Dragon Laffs #1425

Up on stage, at the appropriate time, the lights dim and the video screen lights up. As the sound comes up, you can hear an unusual sound that you can’t place.

Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!

As the screen lightens up, you see your friendly blue dragon pal, sitting on the floor of a concrete room, throwing a base ball against the wall, bouncing it against the floor first and catching it in a base ball glove.

Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!
Thump – Thump – Foomp!

As the base ball thumps against the wall, the dragon starts to sing in a very low voice,

“Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen,
Nobody knows, but my pies.
Nobody knows, the hunger I’ve seen,
And apple is still my favorite.”

He sits in the dark and grimy room, throwing the ball and singing his sad song….as the lights go down on the video, the sound of the thumping fades away.

You sit in the darkened room, wondering what it all means, wondering if Impish will ever really be back to you or whether this horrible addiction will be the end of him and the end of….

While the screen remains dark, voices can still be heard coming from the speakers:

Okay, cut! Are we off air? Good, good. How was that? Are you happy? I really don’t understand why you think this was a good idea for my recovery process, but I did as you asked. Are you going to give me my pie now? What??? NO?????

The sounds of crashing and breaking come clearly through the speakers along with human screams and people running.

YOU PROMISED ME PIE!!! NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!!!

With one final Crash the speakers go silent…and you are left to wonder what’s going on and what to do next…

So you decide to read the rest of the issue.

Let’s Laugh

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. 
They had not been using birth control for the entire time they

had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she s little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.” The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.”

MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .’My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – –

and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,

San Francisco

2… At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’. . . I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,

Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

‘Which one?’. .. . I asked.

‘The patch.’

‘The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,

Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’

After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,

Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’

‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.

I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,

Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, Which said, ‘Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.’

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ..

‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . …

‘ No doctor but the song you were whistling was,

‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .’

Dr. Wouldn’t submit his name….

1 MORE

Baby’s First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,

But I’m glad I came.

A Boy’s First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me….

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen.”

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word.”

Remember, Target Identification is So Important!

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters”. The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred Isis ‘S.O.B.’s'”. Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters.” The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ….. then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. He is really a Navy Seal!

Have you noticed the glaring contrast in leadership-styles between President Obama and Jordan’s King Abdullah in the wake of the burning alive of one of Jordan’s citizens?

King of Jordan: Gets word of the barbarous murder, cancels everything and heads home to Jordan. Orders two terrorist prisoners to be executed. Immediately upon return to Jordan visits family of murdered pilot. Promises revenge and ramps up military operations.

Obama . . President of the United States: Gets word of beheaded American. Within the hour is playing golf at Martha’s Vinyard. No visit to family of beheaded American. No mention of the event or murdered man’s name to the media. Orders release of more terrorists from Guantanamo. Still cannot bring himself to say the words ‘Islam’ and ‘terror’ in the same sentence.

One of the above is acting like a leader.

One is an inept, feckless, flacid, worthless pile of poop shit.

Here’s a really simple golf trick that anyone can do with just a little practice.

This is a very special picture that was created for us by Boris. He was so enamored with out Magical Mysteries in Histories instructor that he just had to paint her in context. If you ever get a chance to visit our on site school, this picture is hanging up right down the hall from the Magic’s Wing. It’s well worth seeing in person.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

‘How do you feel about sex?‘ he asked, rather tentatively.

‘I would like it infrequently‘ she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – ‘Is that one word or two?’

Last week, the highly anticipated movie, 50 Shades of Grey came out. I understand that this is a still from the movie:

Men Do Remember!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.  She

puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front

of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are

you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day

we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating?

I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside

him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my

face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to prison

for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out

today.'

Very interesting infographic. Have you ever wondered what a body is really worth?

3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1425

Howard says:

February 21, 2015 at 11:34

Great issue! BTW, once you detox from those pies, just remember having one will result in a relapse. There’s no such thing as a recovered addict! LOL. Also, just out of curiosity, what’s the title of the Fantasy Pic of your Magical Mysteries in Histories instructor? I love Boris Vallejo art work!

- impishdragon says:
  
  February 21, 2015 at 15:03
  
  Not sure Howard, just one of the many pics of his that I have saved in my Fantasy Folder.
  
Ginny says:

February 21, 2015 at 09:19

So even with your pie withdrawal…you managed another outstanding blog! I feel your pain, and it will be getting better. Just envision the apple tree growing beautiful, juicy and crisp apples for your Apple Pie that will be made for you, but only if you are a good dragon.

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