Dragon Laffs #1337


Header70Good Morning Campers!

I hope everyone had a great holiday and are continuing to have a good holiday weekend. 

Would the General Manager of the Camp Ground please conduct a head count, find out who’s missing and check the local places…jail, half-way houses, and double check the brothels for anyone passed out under the beds.  You know the way Katie likes to hide some of them under the beds before she’s done with them.  Give me a head count by close of business today.

Anyone know of anyone who hasn’t made it back to the campground yet?
Lethal?
No, Lethal’s fine.  I’ve got good track on him. 
No, I don’t know exactly where he’s at, he disabled the gps function on his health monitor but I know he’s still fine.

Anyway, it’s time to get this party started, so without further ado, let’s get started laffing!

My poor friend Lethal.  Dude, I found out why it’s been so hot for you.  I’m really sorry.  I’m not sure why, but this seems to be the what’s causing it.  Dude, I’m sure it’s not you the Big Guy is angry at, but you need to look around your area and figure it out.

5

 

Welcome To The 21st Century

1 –Our Phones ~ Wireless

2 –Cooking ~ Fireless

3 –Cars ~ Keyless

4 –Food ~ Fatless

5 –Tires ~ Tubeless

6 –Dress ~ Sleeveless

7 –Youth ~ Jobless

8 –Leaders ~ Shameless

9 –Relationships ~ Meaningless

10 –Attitude ~ Careless

11 –Babies ~ Fatherless

12 –Feelings ~ Heartless

13 –Education ~ Valueless

14 –Children ~ Mannerless

15 –Everything Has Becoming LESS but still our hopes are endless.

16 –In Fact We Are Speechless

17 –And Obama Has Always Been CLUELESS /
CLASSLESS / AND USELESS!!!

But, Then Again, I Could Be Wrong. A bout The First 16 Things,

 

  7

The most famous World Series opening pitch in history.
President Bush throws out the first ball.  Remember, this was right after 9/11
If you don’t do anything else today, just watch this …. it’s    great!

8

This is destined to be a classic.  The relationship between men and women, husbands and wives, siblings, partners, friends, you name it!  Everyone should be able to appreciate this one!  And remember, for crying-out-loud, you HAVE to go to the website to view this and all the other videos you see in the email!  http://dragonlaffs.com

9

Pun Queen

A recent survey asked 800 California women if they were sexually active last month.  Half said yes. The other half were married women. 
 
An army nurse went to bed eating popcorn and woke up with a kernel between her legs. 
 
There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly, and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheik.
 
If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?
 
My boyfriend makes love like how he drives. He pulls out without seeing if anybody else is coming.
 
The worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid is, “No, she isn’t!”
She was only the Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.
Bilingual: A person who enjoys giving oral sex to both men and women.
 
She was only the Doctor’s daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.
 
I’m not saying she’s a slut, but she’s been on more wieners than Heinz Ketchup.
 
The difference between a boxer and a woman is a boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up.
 
Scientists have discovered that bats usually eat flies that are having sex. Who knew it was so dangerous to fly united?
 
I’m not saying she’s a slut, but her and fireworks have a lot in common: they’re both banging in the street.
 
She was only the Flag-wavers daughter, but she’d let her standards down for anyone.
 
I haven’t been this excited since my pager got stuck on vibrate!    
 
She was only the Clergyman’s daughter, but you couldn’t put anything pastor.

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The following is my weekly, obligatory attempt to open the eyes of the misinformed, open the mind of the misguided and do with a smile and a laugh…
Think about these next couple, please?

3a
3b
3c

3d

And the one that ought to piss us off the most. 

3e

And the fact that the bastard and his cronies have taken almost 40% of my income away from me. He’s going on vacation and I’m choosing between medicine and food.

Impish Dragon Remains a Proud Member of the
1b1
A story about a really good friend!!!

A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner. His wife screams, “You asshole! My hair & makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren’t done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the hell did you bring him home?”

‘Cause he’s thinking of getting married…”

Well, it’s finally happened.  The first F-117, Stealth Fighter has made it to the boneyard outside of Davis Montham Air Force Base in Arizona. 
3

Good News From the White House

Concerning Pensions and Benefits.

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا

نيست نقش

If I Hear Anything Else, I’ll Let You Know.

10a
Wonderfully funny and sweet, by the classiest First Lady EVER! 
The problem with socks, by Barbara Bush

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A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”

11Or at least on bushes?

Great sports quotes.  You gotta love these:

Working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.
– Doug Sanders, professional golfer

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”
– Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
– Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles.  Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
– Tommy Lasorda, LA Dodgers manager

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget. 

– E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play.  If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.
– Vic Braden, tennis instructor

Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
– Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball.  They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
– Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery

I don’t know.  I only played there for nine years. 
– Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

We were tipping off our plays.  Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
– John Breen, Houston Oilers

The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
– Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
– Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
– Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
– Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day. 
– Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
– Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
– Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
– Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
– Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
– George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

Thanks for these last ones dad, they made me laugh … a lot! 
golf
And in return, a special golf joke, just for you…
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde approached them she asked the trio if she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

“Thanks fellas. By the way, I dance in a topless bar so not much shocks me. If you want to smoke, drink, bet, swear, tell off-colour jokes or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But listen, I consider myself a decent player, so please don’t try to coach me.”
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.  All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a wedge and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”
The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak since I’ve left a tricky little putt.”  She then sunk the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, her drive landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par and had a nasty 12-foot putt for a par. 
She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.  If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Scotch, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.”
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”
The grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”
The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?”

REMEMBER . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

coollogo_com-2526424A RackDarwgreatguardsHe died

Great Quotes!

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind.  Every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible, and we had the land.  They said ‘Let us pray.’  We closed our eyes.  When we opened them, we had the Bible, and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
Men are like linoleum floors.  Lay ’em right, and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man, and you’re a murderer.  Kill a million, and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn’t make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars, but I’m just as happy as when I only had 49 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today, and all the Elvis impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don’t believe in astrology.  I am a Sagittarius, and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage arriving on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania.  When it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

96

THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING  
The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the  main floor of the Alamo , and walked up to the observation  post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  
 These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards theAlamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we, by any chance, having any landscaping done today?”

97

The following takes place at the License Bureau

 

 “Next.”
“Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.”

“Names?”

“Tim and Jim Jones.”

“Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance.”

“Yes, we’re brothers.”

“Brothers?? You can’t get married.”

“Why not?? Aren’t you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?”

“Yes, thousands. But we haven’t had any siblings. That’s incest!”

“Incest?” No, we are not gay.”

“Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?”

“For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.  Besides, we don’t have any other prospects.”

“But we’re issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who’ve been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.”

“Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.”

“And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?”

“All right, all right. I’ll give you your license.

Next.”

“Hi. We are here to get married.”

Names?”

“John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.”

“Who wants to marry whom?”

“We all want to marry each other.”

“But there are four of you!”

“That’s right. You see, we’re all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.”

“But we’ve only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.”

“So you’re discriminating against bisexuals!”

“No, it’s just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it’s just for couples.”

“Since when are you standing on tradition?”

“Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.”

“Who says?? There’s no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!”

“All right, all right. Here’s your license.”

“Next.”

“Hello, I’d like a marriage license.”

“In what names?”

“David Deets.”

“And the other man?”

“That’s all. I want to marry myself.”

“Marry yourself?? What do you mean?”

“Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two personalities together. Then I can file a joint income-tax return.”

“That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!”

98

Science answers how & why the Kansas Crows died
I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Topeka , KS and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. Kansas then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say “Cah”, but none could say “Truck.”
Have a nice day.. You don’t have to thank me for this information.

99

Here’s a great video!

Okay, this one is scary as hell! Mother Nature’s way of saying “Surprise!”

100

Well, folks.  That’s all I have for today.  No Last Word.  Gotta go catch up on some much needed rest.  Take care, write soon and be well.
Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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