Dragon Laffs #1426


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The stage is quiet and the curtains are drawn as people settle into their seats.  There are only a few minutes left before the normal start time, although nothing has been normal around here lately.  Crazy is a relative term when used with anything that has to do with DL&LL, but lately a whole new level of insanity has been reached.  Impish has been mostly gone or in captivity from one group or another.  The A.S.S.H.A.T.s had him locked up in Gitmo for a while and he escaped with the help of…well, you know it’s supposed to be classified, but let’s just say that he was rescued by a mythical creature and some cats, as well as flying mammals.
Now, he’s in a center for addiction withdrawal for a horrible pie addiction that has caused no end of drama around here.
As you are pondering these events, the speakers around the room crackle and you can hear your favorite blue dragon saying:
…and a direct line in, press this button and …

The picture resolves into Impish, sitting in a room with plain concrete walls, a small metal desk with a laptop upon it and our hero sitting behind it, turned to his left, facing the camera.  A long cigar is hanging from his mouth and what can only be described generously as a brown bowler hat is perched atop his head, slightly cockeyed due to it’s being slightly larger than fits between his horns.
He pulls the stogie from between his lips and blows a cloud of pale blue smoke towards the camera.

Good Morning Campers!000

A lot has happened lately and I’ve got a lot of news to share with you.  I’m very sorry that I can’t be there with you in person, but I’m under house arrest …. um… I mean, self-imposed withdrawal from everyone and everything while I finish these reports for my dragon Queen.

You can hear what sounds like several large old locks being opened and then the sound of a huge dungeon door swinging on very rusty hinges.  Impish looks off camera and reaches for a thick stack of papers that are handed him.  A low, guttural, gravelly voice comes from out of view:

Here be the papers the Green One sent ya.  He be says to check ’em close like, since you’ll be havin’ ta be explainin’ dem to youse queen.  Oh, and he sent ya dis, too.

A VERY large mug of steaming coffee is passed to the dragon.

Thank you Terrance.   This is very kind of you and Lethal, but can you tell me…what’s with the weird accent?

Terrance continues, in a much smoother, more precise speech.

Oh, quite sir.  For the … audience…you know … the ones who are watching on the video.  We trolls do have a certain reputation to uphold.  People expect us to act and sound in a particular manner and it behooves us to reciprocate with their expectations.

Impish stares off camera for an additional second and then mumbles.

Uh huh…well…okay, then.  Carry on then Terrance, carry on.

Terrance replies, again using his Troll voice.

As you wishes, boss.

Shuffling of feet can be heard and the squeal of the door hinges lasts but a second, Impish turns his attention back to the camera, but is interrupted from off camera again.  Terrance in his Troll voice:

Oh, by the way, Impish … or um… boss.  I’ve gots some loverly blueberry biscuits that just be comin’ out of de oven.  Shall I… or … um… ya want sum?

Not right now Terrance, I’ve got all this work to finish, but you might hold me back a dozen or so.  For a little snack later, you understand.

As you wish, sir…or … boss.

As the door begins to close again, you can faintly hear Terrance say: Egads!  That was bloody awful!  The things I do for that fat lizard.

The door slams with a deep rumbling boom.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes, Queen Tiamat… she is going to expect my report by later this afternoon and I must be ready.

He leans toward the camera conspiratorially.

My dear friends and fellow campers.  I must tell you now, that if, for whatever reason, I am not here next week or otherwise <gulp!> detained, I want it to be known that YOU have made it all worthwhile.  These have been the best years of my life and I will remember it always…to my grave.

Now <sniff!>

Well, currently, I have got to finish these reports, so let  me show you a video that I made earlier that describes everything that has happened to me over the last week or so.  I want you to hear MY side of the Dr. Phil debacle.  Here’s a video from the hidden camera:

The screen fades out and you see:

The screen fades and opens on our blue dragon laying against the wall, throwing a tennis ball against the floor, bouncing it off the far wall and catching it again.  Then repeating this over and over again.  After several minutes of this mindlessness, the door below the camera opens and an unidentified man pokes his head in and says, “Mr. Dragon, there’s a doctor here to see you”

Another bloody doctor?  You can’t send me a damn baker in here?  A pastry chef?  Dessert girl pushing a cart?  No.  You send me ANOTHER doctor to poke and prod me and tell me that my addiction is all in my head.  And I keep telling EVERYBODY, it’s not in my head, it’s in my damn STOMACH!!!!

The attendant steps out and a bald man walks in, with a brief case.  He carefully places the briefcase across the room, with the edge facing towards Impish, while speaking, “Good evening, Mr. Dragon.  Impish.  Can I call you Impish?  Good, good, how are you Impish?”

Who are you?  You’re not one of the regular bone breakers in here.  What do you want?  To poke me with some of your instruments there in your brief case? 

Not at all, not at all.  You don’t recognize me?  Not at all?  Well, that’s discouraging, and well, this can be edited out.  Don’t worry about my briefcase, it just contains some of my notes.  That’s right notes.  How are you feeling?  That pie desire eating you up inside, is it?

Dr. Phil, whom you easily recognize on the video moves back over to the brief case and adjusts it slightly so it points more directly on end towards Impish.

Let me just ask you a few questions, shall I?  You seem to have a real problem here, yes sir.  A real problem.

I’ll say I have a problem, my problem is that I don’t like doctors and you don’t even look good enough to eat.  You look old and stringy.  Lethal says I have an addiction to pie.  I guess, well, I guess maybe I do.  I don’t mean to let it control me, but it just does.  Although after eating pie with drugs and being kidnapped by the government, I suppose I should be over it, in fact…

Yes, yes.  Lethal is that Green fellow, is that correct.  Tried to keep me out.  But, I have fans everywhere.  Yes I do.  You sure you don’t recognize me?  Maybe from TV?  Let’s talk about this hallucination of yours that you were kidnapped by government forces.  You do realize now that it was a hallucination now, right?  You know, I think the best …

Impish begins to pace.

It was NOT my imagination, why Lethal had to send (beep) and his (beep) along with Lethal’s (beep) to get me out!  Then I was taken to the (beep) where I…

Dr. Phil gets up, grabs the brief case and attempts to keep the edge pointed towards Impish as he paces back and forth.

My, my.  You certainly seem to have a vivid imagination.  I know.  I know.  Why don’t you sit down and hold still and we can sing a song together.

I don’t want to sing a damn song…

Now, sing with me.  Pie is bad.  Pie is bad.  The government men are all very good…

What the hell is wrong with you?  That’s it, baldy, old and stringy or not, you’re dragon food.

Impish lunges at Dr. Phil who tries to fend him off with his briefcase.  Just as he manages to get the doctor’s bald head in his mouth, the door bursts open and two attendants rush in.  They rush to the doctor’s aid, pushing Impish away.  Our blue dragon spits and hacks, looking like he’s going to throw up.

Oh my gawd.  You taste as bad as a movie star!

Then he spots the open door and quickly slips out while the attendants are helping Dr. Phil.

The scene switches to an outside view, where you see the blue dragon waddling down the street.  He looks behind him and sees the attendants pursuing him.  We watch as he looks around…

Ah, a sports car!  They’ll never catch me.

The scene switches again to the view from the camera mounted on the front of a vehicle, we watch as Impish Dragon, who barely fits in his “sports car” is suddenly surrounded by smoke from above and then shortly loses control and crashes into a fence.

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The last thing we see, is Impish being led away by the attendants.

The screen fades and we hear Impish’s voice over the darkened screen:

So you see, my friends.  None of this was my fault.  Now, I’ll leave you to get back to today’s issue…

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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good, they got along very well.
 
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
“Have you any grounds?”
“Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
 
“No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It made of  concrete.”
 
“I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
“No, we have carport, and not need one.”
 
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
 
“Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
 
“Does  your wife beat you up?”
“No, I always up before her.”
 
“Why do you want this divorce?”
“She going to kill  me.”
 
“What  makes you think that??”
“I got proof.”
 
“What  kind of proof?”
“She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at  drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
 
I can read English pretty good, and it say:

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Links and Sites

Here’s a cool one, worth clicking on.  Thanks to Ginny for sending this one in.

What This former Marine Does. Unreal!!!   This young man is fantastic, watch closely, sound on/full screen.
 
Las Vegas could be in his future.  Watch Closely What He Does
 
The Hands are Truly Quicker than the Eyes !
 
I know you will enjoy it .
 

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This one is so great!  Funny as can be!

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Thanks to Paul for this one.  It’s well worth reading and heeding:

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?

He was aghast to discover that it was a mousetrap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, “There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house.”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mouse trap in the house.”

“I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, “Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?”

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

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Breaking News

Late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter……….2/11/2015
Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City.   The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell “Jesus Christ!” at the same time. 
 
More information will be reported as this story is followed.

 

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Another one of our teachers.  What does she teach?  You’re not going to believe it… Algebra.  She has a PhD in molecular physics, but loves teaching kids math.  Who knew.

 

 

Rules of a new Golf Club:-

1. Ladies are prohibited from touching gentlemen’s balls, either with hands or clubs.

2. All holes must be kept clean.

3. Gentlemen making a hole-in-one, must change lady partners in the second round.golfer2

4. Ladies are requested to remain quiet while gentlemen are taking short strokes.

5. Partners are requested to tee off together at each tee.

6. When the lady partner goes off first, the gentleman must not delay the stroke but continue to play.

7. In cases where the lay is impossible, ladies have the privilege of choosing a new position.

8. When the gentleman finds this impossible, he may choose a new lay starting at least a ball’s length from the hole.

9. Players are requested to refrain from playing any holes under repair or with red flag in white background.

10. While the management strives to improve the course in every way, they cannot be held responsible for the loss or damage of balls in the brush or around the holes.

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.
Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.
“Olympic condoms?” she asks him. “What makes them Olympic, exactly?”
“Well,” answers her husband, “They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks with a smile.
“Gold, of course!” proclaims her husband proudly.
“Really,” ponders the wife, “Why don’t you wear Silver?”
“Why silver?” asks the husband.
Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

 

Ginny sends this next one with her apology; in fact, her exact words are: “Sorry for this Post.”
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Okay, I understand exactly what she means….and quite frankly, I’m really sorry for the post as well.

 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
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He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
“What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
“Please knock on this door.”
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
“Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

Those clever nuns.

 

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And speaking of the bitch Pelosi, I just read this today, from Jim Treacher, Blogger on the dailycaller.com :

Nancy Pelosi: Congress Is Living Paycheck To Paycheck

So you think you’ve got it bad? Try being in Congress. Those poor bastards are practically homeless.

You may not know, or care, that the deadline for continued funding of the Department of Homeland Security is tomorrow. But if something isn’t done immediately, if those miserable Republicans don’t stop being evil, small children and wheelchair-bound grandmothers at airports will be forced to humiliate themselves.

Nancy Pelosi to the rescue:

Hell, Pelosi is so down on her luck these days, she had to burn the Constitution just to keep warm. Also, because she hates it.

Wait… Didn’t Obama just get done saying we shouldn’t enforce our borders? America is all about immigration, after all, whether it’s legal or not. He’s telling ICE not to do their jobs, and Pelosi is trying to shame us into paying them anyway.

Guess that’s because they’re so much smarter than us! Never mind.

Not being able to live without our paycheck?  It wasn’t that long ago that you furloughed my ass and asked … no TOLD me to do just that.  And you want us to feel sorry for congress?  Who make at least double what the average American makes?  NONE of this would even be happening if your boss, didn’t decide to change the laws, disobey the constitution and make his own rules!

Kiss my ass you stupid witch!

 

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Classes for Men Now Available

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual

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As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

The blonde lady sitting next to me exclaimed: “Wow, look! It just missed the highway!”

 

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As you finish up the issue and begin to gather your things and stand up, the screen lights up one more time and you see Impish back again behind the laptop.  Now, he’s gathering his papers together and putting them in a briefcase.

Hi campers.  Just a couple more things to round out today’s issue.  I’m now on my way to see Queen Tiamat.  For those of you who don’t know, she is the ruling queen of dragonkind and has been so for as long as any of us can remember.  Dragons live a VERY long time. 

I must report to her about my ability to continue to act as the Draconian Ambassador to human and mythical kind.  Seems she is concerned about the latest fiasco with me being kidnapped and held hostage at … well … an undisclosed location, where the government A.S.S.H.A.T.s tried to get information out of me about a certain mythical personage and this persons logistical superiority.  Anyway, I certainly don’t expect to come out of this smelling like a rose, but I do hope to come out of it in one piece.  Maintaining my ambassadorship would be a huge plus and what I am truly hoping for. 

I  would expect that you might hear something on Wednesday from Lethal’s post, if not sooner.

But, on another note.  There has been real world tragedy in my family.  Last weekend, my brother-in-law was on his way to work in the snow when his truck broke down.  Since he was only about a quarter mile from home, he decided to walk home to get help.

While he was walking on the side of the road, he was struck by a car and ended up in ICU at the local hospital.  Sadly, we don’t know too many of the actual details of the accident because the last thing he remembers was walking away from his truck and then waking up in the hospital.

He has 7 broken ribs, broken bones in his back and neck (not threatening his spinal cord, thank God), a punctured lung and bleeding and swelling on his brain.  As of this writing he is out of danger, but will suffer many months of recovery.  He will also have to hire a lawyer to recover any recompense from the accident as the local sheriff’s department is being less than helpful. 

For help with lost wages, medical bills, legal fees, etc., His niece has set up a fund site for donations.  I’m not asking any of you to give anything, I know it’s tight for everybody and it seems like every time we turn around there’s another worthy cause we can give to, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t at least put it out there for any of you who might have a dollar or so to put towards it.  You know as well as I that every little bit helps.

Here’s the link for any of you who might be interested: http://www.gofundme.com/mxe7ko 

And with that, I’m off to face the Queen.

Cheers my friends,

Until we meet again.

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7 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1426

  1. paul says:

    Nice “Post” Ginny – next time – leave out the post 🙂

  2. justin says:

    I hope your brother-in-law recovers fast and whoever struck him is caught.

  3. Ginny says:

    Great issue! So sorry to hear about your brother-in-law….7 broken ribs in addition to his other injuries. My Hubby had six broken ribs and it was pure hell. I sent a donation to help his cause and to let him know people care. Hope all your DL readers join in…..it could happen to us!

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