Dragon Laffs #1386


Memorial Day
Good Morning Campers!f2009013001
Let me be clear, right up front, that this is NOT, the Memorial Day Issue.  This is a normal issue of Dragon Laffs that’s coming out on the Memorial Day Weekend.  Tomorrow, Lethal Leprechaun has put together the annual Memorial Day issue and it will be a real doozy!  I just spent the last couple of hours writing a Last Word for the issue, which is currently going through our deeply detailed editorial staff and will be prepared and ready to go in tomorrow’s issue.
Therefore, today’s issue is going to be a bit more on the relaxed and laffing side, enjoying the long weekend that most of us will have with friends and family.
d2009082819We are having our annual company, first of the summer barbeque this weekend at D.L.&L.L. Electronic Media, LLP corporate headquarters. So, if any of you are near around the mountain retreat, be sure to come round the back for some fun.  Don’t go to the business headquarters storefront, no one will be there to teleport you through to the mountain.  Just use one of the many public portals that are around and type in our coordinates, come around back and have a brat or burger and some of the finest distilled spirits, wines, and beers available.
Okay, so I can hear some of you saying, “What’s a portal?” and others, “What’s the code?”  The portals can only be used by mythical creatures, the Fae, some of the undergrounders (but not all) and only humans with the blood of the Fae or the Myths in their blood.  Most of those you would know as magicians, witches, seers, sages and the like.  So, if you don’t fall into one of those categories, or don’t know that you fall into one of those categories, then you are S.O.L.
On the other hand, if you just need the code or the coordinates (and don’t bother looking in the white pages3 of the coordinate handbook, we aren’t listed) then send an email to our admin staff, state your reasons for the information (Memorial Day Picnic/BBQ/Orgy will work) and most importantly, state what dish or drink you will be bringing since that is the real judge as to whether you’ll be given the access code or not.  If you are applying for staff membership of the bacchanalia, then you’ll need to send a full frontal nude picture of yourself, with letters of recommendation from at least one group of the mythological pantheon.
If you were at the party last year, then that code is still the same, since we haven’t moved in space/time over the last year, but DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, use any of the codes from before that time as all of them are still too radioactive to survive more than a few seconds.
It’s also possible to come through with someone who has access, but I warn all of you that you need to be VERY careful who you bring with you!  Any and all lawsuits arriving from YOUR guest are YOUR responsibility to render neutral.  More than one beloved camper has been forever banished from our property and a few have been banished from the known realms.
Are there any other questions?
Yes, you… the young lady in the back?
No, I can’t hear you.  You guys stop with the wolf whistles and help her up front so I can hear her!
Now, what was your question?
Are your attributes acceptable?  Which attributes would those be?
Ah, THOSE attributes!  Sweetheart, put your shirt back on and here’s my card, you call me personally when you are ready to … um … bring your attributes to the picnic and I will personally fly you there myself.
Okay, if there are no other questions, fill your coffee, grab a pastry or bagel and

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I was sure that my dad, The Great Papa Dragon Senior, knew EVERYTHING, until I got this email from him.  And you know what?  I think he did know all this stuff, but what he was trying to nicely say is that here’s a bunch of stuff that I’ll bet YOU didn’t know.  Yeah, that was probably it.

STUFF I  DID NOT KNOW.
 

  • It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.  When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
  • Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in  almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new  year.
  • Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
  • Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450 F.
  • The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear, is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the  veins in the ear.
  • Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
  • The banana cannot reproduce itself.  It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
  • Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
  • The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
  • The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  • In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted.
  • Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • A comet’s tail always points away from the   sun.
  • The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
  • Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval  times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
  • If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
  • When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go.  The first sense lost is sight.
  • In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
  • Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
  • The moon moves about two inches away from the earth each year.
  • The earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
  • Due to earth’s gravity, it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
  • Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy . 
  • Soldiers do  not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock  the bridge down.
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
  • For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
  • The Letter J does not appear anywhere on the Periodic Table of the Elements

 

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Amen!  And yet another way of saying the same things that Lethal and I have been saying all along.Amen

There’s a new sobriety test that’s making it’s way through the police departments, mostly through the southern states right now, but expect to see this at your next police sobriety road block.  Here’s the latest rendition.  Believe it or not, it’s a written test!
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I’m not sure if the Guinness Book of Records people were around or not, but this had got my vote as the longest bowling strike in history.

It may start you right at the right point or you may have to go through a few scenes first, but watch this teenagers Michael Jackson routine.  You’d think he’d come back from the dead or was reincarnated as a teenager.

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OH MY GAWD!  Think about this video the next time you see a cylinder truck on the highway!  The video is called Highway to [HazMat] hell!  And you can be sure this is going to make it into some of my classes.

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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.” “What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up.. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him,”Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

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And we wonder why we can’t get honest news reporting.

 

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Mine was…as was Lethal’s.  We do give a fuck.  About a lot of things. Just not the unimportant ones.

3aMemorial Day Picnic Blast/BBQ/Orgy break.  The brats are great!  The beer and ale and Irish Whiskey is flowing and I just saw Lethal Leprechaun dance an honest Irish Jig! He’s amazing, he is.  So, I thought I’d give it a try myself.

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Okay, so not nearly as graceful as my Irish buddy, but still, not bad for a dragon.

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Here’s a little test sent to us by William.  Not sure if I agree with all the answers, but it’s supposed to be the REAL MAN TEST:

The Real Man Test

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of inter-galactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married, only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Bears called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The Remote control.

REAL MEN ANSWER “C’ ON ALL QUESTIONS!

Recently, Lethal sent Mrs. Dragon a book…

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I often wonder if he doesn’t have a hidden agenda…

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Well, that’s all for today folks.  I’m off back to the party.  It’s a grand time we’re having.  Hope you all are having just as much fun and laughter as we are.  May your holiday be safe and may you remember the reason for the long weekend.  Don’t forget to tune in tomorrow for the spectacular Memorial Day Issue.  I know you’ll be impressed, Lethal has been busting his green ass on this for quite a while and I KNOW it will be an issue to remember!

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