As soon as you get off the elevator to the Conference Room level you see two of these figures outside the elevator move to block your exit. That ask you in a harsh very artificial sounding voice to please exit sign file one at a time for pending scan for Saurian Life signs. As you comply you notice the Announcement Board across from the elevator shows the Conference Room is not only designated for the presentation of Leprechaun Laughs but designated a Dragon Free Zone for the day as well. Since none of you are Dragons in disguise you are directed to the Conference Room
Outside the Conference Room you notice two more of these figure manning the double doors and further spot that they seem to be carrying a strange gnarled and twisted baton similar in appearance to Lethal Magical Dancing Shillelagh, that is if it had been taking steroids for about a year.
Inside the Conference Room there are 8 more of the figures, 6 standing about the room and 2 on the stage one in what appears to be a butlers day coat offering coffee and a selection pastries from a tray to Diaman on her lounge bed and the last with green eyes facing you all from the podium.
Green eyes addresses you the immediately recognizable voice of your favorite absent Leprechaun:
Top o the morn folks! Sorry about all the security and me lads here being a wee bit more intimidating than the last bunch but as you know Impish tried to destroy all me iLethals. Well all but one which he used in an attempt to make my telepresence into some sick twisted parody of Jose Jalapeno on a Stick [identify the gratuitous reference in the comments section for bragging rights] I call these lads Cyber-Lethals and as you can see this bunch is capable of mounting a rigorous defense against demented deceptive destructive destructive
Dragons New Jersey Newts.
I say deceptive because I threw the BS flag on his claim that iLetahls were dangerous according to MOSHA. See first off MOSHA doesn’t hold any sway here in the mundane world- that would be OSHA who doesn’t come here. After Impish got annoyed with them and threatened to eat a few inspectors they just level their maximum daily fine for having an uncaged unmuzzled Dragon roaming freely on the premises. Secondly the only reason they were under Impish’s feet/tail was that he had them all corralled in his office figuring he would force a conversation I’m not interested in having with him.
I say demented because apparently after binging on one too many chopsaki movies in a marathon he got the idea to ‘accept his shame and atone for his failure as my friend and his personal insult to me. His chosen manner apparently was to be the Yakuza ritual of severing a finger depicted in many Japanese Mafia Chopsaki offerings.
Relax he’s fine. Lucky for him we as a rule don’t allow Impish to have objects sufficiently sharp enough or of great enough tensile strength to actually harm himself. You all know how detail orientated Impish isn’t. Well he got the concept from the movie but apparently paid little or no attention to the manner in which it was done. Instead of starting with a single joint of the left pinky he was attempting to lop off an index finger. Fortunately as I previously mentioned we don’t allow him object capable of harming himself unsupervised. The most dangerous thing he was about to locate for his attempt was a brown paper grocery bag fill of Sporks provided with the salads and such by the local deli in the employee’s lunch room. By utilizing all 2764 Sporks in the bag he evidently managed to give himself a nasty but minor shallow cut across the top of a knuckle on said finger.
Relax while the blood of New Jersey Newts is hazardous (what from New Jersey isn’t ?!), we’ve a highly trained very skilled team here dedicated to cleaning up after Impish and there is no danger to any of you. As for Impish, I’m reliably informed he’s currently in the Mythical Veterinary Clinic we keep on site specifically for him milking the injury for everything its worth while asking every 5 minutes if they don’t think he needs an IV a bigger bandage and if I have been informed of his serious injury.
I should probably be back next week and things might well have returned to normal- or at least what passes for the semblance of normalcy and semi-sane around here. Until then enjoy the issue, I’ve a lovely set of twins to entertain and I think a set of triplets to look forward to.
OH! ONE LAST IMPORTANT THING!-
You’d do bloody well not to skip the Parting Shot today. The advice it contains actually may just at some future point save your life- literally. No joke. No Hype. No Come On. Just deadly serious here.
Impish and I are in total agreement regarding the importance and value of the information provided. So much so that were I not posting it today he would be on Saturday. That should speak volumes right there.
Because this is the sort of thing is new and occurring with a frightening and increasing regularity, you need to sit your kids down and have a family meeting to go over the material with them. Make sure they understand what to do when confronted by this situation or even the possibility of it and you have a family plan for this.
Impish and I both beg you don’t put this off or blow this off. THAT is how strongly we feel about the importance of this.
Since she is here among us today I thought I’d surprise Diaman and get her to recite her limericks herself for us! She blushes such lovely shades when she does them for the New Jersey Newt and myself!
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
There was an old Count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
On a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
‘Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn’t a spare tit for Tat.
There was a young tar from the sea
Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
The results were most horrid –
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.
There was a young lady named White
Found herself in a terrible plight:
A mucker named Tucker
Had struck her, the fucker,
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!
Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep,
“I’m so tired and worn I could weep.
It’s my husband’s demand
For a tit in each hand –
And the bastard walks ’round in his sleep!”
A thrifty old man named McEwen
Inquired, “Why bother with screwing?
It’s safer and cleaner
To finger your weiner,
And besides you can see what you’re doing
Speaking of bawdy & naughty…here’s a photo by the Shannon Twins whom I had lined up for
Impish that dimwitted New Jersey Newt alleged best buddy of mine. You know the one who insulted me by standing me up after harassing me for nearly an entire month to join me. The one who’s name shall not be spoken in my presence or by me. I’m stoically enduring the uhh…obligation yeah obligation of entertaining them myself so as not to disappoint them
I hope seeing this hurts
Impish New Jersey Newt! I’ll be taking advantage of their charms to help me get over the insult you’ve done me. Mean time you enjoy the memory of that cake of friendship you chowed down box and all unopened.
“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”
2-Ingredient Nutella Brownies
So… 2-Ingredient Nutella Brownies… I think I just stepped into Gluten-Free territory, and I didn’t even mean to. Eggs and Nutella are all you will need to make these delicious brownies
It wasn’t quite as simple as Molly thought it was going to be to make these After calling her attention to the site on which I found them. It turns out that, one, you need to beat those eggs to death… with an electric mixer, of course… and then, you have to warm up the Nutella to almost hot, but not too hot, or just enough to thin it out, before you slowly add it to the eggs. HA! Piece of cake!
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
Total Time: 45 minutes
Yield: Makes 9 Bars
- 4 large Eggs
- 1 cup Nutella
- Powdered Sugar, optional
- Preheat oven to 350.
- Line an 8×8 brownie pan with parchment paper; set aside.
- Place the eggs in your mixer’s bowl and beat for 5 to 7 minutes, or until the eggs have tripled in size. This may take up to 10 minutes with a handheld mixer on high.
- Heat the Nutella in the microwave for 60 seconds.
- Remove and stir.
- Slowly pour a stream of the warm Nutella over the eggs, beating until mixture is thoroughly combined.
- Pour batter into prepared pan and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out with very few crumbs.
- Remove and let completely cool before cutting.
- Dust with powdered sugar.
- Cut into bars and serve.
***DO NOT put the Nutella-Jar in the microwave. Measure out 1 cup of Nutella and microwave it in a microwave-safe bowl.
Pumpkin Pie Cinnamon Rolls
I’m a sucker for Pumpkin Pie or honestly pretty much anything pumpkin and Molly loves Cinnamon Rolls hot from the oven on a Sunday morning with coffee and the paper. That made this recipe a no brainer for us to try, especially since Molly didn’t have to deal with the hassle of making the dough.
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 18 minutes
Total Time: 30 minutes
Yield: Makes 16 Rolls
Cinnamon Rolls in under one hour made with refrigerated dough, a delicious pumpkin filling, and an incredible pumpkin pie spice cream cheese frosting!
- 2 cans Pillsbury Crescent Rounds
- 4 tablespoons butter, melted
- 1/2 cup pumpkin puree (not pie filling)
- 1 tablespoon milk
- 1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
For the Frosting
- 4-oz cream cheese, softened
- 1-1/2 cups powdered sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- Preheat oven to 375.
- Lightly grease two 8-inch cake pans with non-stick spray; set aside.
- Separate dough into 16 rolls and unroll.
- Brush each piece of dough with melted butter.
- In a small bowl, mix together pumpkin puree, milk, brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg.
- Evenly divide pumpkin filling and spread over each piece of rolled-out dough.
- Carefully roll up each dough, lightly pinching seams together.
- Arrange the rolls 1 inch apart in the prepared cake pan.
- Bake for 16 to 18 minutes, or until tops are golden brown.
In the meantime prepare the frosting.
- Place cream cheese in your mixer’s bowl and cream for 1 minute.
- Gradually add in powdered sugar and continue to beat until well combined.
- Mix in pumpkin pie spice.
- Add vanilla and mix until thoroughly combined.
- Remove pans from oven and immediately brush each roll with frosting.
Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken
If you have a large enough slow cooker and they are available in your neck of the woods, this also works well with disjointed turkey wings & legs. Not a fan of the whole Buffalo poultry craze? Substitute and equal amount of A-1 Sauce, Heinz 57 or your favorite BBQ sauce for the hot sauce. On the other hand if your mantra is ‘More hotta more bedda!” try substituting Sriracha Chili Sauce for the hot sauce and may the gods have mercy on your digestion.
Prep Time: 3 hours, 00 minute
Cook Time: 4 hours, 00 minute
Total Time: 7 hours, 00 minute
Yield: Serves 6 to 8
- 8 to 10 chicken drumsticks
- 1 bottle (5-ounces) Frank’s Red Hot (or any other buffalo sauce that you like to use)
- 1/2 cup dry wine
- 1/4 cup vegetable oil
- 3 garlic cloves, minced
- 3 tablespoons dried parsley
- Place drumsticks in a large resealable plastic bag.
- Add the rest of the ingredients to the bag; seal bag and turn to coat.
- Refrigerate for 3 hours or overnight.
- Transfer chicken and sauce to slow cooker.
- Cover and cook on LOW for 3 to 4 hours, or until chicken is tender. You can also cook them on HIGH for 2 hours.
- Remove chicken to a serving plate and brush the sauce over the chicken.
- Serve with a side of bleu cheese dip.
In case you’re wondering what part of a Dragon that is, I’m told they are fingers joints
This is How You Tell Movie Merchandizing Has Just Gone Too Damned Far
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
As only the Irish can tell a story!
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat …..and
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother …
“Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across
the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said,
“Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were
all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!”
When Posing Goes Wrong
Speaking of posing…here’s a pose by the Dahm Triplets. An evening of entertaining them which I also went to great lengths to obtain for
Impish the New Jersey Newt which I’ll now be forced to undertake myself.
By the way
Impish New Jersey Newt, in case you’re wondering that’s lickable fruit flavored body paint and candy nipple jewelry they are dressed in…and that’s ALL!
Eat your weight in institutional green Jell-O New Jersey Newt!
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Hey New Jersey Newt! Stop laughing at this one! You’re a scant 3 years away from this scenario yourself! Let’s just hope she’s doesn’t turn out to be a Liberal woman driver or you might wind up with this:
Speaking of cars, they finally invented one with the New Jersey Newt in mind! He can drive one to his new job where he gets paid to fill them!
Sort of brings a whole new level of meaning to the phrase “I’m getting shitty gas mileage’ now doesn’t it?
When it comes to this situation I’m not an expert, nor do I pretend to be. True I may have some training that puts me on a slightly better footing but I was never trained for this particular scenario. The following information is from 2 different sources, complimentary and stitched together unedited by me with the exception of the yellow highlighter emphasis in certain key passages. After the 2 articles are some links to resources.
Were I even resort to waxing profane, I still could not urge your strongly enough to take the time to watch review the links and watch the videos so I’m not even going to try. All ya’ll are a hard headed and bloody stubborn bunch and nothing I say is likely to sway you if you’re of a mind to blow this off.
I will ask you one question however, the time I am imposing on you to spend reviewing this information and discuss it with your family, is what you’d be doing instead really more important than your life or the life of any of your family? If the answer is yes, then may the Almighty have mercy on your stupid self absorbed soul, because that active shooter sure in the hell isn’t going to.
Preparing for Active Shooter Situations and Terrorist Attacks
While active shooter situations are still pretty rare, it’s a phenomenon that does seem to be increasing in regularity. From the shooting in Colorado, to terrorist attacks around the globe, these events do happen and they are something that we need to be prepared to respond to.
Being able to protect yourself in an active shooter situation begins with having a good sense of what’s going on around you. As I suggested in a previous article, about protecting yourself during a flash mob situation, knowing your environment is one of the most important safety precautions you can take in any situation.
Before entering any public place, you want to scope out the situation. If anything looks out of place, or your gut tells you something isn’t right, Listen to your instincts and leave.
Find your Exit Points
Part of being aware of your environment, means knowing how to get out when things go bad. Upon entering any new area, the first thing you want to do is look for every possible escape route and exit. This action could mean the difference between life and death, and is something that should never be overlooked.
Always Give Yourself the Tactical Advantage
Call it paranoia; I call it always being prepared. When putting yourself in a target rich environment – like a movie theater, public gathering or concert venue – there are a couple of things you should do to maximize your ability to survive a deadly situation.
First, try to avoid situations that may turn violent. While predicting one of these events is almost impossible, there are a number of things you can do that will put the odds in your favor.
AVOID HIGH PROFILE EVENTS
The madmen who commit these crimes are looking for attention. Lone shooters and terrorist organizations are both looking for media attention and high body counts. They are more likely to attack people during high profile events, so when possible:
- Avoid opening night events
- Avoid sold out shows and concerts
- Avoid high profile events and politically charged rallies
DON’T BECOME AN EASY TARGET
If you do go to a large event, such as a movie; a concert; or some sort of rally or sporting event, choose seats that are situated near an exit. The last place you want to be during a shooting, is stuck in the middle of a crowd or in the middle of a row of seats. Placement is a critically important factor in staying safe.
- Choose seats near exits
- Never choose seats in the middle of a crowd
- Don’t make yourself stand out from the crowd in any way
- Make sure there are no obstacles standing in your way of making a quick escape
TRUST YOUR GUT!
We have instincts for a reason. A number of people in the recent Colorado event had a bad feeling when they saw the shooter enter the building, yet most of them brushed off their feelings and reasoned that it was probably some sort of publicity stunt for the movie. Even after the shooting started, a number of people said, they still thought “it had to be part of the show.”
If a situation seems odd, if something seems out of place, or your gut tells you something isn’t right; listen to your instincts and don’t wait around to find out what happened.
Surviving an Active Shooter Situation
Should the unthinkable happen, and you find yourself in the middle of an active shooter situation, there are a couple of things you can do to help maximize your chances of survival.
ESCAPE – YOUR FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
In my opinion, this is first and foremost on the list of options. In an active shooter situation, the first thing you want to do is try to escape. This isn’t a movie or a video game; when the bullets start flying the last place you want to be is anywhere near the shooter.
Hopefully you took the time upon entering your location to scope out the exits. If you can safely make your way to an exit, do so without hesitation, and without attracting unwanted attention from the shooter. Once you hit the exit, keep going. Distance is one of the keys to surviving the situation.
BARRICADE: TAKING COVER
Taking cover means moving yourself away from any possible harm. If you can’t safely remove yourself from the situation, the next best option may be to take cover. When I say take cover, I don’t mean closing your eyes and hiding behind some tiny little object.
In the movies, you often see the hero of the story returning fire from behind some ridiculous object like a table, or piece of furniture. In real life, these objects provide little if any actual protection from incoming fire. There’s a big difference between taking cover behind a solid barrier (like a concrete wall) and hiding behind a chair or table.
Critics of this option will probably argue that you should never try to attack a shooter. But if you’re in a situation where there’s no place to run and no place to seek cover, what other option do you have? Most critics fall silent when asked that question.
The fact is in an active shooter situation, you often have very few options. Lying frozen in fear does nothing to add to your chances of coming out alive. If you have no other options, you need to act quickly and decisively to try to take out the shooter.
If you have a weapon, then hopefully you have trained for this type of situation. I’m not going to go into tactics and proper response, because nothing I can write will properly prepare you for this situation. Only proper training, both physically and mentally, can help you prepare for this type of encounter. Please don’t underestimate the need to properly train yourself in the ways of self defense.
After the attack, get to safety.
Once you have exited the building, or removed yourself from the situation, DO NOT DROP YOUR GUARD. What if the shooter returns? What if there are other shooters waiting outside the exits?
I was stunned to see cell phone footage of people fleeing the scene of last week’s shooting. Why anyone would stay and film this tragedy is not only disgusting, it’s something that could get you killed. Hanging out at the scene of the incident is never a good idea, trying to film it on your cell phone is just plain stupid.
While these types of incidents are extremely rare, they do happen and they are something that we must be prepared to respond to. We live in a sick society where people are constantly seeking fame; unfortunately, there are a growing number of lunatics who will do anything it takes to receive that fame and notoriety. This is a problem that will probably only get worse with time.
“Tools to Survive an Active Shooter”
If you witness any armed individual at any time, immediately call the Police to report the emergency. Use common sense. If hiding or escaping from danger is impossible, you should remain quiet, but we encourage you to DO SOMETHING!
If it is possible to flee the area safely and avoid danger, do so.
If it is safe to do so, consider:
* Escaping out of the other side of the building.
* Moving to a central and secure area within the building.
In case you must flee, do not go to the normal gathering site for your building. Instead, get far away from the shooting scene and contact the Police Department to advise them of your location.
Do not attempt to flee if the shooter is between you and your escape. If you are unsure, do not attempt to flee.
About Hiding in Place
If it is not possible to flee the area safely:
* Go dark. Turn off all the lights.
* Lock all windows and doors and secure yourself in your space.
* Get everyone down on the floor or under a desk and out of the line of fire and remain silent.
About Notifying Others
* Attempt to get the word out to others in your building or nearby if possible.
* Dial 9-1-1 to notify police and give your location, if that seems practical.
* DO NOT pull the fire alarm. It will provide the shooter with more opportunities to cause harm.
If the shooter comes into your room or office
* There is no one procedure that can be recommended in this situation.
* Attempting to negotiate with the individual may be very dangerous.
* Attempting to overcome the individual with force is a last resort that should only be initiated in the most extreme circumstances, but, again, DO SOMETHING!
Wait for the “all-clear” instruction given by an authorized or known voice.
If the staff or students do not recognize the voice that is giving instruction, they should not change their status.
* Unknown or unfamiliar voices may be giving false assurances.
* Remember, there may be more than one active shooter.
After a Valid “All-Clear”
* Follow the direction of Police Officers as you leave the building.
* Police may direct you to one collection point.
* When encountering Police Officers, keep your hands on your head or open in front of you. Officers are trained to be aware of all possible dangers and need to see quickly that you are not a threat.
* Be careful not to make any changes to the scene of the incident since law enforcement authorities need to investigate the area later.
Active Shooter: How to Respond http://www.dhs.gov/xlibrary/assets/active_shooter_booklet.pdf
Active Shooter: Pocket Card http://www.dhs.gov/xlibrary/assets/active_shooter_pocket_card.pdf
Shots Fired On Campus Video 20 minutes and 32 seconds (Evaluation Copy: CPPS Training) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zESoTz-RBc
Shots Fired On Campus Video 17 minutes and 52 seconds (Evaluation Copy: CPPS Training) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_syVYFVJeMU
Shots Fired On Campus Video 15 minutes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdU8er2fQMw