“Oh, this is so cool! I wonder if I can get Lethal … I mean, Mr. G, to get me one of these!”
The screen on the computer showed some sort of flying device with lots of colored lights, switches and connectors.
“This is perfect! Just what I need!”
A whirring/buzzing sound can be heard growing louder outside the French Doors leading to Impish’s personal balcony/landing pad at DL/LL HQ.
Suddenly the doors silently swing in as if he had used the remote he normally carried when landing on the patio. A small drone slowly flies in the room and does a half circle around him and his desk while maintaining its orientation on our blue friend.
Impish can make out a small camera which seems to be studying his facial features for a moment before the drone abruptly moves forward landing on the desk. It sits there silently its four rotors having ceased spinning for a moment before there is a faint click and the sound of something small and metallic striking the desk.
Immediately the electric motor whine returns and the four rotors spin back to speed and the drone lifts up sliding sideways before flitting out the French doors almost faster than Impish can turn his neck to follow it. Just as the drone clears the threshold the French Doors are swinging closed and locking.
Turning his attention back to his desk you see a titanium cased weather proof USB Drive that was not there before. Impish notes the time, guess-ta-mates how long ago the drone sat down on his desk then opens a Yellow Page book turning to the page of the last two digits of the time. He then counts down the first two digits of the time in entries making note of the last 4 digits of the appropriate phone number as he has been taught.
These digits he carefully enters on the tiny numeric pad on the case of the USB Drive. A faint click is heard and the keypad momentarily blinks green. The end cap can now easily be removed and the drive inserted into his lap top after first air gapping it by disconnecting from the DL/LL Network and locking the office doors.
The screen immediately flares to life and a mechanical but faintly familiar voice comes from the Bluetooth ear piece he wears, narrating what he is viewing:
Good Morning Mr. Blue. Last night a critical piece of hardware for the operation of the D.R.A.G.O.N. HQ facility was destroyed in what we suspect was an act of sabotage by the forces of A.S.S. timed to coincide with serve thunder storms and their accompanying electrical disturbances of the power grid.
Our Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit (shown here) a critical component to the smooth operation of D.R.A.G.O.N HQ suffered irreparable catastrophic damage. We are currently running on a single dosage back up unit. This however is greatly impairing the efficiency and effectiveness of our operation(s) as well as severely impinging on morale.
A.S.S. has already anticipated this which is precisely the reason they chose to strike at this crucial piece of hardware.
Additionally this is having the effect of forcing more of our critical operation personnel to leave the safety of our secret HQ in search of caffeinated beverages at Starbucks locations which are known meeting places for local factions of A.S.S. Hipsters.
Your mission, whether you like it or not, is to escort and provide security for the replacement Oral Caffenation Unit (shown here) insuring its safe arrival at our HQ location so that we can get our staff back up to maximum caffeine levels at the earliest possible moment thereby safe guarding our staff from potential kidnapping threats and preventing A.S.S’s Hipsters from gaining any valuable Intel from our caffeine deprived agents.
As usual, if you are caught or killed you will be either thought insane and committed to the Nucking Futz Psychiatric Center for the Syphilitically Drain Bramaged, or a Napolitano Home Grown Right Wing Conservative Terrorist in which case you’ll go back to a certain cell in a certain Cigar and Rum producing Caribbean Island.
In either event D.R.AG.O.N. will be too crippled by Acute chronic caffeine deficiency and too pissed off at you to make any attempt to rescue you. Should you manage to return to us but fail the mission, it’s back to the Hokey-Pokey Facility for an extend reorientation session followed by forced entry into our Failed Agents Protection Program where you’ll spend the rest of your life in a Siberian Labor Camp working as a ten Ruble a dance Drag Queen.
Your handler Mr. Green will be in contact for any additional support you may need.
Oh one more thing- on your way back we’re in need of the standard consumables for use with the Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit. Pick some up will you?
BTW as the FNG it wouldn’t hurt for you to spring for a few dozen donuts either, Rookie.
This USB Drive will wipe all the Pie Porn from your hard drive and then self-destruct before you can yank it out.
Good luck Mr. Blue, don’t screw up your rookie outing.
As smoke rises from the USB plug Impish exclaims, “My first mission! My very first solo mission.” He starts humming the theme song to Mission Impossible, beginning to cough from the acrid smoke pouring from the computer. It seems the USB drive caught the rest of the laptop on fire and the smoke is rising in the room. With the doors and all the windows closed and locked the room is beginning to fill up with smoke and Impish is having more and more trouble breathing.
“My first (cough!) mission (cough!) I can’t (choke) believe (Hack!) they are trusting (cough!) with this (gasp!) important …”
The desk is now burning fiercely as the smoke alarm is going off. Impish is unconscious on the floor but is soon woken by the sprinkler system that completely soaks the room. As the dragon wakens he sees Terrence walking through the room with a respirator over his face mumbling, “Stupid damn dragon; doesn’t know damn-well enough to pull the damn self-destructing USB thumb drive from the damn computer before setting the damn room on fire.” Terrance moves to the French doors on the balcony and throws them open as the fumes rush out of the room and into the night sky.
As Impish sits up on the floor and looks up at Terrence, the Troll removes his face mask and asks, “Shall I make up the alternate bedroom for you, sir?”
Lethal sent this to me because I’m so deserving:
In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, “What’s wrong honey?”
She replies, “My head hurts.
“Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, “Is it better now?”
“Yes,” she says.
Then he asks, “Does it hurt somewhere else?”
“Here,” she replies, pointing to her lips.
So the boyfriend kisses her lips. “Is it better now?”
“Anywhere else?”She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, “Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?”
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not handicapped!”
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “I saw your I’m “Ready for Hillary” bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder.”
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them out!
Let’s see…witty or sarcastic comment about this picture…. yeah, I got nuthin’.
This is GREAT!!!!
You Tell ‘Em Friday!!!!
All you youngsters out there take notice of this next joke!
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: — “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??
Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so — ” Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!
Yup, my favorite line at work: “I’m from the government, I’m here to help.” It rarely bestows confidence in my work.
Impish has made his way to three of the best, undercover acquisition locations that were taught to him in Spy-Craft 101. He found the “Standard Consumables” easily enough at Walmart and at a fairly decent price. He even found a whole display of Krispy Kreme Donuts and loaded all of it into the side car of Blue Dragon 3.
As he was moving through location #2, Target, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched. Going down wrong aisles, quickly changing directions, and hiding in blind aisles waiting for someone to catch up with him, he was unable to locate anyone who might have been watching him run his mission.
He was unable to acquire the caffeine dispensing thingamajig at Target and went back out to Blue Dragon 3. As he climbed into the seat, he noticed all his consumables, including the donuts, had been removed from the open sidecar.
“Aha! I am being watched! Some evil A.S.S. operative has stolen my high priority package. I’ll not let that happen again!”
As he left the parking lot, he failed to notice the two teenage boys sitting on a bench near the Target entrance eating his donuts.
He immediately went to his third location and went inside Best Buy and although moving quite quickly and evasively, the Customer Service Technician eventually found what he needed, wrapped the caffeine dispensing device and he carefully, brought it out and put it in the sidecar.
“How am I going to go back to location #1, get the consumables that I need, without falling into the obvious trap A.S.S. has set for me? I can’t leave the device in the sidecar… Aha! I’ve got it!”
Freedom is NOT Free. Watch this video and think about how far we’ve fallen in just a few short years. My God, we need to bring this spirit back alive in our country.
Please pass this on to as many people as you can.
I dream of Jeannie!
And since we’re discussing Fantasy, here’s my response to the Man from D.R.A.G.O.N. theme music. This is Hydra by Toto. Listen to the words!
Okay, so maybe not suitable for a theme song, but still one of my favorites.
A couple came upon a wishing well.
Okay, here’s five more funny ones for you military types.
You gotta love honesty in advertising.
Now, that’s more like it. And a phrase we used many, many times.
Yes. Yes he does. and that was my job, to put bombs, missiles and bullets in that bad-boy.
‘Nuff said about that!
Yup, and the college educated pilot will write up that the aircraft had an inadvertent release and it will become one of my guys, with a high school diploma, to try and figure out what actually happened. The correct response should be, short between the headset.
As Lethal brought up on Tax Day… or um… Wednesday. I’m sorry. I heard some of you sob when I said that. Ahem. As Lethal said on Wednesday, Hillary has thrown her hat in the ring, so I believe it’s time for an unabashed view of Mrs. Clinton. You can thank dear Maggie, the sweet little Irish Lass for these:
“So, I went in through the front automatic doors, down the aisle ways with my bike, threw all the packages into the sidecar without having to stop, I even managed to get the donuts after I extricated myself from that pile of cans of baked beans that I ran into while reaching for the filters.” Impish was being debriefed by Lethal Leprechaun after his mission.
“You road Blue Dragon #3 through Walmart?”
“Yeah, and I even managed to evade two A.S.S. operatives in the store! Can you believe that one was dressed as the manager and the other as store security?”
He smiles large at the Leprechaun.
“Those were the Store Manager and Store Security.”
“Well, I did manage to throw the cashier a hundred dollar bill to cover the stuff.”
“You threw her a ten dollar bill and that doesn’t even begin to cover the damage.”
“But, I accomplished my first mission!”
“That you did, Impish…that you did.”
Impish leaves the briefing singing:
♪♫One of these things is not like the other. One of these things does not belong.♫♪
We are still working on our Holy Shit Motivationals. What do you say we go a little long this week and finish them off? Yeah, I thought you’d like that.
And that closes out the Holy Shit Motivationals…sigh…I’m sad they’re gone. They were fun. Next week will bring us some new Motivationals.
Let us pray………………….
This one comes from my dad. You know that both Lethal and I have advocated for this in the past, but this one goes just a little bit further and makes a couple of additional points that I liked enough to share it here:
To Pee or Not To Pee…
–I have a job
–I work, they pay me.
–It’s a pretty good system that’s been going on for a long time.
–I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
–In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).
–What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.
–So, here’s my question: Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
–Please understand, I have no problem helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt – doing drugs, while I work.
–Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
–I guess we could call the program “Urine or You’re Out!”
–Here’s another thought: Shouldn’t all politicians have to pass a urine test, too? How about passing an intelligence test, a common sense test and most importantly, an Understanding the Constitution Test!
–If you agree with this, then please pass it on. If not….well…you’re probably not reading this blog any more anyway.
–Some things have to change in this country…AND SOON!!!