Would the General Manager of the Camp Ground please conduct a head count, find out who’s missing and check the local places…jail, half-way houses, and double check the brothels for anyone passed out under the beds. You know the way Katie likes to hide some of them under the beds before she’s done with them. Give me a head count by close of business today.
Anyone know of anyone who hasn’t made it back to the campground yet?
No, Lethal’s fine. I’ve got good track on him.
No, I don’t know exactly where he’s at, he disabled the gps function on his health monitor but I know he’s still fine.
Anyway, it’s time to get this party started, so without further ado, let’s get started laffing!
My poor friend Lethal. Dude, I found out why it’s been so hot for you. I’m really sorry. I’m not sure why, but this seems to be the what’s causing it. Dude, I’m sure it’s not you the Big Guy is angry at, but you need to look around your area and figure it out.
Welcome To The 21st Century
1 –Our Phones ~ Wireless
2 –Cooking ~ Fireless
3 –Cars ~ Keyless
4 –Food ~ Fatless
5 –Tires ~ Tubeless
6 –Dress ~ Sleeveless
7 –Youth ~ Jobless
8 –Leaders ~ Shameless
9 –Relationships ~ Meaningless
10 –Attitude ~ Careless
11 –Babies ~ Fatherless
12 –Feelings ~ Heartless
13 –Education ~ Valueless
14 –Children ~ Mannerless
15 –Everything Has Becoming LESS but still our hopes are endless.
16 –In Fact We Are Speechless
17 –And Obama Has Always Been CLUELESS /
CLASSLESS / AND USELESS!!!
But, Then Again, I Could Be Wrong. A bout The First 16 Things,
The most famous World Series opening pitch in history.
President Bush throws out the first ball. Remember, this was right after 9/11
If you don’t do anything else today, just watch this …. it’s great!
This is destined to be a classic. The relationship between men and women, husbands and wives, siblings, partners, friends, you name it! Everyone should be able to appreciate this one! And remember, for crying-out-loud, you HAVE to go to the website to view this and all the other videos you see in the email! http://dragonlaffs.com
The following is my weekly, obligatory attempt to open the eyes of the misinformed, open the mind of the misguided and do with a smile and a laugh…
Think about these next couple, please?
And the one that ought to piss us off the most.
And the fact that the bastard and his cronies have taken almost 40% of my income away from me. He’s going on vacation and I’m choosing between medicine and food.
A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner. His wife screams, “You asshole! My hair & makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren’t done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the hell did you bring him home?”
“‘Cause he’s thinking of getting married…”
Good News From the White House
Concerning Pensions and Benefits.
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
If I Hear Anything Else, I’ll Let You Know.
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”
Great sports quotes. You gotta love these:
– Doug Sanders, professional golfer
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”
– Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
– Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
– Tommy Lasorda, LA Dodgers manager
My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.
– Vic Braden, tennis instructor
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
– Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
– Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery
I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
– Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
– John Breen, Houston Oilers
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
– Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
– Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
– Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
– Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
– Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
– Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
– Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
– Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
– Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
– George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
Thanks for these last ones dad, they made me laugh … a lot!
And in return, a special golf joke, just for you…
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde approached them she asked the trio if she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.
REMEMBER . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!
~ John Glenn*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible, and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible, and they had the land.~ Desmond Tutu*****America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.~ David Letterman*****Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right, and you can walk all over them for thirty years.~ Betsy Salkind*****The only reason they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.~ Jean Kerr*****I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.~ Zsa Zsa Gabor*****You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.~ Jeff Foxworthy*****When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.~ Prince Philip*****A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.~ Emo Philips.*****Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.~ Harrison Ford*****The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.~ Spike Milligan*****Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.~ Robin Hall*****Kill one man, and you’re a murderer. Kill a million, and you’re a conqueror.~ Jean Rostand.*****Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I’m just as happy as when I only had 49 million.~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.*****We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.~ WH Auden*****If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today, and all the Elvis impersonators would be dead.~ Johnny Carson*****I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius, and we’re very skeptical.~ Arthur C Clarke*****Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.~ Steve Martin*****Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.~ Jimmy Durante*****America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.~ Doug Hamwell*****The first piece of luggage arriving on the carousel never belongs to anyone.~ George Roberts*****If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport~ Jonathan Winters*****I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.~ Robert Benchley
THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING
The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo , and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.
These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards theAlamo.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we, by any chance, having any landscaping done today?”
The following takes place at the License Bureau
“Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.”
“Tim and Jim Jones.”
“Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance.”
“Yes, we’re brothers.”
“Brothers?? You can’t get married.”
“Why not?? Aren’t you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?”
“Yes, thousands. But we haven’t had any siblings. That’s incest!”
“Incest?” No, we are not gay.”
“Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?”
“For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don’t have any other prospects.”
“But we’re issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who’ve been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.”
“Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.”
“And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?”
“All right, all right. I’ll give you your license.
“Hi. We are here to get married.”
“John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.”
“Who wants to marry whom?”
“We all want to marry each other.”
“But there are four of you!”
“That’s right. You see, we’re all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.”
“But we’ve only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.”
“So you’re discriminating against bisexuals!”
“No, it’s just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it’s just for couples.”
“Since when are you standing on tradition?”
“Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.”
“Who says?? There’s no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!”
“All right, all right. Here’s your license.”
“Hello, I’d like a marriage license.”
“In what names?”
“And the other man?”
“That’s all. I want to marry myself.”
“Marry yourself?? What do you mean?”
“Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two personalities together. Then I can file a joint income-tax return.”
“That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!”
Here’s a great video!
Okay, this one is scary as hell! Mother Nature’s way of saying “Surprise!”
Well, folks. That’s all I have for today. No Last Word. Gotta go catch up on some much needed rest. Take care, write soon and be well.