<Sneezing fit is heard followed by some impressive nose bugling>
Excuse me folks all this Spring Cleaning, both here of my archives and at Keebler Towers, where the Spring Cleaning ritual has taken on an added dimension due to a impending visit by Molly’s grandparents, has got my allergies getting the best of me. Pardon me a moment… <more nose bugling is heard from behind to podium>
I’m off for a moment to find my friend Mr. Benadryl Caplet and I’ll catch up with you. Go on ahead and get started on the issue. ‘Tis an especially fine end it has today!
A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a young lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a Dahlia
The shape it was fine
And the color divine
But the aroma–well, that was a faihlia
There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
I once took our vicar to tea;
It was just as I thought it would be:
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
A gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn’t be seen.
A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, “I know that its bad,
But I don’t feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other.”
The incredible Wizard of Oz
Retired from his business becoz
due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn’t the Wizard he woz.
There was an old gent from Hyde
Who ate rotten apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside his inside.
Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
“From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale.”
God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,
But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
We trust that the story
Will end in great glory,
But at present the other side’s winning.
Said an envious, erudite ermine,
“There’s one thing I cannot determine:
When a girl wears my coat,
She’s a person of note.
When I wear it, I’m called only vermin.”
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
An elderly man called Keith
Mislaid his set of false teeth –
They’d been laid on a chair,
He’d forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There’s a wonderful family called Stein:
There’s Gert and there’s Ep and there’s Ein.
Gert’s poems are bunk,
Ep’s statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.
and disproving looks from a certain Leprechaun!
Teens blame Michelle Obama for ‘nasty’ lunches
Healthier school lunch options ‘just being thrown out anyway,’ students say
Many teens are fed up with the “nasty” healthier lunches they’re getting at school.
And they blame Michelle Obama.
The healthier school lunch standards have been phased in over the past two years as part of the Healthy and Hunger-Free Kids Act championed by the first lady as a way to combat rising obesity levels among children.
But now some schools are asking to roll back some of the new requirements, saying they’ve been expensive and difficult to put in place.
Teens interviewed by The Wire just want their tater tots back.
“The food even LOOKED more presentable before,” Anthony Gallimore, a high school senior from Georgia, wrote. “And if nobody chooses to eat the gross food, then it can’t possibly be helping anyone. It’s just being thrown out anyway.”
Caitlin Tagner, a high school sophomore from North Carolina, is very clear about who she points the finger at: “I blame Michelle Obama.”
The lunch standards were approved by Congress and the U.S. Department of Agriculture in 2010.
Many of the teens interviewed by The Wire are now bringing their own lunches to school.
OK so let me see if I got it right-
The change part of ‘Hope and Change’ have been things that make us seem week foolish and stupid to other countries. A National Healthcare Plan which no working Adult wants but is being forced fed and made to foot an exorbitant bill for. The force feeding of lunches our children don’t want so they refuse to eat and thereby more money is thrown away wasted as well.
Mean while Obama vacations like its going out of style at $20 mil a clip, our Nuclear deterrent force operated on 45 year old archaic technology and our Military academies where our next generation of protectors are supposed to be learning their craft can get cut $100 mil and the weight of our already crushing national Debt grows even greater.
Seems to me the only hope in that ‘Hope and Change’ is the hope we can as people and a nation can survive the remainder of Obama’s Presidency!
Impish and I hope you remember that only by voting these Obamaphants out of office can we affect change for the better.
Man’s Life Saved Because His Doctor Watched “House”
And they say TV will rot your brain.
A German man with severe heart failure, fever, blindness, deafness, and enlarged lymph nodes went to a medical center for undiagnosed diseases, desperate to be treated by the best as he struggled to understand his unexplained condition.
But his real savior was Hugh Laurie’s irascible charisma.
The 55-year-old man’s deterioration had puzzled other doctors. But Dr. Juergen Schaefer, who treated the man, told the AP he diagnosed the man within five minutes.
Schaefer didn’t rely on medical textbooks to make his (correct) diagnosis. Instead, he used his memory of the U.S. television show House, which ran from 2004 to 2012 on Fox and told the story of a borderline-sociopathic medical doctor whose abrasive personality and generally poor decision making counter-balanced his uncanny ability to solve medical mysteries.
The unidentified man’s case reminded Schaefer of a House episode in which a woman (played by Candice Bergen) comes in suffering from heart failure and it turns out she has cobalt poisoning from her hip joint replacement. The German man, as it turns out, had cobalt poisoning from his hip joint replacement as well.
Schaefer isn’t just a casual House fan. No, he actually teaches medical students using House as a way to explain rare diseases, so the episode was fresh in his memory. And he literally wrote the book on how to apply House the fictional television show to real life medical practice. It’s called Housemedizin: Die Diagnosen von “Dr. House.”
British medical journal Lancet published a report on this unusual case, but did not mention whether lawyers should start consulting Franklin & Bash whilst trying cases with their best buddy.
Finally got the sink fixed…
Not to worry, the left handle does white wine.
To paraphrase W.C. Fields, “I don’t drink water, because fish screw in it.”
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don’t..
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop,
Wine/Beer = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine/beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service!
TOLD YOU it was an especially fine end this week!