Leprechaun Laughs # 287 for Feb 25th 2015


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As you arrive things seem pretty normal, which is abnormal in itself around here of late. Despite the blustery frigidness of the outside its warm and inviting in here. True to his word the non patrons section has hot water for instant coffee, hot chocolate or oatmeal  to warm you. The patrons mean while;e appear to be enjoying a repast of hot backed good, coffee and what appear to be pre-warmed fleece lap blankets are being offered. It seems that every Patron who accepts a pre-warmed fleece also gets a complimentary Ninja lap cat, several who expertly burrow under the blankets after claiming their just due in petting and praise

The only thing appearing out of place you see is Diaman who appears to be attempting to warm her back side near a stove while staring longingly at the blankets.

Not only is she on stage at the podium with Lethal, she is dressed in a very tight white raw silk t-shirt that pretty much informs you that is all she is wearing on top. It is tucked into the top of a wide black belted mini skirt length kilt short enough that the fact she is wearing a g-string with it is frequently evident from the rear. Thigh high white nylons with lace tops and some black 3” square heeled Mary Janes complete the outfit.

 

In the patrons section Ginny seems to be slightly jealous and Paul Bader seems to be constantly tripping over his tongue much to Ginny’s annoyance. This to say nothing of the maintenance guy with the bucket and mop chasing him around to wipe up the drool.

Once your seated Lethal dives right in

OK folks set yer gobs ta simmer now will ya kindly?

As you know there was an…incident Saturday with Impish and a psychologist (the aftermath of which we’ll get into in great detail in a bit) which resulted in an enraged Impish exploding,  attempting to eat said psychologist, and temporarily making good on an escape attempt. We are now prepared to identify the trespassing/interloping psychologist as Dr. Phil.

Exactly how this bleeding heart liberal managed to gain access to the mountain much less the secure area where Impish is being held is still under investigation. Several individuals of interest are being put to the question that is questioned, but we have no clear answers as yet.

Impish managed to escape briefly only to be thwarted in fleeing the area aerially by a squadron of Knock Out & Paralysis gas spewing fighter jets.

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Being denied an escape route via air ,Impish was forced to waddle away flee slowly on foot, now slightly drowsy and uncoordinated due a whiff of the gasses from the jets, until he managed to find transportation he could hijack by over powering its occupant.

This resulted in a slow speed chase which caused some to flash back to visions of a White Ford Bronco. Unfortunately for Impish his flight from rehab was cut short a brief time later when  a Mall Cop on a Segway who had joined the low speed chase executed a bump maneuver by kicking the rear end of Impish’s escape vehicle several times causing him to crash his stolen transportation:

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Thankfully no one was injured and the damage to the vehicle has been made good via its replacement with a battery operated electric Hummer.

Impish was back in his cell in just under 2 hours from his initial attack on Dr. Phil whom I am informed by the Bideawee Sanitarium, is making excellent progress in the recovery of both his composure as well as control of his bowels. Once they complete a course of  liquefied liberal bullshit infusion via IV and re-inflate his ego with hot air he should be good to go.

At this point it was quite obvious to me that the intervention was not going as well or as swiftly as planned. I had neglected to factor into the plan that not only are Dragons thick headedly stubborn by nature, but being exceptionally long lived tend towards taking a long view of situations often winning out over an adversary simply by biding their time and waiting for an opportune moment as clearly demonstrated by his escape.

After some personal reflection upon the issue,  review of our partnership documents, corporate financial statements and discussions with the Ninja Cats about removal and disposal of large bodies, I decided that the only way this was going to works was if Impish was well and truth motivated. I needed to place a figurative gun to his head and make him chose between keeping his brains between his ears or his pies. This meant playing serious hardball on a level I was loathe to resort to, but felt I had no choice remaining other than to use, if I wanted to help Impish recover and return to a normal (a relative term in regards to him to be sure) life.

To that end, I sent off a message and received the exact reply I had expected, abet with far less of a time table than I had planned for.  I immediately went to see Impish in his confinement, something I had not done since his attempt to flame broil me and turn my bodily organs into a Dragon savory pie filling more than a week ago.

The following is a transcription of that conversation. My side of it is in green and Impish appears in his normal blue font

Lethal: Dude seriously? You were stupid enough to listen to Dr Phil? Not being able to stomach him I can understand I mean he’s like concentrated condensed mamby-pamby touchy feelie liberal bullshit. I don’t think anything can survive by eating that except maybe other liberals

Impish: Moan!  What?

Hose drawing from bottom of snow run off pond now frozen over hits Impish @ 200 psi for 30 sec from hatch in door

Lethal: Don’t give me that delirium bullshit or the next hose you see will be connected to a concrete pump truck I swear ta bloody St Patrick! I’m mentally tougher and meaner than the guy in Poe’s tale of the Still Beating Heart.

Impish: Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhh WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????!!!!!!

Lethal: You .

Tried.

To.

Eat.

Doctor.

Phil.

Some moron let him in to help you because fuck for brains thought he could make TV mileage out of secretly filming it.

Made you compose and sing some fucked up pie song…badly too.

Impish: What? When?  How?

> MORE HOSE<

Impish: Aaaaaaaaggggghhhh Damn that’s cold! That asshole was Dr.  Phil?

Lethal: Don’t give me that reality break shit! You were with it enough to try and parley it into an escape! Yes that asshole was Dr. Phil in the balding flab- who else would think song singing about your problem would actually fix you? Sure as hell would have made for some seriously Hasselhoff melt down like TV footage though!

Impish: Dude. I’m telling you, as your friend,

#1 I had no idea that little monkey was Dr. Phil and

#2 if you hose me down again I’ll be looking for Leprechaun pie next.

Lethal: Addicts have NO friends. As for the hosing, you needed both a shower & wake up call because shit just got sodden well serious. I couldn’t delay any longer- I had to file report w/ Draconian Court over abduction this morning.

Impish: If that’s what you think why are you helping me?

Lethal: Oh we WERE friends right up until you fell through the flaky crust into pie filled addiction. We might well be again if you’d unscrew your skull from your sphincter and get clean. 

As I was saying, as a result of my report to the Draconian Court, you’re being called home for consultation and a physical/metal fitness assessment. Queen T wants to make sure you’re still trustworthy enough for  government secrets. She (and I) need to be sure that you haven’t gone GITMO GONZO for Obama and the Liberals. How do you think an Ambassador w/ an easily accessed pressure point of addiction going to fly w/ Queen T much less around here as a walking talking security breach?

Impish: Oh geez!

(Puts head in hands and mumbles from under arms)

Impish: Can you hit me again with that hose?

Lethal: With bleeding pleasure!

>45 seconds of glacially cold water< There is a sliding sound  and when water stops 5 gal coffee thermos and 25# ham, cheese & egg sandwich are waiting.

Lethal: You ask for pie next and so help me that concrete hose is just 30 feet away. I’ll have a brass plaque in the shape of a pie with your name and the epitaph “He chose pie over living” stuck on the sealed tomb.

Impish: Nope. No pie. Thanks for the coffee and sandwiches.

Lethal: You have to present yourself with a complete report not later than 10 days hence.

Impish: Ten days huh?  Ok. I’ll need a lot more coffee.

Lethal: The report is to include a detailed accounting of the manner of your abduction. I have, as Leprechaunian Ambassador, flatly refused to reveal details of how you were rescued citing security concerns by our protection detail.

Impish: Makes sense.

Lethal: Unless that is you’d LIKE it known SANTA and a bunch of PUSSIES pulled your fat ass out of the fire. Personally my money is on you being sedated and in whatever passes in Draconia for a straight jacket by the time you mention the candy cane pattern enhancers for teleportation and flying reindeer with gun pods on their bellies. Also the reason[s] US government agreed to back off are by legal agreement  between all concerned parties confidential , so you can’t mention the whole ultimatum delivery deal.

So you can see how much focus the abduction will get. I’d spend some time on the shell game we played hiding you in plain sight too, since I’m sure word of that became common knowledge back home the second your stand ins returned.

Impish: I understand. Brb  (goes to corner and retches in a barrel)

Lethal: Coffee will be available upon request as will food. NO PIE or baked goods for now. As long as you are calm behaved and rational none of it will be drugged.

Impish: Understood. Can you get me a computer or word processor in here?

Lethal: You going to smash another laptop against the wall when you get refused pie if you get one to start spinning your fantasy?

Impish: No. I gotta work out the details of my abduction that will cover our ass and satisfy Queen T

Lethal: OUR asses? What’s this WE bullshit you Limey bastard? YOU let FEDs from A.S.S. in here. YOU ate untested pies.

Impish: You don’t want the ninja cats or SANTA involved so yes, our.

Lethal: Hey I already told her that section was redacted to the point of omission. Personally IDC if it gets out as its YOUR reputation & dignity, what little of it that exists, that’s on the line. Of course now I can’t speak for the cats or Santa, they might have a complaint about their reputations being dragged down by association with yours. That undoubtedly would result in a visit from Brutus so I would say it is YOU that doesn’t want their involvement publicized from where I sit.

Impish: Ok. I get it. I’m on my own

Lethal:What?! You think your addiction caused problems with your people should be MY problem, or Santa’s or the Ninja cats ?! SERIOUSLY?! WHERE’S THAT DAMNED HOSE! He’s still delirious!

Impish: Did I say that?

Lethal: Sounded like that’s what your whine meant, you expected me to voluntarily jump in the pool full of gators with you, to help shoulder responsibility for your personal choices. OH HELLS NO! I try helping you with an intervention and I almost got flamed and threatened twice now (and there better not bloody well be a third time) with being made pie filling! Friendship and intervention help does have its bloody limits!

Impish: Not at all. I got this.

Lethal: Too bloody right you do! Now…shall I send for pies?

Impish: No. More coffee- and some hot sausage sandwiches please?

Lethal: Ok I’ll get right on that, with you not eating half the kitchen staff has been screwing off anyhow. Mean time a Laptop should be here in about 5 minutes…sans Internet access- can’t have you distracted trying to order pies.

Impish: Agreed. It’s still… Difficult

Lethal: Oh almost forgot- she wants your personal income tax filing for the year as well as all the financials for ambassadorship for audit

Impish:  (groaning) Of course she does.

Lethal: Actually those were asked for in her name by The Exquencher of the Holy Hoard

Impish: Hmm. Your my lawyer, isn’t there a loophole there someplace?  Like I only answer to her?

Lethal: His review of the accounts vs. your answers and she judges. If you’re feeling particularly lucky you could wing it, but I’d say you’ve got better odds of getting the Beatles back together given they way your luck has been running recently. Need I mention the Play Offs and Super Bowl by way of illustration?

Impish: (sighing and shuddering) I see. No please don’t I’d like to forget that.

Lethal: Are The ambassadorial books and your personal taxes in need of my creative accounting expertise? I will assist w/ those PROVIDED the irregularity issues are not addiction related

Impish: That would be great. Thank you.

Lethal: Happy to be of billable service. I’ll get your food request to the kitchen immediately and get started right away on those financials. Mean time I’ll have Terrance set up a temporary office out here in the hall so he can assist you. Undoubtedly you’ll want to dictate more of your memoirs?

Impish: Uhh…yeah that would be great. Thank you.

Further developments will no doubt forth coming from one or the other of us as the occur. For now… [you hear Lethal murmur something to Diaman about Wednesdays being poultry day and suddenly she jumps forward slightly, squeals, then blushes as she swats indignantly at a chuckling Lethal and mouths ‘I said later for that- not here! then moves towards the podium]…my guest helper will intone the sacred words of remembrance to get this issue rolling, and IF she knows what will be good for her later on they won’t be “Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!”

Diaman takes a deep breath made all that much more impressive by the clinginess of the tight  t-shirt and says-

Opening Logo 8

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Today's Forecast6

 

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I hear there are more than a few of these in Connecticut and New Jersey too

Here- these should help Diaman!

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I feel ya dude! I usually have to put my phone down and pinky type to avoid typos in serious text messages or use the dictate function. I even went as far as buying a roll up Bluetooth keyboard for my tablet.

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OUCH! Sorry Impish! Who knew Diaman could drive a bus?

 

Thanks for the video and this next feature too goes to my special guest helper Diaman (now sporting an ankle length fur coat with the fur turned inside and a naughty smile of pleasure)

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don’t forward it,
You may be a Muslim.

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.  Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

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stickers-fucking-consumers

Put a stop to pesky robocalls

Author: Amy Davis, KPRC Investigative Reporter/Consumer Expert

HOUSTON – Federal laws ban companies from using autodialers to call your cellphone, they’re called robocalls, but scammers still do it.

Consumers Union, an arm of Consumer Reports, wants phone companies to give people free tools to block those annoying calls.

They said technology already exists to identify telemarketers as they’re calling you. You could then see on the display that it is an unsolicited call, and you could choose to block or ignore it. Phone companies in other countries have similar practices for their customers but companies in the U.S. say they can’t.

[What they really mean is they won’t because it will cost them money to deploy and money again in the robocalls they lose out on as a result of deploying the tech as well as charging you for the wasted cell minutes!]

If you like the idea, you can sign this online petition.

https://consumersunion.org/end-robocalls/

There are currently more than 93,000 signatures. Consumers Union will send the petition to the FCC to try and get it to make phone companies put an end to robocalls on your cellphone.

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Dang! Not only can Diaman drive a bus but she can back one up pretty good too!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat 
and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman 
sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started 
talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, 
but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. 
It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned 
over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone 
and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

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cooking

Pantry-Raid Recipes

No you dirty minded sex fiends! Not PANTYPANTRYas in the place you store your staple food stuffs! Sheesh!

No time to run to the store? These flavor-packed dishes are made using only nonperishable pantry ingredients.

Applesauce Waffles

imageThese Belgian-style waffles are crispy on the outside, but the applesauce keeps them moist and almost muffin-like on the inside. Even better, you can make them when you are out of milk and eggs.

Total Time: 25 min
Prep: 5 min
Inactive: 5 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 8 waffles
Level: Easy

Ingredients

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 1/2 cups evaporated milk
1/2 cup applesauce
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla
Powdered sugar, ground cinnamon and maple syrup, for serving

Directions

Special equipment: a Belgian waffle iron
Preheat the waffle iron. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees F if you plan on holding the cooked waffles in the oven. Whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt together in a medium bowl.
Whisk the evaporated milk, applesauce, brown sugar, oil, vanilla and 3/4 cup water in a large bowl.
Fold the dry ingredients into the wet, and stir until combined. (Don’t mix too much-some lumps are OK-just make sure the flour is coated.) Allow the batter to rest at room temperature for 5 minutes before baking.
Ladle enough batter into the waffle iron to fill it to the edges, and cook until crispy and brown, 6 to 7 minutes. (You can tell the waffles are ready when very little steam comes out of the waffle iron.) Continue in batches until all the batter is used. Keep the cooked waffles warm in the oven or covered with foil on a plate while you make the remaining waffles. Sprinkle with powdered sugar and cinnamon, and serve with maple syrup.

You know the whole chicken on a waffle deal? I’m considering trying these waffles with pork on top!

I’m going to give Ginny’s knees a break and not even talk about the desert possibilities of these waffles.

Quick and Easy Minestrone

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Soy sauce is great for more than just Asian-inspired dishes. In this hearty pantry-based soup it adds instant depth and the savory flavor called umami, which is associated with foods like Parmesan cheese and mushrooms.

Total Time: 25 min
Prep: 5 min | Cook: 20 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil, plus more for serving
One 8-ounce can corn kernels, strained
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, chopped
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
1 quart chicken broth
One 14-ounce can diced tomatoes
3/4 cup small-cut pasta, like small shells
One 14-ounce can white beans, strained, reserving half the liquid
1 teaspoon soy sauce
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
One 14-ounce can cut green beans, strained

Directions

Heat the oil in a medium soup pot over medium-high heat. Add the corn and cook until it starts to brown slightly, about 3 minutes. Add the tomato paste, rosemary and oregano and cook, stirring constantly, until the tomato paste begins to darken in color, about 1 minute. Slowly whisk in the chicken broth until the paste is smooth and then incorporated into the liquid. Add the whole can of diced tomatoes (including the liquid), and bring the mixture to a boil. Stir in the pasta, the white beans and reserved liquid and the soy sauce. Season with salt and pepper. Cook the pasta until al dente, 7 to 8 minutes, stirring in the green beans during the last 2 minutes. Serve in individual bowls with a little oil drizzled on top.

Don’t forget a little fresh grated Parmesan cheese and a hot garlic buttered bread stick!

 

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S’mores Bark

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We’ve combined all the elements of a s’more into this delicious bark. It’s got crunch from the graham crackers, richness from the chocolate and fire-roasted flavor from broiling the marshmallows-easier than toasting them over a campfire (though admittedly not as much fun)

Total Time: 1 hr. 20 min
Prep: 5 min  | Inactive: 1 hr. 10 min | Cook: 5 min
Yield: about 1 pound of bark
Level: Easy

 

Ingredients

2 cups mini marshmallows
1 pound dark chocolate bars, chopped
6 graham crackers, broken roughly into 1/2-inch pieces

Directions

Line a baking sheet with parchment. Heat the chocolate in a medium microwave-safe bowl in the microwave at 75 percent power until soft, about 2 minutes. Stir the chocolate and microwave again until melted, up to 2 minutes more. (Alternatively, put the chocolate in a heatproof bowl. Bring a saucepan filled with an inch or so of water to a very slow simmer; set the bowl over, but not touching, the water, and stir occasionally until melted and smooth.)
Position the oven rack 3 inches below the heating element of the broiler and preheat the oven to broil. Place the marshmallows on a rimmed baking sheet so they are not overlapping, and broil until the tops just begin to toast, about 10 seconds, turning the pan for even browning. (Alternatively, you can use a kitchen torch to char the marshmallows.) Allow to cool at room temperature for 10 minutes.
Fold half the marshmallows and graham crackers into the chocolate, and stir to coat. (Some of the marshmallows may melt, but that’s OK.) Pour the chocolate onto the prepared baking sheet, and spread evenly with an offset spatula into an 8 1/2-by-11 inch rectangle. Poke the rest of the marshmallows and the graham cracker pieces into the chocolate in a random yet attractive pattern. (This part may be messy, but stretching the marshmallows into the bark will look cool.) Lightly press down the toppings. Allow the bark to set in the refrigerator for 1 hour. Break into pieces to serve.

[warning] Propane gas torches are highly flammable and should be kept away from heat, open flame, and prolonged exposure to sunlight. They should only be used in well-ventilated areas. When lighting a propane gas torch, place the torch on a flat, steady surface, facing away from you. Light the match or lighter and then open the gas valve. Light the gas jet, and blow out the match. Always turn off the burner valve to “finger tight” when finished using the torch. Children [and Dragons] should never use a propane gas torch without adult supervision.

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Ok I can help with that! Here is a tip for painless weight loss!

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Limerick Laughs

There was a young lady named Constance
From boys she wouldn’t stand any nonsense.
If her partners grew deft She would lead with her left;
The results wouldn’t weigh on her conscience.

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time. When asked,
Why a third?
He replied, One’s absurd! And bigamy, Sir, is a crime.

My sweetheart and I just wed.
Already I wish I were dead.
Two weeks she’s been spending.
It was time never ending.
We are thousands of pounds in the red.

Said the vicar to old Bishop Price,
My wife’s just had twins, ain’t that nice?
But the Bishop said, Father, in the future I’d rather, you abstained, or were not naughty twice.

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Speaking of Diaman, here is a guest mini rant courtesy of her. Let me help you up on that soapbox Diaman WHOOPS! Excuse where those fingers accidentally wound up!

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it  on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of  a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table … everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ….. quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see……

Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor; Your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ”ours” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the shit!

Well that was so good I think we should let her continue! Besides, Impish gives Ginny a lot of ‘air time’ so its only fair. Encore! Encore!

Rattlesnake Logic in dealing with terrorists

After the Boston bombing the news media spent days and weeks trying to determine why these men did what they did.  They want to know what America did to make these brothers so angry with us.  They want to know why these men were not arrested before they did something so terrible.  The media is in a tizzy about this new era of homegrown radicals and about why and how they can live among us and still hate us.

A Texan explained it:
Here in west Texas, I have rattlesnakes on my place, living among us.  I have killed a rattlesnake on the front porch.  I have killed a rattlesnake on the back porch.  I have killed rattlesnakes in the barn, in the shop and on the driveway.  In fact, I kill every
rattlesnake I encounter.

I kill rattlesnakes because I know a rattlesnake will bite me and inject me with poison.  I don’t stop to wonder WHY a rattlesnake will bite me; I know it WILL bite me because it’s a rattlesnake and that’s what rattlesnakes do.  I don’t try to reason with a rattlesnake or have a “meaningful dialogue” with it.  I just kill it.  I don’t try to get to know the rattlesnake better so I can find a way to live with the rattlesnakes and convince them not to bite me.  I just kill them.

I don’t quiz a rattlesnake to see if I can find out where the other snakes are, because

(a) it won’t tell me and

(b) I already know they live on my place.  So, I just kill the rattlesnake and move on to the next one.

I don’t look for ways I might be able to change the rattlesnake to a non-poisonous rat snake… I just kill it.  Oh, and on occasion, I accidentally kill a rat snake because I thought it was a rattlesnake at the time.  Also, I know for every rattlesnake I kill, two more are
lurking out there in the brush.  In my lifetime I will never be able to rid my place of rattlesnakes.

Do I fear them?  Not really.  Do I respect what they can do to me and my family?  Yes!  And because of that respect, I give them the fair justice they deserve… I kill them.  As a country, we should start giving more thought to the fact that these jihadists’ are telling the
world their goal is to kill Americans and destroy our way of life. They have posted graphic videos on the internet showing them beheading Americans.  They are serious.  They are exactly like rattlesnakes.  It is high time for us to start acting accordingly!

I love this country.  It’s the damn government I’m afraid of!  Why?  Look who’s new in the White House!

· Arif Alikhan, Assistant Secretary for Policy Development for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

· Mohammed Elibiary, Homeland Security Adviser

· Rashad Hussain, Special Envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference (OIC)

· Imam Mohamed Magid, Obama’s Sharia Czar from the Islamic Society of North America

· Eboo Patel, Advisory Council on Faith-Based Neighborhood Partnerships

This is flat-out scary!  The foxes are now officially living in the hen house…  Now ask me why I am very concerned! Do you feel OK with this?  How can this happen? – and when will we wake up?

We are quiet while our country is being drastically changed!

IF YOU ARE NOT CONCERNED, JUST DELETE THIS AND CONTINUE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD STUCK IN (YOUR)  A HOLE.

Otherwise, pass it on – please!

Here let me help you down off the soapbox Diaman. Whoops! Sorry again about the hand! Is that a thong or a G-string you’re wearing?

I’m just going to borrow my soapbox for a few follow on thoughts if you don’t mind.

As long as we insist on maintaining the “moral high ground”, we will NEVER win the war on terrorism!  We’re in a conflict which we absolutely INSIST in playing by the rules – against a maniacal group who have NO rules!

Richard Grenier in a column in the Washington Times newspaper written in 1993 said: “As George Orwell pointed out, people sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.”

As formerly (and proudly) one of rough men, I can tell you the reason you are not sleeping peacefully in your beds at night is because the liberals and Islamophiles in our Government are tying our hands by refusing with their indignant moral outrage to allow us to take the War on Terrorism to our enemies on and in terms they can readily comprehend. In other words by inoculating them with a dose of their own medicine. Nothing hurts a cause greater or demoralizes its supporters more than to be hoisted on their own petard and losing to someone playing their game by their rules.

These people have made a careful study of your beliefs, political-social values, global economic priorities and our marked preference for appeasing rather than using the big stick lest the last remaining superpower be labeled a bully. They use all of this and our instinctive need to be the worlds policeman and sanctuary for any and everyone seeking something they cannot find in their country against us.

Respect is mutual, a two way street. They do not respect us our values or our beliefs but require that we be accommodating and overly respectful of theirs. This not only includes the fundamentalist terrorists of Al Quida and ISIS but every Arab Nation and Arab who by insisting we kiss their Islamic way of life asses in their presence are defacto accomplices in aiding and abetting the terrorist.

If Islam was truly ‘the religion of peace’ then no fundamentalist Muslim would stand for the actions of the terrorists by refusing to grant them aid, resources or sanctuary of any sort. Yet they do because it is profitable for them. We pour money down a dry well in an attempt to get these people and countries to aid us in the war on Islamic Terrorism.

Show me anybody getting free money despite not doing what they are supposed to with/for it that wants the money to dry up! It’s time we turned off the money tap and let the incentive to do the right thing be the ability to sleep peacefully at night and not having to worry about a sky full of America the last  Superpower’s Rough Men bombing you permanently back into the century your beloved religion is mired in!

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Well that  goes a long way to explaining the success of Liberal’s Bullshit and logic now don’t it?

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Oh shit! OK that’s officially bad!

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275,000 Dominoes – Enjoy Your Life (Guinness World Record – Most dominoes toppled in a spiral)

 

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Would you believe this about our favorite beverage of summer? 

Shocking! This is alarming & scary stuff!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:- 

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense. 
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

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Talkingtech-Logo

The doorbell is going digital and it’s getting smarter.

The Wall Street Journal’s tech writer recently gave these gadgets a thumbs up.

The Ring and the Skybell video doorbells let you see and hear who is at your door. When someone rings the bell, the devices send an alert to your cellphone and show you real-time video of the person at your door.

You can also talk to the visitor through your phone, as in “I’ll be right there” or “We don’t want any”.

Both devices run about $200 and The Wall Street Journal says installation is fairly easy.

More info on these products:  http://www.skybell.com/  or  http://ring.com/

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When we last left our zero err hero(?) he had become frustrated with his in ability to concentrate on counting his hoard of gold and decided to express his frustration by taking them out on the only person giving him good advice, his friend cat. We rejoin him after an uneventful night.

Tasted cat again this morning. Same result as last two time. Couldn’t ated something that tastes like friend. Off to find Baron now. Cat says they’re like knights, but with more marbling. Have high hopes.

Found Baron hiding in castle smokehouse and ated him. Now know Cat was right, Baron good. Also now know bacon better! Bacon!

Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Cat said: Bacon, baron, tomayto, tomahto. I replied: Screw the tomatoes and the lettuce! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

Stoking up my tummy with shiny black rocks and mesquite chips for experiment in smoking fresh caught barons. Hard not to ated them now!

Minuses: Owe cat apology-fishes for near perforation. Ambushed by sheriff and troop of archers today. Pluses: Tasty tasty archers.

Saw horse with horn on face, tried to ated it. Now covered in sticky rainbow and cat laughing at me. Stupid cat. Stupid pointy-face horse.

Saw pointy-face horse again. Cat suggested hunt to learn habit first, ated later. Followed to beauty shop. Took next chair. Now have pink claws, argh! Pink. Claws. !?! Stupid beauty shop. Stupid pointy face horse. Stupid cat.

Had to burn nail-polish off with fire-breath. Ignoring pointy-face horse in future, no matter how very very tasty it looks. Really!

Coldwetmiserable out. Wanted to sleep in but too hungry. Tasted cat again. Still tastes like friend. Also just not enough there to bother ateding. Agreed to go get fishes. Wet anyway plus felt guilty.

Saw pointy-face horse again. Still looked delicious, but I promised cat. Found knight instead. Ated him, but only for horse. Do I have a problem?

Bumped into pointy-face horse while casually lurking in forest near beauty shop. Did not ated for cat’s sake. Also, pointy-face horse is fast!

Couldn’t figure out why I can’t stop thinking about ateding pointy-face horse till cat said unicorn sparkly. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Then cat sighed.

Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! Want sparkly! Sparkly gold! Sparkly gems! Sparkly jewelry! Less sure about sparkly pointy-face.

Was going to hunt sparklys but rolled on back to scratch wings and cat curled up on chest and started purring. Can’t move now. Cat sleeping. Shhh.

Ated merchant and took his sparklys. Ated his horses too. All white like pointy-face. Pretty things. If only they had horns…

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and thanks to my magically delicious & fantastically horizontally naughty special guest contributor Diaman!

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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