Dragon Laffs #1390


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Good Morning Campers!Welcome to camp

Wow, what a week it’s been!  Here it is Thursday and I’m just now getting started on this week’s issue.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been this far behind in my work.  But, it’s also been one of those kinds of weeks at my day job, as well. 

Well, at 6:51 a.m. this morning it was the official start of summer, the beginning of the01a1a summer solstice or midsummer.  Celebrations vary by nations, but it centers around fertility.  One of the means of celebration is to light fires, originally designed to keep dragons away who would poison wells, lakes and water sources.

Now, I strongly take offense to this purely historical crap!  They BLAMED us for poisoning water sources because they were too bloody stupid to keep their water clean!  Peasants were getting sick year round, but it was only because of us dragons poisoning their wells on one night of the year?  Really?  Please!

We were much more interested in the whole fertility thing and many of us dragons (those of us old enough to be capable) visited the celebrations in our human forms.

Why?  I’ll show you why:
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Come on!  For any healthy dragon, that’s akin to leaving the fridge open while full of the most succulent food imaginable!  Why would we want to poison that???

Today is also the longest day of the year.  And you thought all days lasted 24 hours.  Ha!  No, what it really means is it is the longest daytime (time between sunrise and sunset) of the year.  Actually, day by day it only varies by a few seconds.  For instance, here in my town, from the 19th of June to the 24th, the chart that I checked said that each day was 15 hours and 6 minutes.  To compare to the shortest day of the year (the winter solstice) 9 hours and 15 minutes.  A difference of 5 hours and 51 minutes.  Anyway, that probably means that 6:51 a.m. the sun reaches the furthest north in it’s winding track across the equator. The furthest northern point follows a track around the earth called the Tropic of Cancer and the southern, the Tropic of Capricorn.

Anyway, enough science lesson for the day.

LetsLaugh

Lethal Leprechaun and I have been friends for a long time.  In fact, we went to school together.  There was this one time I remember that the teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.
Impish raised his hand. He said, ‘my family went to see the Grand Canyon and we got to fly up and down the canyon and I was ‘fascinated.’
‘The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Impish, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’
Little Lethal Leprechaun raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Lethal before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’
So she called on him.
Lethal said, ‘My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’
The teacher sat down and cried.

I remember a lot of those kinds of times growing up…

 

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This next one started out in the motivational section, but so much better here that I moved it up!
vege

 See what I mean? 

LOL Cow

 

 

The phone rings and Mrs. Dragon answers.

A pervert with heavy breathing says, “I’ll bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

Mrs. Dragon replies, “Yes I do.  He’s watching TV…whom shall I say is calling?”

Okay, I’m not sure if Lethal slipped that one in or if Mrs. Dragon did.  Either way, it made me laugh so it stays.

 

5

Okay, so it’s just a little early for football jokes, but being a Green Bay Packer fan, the off season is just way too long.  Sigh.

 

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I was telling you that I had a lot of stories about Lethal and I growing up.  It’s funny, because some of the stories have actually become legend, gotten twisted about a little bit, kind of changed a little to protect the innocent guilty.  To illustrate my point and show the height of coincidence at the same time, we received a letter at the main office this week from one of our stalwart readers, Paul.  Now, in Paul’s defense, he didn’t come right out and accuse us of being involved, but the implication is there.  And I’m not saying that it’s true or false, I’m sticking with Lethal’s reply to said letter that comes at the end. 

Here, read for yourself:

Dear Impish and Lethal,

I’m pretty sure this story hits close to home for you guys…

Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous. 
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. 
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. 
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. 
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. 
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 
“Do you know where God is, son?” 
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. 
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 
“Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
 
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. 
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
“What happened?”
 
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 
“We are in BIG trouble this time!” 
“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

Like I said, I’m not making any statements for or against any part of the above story, but am standing beside my lawyer, Lethal Leprechaun.  His reply follows:

As council of record for Impish Dragon and on behalf of myself personally I make the following statement for the record regarding these accusations:

We categorically deny any involvement in the alleged disappearance of God in any of his myriad of identities. True we are quite adept at such things but frankly even we have our limits, nor are we even sure it is possible to make such a thing happen, as he is manifest in all living things.

Additionally we point to the current conflict over which of God’s identities will be predominant now being fought in the Middle East as proof he is alive and well albeit disgusted disillusioned, and angry.

If those whom have leveled these charges are using their inability to find God in their hearts and lives as a basis for leveling these unfounded charges against us based solely on our ruthless business reputations then we submit the guilt lies with them and not with us. God only disappears from your life if you make that personal choice.

Since God has been stated as being among one of the values we promote protect and defend in our blog (albeit occasionally irreverently) we cannot be construed as complicit in anyone’s personal decision to cause God to be absent from their life or from realizing that their actions have created such a situation.

Finally if these charges refer to the Liberals and Atheist’s action here in the USA to remove all references to God from our Government as well as the general overall moral decline of American values and society as a whole, we maintain our innocence (with regard solely to his disappearance in distinction from any contribution we may or may not have made to the overall moral decay of American society however unintentional) and maintain instead that he is in point of fact actually hiding from us in embarrassment and disgust over us and our actions. In proof of this theory we offer the Obama Presidency and point to the Old Testament Book of Exodus and the plagues which befell Egypt when they ignored Gods will. Based on the rate at which the Obama Administration is consuming our rights finances and core beliefs we believe his Presidency to be the modern equivalent of the Plague of Locust which befell Egypt.

In summation allow me to paraphrase The Bartman who said in his own defense “Nobody saw me, you didn’t catch me, you can’t prove nuthin’ (ergo) we didn’t do it man.”

Yeah, what he said!
And besides, I know for a fact, that He (in one of His many forms) was at the regular Tuesday night poker get-together at our mountain headquarters, just the other day!

 

 

948

I really, truly want to hear this guy’s explanation for what in the heck he thought he was doing.

 

8 Ways to start a fight
1.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

2. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

3. I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

4. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

5. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

6. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”

7. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

8. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’


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Fantasy pix2

I have fans everywhere.  Here’s one that wanted to get my attention at the last Memorial Day orgy picnic that we put together.  She’s really kind of cute in a steampunk dangerous kind of way.

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Mrs. Dragon was telling me about an article she had just read where a  9 month old child was left in the car accidently in Florida. 5b I’m not sure of the baby’s outcome, but the whole article she read me had to do with things you could do to ensure you didn’t forget your child in the car, such as putting your cell phone or purse on the back seat or a teddy bear on the front passenger seat.  What kind of self-centered, non-thinking piece of plasma do you have to be to forget your own child in the car? 

I’ve been a new parent, a couple of times as a matter of fact, and I know a lack of sleep and personal time is a HUGE part of the plan, but as tired as I was, as worn out and stressed out as I’ve ever been, I’ve never forgotten the kid.  I’ve forgotten the diaper bag, the bottle, the kids food, my own belt, car keys, wallet, etc. But never the kid. 

But the part that really made me think where where it said to put your cell phone in the back seat, so you would get out of the car, the first thing you think of is your phone, you remember you put it in the back seat, turn around and say, “Hey!  There’s a kid back here! Oh yeah, right.  It’s mine!” Is this the kind of world we now live in, where remembering to get our cell phone out of the car is more important than remembering to get a child out of the car?  Come on people!  Put down the damn phones.

 

 

5c

But there in lies the problem:  too many people don’t “think”.  I’m not sure exactly what it is they use that grey matter that’s stuck between their ears for, but it sure as hell isn’t what it was originally designed for.  Take a look around you and tell me that the world is full of straight thinking people.  Go ahead.  I dare you.

 

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4f

There’s not even a ROAD there!  How the hell did he get up there to begin with??

 

4g

“Why no, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die!  Oddjob, get him on the escalator to the shark tank!”
Another one: “Yes, ma’am.  We are expanding the aquarium here at Sea World.”
Okay, one More: Here is a clip from the movie Deep Blue Sea, where the heroes are chased into the local mall.

4h

“Don’t give me that crap about ‘Crazy Women Drivers’!  You got pissed off again, didn’t you Hulk?”

 

4i

I’m figuring he drove off the roof and fell there.  Heck, I don’t know.

 

4j

Okay, a couple of things come to mind with this one.  Of course the first is that the whole throwing the tied sneakers over the phone lines is getting a bit out of hand.  Second, that those damn wires are up there a whole lot stronger than I ever thought they were.  And lastly, what do you have to hit at what sort of a weird angle to end up in that position?

 

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Oh?!  You thought that was tasteless? Well, try this one then:

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Okay, one more to really set the tasteless bar:

953

Yup, that ought to just about do it.  Throw in a couple of gay jokes and maybe one blonde joke and I should have offended just about everyone.
What?
Oh, Lethal says I have to apologize.  He says I’m not normally this disagreeable, but that I’m suffering from a stupid headache that I’ve had all week!  He may be right.  I am more than a bit disagreeable this week.  So, okay.  No more tasteless jokes or cartoons … at least for a little while.

 

Motivational

vending

 

urine

and haven’t we at DL&LL been saying that for YEARS!?!?!?

unique

Dude!  You are SO doing it wrong!!

unicorn

uni

Yes!  Yes they do!  Wait…what?  That ain’t no unicorn!!!  Run!  Clear the campground!!!!

runroomrunroomrunroom

I wonder if they will ever catch up to each other?

 

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Well, you knew it had to start SOMEWHERE, right?

 

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You know.  I just noticed that we haven’t had any videos in this issue!  So let’s do:
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Okay, this first one has got to be one of the strangest sights I’ve ever seen.  And that’s saying a lot!  I’ve seen some pretty strange sights in my life.  Check out this river of ducks.  No, not ducks in a river, a river of ducks.

What a great video.  If this one doesn’t touch your heart, check yourself into the hospital because you have no pulse.

The optical illusions in this one really make it worth watching.  A music video called: The Writing’s On The Wall, by OK Go.

 

Okay, last one.  Any other math nerds out there?  Just me?  Okay, I understand if  you don’t want to throw your hand up in the air.  But, if you are a math geek, hidden or otherwise, you gotta watch this next video.  It’s pretty odd.

I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s movie marathon.  Please write and let me know what you thought.

 

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Not sure that’s the best possible selling point to be advertising…

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There is a really good joke resting there about environmentally conscious people rescuing a beached whale, but I’m way too considerate to even mention it.

 

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Well, today’s Last Word is going to be another one that tends to piss people off.  At least I know it pissed me off.  So, let’s start with this essay posted on the American Thinker website.  You’ll be able to tell my comments…

Is it possible Obama is hoping to goad the GOP into impeaching him?

It is a confounding spectacle. The President of the United States faces a grave crisis in Iraq that threatens to undo the hard-won victory of his predecessor and flies off for a weekend of golf and fundraising in Palm Springs, blandly assuring the American people that his staff would prepare options for him to review in a couple of days. Our embassy in Baghdad, the world’s largest such outpost, studies evacuation plans bringing to mind the Fall of Saigon, while US contractors at an Iraqi military base may be trapped by the advancing forces of the Al Qaeda-inspired jihadists.  (You have no idea how much that chaps my ass!  That would be like me walking out in the middle of an incident or an exercise and saying I was going golfing, let me know how it works out on Monday!  How long do you think I would be employed if I did that?  I can tell you, I would be fired before I left the front gate and wouldn’t HAVE a job to come back to on Monday!  So how is it that the (supposed) head guy can do it.  There is (supposedly) no one better suited to take care of the problem then him.  This is where we need him the most and he’s going out of his way to fuck off?  We hired his ass, it’s time we fire it!)

Later that afternoon, the IRS explains to the American people that the potentially incriminating emails of its senior official who has taken the Fifth Amendment are somehow lost in a “computer crash,” as if there were not two parties to emails and no servers monitored by the NSA handled the transactions. It is a more blatant suppression of political scandal evidence than even President Nixon’s 18 minute gap in the White House tape recording system. (More people to fire.  I’m sorry.  I don’t think a government employee should be able to take the Fifth Amendment when it comes to answering questions on the performance of their job.  And as far as the lost email?  Bullshit!  Any sixth-grader could tell you that that many emails could not possibly have been lost from every single person who may have received them.  Throw the bullshit flag and throw them in jail until they tell the truth!)

Meanwhile, our southern border is wide open as the agents charged with protecting us from drug smugglers and suitcase nuke-carrying members of Al Qaeda (among other possible intruders) are busy changing diapers, vaccinating, and providing basic care for thousands upon thousands of children drawn here by the President’s promise to let children who make it across the border stay. (And who the heck said he could make that decision on his own?  He’s not the king, he’s the elected president!  How damn easy is it for terrorists to get into the country now that all the agents are busy?  Hmm, maybe it was done that way on purpose!  Of course he’ll deny that all the way to the mosque.)

Crisis upon crisis, and yet the president conspicuously enjoys his leisure with an insouciance (that means uncaring.  Yeah, I had to look it up.  Good word!) certain to raise the blood pressure of anyone who cares about the fate of the nation.  (That’d be us!)

I have to wonder if the man is hoping to goad his opponents into impeaching him. Such spectacular neglect of duty, fiddling as it were as the nation implodes, should infuriate the friends and relatives of our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines currently risking their lives in Afghanistan and elsewhere in our defense. As Iran moves steadily toward the nuclear Armageddon it openly seeks and the bulwark against it we fought for in Iraq collapses, President Obama makes clear he will not even disrupt his leisure activities to take action. And we have two and half years more of this ahead. (It’s so frustrating even reading this for the fourth of fifth time that I must have.  I’ve screamed twice in frustration and Mrs. Dragon is glaring at me telling me with her eyes that if I do it one more time that I’ll be sleeping in the dog house)

Perhaps Obama’s only political hope is to behave so flagrantly in defiance of his constitutional duties that his opponents are left with no other option than to pass articles of impeachment. That worked out very well indeed for Bill Clinton, and the playbook followed in the 1990s remains an option today. With the added advantage of being able to denounce his opponents as racists for impeaching the First Black President, it may in fact be an irresistible temptation for President Obama to use his pen and phone strategy and enact by executive fiat some more elements of the fundamental transformation he promised. Perhaps offering a categorical presidential pardon to violators of our border, for instance. Or announcing that the employer mandate of Obamacare will not be enforced for another year. Or two. (It worked out for Clinton because, from everything I read and went through during that time frame, the overall country thought that it would be worse for the country as a whole to impeach him, since he was doing a decent enough job of running the country.  He just wasn’t able to keep his dick in his pants and lied about it.  I don’t think the same thing will hold true for the king.  He’s not doing a decent job of running the country and he’s doing whatever the hell he wants to when he wants to the consequences be damned.  I hope the hell he is pushing for an impeachment, and I don’t give a rats ass in hell if he uses it to say that it’s prejudiced against the first black man in the Whitehouse (he isn’t really the first black man in the white house because he’s technically not black, but that’s a topic for another time) at least we wouldn’t have to put up with the next two and a half years allowing him to completely ruin this once great country!)

It is what should be a lazy summer weekend sandwiched between Memorial Day and Independence Day. And for the president enjoying golf in the luxurious environs of Palm Springs, perhaps it is. But for those of us who see our sovereignty crumbling to our south, a historic realignment in the Middle East tinderbox underway, and a rogue agency of the federal government acting with impunity to destroy evidence of suppression of the president’s opposition, it has the air of unreality. 

Complete and utter unreality.  Like a really bad version of the Twilight Zone.  I can even hear that amazing voice of Rod Serling coming across the speakers: “Picture if you will, a country filled with greedy, ignorant, lazy people who only think of themselves and elect, amongst them a man to be president who they think will make all their dreams come true.  But who is to say that this man has the same dreams and besides, things very rarely work out the way you expect, in the Twilight Zone.”

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1390

  1. Don says:

    There’s no way he’ll be impeached. Every politician in Washington has some dirty laundry that they don’t want aired and they know the opposition would surely do that. All an impeachment process would do is hide even more the corruption that takes place on an hourly basis. NONE of them are guiltless. At least in the past, crooked politicians would try to hide their dirty deeds and not flaunt it in our faces……..

  2. John Z says:

    He should have been inpeached, the day after he was sworn in

  3. You always hit the nail directly on the head!! I think we should impeach Obama also!!! Great issue!!!

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