Dragon Laffs #1431


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“Oh, this is so cool!  I wonder if I can get Lethal … I mean, Mr. G, to get me one of these!”

The screen on the computer showed some sort of flying device with lots of colored lights, switches and connectors.

“This is perfect!  Just what I need!”

A whirring/buzzing sound can be heard growing louder outside the French Doors leading to Impish’s personal balcony/landing pad at DL/LL HQ.

Suddenly the doors silently swing in as if he had used the remote he normally carried when landing on the patio. A small drone slowly flies in the room and does a half circle around him and his desk while maintaining its orientation on our blue friend.

 

Impish can make out a small camera which seems to be studying his facial features for a moment before the drone abruptly moves forward landing on the desk.  It sits there silently its four rotors having ceased spinning for a moment before there is a faint click and the sound of something small and metallic striking the desk.

 

Immediately the electric motor whine returns and the four rotors spin back to speed and the drone lifts up sliding sideways before flitting out the French doors almost faster than Impish can turn his neck to follow it. Just as the drone clears the threshold the French Doors are swinging closed and locking.

 

Turning his attention back to his desk you see a titanium cased weather proof USB Drive that was not there before. Impish notes the time, guess-ta-mates how long ago the drone sat down on his desk then opens a Yellow Page book turning to the page of the last two digits of the time. He then counts down the first two digits of the time in entries making note of the last 4 digits of the appropriate phone number as he has been taught.

 

These digits he carefully enters on the tiny numeric pad on the case of the USB Drive. A faint click is heard and the keypad momentarily blinks green. The end cap can now easily be removed and the drive inserted into his lap top after first air gapping it by disconnecting from the DL/LL Network and locking the office doors.

 

The screen immediately flares to life and a mechanical but faintly familiar voice comes from the Bluetooth ear piece he wears, narrating what he is viewing:

 

Good Morning Mr. Blue. Last night a critical piece of hardware for the operation of the D.R.A.G.O.N. HQ facility was destroyed in what we suspect was an act of sabotage by the forces of A.S.S.clip_image002 timed to coincide with serve thunder storms and their accompanying electrical disturbances of the power grid.

 

Our Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit (shown here) a critical component to the smooth operation of D.R.A.G.O.N HQ suffered irreparable catastrophic damage. We are currently running on a single dosage back up unit. This however is greatly impairing the efficiency and effectiveness of our operation(s) as well as severely impinging on morale.

 

A.S.S. has already anticipated this which is precisely the reason they chose to strike at this crucial piece of hardware.

 

Additionally this is having the effect of forcing more of our critical operation personnel to leave the safety of our secret HQ in search of caffeinated beverages at Starbucks locations which are known meeting places for local factions of A.S.S. Hipsters.

 

Your mission, whether you like it or not, is to escort and provide imagesecurity for the replacement Oral Caffenation Unit (shown here) insuring its safe arrival at our HQ location so that we can get our staff back up to maximum caffeine levels at the earliest possible moment thereby safe guarding our staff from potential kidnapping threats and preventing A.S.S’s Hipsters from gaining any valuable Intel from our caffeine deprived agents.

 

As usual, if you are caught or killed  you will be either thought insane and committed to the Nucking Futz Psychiatric Center for the Syphilitically Drain Bramaged, or a Napolitano Home Grown Right Wing Conservative Terrorist in which case you’ll go back to a certain cell in a certain Cigar and Rum producing Caribbean Island.

 

In either event D.R.AG.O.N. will be too crippled by Acute chronic caffeine deficiency and too pissed off at you to make any attempt to rescue you. Should you manage to return to us but fail the mission, it’s back to the Hokey-Pokey Facility for an extend reorientation session followed by forced entry into our Failed Agents Protection Program where you’ll spend the rest of your life in a Siberian Labor Camp working as a ten Ruble a dance Drag Queen.

 

Your handler Mr. Green will be in contact for any additional support you may need.

 

Oh one more thing- on your way back we’re in need of the standard consumables for use with the Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit. Pick some up will you?

 

BTW as the FNG it wouldn’t hurt for you to spring for a few dozen donuts either, Rookie.

 

This USB Drive will wipe all the Pie Porn from your hard drive and then self-destruct before you can yank it out.

 

Good luck Mr. Blue, don’t screw up your rookie outing.

 

FITZZZZ!

 

As smoke rises from the USB plug Impish exclaims, “My first mission!  My very first solo mission.”  He starts humming the theme song to Mission Impossible, beginning to cough from the acrid smoke pouring from the computer.  It seems the USB drive caught the rest of the laptop on fire and the smoke is rising in the room.  With the doors and all the windows closed and locked the room is beginning to fill up with smoke and Impish is having more and more trouble breathing.

 

“My first (cough!) mission (cough!) I can’t (choke) believe (Hack!) they are trusting (cough!) with this (gasp!) important …”

 

The desk is now burning fiercely as the smoke alarm is going off.  Impish is unconscious on the floor but is soon woken by the sprinkler system that completely soaks the room.  As the dragon wakens he sees Terrence walking through the room with a respirator over his face mumbling, “Stupid damn dragon; doesn’t know damn-well enough to pull the damn self-destructing USB thumb drive from the damn computer before setting the damn room on fire.”  Terrance moves to the French doors on the balcony and throws them open as the fumes rush out of the room and into the night sky.

As Impish sits up on the floor and looks up at Terrence, the Troll removes his face mask and asks, “Shall I make up the alternate bedroom for you, sir?”

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Lethal sent this to me because I’m so deserving:

7c

 

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In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, “What’s wrong honey?”

She replies, “My head hurts.

“Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, “Is it better now?”

“Yes,” she says.

Then he asks, “Does it hurt somewhere else?”

“Here,” she replies, pointing to her lips.

So the boyfriend kisses her lips. “Is it better now?”

“Much better.”

“Anywhere else?”She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, “Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?”

 

1366

 

Today I had to go to Orchard Supply Hardware.
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking  space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open  and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not  handicapped!”
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “I saw your I’m “Ready for Hillary” bumper sticker and just assumed  that you suffer from a mental disorder.”

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them  out!

 

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Let’s see…witty or sarcastic comment about this picture…. yeah, I got nuthin’.

 

This is GREAT!!!!

You Tell ‘Em Friday!!!!

 

 

All you youngsters out there take notice of this next joke!

An old geezer, (Probably Paul) who  had been a retired fireman for a long time, became very bored and decided to open  a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Paul Geezer’s clinic. “Get  your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,”  who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought  this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr.  Geezer’s clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — “Dr.  Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??

Dr.  Geezer:  —  “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3  drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is  Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That  will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of  days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I  cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh  no you don’t,  —  that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer:  “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr.  Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more  days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can  hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so  —  ” Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only  $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That  will be $500.”

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re “Young”  doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!

(There you go Paul.  I thought you’d appreciate it if we gave you a good part in a joke every now and then.)
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Yup, my favorite line at work: “I’m from the government, I’m here to help.” It rarely bestows confidence in my work.

 

Impish has made his way to three of the best, undercover acquisition locations that were taught to him in Spy-Craft 101.  He found the “Standard Consumables” easily enough at Walmart and at a fairly decent price.  He even found a whole display of Krispy Kreme Donuts and loaded all of it into the side car of Blue Dragon 3. 

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As he was moving through location #2, Target, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched.  Going down wrong aisles, quickly changing directions, and hiding in blind aisles waiting for someone to catch up with him, he was unable to locate anyone who might have been watching him run his mission. 

 

He was unable to acquire the caffeine dispensing thingamajig at Target and went back out to Blue Dragon 3.  As he climbed into the seat, he noticed all his consumables, including the donuts, had been removed from the open sidecar.

 

“Aha!  I am being watched!  Some evil A.S.S. operative has stolen my high priority package.  I’ll not let that happen again!”

 

As he left the parking lot, he failed to notice the two teenage boys sitting on a bench near the Target entrance eating his donuts.

 

He immediately went to his third location and went inside Best Buy and although moving quite quickly and evasively, the Customer Service Technician eventually found what he needed, wrapped the caffeine dispensing device and he carefully, brought it out and put it in the sidecar. 

“How am I going to go back to location #1, get the consumables that I need, without falling into the obvious trap A.S.S. has set for me?  I can’t leave the device in the sidecar… Aha!  I’ve got it!”

 

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Freedom is NOT Free.  Watch this video and think about how far we’ve fallen in just a few short years.  My God, we need to bring this spirit back alive in our country.

Please pass this on to as many people as you can.

 

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I dream of Jeannie!

 

And since we’re discussing Fantasy, here’s my response to the Man from D.R.A.G.O.N. theme music.  This is Hydra by Toto.  Listen to the words!

“Hydra”

There was a man
Who walked alone
Searching for the girl who had just caught his
“I was a fool!” he cried
His mind had wandered
He blinked and the sky moved ever so slightly
He searched the city
She was nowhere to be found
Meanwhile she was floating downward, downward

Do you want your freedom
Do you want my love
Do you want your freedom
From the one you’re thinking of

There lies a lady
Naked and yet not knowing it
A spell had chained her heart forever
Pray upon by the wolves in Times Square
Feel into an abyss of thin air
Innocence caged in sanctuary
There sat the Dragon Lord
Playing solitairy
Defying the rules the holy boys leap Hell’s Kitchen

Do you want your freedom
Do you want my love
Do you want your freedom
From the man who lives above

Suddenly a voice was heard
In a flash the brave young man appeared
The Dragon Lord will cut him with his tail
Chased him to the stairway
Caught him halfway to the top
Sent him whirling down 
Fireballs, summer solstice
The Dragon Lord descended down on him
She turned to look but saw only darkness silence

You don’t want your freedom
You don’t want my love
You don’t want your throat cut
By the same I’m thinking of

 

Okay, so maybe not suitable for a theme song, but still one of my favorites.

 

1368

 

 

A couple came upon a wishing well.

 
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
 
The wife decided to make a wish, too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
 
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said… “Cool…It really works!”
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Okay, here’s five more funny ones for you military types.

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You gotta love honesty in advertising.

 

8l

As much as it pains me to say this, there’s probably a lot of truth to that one.  gun2

 

 

 

8m

Now, that’s more like it.  And a phrase we used many, many times.

 

8n

Yes.  Yes he does.  and that was my job, to put bombs, missiles and bullets in that bad-boy.

 

8o

‘Nuff said about that!

 

Okay, so one more for good luck:
8p

Yup, and the college educated pilot will write up that the aircraft had an inadvertent release and it will become one of my guys, with a high school diploma, to try and figure out what actually happened.  The correct response should be, short between the headset.

 

As Lethal brought up on Tax Day… or um… Wednesday.  I’m sorry.  I heard some of you sob when I said that.  Ahem.  As Lethal said on Wednesday, Hillary has thrown her hat in the ring, so I believe it’s time for an unabashed view of Mrs. Clinton.  You can thank dear Maggie, the sweet little Irish Lass for these:

4f

4g

4h

4i

4j

A Honeymoon Question
A young couple are undressing on their honeymoon night, when the nervous groom asks his naive bride: “Honey, have you ever been, like, um, you know,…. fucked before?”
 
BRIDE: “Does voting for Obama count?
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“So, I went in through the front automatic doors, down the aisle ways with my bike, threw all the packages into the sidecar without having to stop, I even managed to get the donuts after I extricated myself from that pile of cans of baked beans that I ran into while reaching for the filters.”  Impish was being debriefed by Lethal Leprechaun after his mission.

 

“You road Blue Dragon #3 through Walmart?”

 

“Yeah, and I even managed to evade two A.S.S. operatives in the store!  Can you believe that one was dressed as the manager and the other as store security?” 

He smiles large at the Leprechaun.

 

“Those were the Store Manager and Store Security.”

 

“Well, I did manage to throw the cashier a hundred dollar bill to cover the stuff.”

 

“You threw her a ten dollar bill and that doesn’t even begin to cover the damage.”

“But, I accomplished my first mission!”

 

“That you did, Impish…that you did.”

Impish leaves the briefing singing:

 

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♪♫One of these things is not like the other.  One of these things does not belong.♫♪

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In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
 
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
 
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
 
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among US… Lord — we need more help than we thought we did!
 
No wonder half of graduating college students can’t find a job!
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After  being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me  to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,  censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. You want me  to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair  play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their  handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.You want me to do all this, and then you tell me……
 
 
 
I CAN’T PRAY?

 

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We are still working on our Holy Shit Motivationals.  What do you say we go a little long this week and finish them off?  Yeah, I thought you’d like that.

Holy S14

Holy S15

Holy S16

Holy S17

Holy S18

Holy S19

Holy Shit

And that closes out the Holy Shit Motivationals…sigh…I’m sad they’re gone.  They were fun.  Next week will bring us some new Motivationals.

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Let us pray………………….

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,4c
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

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This one comes from my dad.  You know that both Lethal and I have advocated for this in the past, but this one goes just a little bit further and makes a couple of additional points that I liked enough to share it here:

To Pee or Not To Pee…

–I have a job
–I work, they pay me.
–It’s a pretty good system that’s been going on for a long time.
–I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
–In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).
–What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.
–So, here’s my question: Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
–Please understand, I have no problem helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt – doing drugs, while I work.
–Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
–I guess we could call the program “Urine or You’re Out!”
–Here’s another thought: Shouldn’t all politicians have to pass a urine test, too?  How about passing an intelligence test, a common sense test and most importantly, an Understanding the Constitution Test!
–If you agree with this, then please pass it on.  If not….well…you’re probably not reading this blog any more anyway.
–Some things have to change in this country…AND SOON!!!

z2

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7 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1431

  1. paul says:

    Thanks for the “bone” – but i find humor in how ever I’m abused?? Love the issue as always – and the “pee or not to pee” and the “holy shit” and the teacher part – it sounds like the same as the military with tying there hands behind their backs and expecting good results — as always, love the issue, and appreciate all the work that goes into Dragonlaffs

  2. Ginny says:

    I loved the “PEE OR NOT TO PEE” section. It truly should be enforced in order to receive any welfare. We have all witnessed abuse with their latest and best phones etc. etc. It sure does twist my knickers!

    • impishdragon says:

      Agreed, agreed, agreed. When someone on welfare drives a better car, has nicer things and gets better drugs than I do, the one who works for their payment, something is definitely wrong.

  3. Leah Diane says:

    I keep wondering, are you keeping a copy of all the episodes in the life of Dragon you write about? I can see a book, a movie, toys and T-shirts….

    • impishdragon says:

      Actually, Leah, it’s been just fun. I’ve been published several times before, never for fiction. I enjoy writing, I hope to make it my retirement job/income. Although the way things are going, I probably won’t retire from work until I die.
      So, maybe it’s worth considering…the problem is, that my free time usually goes towards this blog, so if I were to put effort into a book, then this would definitely suffer.

  4. Maggie says:

    love this issue,,, I absolutely agree with the final entry about the PEE TEST they should also be limited in what they can buy with that assistance,, food and the necessities to sustain life,, not drugs,, alochol,, cigaretts,, if they want those things then they need to work for them.. I like that you enjoyed my sending the cartoons. I hope Ipmish does well in his undercover work.

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