Dragon Laffs #1430


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(Mumbling under his breath) I WANT MEAT!!! REAL FOOD!!! The stuff with smoky fat dripping down my chin bad for me ness. No more of this Tofu pizza and veggie burgers!  Salad? That’s nothing but Rabbit food! And with lite dressing besides?  LITE BEER!!!??? Half Decafe Coffee??? It takes me all day just to get my brain out of low gear of Half Decafe!
Oh my Goddess Tiamat, what has that evil hearted Gunnery Sargent done to me?

Eating healthy sucks!  It doesn’t even taste good! Hell it doesn’t even taste! Cardboard would be a step up in taste.

It’s not enough that I know I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in in my whole life.  It’s not enough that I’m stronger, faster, and leaner.  That I’m a better fighter, flyer, dancer …

While Impish is thinking of his plight and wanting to order something really awesome off the menu in the staff kitchen, Diaman and Ginny walked through the dining room, leered at the blue dragon and said, “Looking good Impish!”  “Mmm, looking yummy blue dragon!”

Impish turned back to the waitress and sighs saying, “I’ll have the Dragon size portion grilled chicken salad with lite ranch dressing and an unsweetened iced tea to drink.”

Just as Impish was finishing up, dabbing delicately at his mouth with a cloth napkin the size of a beach towel, Lethal sits down, grabs a waitress, orders a Muslim’s Nightmare BLT Club with cheese fries and a Bass Ale, slaps the waitress on the ass.  She leans down, kisses him on the cheek and sashays into the kitchen to fix his order.  She quickly brings back his drink and Lethal watches her leave before he begins speaking.

“You know, with the Party Hall almost complete, the Gate House Pub open, a good portion of the recreation areas open and some of the mythical and magical creatures moving into their accommodations, we’re already receiving threats and problems with some of the diplomats.  The bloody Infernal Revenue Skeevers are trying to weasel their auditors into a position to give the books for the project a right proper Spanish Inquisition to see where the money came from and who contributed so they have proof for the Flannel suits at State that this isn’t a Diplomatic Mission. If that happens we’ll not have our sovereign soil status!

Then there’s FBI, CIA, DEA and any number of ASSHATS are trying to get inside and put moles and all manner of nasty little spying devices in the different offices and locations.  It’s all Nameless and his staff can do to keep up with the background checks and physical security. That, by the way, doesn’t even begin to address the issue of staff the others are bringing with them that might be a security risk already in place, just the anticipated new hires!

Even the Erlking is beginning to gripe and grump about having to have his hounds patrol the property at night and you know how he lives to hunt! Says the hounds are getting fat and sluggish from eating all those they catch that he doesn’t turn into hounds!

 

Lethal sips his ale contemplatively, wrinkles his brow and grumbles, “I’m telling you Impish something has got to give they’re pushing and its high time we shoved back and bloodied they’re big brother fecking noses or better yet broke a few o’  them outright.”

 “We need an organization that can put itself between our mythical and magical ambassadors and clientele and the big business interests, terrorists and governmental powers that wish to take over everything.  They all want to diddle their fingers in our panties like we’re a bunch of sluts and we need to stop them colder than a catholic school girl virgin on her first date.”

“Too right you are mate.  I’ve been thinking about our conversation from the other day and I think there is an opportunity here, where DL&LL Enterprises can make a tidy profit while making a difference for the magical community and more importantly, we can thereby improve our standing in it and our power base.”

He pauses while his meal shows up, takes a huge bite out of his Muslim’s Nightmare BLT Club and blurts out, “Diverse (Mythical) Races Against (Mundane) Governments Overthrowing our Neutrality.”

Impish considers his words carefully, “You know, it’s amazing that I could actually hear those parentheses in your words, but if I got that right then you’re talking about D.R.A.G.O.N.  So, I would be the Dragon from D.R.A.G.O.N.?  No.  That doesn’t sound right.  But, since I’d be doing an awful lot of the work in my human form, I really could be…

Wait for it….

The MAN from D.R.A.G.O.N.!

Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin eat your heart out! D.R.A.G.O.N. beats the shit out of U.N.C.L.E.!  Makes it sound like you’re giving up all the time!”

Impish rolls around in his chair giggling like a little kid and Lethal grabs his head and whispers, “What the bloody hell have I gone and started now?”

 

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This is my kind of cat!  The perfect watch… um.. dog?

 

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Another golf joke for my dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior…sort of.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.” golf
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.

 

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Yes, I have a lot of cousins and yes, many of them are quite … um … goofy.  This is Hubert.  He is in the employ of DL&LL.  He is a member of the air borne early warning system.  He has a radio that goes to the head of the early warning system (not to me or anyone else of importance!) and he calls in what he sees.  If he stops talking the supervisor is supposed to listen for an explosion and a crash.  If he just hears the crash he knows that Hubert has hit the ground again on his own.  If there is a crash and then an explosion, that means that he landed on something explosive and he is to notify the insurance department.  Only if he hears an explosion and then a crash is he to send another dragon to investigate.  But even then, it’s usually a small aircraft that he’s hit, at which point, you guessed it, we contact the insurance department.  Sometimes it’s easier to just eat your relatives than it is to employ them.

 

Okay, so this one is another golf joke for dad…Papa Dragon Most Senior…sort of.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question…

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do..”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) 
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?”
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”
WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — Long silence —
HUSBAND: “Damn

 

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Star Wars or Star Trek?  Star Trek or Star Wars?  For some, it’s a big deal.  One or the other.  For others, both are good.  And for a few, they couldn’t care less.  Here’s a really nice comparison.  What do you think?
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Here are the next installments in this brand new section.  I hope you enjoy.
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8g

8h

8i

8j

 

A  cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You  have been a good cat all these years.  Anything  you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and  then said ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden  floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said,  ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. 

A  few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to  Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that  He made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of  our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could  just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run  again.’
God  answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful roller  skates.

About  a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep  on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is  everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The  cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my  life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have  been sending over are delicious!’

 

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An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked: “What would you be if you were not Scot?”

The Scotchman said: “Why, an Englishman, of course!”

Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: “And what would you be were you not an Irishman?”

Lethal Leprechaun thought a moment and said: “I’d be ashamed of myself!”

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Some of our kids at recess.

 

I know I shouldn’t do this.  I did it last week and I had rotten tomatoes and other over ripe fruit thrown at me, but I can’t help it.  And again, like last week, you guys should be blaming K2!

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

Who  thinks up these things!!!!!!!!!!!!

His  dizzy aunt ———————————————— Verti Gogh

The  brother who ate prunes——————————— Gotta Gogh

The  brother who worked at a convenience store ——Stop N Gogh

The  grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————– U Gogh

His  magician uncle ——————————–  Where-diddy Gogh

His  Mexican cousin —————————————-  A Mee Gogh

The  Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———— Gring Gogh

The  nephew who drove a stage coach —————– Wells-far Gogh

The  constipated uncle —————————————- Can’t Gogh

The  ballroom dancing aunt ———————————- Tang Gogh

The  bird lover uncle —————————————- Flamin Gogh

An  aunt who taught positive thinking —————— Way-to-Gogh

The  little bouncy nephew ————————————- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ————————————— Go Gogh

And  his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

 

This is just too cute for words.  I was looking for something else and clicked on this one as a whim.  Ten minutes of adorable kids and animals…well, one scary one with an aligator, but other than that, good fun.

 

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Okay, so it was bound to happen…another sorta golf joke for my dad.

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 
All of a sudden . .POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life… as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
THEN POOF!….she was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”
Dave yells back…… “DON’T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!”

 

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Everybody loves the animal pictures.
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If you look closely at the top of the stairs, someone, or something is pushing this poor cat to start the tumble.  I wonder if this is a ninja kitty test and one of the ninja kitty instructors is pushing this one down the stairs to start some sort of test.  Lethal might know the answer to this one.

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I’m sure there is a logical explanation for this, but I’m sure I can’t figure it out.

 

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An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

old couple

She said: “I want to keep my house.

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: “Put me down for Fridays.

 

 

 

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I used to be that friend.

 

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Here at DL&LL Enterprises, we take our community involvement very seriously.  We try to keep you, our beloved campers, as up to date on the important things as we can.  This newest warning has just come out:

E-Bay Users Beware!  Be very careful with E-Bay!  PLEASE BE AWARE AND TAKE NOTE OF E-BAY TRADERS NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED.

I’ve been scammed! 

I was trying to order a blow up doll as an April Fool’s joke for Lethal and this is what they sent me…

 

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Not at all what I expected nor what was advertised.

 

 

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Continuing on our journey of Holy Shit…

Holy S9

Holy S10

Holy S11

Holy S12

Holy S13

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to the lover “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.
The husband became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he demanded.
“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said “Those little bastards!”

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template

 

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1430

  1. Ginny says:

    Giggling at all of this issue and I’m still laughing at the videos of animals and kids. Another great one to keep us all amused and out of trouble…lol

    • impishdragon says:

      Ginny I’m very glad you enjoyed the issue. And Maggie, there will be applications available soon, but the first question is what type of mythical or magical creature are you?

  2. Maggie says:

    love this issue,, and I want to join D.R.A.G.O.N.,,,,, !!!!!

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