Dragon Laffs #1344


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Good morning campers!
No real depth to worry about today.  Just some little pointed things and lots of fun.  What the hell am I talking about? Read on, dear camper, read on and laff!

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A couple of golf jokes for my Dan and any of you other golfers out there:

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before.”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, its a compass!”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, it’s a sin any day of the week!”

Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”

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This one is from the Make Use Of website, which you can visit at http://makeuseof.com and is so funny and apropos to our website.
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An old doctor and his nurse were on the train, going to a medical
conference.  Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow.

“I wonder what’s the matter with him?” asked the nurse.

“He’s a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers
badly from hemorrhoids,” replied the doctor.

“Well, why he’s scratching his elbow?” asked the puzzled nurse.

“Oh, he’s a congressman, and he doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.”

Okay, I’m sorry, but if my dentist or dental assistant came at me with one of these masks on, it would scare the hell out of me!

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On Coast Guard Cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an un-frosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley. Frantically, the cook began to look around. “Where did my cornbread go?” he shouted.

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Karl listened from the other room as his wife, Holly, patiently said to their five-year-old, “Please pick up your toys, Maureen.” After a few minutes, Holly again reminded their daughter. Finally Holly asked, “Why aren’t you picking your things up?” Karl rolled his eyes when he heard Maureen answer, “I’m playing house and I’m the dad, so I don’t know where anything goes.”

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My husband, Larry, and I were looking after our three-year-old granddaughter, Kathie, over the a pre-school break. “Can I have a cookie?” Kathie asked Larry. “Ask nicely,” he replied. “Can I may I have a cookie, please?” she asked. Smiling, Larry began to explain how can and may were not both required, then asked her to try it again. “Can I may I have a cookie, please?” Larry again tried to explain grammar to her in spite of my signals not to bother. She heard him out politely, then turned to me and asked, “Is he going to get me that cookie or what?”

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Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?” After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”

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Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father’s eye. Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, “Son, I love you very much.Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” His father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan said, “Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it’s yours.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line. Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan said, “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.” His father bought him Disney Studios. Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan said, “Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get for you.” His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.” His father bought him the Democratic Party!

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Miriam gets married and a year later goes into hospital and gives birth to triplets. All her family and friends are shocked when they hear the news — they know of no one who has had triplets before. As soon as she hears the news, Miriam’s mother-in-law Fay goes to visit her daughter-in-law in hospital. As soon as she arrives, Fay hands over the bunch of grapes and says, “What a surprise, Miriam. No one on our side of the family has ever had twins before, let alone triplets.” “Yes, it was a bit of a shock,” replies Miriam, “but I’m getting over it. By the way, my doctor tells me that triplets only happen once every hundred thousand times.” “Oy vey, Miriam,” says Fay, “how on earth did you find the time to do your housework?”

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Thanks to our dear friend Lethal Leprechaun for catching this on Friday and getting it to me fast enough for today’s issue.  Please, if you are a pet owner, click on the link and check out the article…for your pet’s sake.
PET FOOD RECALL: Iams, Eukanuba dog and cat dry food

Published On: Aug 15 2013 03:04:48 PM CDT
 

WASHINGTON –

More than 20 different types of dry pet food has been recalled over concerns it was tainted with salmonella.

The Procter & Gamble Company said all of the recalled products are either Eukanuba or Iams brands that were made at the same manufacturing site within a 10-day window.

P&G said no pets have gotten sick from the food, but they issued the voluntary recall because they said there is a possibility they could be contaminated.

 

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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History. The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mike. “Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?” Bob nodded with a cocky confidence — the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a question all week. “Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?” Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it safe. “I’ll try the easier part first.” The MC nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.” The audience grew silent with gross anticipation… “Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”

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