Wow and what a week it’s been! Good morning my friends! I hope you all have been well since the last time we spoke. Some of you who live in the east are in the process of being buried under your own snowpocalypse, while those of you who’ve been getting snow in the Midwest are in for a warm up later on in the week. The whole world is a mess! Democrats and republicans getting along, dogs and cats sleeping together, WHAT IS GOING ON???!!!
Okay, I’m sorry. I’m back. Anyway, the weather is changing on us all … again. Lethal in Houston says that he’s getting close to 70° while Wheats in South Carolina had a snow day from work yesterday! And us in Indiana? It got all the way up to 20° yesterday and we don’t expect much more for today.
How would you guys like to do a nationwide comparison…just for the sake of science? Okay, okay, so just for the sake of screwing around, lol. We would need a total of 9 people….maybe. Let’s figure it out.
What we have:
South – Leprechaun in Texas
East – Wheats in South Carolina
Southeast – Dad in Florida
Central – Impish Dragon
What we need:
North – Minnesota maybe?
West – Someone around Colorado?
Northeast – Someone around New York or further north?
Northwest – Someone in Washington, Oregon or Far Northern California?
Southwest – Someone in Southern California or maybe western Arizona?
We could get a weather report and maybe a picture once a week from people and include it in the next Dragon Laffs. Maybe work our way up to a guest section on “What I want to share this week” or “What happened to me” or “You ain’t gonna believe the shit that’s going on around here…”
Just thinking out loud here folks. Why don’t you tell me what you think. Write to me and let me know. If you want to be my representative in a particular area, want to send me something, ask me a question or want to rant to me personally, use this email: firstname.lastname@example.org .
And now, let’s get on with the show!!!
A lot of our friends out there ask the Leprechaun and I what we do to make our days more interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Lethal and I were on one of our numerous missions tours, stopped in a town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a mythical citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket…
I called him an “asshole”.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Lethal called him a “jack-booted, jack-wad with his head so far up his ass, he couldn’t see a heroic mythical creature if he was standing in front of him”.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
I called him an “asshole”. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our armored transport arrived, and we got on it and left.
We always look for cars with “OBAMA” stickers. and try to have a little fun each day.
It’s important for our health.
“I love it when lunch is delivered.”
Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew….
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you do not dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, do not expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle.
21. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
23. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
24. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their breasts stared at.
At Frederick’s of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.
“This is $200,” says the saleswoman, showing him an item.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.
“This one is $350.”
“Sheerer than that.”
“This is the sheerest we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!” he replies.
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”
She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.” So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. “So, how do you like it?” she asks.
He looks at her a moment and says, “Well, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the thing.”
“Don’t get all weird about getting older. Our age is nothing more than the number of years the world has been enjoying us.”
”The world would be a better place if people took a chill-pill. It would be an even better place if some of them choked on it.”
”My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words, he said I needed to reduce the stress in my life, but it’s the same thing, really.”
”I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, well that’s not gonna happen.”
”I’ve been living my life backwards. I wake up in the morning tired. And I go to bed at night wide awake.”
It’s time to get POLITICAL…but in a good and funny way!:
This one is one of my all time favorites, lol!
My question is, and always has been, “why aren’t we more upset about any of this?” Who in the hell decided that we should be making millionaires out of Congressmen? I haven’t known very many millionaires, but it seems to me that there isn’t a one of them who are really in touch with what the “common” working class people go through. It’s time we revamp the pay system for our politicians until they figure out that it is a privilege that they serve at OUR pleasure and not a moment longer. Maybe the best way to do it is for them to rely on their constituents largesse for their livelihood. Do a crappy job and piss us off and don’t represent your people the way you are supposed to and you don’t get paid this month. Hmm, the dragon may have something there…
Ain’t that the truth!! For more about Welfare Recipients and baby making industries being paid for by your tax dollars, see my Last Word today… that would be, um… at the end. Yeah, down at the bottom.
Okay, so did we all get a good laugh or a good cry out of those politically motivated cartoons? Both? Okay, both is okay, I guess. The important part is that hopefully, at least some of them made you think a little bit. Think about what’s truly going on in our world and our country. Lethal and I know that some of our friends out there aren’t from our country, but I hope even you guys realize that what happens here in the United States has some influence on what happens to you in your country. Even if it’s only to the extent that what happens here makes the whole world a little bit scarier place to live then it was before.
Okay, now on with the show.
I shot my first turkey yesterday!
Scared everyone in the frozen food section to death!
It was awesome!
Gettin’ old is so much damn fun…
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, grab a seat, grab a seat. Welcome to the fifth annual Presidential Lies competition. We have a great line up of lies and liars for you today, so if you’d all just take your seats and quiet down, we’ll get started.
I know you all want to cheer on your favorites, but if we don’t settle down we won’t be able to … security! Please escort the Nixon people off the floor. If they can’t maintain even the slightest bit of decorum, then they can continue to watch by the closed-circuit TV out on the front lawn.
Okay, let’s begin…our first entry is from our dear LBJ…
”We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin)”
Nice! Start out with a classic, everyone remembers that line…no? Okay, well, moving on to a crowd favorite Richard Nixon…
”I am not a crook.”
Oh yes! And he goes with a classic line! Straight and to the point, using his most favorite lie of all time. How about that folks? Security, please move Nixon’s people outside and contact maintenance to fix that balcony they just pulled down. Thank you.
Moving on to the great GHW Bush…
”Read my lips – No New Taxes.”
Yes, everyone remembers that wonderful lie, but for a truly memorial lie, our next contestant William Clinton…
”I did not have sex with that woman…Miss Lewinski.”
OUCH! Yeah, that one hurt bad…and still is hurting Hellary…or … um … I mean Hillary. Yikes, Impish Dragon better watch his backside! So, moving on to the next lie, which goes to GW Bush…
“Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.”
Everyone remembers … oh wait … I’m being contacted by the judges … OH! They are throwing the WMD statement out under the ruling that it has since been proven that that is NOT a lie! They are citing the 2013 chemical attack by the Syrian government on the rebels where the chemical weapons actually originated in Iraq and were moved to Syria so they couldn’t be found by the troops on the ground. Geez! I’m sorry to all of you who had that marked on your ballots as a favorite, but the judges rulings are final.
Moving on to today’s favorite: Barry Obama…
”I will have the most transparent administration in history.”
”The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.”
”I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.”
”The IRS is not targeting anyone.”
”It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.”
”If I had a son.”
”I will put an end to the type of politics that ‘breeds division, conflict and cynicism’.”
”You didn’t build that!”
”I will restore trust in Government.”
”The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.”
”The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk.”
”It’s not my red line – it is the world’s red line.”
”Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.”
”We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.”
”I am not spying on American citizens.”
”Obama Care will be good for America.”
”You will keep your family doctor.”
”Premiums will be lowered by $2500.”
”If you like it, you can keep your current health care plan.”
”It’s like shopping at Amazon.”
”I knew nothing about ‘Fast and Furious’ gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.”
”I knew nothing about the IRS targeting conservative groups.”
”I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi.”
”I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.”
”And, I have never lived with that uncle. (He finally admitted [05 Dec 13] that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.)
**And the biggest lie of all…**
”I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America.”
Ladies and gentlemen… I believe we have a CLEAR winner in this years liar of the year contest! Thank you all for your attendance, your participation and your interest. Now, get your asses home and locked down before they come for you, too!!!
Like going after a fumble!
Again, I’d like to thank Ginny for keeping me fully supplied with these observations. They are so much fun to go through and read, I just have to share the better ones with our friends…
Shirley Temple has passed away. And millions of younger Americans wonder why her parents named her after a drink.
Former President George H.W. Bush saluted former child star Shirley Temple Black, who died at age 85. To which his son George W. Bush said he had no idea she could act, he thought she just made a really good drink.
North Korea canceled its invite to allow a U.S. envoy to come visit with Kim Jung Un. There is bruised pride involved. Kim is furious ever since his envoy came back from Mandela’s funeral and reported to him that Dennis Rodman and President Obama are two different people.
Copenhagen Zoo angered animal rights activists Sunday by killing a giraffe and feeding it to lions in the next cage. Customers watched the whole thing. The zoo director won’t be fired because under today’s law, a full-time job is protected under the Endangered Species Act.
CBS News reporter Leslie Stahl editorialized Friday that when Obamacare reduces people to working less than thirty hours a week, it will help to bring families closer together. It’s certainly true. Studio apartments don’t give families any choice but to grow closer together.
President Obama dodged a question about the Senate report saying the Benghazi attack was preventable. The aftermath is still foggy. President Obama now freely admits the Benghazi attack was not caused by an anti-Muslim video, it was caused by Fox News coverage.
Sochi’s Olympic Village was ringed by Russian troops as international jet-setters began socializing on opening night. Guard towers have sniper rifles equipped with facial recognition software. The Sochi Olympics look like a trap that’s designed to capture James Bond.
Pope Francis auctioned his Harley Davidson in Paris and raised a half million dollars for a Rome soup kitchen Friday. Last year he sold his Mercedes Pope-mobile. Pope Francis now drives around Rome in a Ford Focus, so apparently he takes that vow of celibacy very seriously.
Speaker John Boehner pulled the plug on Immigration Reform, saying President Obama can’t be trusted to seal the U.S. border if agreed. The detainees are piling up. Thousands of illegal aliens are being detained in Arizona, and all they want is to return home to Los Angeles.
Russian security agents are on the lookout for Chechen Black Widow suicide bombers at the Olympic Games. These women are driven. When female suicide bombers die, they get seventy-two single, caring, sensitive men who will listen to them and remember their birthdays.
Russian security forces announced security measures to ensure public safety at the Sochi Olympic Games. They said they’ll open every letter, scan every Facebook post, read every e-mail and monitor every telephone call in the country. It’s their way of making the Americans feel at home.
Russian speed skater Olga Graf won a bronze in the 3000 meters. Exhausted, hot and excited after her race, she unzipped her suit down to her waist – forgetting she didn’t have anything on underneath. Graf quickly rezipped the suit before she completely flashed the crowd. But have to think ratings may go up for her next race.
Hillary Clinton spoke to Hispanic families at a N.Y. book store Monday. She urged Hispanic parents to read more to their kids to help sharpen their language skills to help them catch up. She then asked Asian parents to ease up on math and give the rest of us a chance to catch up.
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camo.
Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles and says, “I’m going hunting with you”. Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant – much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Jake starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get the #$%^ away from my deer!”
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get the #$%^ away from my deer!” ,followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, “Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!”
Thinking about this and how common this situation must be has really begun to chap my ass. Lethal sent me the beginnings of this on Thursday and I have chewed on it ever since.
What a shame it is that every couple of years, New Orleans loses one of it’s renowned Entrepreneurs. So very touching.
Okay, so before we get started, let’s make sure we have our players straight.
His Companion : Kawanner Armstrong
His Sons : Christian Allen
Larmondo Allen, Jr.
His Daughters : Deidra Allen
So, by age 25, our young entrepreneur has 9 children. Got that?
His Father: Burnell Thompson
His Mother: Esther Allen
His Stepfather: Bruce Gordy
His Brothers: Burnell Thompson
His Sisters: Shannail Craig
Grandparents: Delors Allen
Anna Laura Thompson
Okay, so you have all that straight? You sure? Wanna review before we move on? Okay, so now for the rest of the story…
He was 25 years old, had 3 sons and 6 daughters. That’s 9 welfare recipients collecting $950 each, which means $8,550 a month! A MONTH!
Now, add Food Stamps, Free Medical, Free School Lunches, and so on…
Do the math and you get over $102,000 a year! Anyone out there sitting on their ass while reading this e-zine making a hundred grand a year for doing nothing? (Well, almost nothing. You do have to find a bunch of baby mamas to impregnate first.) Sounds like an entrepreneur to me!
Also, because of their fathers death, all of the kids will collect social security until they are 18!
Even better! If “Flair’s” 13 brothers and sisters followed his entrepreneurial strategy, that’s an additional $1.3 million per year!
But, we’re not done yet! Oh yes, there’s more!!!
What if all 13 brothers and sisters duplicated his feat of 9 welfare strategists that breeds 117 new welfare recipients collecting $100,00 per year for a total of $11.7 million per year! Eleven Million, Seven Hundred Thousand dollars each and every year! AND THAT IS ONLY ONE FAMILY!!!!! That one family would take 100% of all the taxes paid by over 1,000 average taxpayers.
Let’s take a look at some welfare statistics:
Total # of Americans on Welfare—————12,800,000
Total # of Americans of food stamps———–46,700,000
Percent of the US population on welfare——–4.1%
Total government spending on welfare annually—$131.9 billion
Okay, that means that the average annual income from welfare alone is a little more than $10,300 per person. But, it’s not evenly split. Each state is a little different. For instance, in Hawaii, welfare is the equivalent of having an hourly wage of $17.50 per hour (#1) and in Virginia it is $11.11 an hour (#10) all the way down to Mississippi (#51) at $5.53 an hour.
Now for some very interesting statistics: (I’ll wager that it will be VERY surprising for most of us)
Percent of recipients who are white——–38.8%
Percent of recipients who are black——–39.8%
Percent of recipients who are Hispanic—–15.7%
Percent of recipients who are Asians——–2.4%
Percent of recipients who are Other———3.3%
Surprised? I was. Preconceived expectations.
Over 12 million people on welfare…how many of them really should be on welfare? How many of them would still be on welfare if we required urine testing for drug abuse and surprise random testing thereafter?
I don’t know. I’ve had as many surprising self-revelations writing this from start to finish as is possible. I hope this has been revealing for you, as well.