See what happens when I’m all nice and respectful to Impish? Been letting him slide, laying off his case, doing graphics for him to help him out for a while now. Suddenly last Saturday I wake up to find myself playing Abbot to his Costello unannounced.
SIGH! I guess good deeds really never do go unpunished. Time to take Impish to summer school I guess. That means you folks are coming along for the ride so put the coffee smokes and cookies all away sit up straight and pay attention cause class is in session and I’ve got 6 Nuns who are worse than the Penguin from the Blues Brothers movies. They think they are Jedi Masters with those fiber glass reinforced graphite pointers and their mission is to keep you paying attention all issue. Free word of caution with them there is no try-only do.
I really like the coffee service in this place!
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ol’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the biker.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you?”
The biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering, young lady,” he whispers: “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes. Yes, I sure am.”
The biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, then, ’cause I want a cheeseburger.”
SUMMER TIME IS HERE!
Bikini’s, short shorts, boy shorts, crop tops, plunging necklines, spying on nude sunbathing MILFs with R/C drones! [Mop brigade to the conference room- clean up dragon drool pool ] Let’s celebrate with a little Summer music through out the issue shall we?!
The Beach Boys – Surfin’ Safari (1962)
Three old men were sitting together in a retirement home: Paul, Impish, and Lethal. Most of the time they’d try to one-up each other about their youthful exploits, but this time they were discussing how each of them would like to die.
Paul started it off, saying “I would like to die in a race car going two-hundred-and-fifty miles an hour!”
Not to be outdone, Impish, a retired Air Force vet, said, “Me? I’d like to die in a jet fighter going Mach 1!”
Impish and Paul then looked at Lethal, seeing if the old Celt could outdo those grand death wishes.
“Me?” Lethal finally said, “I’d like to be shot!”
“Shot?!” said the other two, nearly in unison. “But why?!”
“…by a jealous husband,” Lethal continued.
The Male’s Stages of Life
(Later on the Female’s)
17 – beer
25 – imported beer
35 – vodka
48 – scotch
66 – Maalox
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping
17 – pot
25 – coke
35 – money
48 – power
66 – Viagra
Definition of a Successful Date
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – ménage a trios
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – black lab
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – dust bunnies
What’s the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17
17 – Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 – “Split the check before we go back to my place.”
35 – “Just come over.”
48 – “Just come over and cook.”
66 – “Come over and watch Star Trek re-runs.”
James Gandolfini (1961 – 2013) was Tony Soprano, the unofficial boss of the New Jersey family highlighted in the hit television show The Sopranos. Marlon Brando (1924 – 2004) was Don Vito Corleone, the head of the most powerful mafia family in New York City in the popular film trilogy, The Godfather. But do you know them well enough to tell who said what? Take our quiz and find out!
You’re favorite Leprechaun ( I AM your favorite Leprechaun RIGHT?!) must be mobbed up because I got 9/10 only missing #8. To be honest I’ve never see a single episode of The Sopranos, but I’ve seen every Godfather movie end to end at least 3 times and a few of them more.
We know! We know! OH HOW we know!
Bryan Adams – Summer of 69
Impish walked into a jeweler’s shop one Friday, with a beautiful young blonde on his side.
“I’m looking for a very special ring for my girlfriend,” he said.
The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
“I don’t think you understand,” Impish tells the salesman. “I want something really unique,” says the man.
At that, the excited jeweler goes and gets his special stock from the safe.
“Here’s one stunning ring at $45,000,” he says, dollar signs in his eyes.
The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the Impish said that he would take it, adding “I’ll pay by check, but of course you and the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order. So I’ll write the check, you can phone the bank, and then I’ll fetch the ring on Monday.”
Monday morning a very angry jeweler phones the Impish. “You bastard!!! You lied!! There’s no money at all in that account!”
“I know,” said our Dragon, “I’m very sorry — but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?”
Baked Pumpkin Doughnuts
Prep Time: 10 mins
Total Time: 20 mins
Serves: 12, Yield: 12 Doughnuts
Bacon-Cheese Pull Apart
Each bite is filled with breakfast flavors! You can taste the bacon, cheese, mushroom and green-onion flavors. Originally, this was a Pillsbury Bake-Off 41 (Hollywood,2004) recipe submitted by Terri Barton of Salt Lake, Utah. It has been noted that this dish should be used as a side to breakfast or brunch unless you increase the amounts of eggs bacon mushrooms and cheese.
Servings: 8 (as a side 6 as a main dish)
To make it a main dish I’d go with a glass 9×13” pan 6 eggs an addition one of the smaller tubes of biscuits, 10 slices of bacon or a mixture of bacon & either cooked ham or brown & serve sausages chopped up and 8 oz of mushrooms (which personally I’d cook in some of the bacon grease with garlic. I’d also consider sautéing some spinach until it was excess moisture free for inclusion or possibly some fresh or frozen chopped broccoli
The Mason Jar Blender Trick: Do You Know About This?
Sometimes there are kitchen tips that float around on the Internet for years before you bump into them. Sometimes those tips are potentially life-changing. Like this one: did you know that a standard mason jar can be used in place of the pitcher on most blenders? What the what?
If you unscrew the base from your blender pitcher, you’ll see that the blade fits perfectly onto a standard (not wide-mouth) mason jar and the base screws on to hold it securely. Fit it onto the blender and blend away!
There’s a lot of to love about this easy trick. If you’re blending a smoothie, you can drink directly from the jar or put on a lid and take it on the go. I also like the idea of making a few smoothie kits in jars and keeping them in the refrigerator for quick blending in the morning. You can also use jars for blending spices or nuts and even store them in the jar after blending. It basically turns your blender into a DIY Magic Bullet — and saves you from doing a few dishes. Win-win!
How cool would it be if this ran Impish over instead of a bus?! Can you imagine his shock when he looked up to see what hit him?
Zac Brown Band – Toes
The Female’s Stages of Life
17 – Wine Coolers
25 – White wine
35 – Red wine
48 – Dom Perignon
66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses for Refusing Dates
17 – Need to wash my hair
25 – Need to wash and condition my hair
35 – Need to color my hair
48 – Need to have Francois color my hair
66 – Need to have Francois color my wig
17 – shopping
25 – shopping
35 – shopping
48 – shopping
66 – shopping
17 – daddy’s credit card
25 – boyfriend’s credit card
35 – husband’s credit card
48 – boss’s credit card
66 – Viagra
Definition of a Successful Date
17 – “Burger King”
25 – “Free meal”
35 – “A diamond”
48 – “A bigger diamond”
66 – “Home Alone”
17 – tall, dark and handsome
25 – tall, dark and handsome with money
35 – tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 – a man with hair
66 – a man
17 – Muffy the cat
25 – Unemployed boyfriend
35 – Irish setter
48 – Children from his first marriage
66 – Semi-starving guard dog
What’s the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 – 17
25 – 25
35 – 35
48 – 48
66 – 66
17 – He offers to pay
25 – He pays
35 – He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 – He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 – He can chew breakfast
Summer is here and you know what that means:
It’s time to ship
old fat & lazy Impish off to summer fat reduction & exercise camp while I try and momentarily reclaim some of the freedom and peace of mind I had before he came into my Law Office and lied to us when he told the Firm, “Well, I’ve got some good news.”
And the Number One Sign Impish is at a Bad Summer Camp…
Sniff…sniff God Ronnie I miss you!
Mungo Jerry – In The Summertime ORIGINAL 1970
Wives Are Always Looking Out for Us
Impish got home real late last night after a full day of burning and pillaging with the guys, and his wife left a message in the kitchen:
Impish wasn’t sure what to make of it but I got her message loud and clear!
…she wants him to make a fruit salad.
Bless her heart!
Kenny Chesney & Uncle Cracker – When The Sun Goes Down