As you get off the elevator you can hear the sounds of a festive holiday party in full swing. Christmas carols and music, people chatting happily. Scents of hot mulled cider and cocoa attack your olfactory senses only as a prelude to the real attack of the scents of hot freshly baked Christmas cookies in multiple varieties. More traditional non food holiday smells of pine holly & peppermint round out this sensory assault assisted by the visuals of pine boughs lights and other Christmas decorations.
As you enter the Conference Room you see the common seating bench are pushed up against the walls to make room for the party. Many of Impish & Lethal’s Corporate Staff seem to have been invited. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday the 5 sisters who keep the Corporations Administrative functions running smoothly are decked out in barely not Naughty Santa’s Helpers velvet costumes and seem to be causing the rather large fellow in the corner with the impressive white beard quite a bit of distraction. This to the obvious consternation of Ginny & Diaman who are both perched in his lap and continually wiggling in it to regain his attention.
Mistletoe abound and most of those present seem to be making good use of it. Notably Impish seems absent from the party, something nearly unprecedented. Despite this incongruity all seem to be having a great time.
As you enter Lethal from the stage spots the signal from a drone at the door that finally all are assembled. He places his noggin of mulled cider on the podium inserts 2 finger in the corners of his mouth and lets loose with a surprisingly loud and sharp 2 note whistle. Heads turn in his direction an the chatter drops off.
“Tis glad I am to see you all making Merry, but I would remind you she does have an important job here and a husband to get back to (chuckling from the crowd can be heard).
I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all ‘Nollaig Shona Duit’ or Happy Christmas to one and all. Though Impish couldn’t be with us at the one set of the issue due to a conflicting annual event he’ll join us hopefully before the end of the issue to provide his (monitored) thoughts on the holiday.
It’s a giant sized issue, so best we get going. Eat Drink and make Merry, but only to excess. Enjoy.
OK so I know this is supposed to be a dignified but festive time. Therefore I have been trying to show more class than is our usual wont ( HEY! I said trying!) during the holiday season. However there is another important observance to be made this day so I have elected to have in effect two separate openings to the issue. This will hopefully serve to separate the debauchery usually associated with one celebration from the solemnity and class of the holidays so that both maybe enjoyed w/o reflecting on each other in any negative connotation. SO without further preamble let me just say….
Whoops! [Lethal appears to actually be blushing a darker shade of green than is his normal hue] Looks like we caught Impish opening one of his presents a tad early! Guess them little blue pills work even for Dragons. Good thing because pharmaceuticals are non returnable. See pal I told you I wouldn’t let anyone have reason to start calling you Limpish Dragon, even if you ARE getting up there in years.
Well Happy Birthday anyway my friend!
Ok lets restart the issue shall we? Nope wait… Got this one other bit of mirth that’s definitely naughty and not nice so lets getter done right here.
Even Santa Poops
OK. NOW that we’ve got THAT stinker out of the way… let’s restart the issue shall we? Hopefully Impish can finish up his impromptu little blue pill powered birthday partying and join us before the end of the issue.
There! That’s more solemn and dignified like! Before we go any further I’m informed by our legal department that the PC Police and the liberals have caught up with a favorite old classic of mine:
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House the investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter “the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter “the Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”
Or words to that effect.
Lethal Leprechaun Esq. Attny. at Con & Legalized Crime
Managing Partner Dewy, Cheatum & Howe
Band Aid 30 – Do They Know It’s Christmas? (2014)
For the forgotten
In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
“See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”
A Christmas Version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah that will Give You Chills!
The Lyrics, incase you couldn’t quite understand them all:
I’ve heard about this baby boy
Who’s come to earth to bring us joy
And I just want to sing this song to you
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
With every breath I’m singing Hallelujah
A couple came to Bethlehem
Expecting child, they searched the inn
To find a place for You were coming soon
There was no room for them to stay
So in a manger filled with hay
God’s only Son was born, oh Hallelujah
The shepherds left their flocks by night
To see this baby wrapped in light
A host of angels led them all to You
It was just as the angels said
You’ll find Him in a manger bed
Immanuel and Savior, Hallelujah
A star shown bright up in the east
To Bethlehem, the wisemen three
Came many miles and journeyed long for You
And to the place at which You were
Their frankincense and gold and myrrh
They gave to You and cried out Hallelujah
I know You came to rescue me
This baby boy would grow to be
A man and one day die for me and you
My sins would drive the nails in You
That rugged cross was my cross, too
Still every breath You drew was Hallelujah
The hallway with holly is hung,
The carols by choruses sung.
The tree is alight
To brighten the night
As the church bells are joyfully rung!
There was a young Christmas time elf
Who greatly admired himself
He climbed up a tree
A fairy to see
But fell down and left with a skelf!
A reindeer of Santa’s grew ill
So the vet gave the patient a pill.
His ears went all droopy,
And then he went loopy
So your present is over the hill!
May all of your Christmas be very
Much more than regular merry.
Though merry is good
There are times when you should
Find more ‘neath the mistletoe berry!
From out of the bright starry dome
Your Santa descends to your home.
He’s read what you wrote
In your “Please, Santa” note.
And your present’s been packed by your gnome!
The Top 5 Celebrity Secret Santa Gifts
- Marvin Lewis to Johnny Manziel: Platform spikes
- President Obama to President Putin: A shirt
- Jennifer Aniston to Brad Pitt: A framed copy of the hacked Sony email that calls Angelina “minimally talented.”
- Steve Ballmer to Donald Sterling: Season tickets to the Lakers
And the Number One Celebrity Secret Santa Gift…
- Mitch McConnell to Ted Cruz: A freaking clue
Merry Christmas Impish my friend.
- Makes: 18 servings
- Serving Size: 1 triangle
- Carb Grams Per Serving: 10
- 1 1/4 cups flour
- 3 tablespoons sugar*
- 2 teaspoons finely snipped fresh rosemary
- 1 teaspoon finely shredded orange peel
- 1/4 cup chilled butter, cut up
- 1/4 cup chilled tub-style vegetable oil spread
- 1 ounce white baking chocolate, melted
- Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a large bowl whisk together flour, sugar, rosemary, and orange peel. Using a pastry blender, cut in butter and vegetable oil spread until mixture resembles fine crumbs and starts to cling. Using your hands, knead the mixture for several minutes until smooth; form into a ball.
- Shape into a 9-inch square, using a rolling pin to flatten to approximately 1/8-inch thickness. Cut square into nine equal squares. Cut each square diagonally in half to form two triangles. Separate and transfer to a cookie sheet.
- Bake about 12 minutes or until bottoms of triangles are starting to brown. Transfer cookies to a wire rack and cool completely. Drizzle tops with white chocolate and let stand until set. Makes 18 (1 triangle each) servings.
- *Sugar Substitutes: Choose from Splenda Granular or Sweet’N Low bulk or packets. Follow package directions to use product amount equivalent to 3 tablespoons sugar.
- *Sugar Substitutes: Per Serving with Substitute: Same as above, except 83 cal., 8 g carb.
Nutrition Facts Per Serving:
Servings Per Recipe: 18
PER SERVING: 90 cal., 5 g total fat (2 g sat. fat), 7 mg chol., 37 mg sodium, 10 g carb. (3 g sugars), 1 g pro.
Other Carb (d.e): 0.5; Fat (d.e): 1;
Orla Fallon- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Flash back to 5 best toys of the ’80s
Depending on your choice of terminology, the ’80s were either “awesome”, “radical”, or “gnarly.” Of course, it needn’t be an all or nothing thing — the decade could easily be described as all three things.
And one of the best things about growing up in the ’80s, to quote the Joker from 1989’s “Batman,” were “All those wonderful toys.”
Sure, the ’70s gave us such great playthings as Stretch Armstrong and the Big Wheel, but stuff really got exciting in the 1980s. Toys became so much more than the one-note Lincoln Logs, Tiddlywinks, or any of those other crummy toys our parents were raised on.
Let’s take a look at some of the decade’s toy awesomeness, and we’ll start with the biggest dog the decade is proud to call its own ..
No. 5: Rubik’s Cube
You could ask anyone what a Weeble or Hippity Hop are, and some might know the answer, but most wouldn’t. That’s not the case with a Rubik’s Cube.
Everyone knows (and has likely owned) a Rubik’s Cube. The six-color puzzle was created by Hungarian mathematician Erno Rubik and took the world by storm in 1980.
The cube’s sides were twisted to mix up the colors, and then you had to figure out how to rotate the sides to unscramble them. The thing was tough to figure out, but it was easily solved if you knew the secret trick, and here it is: Simply peel off the stickers and then put them back on the correct sides.
That wasn’t so tough now, was it?
While Rubik’s Cube was a solitary game, there were other toys that you could enjoy either by yourself or with your friends …
No. 4: Action figures
Action figures had been around since the 1960s, but had not achieved their peak popularity.
The first action figures that really launched the genre — and it should come as no surprise — were the 3-¾-inch Star Wars action figures, introduced by Kenner in 1978. And it turned out that the furious popularity of Star Wars action figures had primed the action figure pump.
By the ’80s, there were plenty of franchises cranking out their own action figures of the same size.
G.I. Joe, Masters of the Universe, Batman (in a plethora of different costumes), and He-Man. Thought you had them all? Just watch an ’80s Saturday morning cartoon, and they would unabashedly remind you which new ones you needed to convince your parents to buy.
Action figures usually didn’t do much more than hold toy guys, but some action figures took a unique twist (literally) on the genre …
No. 3: Transformers
Whoever thought up Transformers were either geniuses or evil masterminds. These were action figures that could be turned into a car, airplane, boom box (what? A boom box?), whatever, just by flipping and rotating different sections of the Transformer.
And it wasn’t enough to simply have the Transformers change into one thing or another. They came complete with a back story that explained how malevolent Transformers faced off against the heroic Transformers, in some epic tale of good vs. evil.
Many times, however, you were stymied by the Transformer and couldn’t figure the thing out. As a result, you wound up with a third type of Transformer — one that was halfway converted between a robot and a car — and that’s how a lot of them existed, in a partially converted state.
As you can assume, action figures and Transformers were popular with boys, but the girls weren’t left out …
No. 2: The Care Bears
If you had a little sister, chances are there were about a dozen of these things lined up on her bed.
Care Bears had symbols on their tummies that correlated to their name and its particular way of “caring.” For instance, Cheer Bear had a rainbow on its stomach, while Wish Bear sported a shooting star.
The line started with 10 original Care Bears: Bedtime Bear, Birthday Bear, Cheer Bear, Friend Bear, Funshine Bear, Good Luck Bear, Grumpy Bear, Love-A-Lot Bear, Tenderheart Bear and Wish Bear. After a while, more bears were added, as well as their “Cousins” that included lions, rabbits, and dogs.
And, because it was the ’80s, all it took was a little fame for the Care Bears to spawn their own TV show.
The ’80s saw an increase in electronics toys, and by decade’s end we had peaked ..
No. 1: Nintendo Gameboy
Thank God for beginning and end dates. That allows us to include Nintendo’s Gameboy on this list. It was introduced in the last half of 1989, but kept chugging along in popularity well into the ’90s.
Until the Gameboy came out, most handheld games played just a single game — table tennis, baseball, football, you name it. Gameboy wasn’t the first handheld device with games you could swap out, but it did popularize the cartridge format in a handheld device. It had a black and white screen, but that was still high tech for the times.
The thing was awesome. And helping add to its popularity was a surprisingly simple — albeit addicting — game by the name of Tetris. Tetris did more to accelerate the device’s popularity than the sheer coolness of it, itself.
That’s it for our list of the top toys of the ’80s. Now head on up to your attic or down to the basement and see how many of these relics you have laying around.
AH-HA! Messed up meds! THAT’S my problem! I was worried I someone had found a cure for Grinchiness
A Marine’s Christmas Song
Stationed in Afghanistan, 7,000 miles away from home, Master Sgt. Robert Allen wrote a Christmas song for his wife and kids that has sent spirits soaring in tens of thousands of military families all over the world.
Allen joins the thousands of men and women deployed this holiday season in support of counterinsurgency efforts in Afghanistan. He said he hopes his Christmas song “will help people understand that though we’re willing to do it, it’s still heartbreaking.” Master Sgt. Robert Allen, Hometown: Pawnee, Okla. Produced by Cpl. Brian Adam Jones, Camp Leatherneck, Afghanistan.
Diamen, Ginny I think you can expect visits from the bearded one during his vacation this year. Certain Dragons were bragging while I was out of ear shot and muzzling range about just how naughty you can be.
That’s Christmas To Me – Pentatonix
Wonder what they say when the see this sight on Christmas night?
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.
- The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
- Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
- Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
- The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
- The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
- The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
- Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
- The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
- Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
- The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
- The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
- The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.
So there is your history for today.
Kevin Ross- This Is My Wish
The music from Today’s issue can be downloaded as MP3s here.
The songs are in a compressed file. You’ll need to be able to download it and decompress it your self using a program such as WinRar or 7Zip to access the MP3s.
DO NOT ASK FOR TECHNICAL SUPPORT HELP FROM US!
Those who do will get a decidedly naughty reply full of attitude from Marine Gunnery Sargent Grinch!
In cutting things to fit the issues several songs got traded around. Some of this week’s songs appeared in last week’s file and a few of last week’s were missing from the file. If you down load last week’s and this week’s you will have them all. I apologies for the confusion.
The links in the December issues to download the music will remain valid until approximately January 7th
A Soldier’s Silent Night (A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas) told by Father Berndt
This has become something of a tradition with me and Christmas issues. Yes it’s important to remember the reason for the season. However it’s just as important to remember those who allow you to be able to publically proclaim the reason for the season in the manner of your religious choice.
Last year someone privately suggested I was an SoB for posting this on Christmas and making people sad and/or cry. To that person and those of like sentiment I said this:
You think it sucks because for minute or two you’re sad and possibly crying from this? Think about those that are 7000 miles from home today and likely as not worrying about getting shot and killed. That is what sucks here. Think about the families of those who are protecting us who’ll be notified that their loved one was kill Christmas Eve or Day. That is what sucks here. The fact they did it to protect your right to express your uncaring ignorant self absorbed opinion is what really sucks here.
[with editorial commentary by Lethal Leprechaun]
It’s Christmas Eve. [which means you have less than 1 shopping day left before Christmas]
A very special day. Once a year we celebrate the birth of forgiveness. The beginning of hope. We do with this love, laughter and togetherness. The three attributes that Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laughs have espoused from the very beginning. Live, Love, Laugh.
We throw laughter [and occasionally snarcasm &/or profanity] at the ails and evils of life, we try to bring the joy of childish laughter to all of our loyal friends. In that regard, the idea of a blue dragon or a green leprechaun playing the part of Santa Claus is no more far fetched than any other idea. We invite you in to our mythical [delusional?] world where anything is possible and laughter rules the day, so that you may take that laughter and happiness with you to the real world to defend yourself against the evil bad guys that are all around us.
I [We] want to take this time to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of our wonderful readers. Those of you who’ve made this worthwhile throughout the years. I wish you all a happy time with your family and friends and to bathe in the love you have for each other.
I [We] also want to extend a Very Merry Christmas to all of our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines around the world who’ve made it their mission to protect all of us from the literal evil of the world. They do so at great expense, personal hazard and discomfort and they do this all voluntarily. Those of you who are away from home for the holidays deserve our special love and gratitude, not only now, but throughout the rest of the year.
While we [finally!] are wishing Merry Christmases, let us not forget the men and women who have given time with their family in order to serve us, the rest of the country. The police officers, firemen, EMTs, hospital workers, utility workers, and all the others that I’m sure I’ve forgotten. A hardy thank you and a Merry Christmas to you all. [If you encounter any of them between today and tomorrow remember its Christmas for them too, try not to make their lives more difficult than it already is please.]
To those of you who’ve been forced by your [Scrooge/Grinch like] employer to work during the holidays, by their greed and avarice, we not only thank you, sympathize with you, knowing that you too have families that depend on your job and that you are stuck, but we wish you, too a Merry Christmas and give you the hope of time spent with family.
My friends, if you would give me one gift this holiday season, give me the gift of doing something nice for one other person in your life. Wish a stranger a Merry Christmas, give a cup of coffee to a bell ringer, do a nice thing for an aged aunt or grandmother, [help a homeless person feel the joy of the holiday in some small way]. Pass along the joy and blessings of the season to another.
To all of you I [We] wish God’s Blessings, Love, Joy, Laughter and Peace.
[Lethal Leprechaun and the entire imaginary cast of mythical employees of DL & LL Digital Media]