLEA FACTORIES! I’M NOT YOUR.. CHAI! NO! NOT my solid hard wood 18 century doors! ok ok! We’re going in my office right now geeze!”
 
You open office doors and the parade into you office is lead by Chai who leaps up on to your desk turns around and sits waiting for you. As soon as the cart with the package stops moving all 3 cats immediately attack the brown paper wrapping in a furious whirlwind furball of fangs and claws. Amazingly when done the package contents isn’t harmed and contains a vest designed for a Dragon carrying cargo.
 
As you admire the ergonomic engineering and fore thought that went into make the vest along with making it appear Victorian while not compromising form or function a blur of motion catches your eye. Your head swivels in time to see Chai leap from your desk to the curtains on your French Doors. As you scream in horror she hangs from her front claws and kicks at the door level with her rear feet until it opens. She drops to the floor and darts back inside narrowly missing colliding with a drone on it way in. As it settles somewhat heavily on the desk you muse about asking to have a ‘drone door installed on your wall or in the French Doors.
 
Turning to the drone you ask it “Well? A tiny metallic noise is heard- barely. You have to carefully raise the drone up to find a small flat looking… stud earing?
 
As you examine the offering the drone sudden raises up and dashes not out the door but over to a blank sections of wall. Suddenly a message illuminates on the wall in laser: PUT STUD IN EAR
 
“Thank You no, I’m not that sort of dragon and I don’t have pierced ears in any…HOLY SHITE WILL YOU STOP THAT ALREADY!”
 
Bruce has just licked the still forming scabs off you recently bitten ear and made doubly sure the hole goes completely through. Nose to nose with you you both glare at the other until Bruce raises his paw flexing it to show his sharps and questioning ask “Reh?”
 
“Ok! OK! It’s going in! Sheesh! How the hell do I get out of this chicken outfit anyway?”
 
Bruce suddenly flattens out and draws a line across your throat from ear to ear so fast you don’t feel it until after he sits back up and cocks his head at you inquiringly.
 
“Uh…rhetorical question dude don’t get your hopes up. Besides I can take you any time I want.”
 
Regarding you with a great deal of amusement much to the elevation of your BP Bruce turns his attention to the wall where the drone is flashing a new message:
PUT VEST ON
 
With only a modicum of help and attention calling from the 3 cats you get the vest on correctly and make all necessary first time adjustments in short order and with any more ninja cat induced pain on your part.
 
Again looking at the wall the drone has another new message waiting:
FOLLOW ME
 
As soon as you acknowledge it and turn around you feel 3 distinct weights of varying degree hit you as all 3 Ninja cats jump onto the vest and apparently into predetermined pockets. The drone is now hovering outside the French Doors on your landing terrace. As you step through the doors and they begin to swing closed, it darts off giving you now choice but to spread your wings then follow diving sharply then executing a near on wing turn much to the loud protests from multiple vest pocket location and your glee.
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9 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1434

  1. Ginny says:

    Thanks for including the link about child abduction (social experiment) indeed very scary. Lots of laughs and my appreciation for YOUR TIME spent on your weekly issue.

  2. Alan says:

    The politics don’t really mean much to me as I’m not American (although your politics does tend to affect the whole world!!!), but I still very much enjoy the humor. Keep it up. And as for Mark, there is an unsubscribe link in the mail you get that sends you here.
    Alan

  3. Mark laskin says:

    You have every link possible except one to unsubscribe. Can you point me in the right direction please. I have never agreed with your politics but fully support your right to express your views. At least you have been quite funny in the past… Sadly this is fading into rants .. So please allow me to unsubscribe rather than just delete. Thank you for your efforts over the years.

    • impishdragon says:

      Mark,
      Sorry to see you go. We do try to be funny but we also tend to talk about things that are important to us and important to our country. Some people don’t get it, some just don’t care. I’m not sure exactly how you unsubscribe because there are different ways to subscribe. Try the link at the end of the top section on the right sidebar where it says you are following this group.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      If you are subscribed then you get the email announcing the new posts.
      The bottom of EVERY one has a link for unsubscribing as required by the CANSPAM ACT.

      I’m gladden and pleased Mark that there is at least one sole liberal that recognizes our right Constitutionally protected right to our view point(s) and publically airing them. I respect your right and choice to leave because you don’t agree with these view points. Sadly its not that we prefer ranting, these actually take far more works them just cutting and pasting a bunch of jokes and funny pictures in an order that makes sense and flows. Rather it is a sign of the times that we live in that so many feel compelled to comment on current events and the state of affairs both in our country and in the world. I truly wish that being one of the sole voices of reason in the darkness were not something we feel compelled to do/be. It would be way less work to just sit with the masses and curse the encroaching darkness and grouse over the loss of our rights one at a time.

      However I didn’t miss the fact that you had to take the opportunity to publically slam us before doing so to make your point, instead of contacting either of us privately and asking for help or removing your Democratic Party Approved Fact Blinders opening your eye and you know actually working for what you want a little instead of taking the entitlement approach and demanding it be handed to you.

      Therefore don’t let the portcullis crush you or the flaming oil from the murder holes in the entry portico roast you on the way out.

      Oh, one last thing, Ginny specifically asked that we point out her waving good bye to you. Piety she’s only extending the effort to her middle finger though.

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