AT&T while servicing someone else on Sunday couldn’t figure out why my cable was hooked up where it was at the road and again at the distribution node at the apartment building on Sunday so they just cut them. As  a result I did not have internet, phone or TV until after  12 on Monday. This has put me way behind just starting what was already to be a busy week for me prior to a Holiday weekend and of course a holiday issue.

As a result again this week there is no Parting Shot, but I suspect that most of you won’t be too disappointed by and large with that.

Impish received an e-mail from Lethal:
“Sorry Impish, but I have been using your wife… day and night whenever
you’re not at home. In fact, probably more than you.
I’m confessing now because I feel really guilty. I hope you will
accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the
future.
Upon reading this, Impish gets his gun and without uttering a word he
shoots his wife.
A few minutes later he received another e-mail: “Sorry Impish: Damned Autocorrect! I meant ‘wifi,’ not ‘wife.'”

We have 2 food related recalls today.

Kraft recalls cottage cheese citing illness risk

Food company says some ingredients weren’t stored properly

WASHINGTON (CNNMoney) – Kraft is recalling 1.2 million cases of cottage cheese that could spoil prematurely and cause illness.

The recall, announced Saturday, includes the Knudsen, Breakstone, Simply Kraft and Daily Chef brands.

Ingredients used in nearly three-dozen cottage cheese products weren’t properly stored in a California facility, Kraft Foods Group said.

The cottage cheese has code dates from Mary 9, 2014 through July 23, 2014. You can find the code date on the bottom of the cup or the top of the package. Simply Kraft products with a plant code of 36-2158 on the cups or a “W” in the case code are not affected. Simply Kraft products that are being recalled are only those with a plant code of 06-245 on the bottom of the cup and case code dates without any “W”. No other Knudsen, Breakstone’s, Simply Kraft or Daily Chef products are subjected to this recall.

The facility that made these products has stopped production and distribution while the company addresses the problem. If you purchased any of these products, do not eat them. Discard them or return to the place of purchase for a refund.

See the press release with full details here

1.8 million pounds of beef recalled for E. coli risk

People in 4 states sickened

The United States Food Safety and Inspection Service announced Monday that 1.8 million pounds of ground beef products are being recalled on fears that they may be contaminated with E. coli O157:H7.

Recalled cases of beef from Wolverine Packing Company in Detroit, Michigan, were produced between March 31, 2014 and April 18, 2014 and shipped to distributors for restaurant use in Massachusetts, Michigan, Missouri and Ohio. A complete list of products can be found on the FSIS website.

Based on investigations, 11 people across four states are suspected to have been sickened by the product. FSIS says that it is continuing to work with state and federal public health partners on this investigation and provide updated information as it becomes available.

Consumers with questions about the recall should contact Wolverine Packing Company at 262-563-5118 for details. Additional information can be found at nationalbeef.com.

Consumers with food safety questions are encouraged to contact “Ask Karen,” the FSIS virtual representative available 24 hours a day at AskKaren.gov. The toll-free USDA Meat and Poultry Hotline 1-888-MPHotline (1-888-674-6854) is available in English and Spanish and can be reached from l0 a.m. to 4 p.m. ET Monday through

The Top 5 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies

5> “I ate his ribs… with some pinto beans and a shot o’
     Jack Daniel’s.”
4> “Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
     tractor pull, kid.”
3> “I know what you’re thinking… did he fire six shots or
     only five?  Well, hell if I know!  You KNOW I cain’t count
     no higher’n three since the chainsaw accident!”
2> “My daddy always said, ‘Life is like a ten-dollar hooker —
     you never know what you’re gonna’ get.'”

and the Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie…

1> “You want a tooth?!  You can’t HANDLE a tooth!!”

Family cat defends a child during a vicious dog attack and runs the dog off before he can do additional damage. Thankfully, child is fine!

Bakersfield, CA – A family in Bakersfield, CA is breathing a sigh of relief after their pet cat chased off a dog who was attacking their young son.

Their home security camera caught the moments as they unfolded. Footage shows the dog slowly walk to the boy. Then, attack and pull him off of his bike.

The family’s cat leaps into action by tackling and chasing the dog away. That’s when the boy’s mother runs to help.

Roger Triantafilo, the boys father, uploaded the security video on YouTube and says, “Thankfully it wasn’t worse” He, then, added photos of the injury and stitches the boy received.

That’s one cat that is getting all the nip and tuna it can handle now!

Teacher and Student Funny Conversation..

Teacher: Change this sentence into Future Tense, “I killed a person”
Student: The Future tense is “You will go to a jail”

Teacher: Did u make this poem yourself??
Student: Yes Sir !
Teacher: Nice to meet you, William Shakespeare

Teacher: Which one is more important for us, Son or Moon?
Student: Of course Moon
Teacher: Why??
Students: The moon gives us light in night when we need it BUT the sun gives us light in day when we don’t need it..

Teacher: What will you do after growing up?
Student: Facebooking
Teacher: No! I mean what will you Become?
Student: Admin of Facebook pages
Teacher: O My God! I Mean what will you Achieve when you grow up?
Student: Facebook Admin Rights
Teacher: Idiot! I Mean what will you do for you Parents ?
Student: I create a page for them on Facebook.”I Luv Mom and Dad”.
Teacher: Stupid! What do your parents want from U? :@
Student: My Facebook password.
Teacher: Oh God!

Thanks to: ^{http://www.komando.com/happening-now/252877/dont-trust-this-email-from-google/all}

There’s a dangerous new threat that’s trying to steal your Google password. If you fall for it, hackers will have full access to your Gmail account, YouTube account, Google+ account, Google Search History and any other Google services you use.

From there, they can break try to break into other similar accounts, like Facebook, or pretend to be you to trick your friends and family into giving away important information. So, you definitely don’t want to fall for this one.

The Threat

The threat arrives in the form of an email, supposedly from Google. The subject line varies, but it’s some form of “Mail Notice” or “Lookout Notice.”

The body of the email says this:

GOOGLE MAIL NOTICE

This is a reminder that your email account will be locked out in 24hours

Due to not being able to increase your Email storage Quota

Go to the INSTANT INCREASE to increase your Email storage automatically. INSTANT INCREASE

=================================

Sincerely Gmail Team,

Copyright ©2014 Gmail. All rights reserved.

In the real email, the words “Instant increase” are linked. If you click the link, you’ll end up on a page that looks like the Google login page.

However, if you put in your username and password, they’ll be sent right to the hackers behind the email. Then they have full access to your Google account.

One thing that makes this message especially dangerous is the link itself. It’s designed to bypass Chrome and Firefox’s normal checks for phishing links, so you won’t get a warning.

How you know the email is fake

Spelling isn’t really an issue this time around, but the grammar isn’t up to the standards of the one of the most profitable companies in history.

There’s no Google logo and the From address says “Gmail,” but isn’t a Google domain name (i.e. there’s no “google.com” in it).

Finally, as always, Google will never ask you to click in a link in an email. It will tell you to go to Google.com to sign in and where to go to fix your account settings. This is true of any major company.

What to do if you get this email:

Obviously, don’t click on the link. Instead, just delete the email and continue on with your day. Opening the email won’t hurt anything, so don’t panic.

If you got this email and fell for it, then you need to immediately change your Google account password. You should also change the passwords of any other accounts that used the same password.

In the future, any unsolicited email you receive that has a suspicious link or attachment, you can just delete. If you aren’t sure whether or not it’s real, go to the company’s website to get its contact information.

Then call the company, or individual, to confirm if the email is legitimate. Don’t use contact information in the email itself.

1. Stare at the red dot on the girl’s nose for 30 seconds
2. Turn your eyes towards the wall/roof or somewhere else on a plain surface
3. Keep blinking your eyes quickly!
4. What can you see?

“Weird Al” Yankovic – Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me

Sign at my local Lowes

THE MOPED

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right . . . but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor; is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.”

Butch, the Rooster

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and  fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred’s amazement, old        Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.

Thanks to B-B-B-Bacon on the Hoof AHEM! I mean Porkie Pig for helping put with the closing. If you’ll all kindly excuse me deadlines for the Memorial Day issue , getting started on next Wednesday’s issue loom, along with 6 items on my Honey-do list and 4 customers project completion by dates.

You all enjoy your day. Impish will see you Saturday and of course we’ll be posting or Memorial Day issue on Sunday. I’ll be back with coffee and cookies again next Wednesday, assuming that is, AT&T doesn’t decide to play all high-handed-piss-on- the-customer-what-he-going-to-do with me again and cut me off for another 24 hours w/o notice because their installers are poorly trained and lazier than all get out.