Leprechaun Laughs # 199 for Wednesday June 26th 2013


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Before we get started this morning I’m required by our Legal Department to read you this Potential Lack of Privacy & Violation of Your Civil Rights by Third Parties Beyond Our Control Disclaimer/Warning:

In so much as both Impish and myself are Veterans, and therefore according to former Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano ‘possible homegrown terrorists’ and given the fact that we are in this blog openly critical of the present Liberal Administration, President Obama and the majority of the ranking Democrats in Congress, it has been deemed highly likely that we fall within the 51% probability criteria rating for the NSA to be paying close attention not only to us and this blog but to those who choose to associate themselves with us and this blog.

That’s right boys and girls according to a true American Patriot and Governmental Whistle Blower now in exile, ex-CIA employee Edward Snowden, an American who has leaked details of top-secret U.S. surveillance programs all that is required for the NSA to without court supervision totally disregard your privacy and civil rights is literally a search criteria response of a flip of a coin plus 1 percent probability that you might be a ‘threat’ or ‘foreigner’!

So before you continue on boys & girls please be mindful that Obama’s ‘Hope & Change‘ coupled with his promise of ‘Transparency’ has brought about this new world where everything you think, do, say or read can and will be monitored, cataloged and record for use against you at some future time.

OBEY

Pay no attention to the Big Brother/NSA agent behind your firewall! He’s not snooping with out a warrant or violating your civil rights, he’s just there to protect you from yourself.

opening logo 7

 

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There’s the prime reason I’ve been drinking so much Dunkin Donuts coffee lately.

Red Bull

5 Signs You’re Over-Caffeinated

Can’t seem to get going in the morning without a jolt? If you recognize these signs, you may be consuming too much caffeine.

[Well maybe for the REST of you mere mortal readers but not Impish or I! That is beyond possible for us mythical creatures!]

1.) You Can’t Count Cups

You may have heard that a cup of coffee averages 100 milligrams of caffeine, but remember a cup is only 8 fluid ounces. How large is your cup of morning Joe? You might need to do some number crunching.

Count CUPS?! Pfhtt! Amateurs! We count POTS here at DL/LL Enterprises- though we TRY to keep them countable on one hand…each

2.) You’re Not Sleeping Enough

There’s no disputing that caffeine is a stimulant and some folks find that they are more sensitive to it than others. Be smart – if you know that taking in caffeine later in the day disrupts your sleep – skip it and get some zzzzzz’s.

TRUST ME, when Impish or I are losing sleep it has NOTHING to do with caffeine and everything to do with either chronic pain or work/home related stress.

3.) You’re Dehydrated

Caffeine affects people differently. For some, the buzz of caffeine causes the kidneys to release more fluid. Make sure the amount of caffeine in your diet isn’t leading to dehydration.

OR like me just decrease your diuretic and save money on your prescriptions! I get WAY more enjoyment out of a cuppa than washing down some little nasty tasting with pill with water!

4.) You Don’t Know Where Caffeine is Hiding

 Coffee, tea and soda are obvious sources, but there’s also caffeine in chocolate, bottled iced teas and energy drinks. Even drinks labeled “caffeine-free” or “decaffeinated” contain small amounts. Many over-the-counter and prescription medications contain caffeine too. The FDA recently launched an investigation to further study the large number of food manufactured adding caffeine to products like gum, jelly beans, yogurt and even waffles.
Get a full list of caffeinated foods and bevies from CSPI .

What’s CSPI? Oh just another know it all group attempting to protect you from you. Okay, that might be a bit harsh. The spoonful of alphabet stands for ‘Center for Science in the Public Interest’ where they’re stated goal is to transform your diet into one they deem acceptable- to Scientists and Nutritionists that is.

Humm… you know, maybe I WASN’T that harsh with my initial description after all!

Link to the list? OF COURSE I have it for you! http://www.cspinet.org/new/cafchart.htm

5.) You’re Topping 500 Milligrams

 Slurping down too much caffeine can also cause nervousness, irritability, stomach upset, and muscle tremors. While it’s still unclear whether caffeine is truly addictive for everyone – coffee drinkers who’ve kicked the habit may beg to differ. Researchers at Johns Hopkins University have identified a handful of symptoms consistent with “caffeine-withdrawal syndrome.” The amount of caffeine in five cups of coffee (or less for some stronger varieties) has been associated with a variety of symptoms including stomach upset, headaches, birth defects in pregnant women, nervousness and irritability. For this reason, it’s vital to take inventory of ALL the ways caffeine makes its way into your body and cap it below the 500 mark.

The real trick is to cap it below that level, but KEEP it there, kinda like a weekend long beer buzz when you carefully space the beers out to maintain the buzz without crossing over the threshold into slobberingly drunk.

I keep trying to teach Impish this technique but sadly fail miserably every time.

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Special Announce GRaphic

PSA Recall

: A sampling of product labels being recalled by Natura Pet Products (Credit: Steve Grzanich)

A sampling of product labels being recalled by Natura Pet Products

 CHICAGO (CBS) — Nebraska-based Natura Pet Products has announced a new voluntary recall of multiple brands of dry pet food and treats. The decision comes after a positive test for Salmonella on April 3.

This is the latest in a series of recalls involving the company in the past year.

According to the Food and Drug Administration, the recall involves Innova Dry dog and cat food, biscuits, bars, treats. Evo dry pets foods and treats, California Natural dry pet foods and treats, Healthwise, Karma and Mother Nature brands — all lot codes and all package sizes. The products generally have expiration dates prior to June 10, 2014.

The FDA says Salmonella can affect animals eating the products and there is a risk to humans if they handle the contaminated pet products. Expert say it’s important to thoroughly wash hands after having contact with the products or any surfaces exposed to these products.

The FDA says pets with Salmonella infections may be lethargic and have diarrhea or bloody diarrhea, fever, and vomiting. Other pets will experience decreased appetite, fever and abdominal pain.

According to a news release issued by the FDA, the Natura products in question were were packaged in a single production facility. The positive test for Salmonella came during routine FDA testing. So far there have been no reports of pet or human illness associated with products involved in this latest recall.

Natura says the affected products were sold at veterinary clinics, select pet specialty retailers, and online in the U.S. and Canada. No canned wet food is affected by the recall.

For more information, visit www.fda.gov and naturapet.com/recall.

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English Reading Test

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person can’t do it.

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and see if you can resist passing along the URL for this page to all your friends.

 

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Irish Wedding
At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…”Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

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QUICK! Someone attach a  generator to J. Edgar Hoover’s lead lined coffin! He must be spinning in his grave with jealousy his porn collection has been surpassed!

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!

https://i1.wp.com/static.neatorama.com/images/2013-06/nsa-kids-books-theres-waldo.jpg

For those who don’t get it, the logo in the upper right corner belongs to the NSA

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”.

Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money!

Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.  

Chcuk noirris NSA Spying

GO GET ‘EM CHUCK!

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “Do you know who the father is?”

The prostitute said, “if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

Easy Jet
Paddy calls Easy Jet to book a flight.

The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?”

Paddy replies “How do I know! It’s your fokin plane!”

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The Top 5 Signs the Government Is Spying on You

  1. The TiVo is recording YOU.
  2. During sex, your wife suddenly says, “Please to speak into my vagina more loudly.”
  3. Based on the number of vans parked out front, your neighbor across the street scheduled appointments for utility work, cable service, pest control, floral delivery, tree trimming and mobile dog grooming today.
  4. The Surgeon General name-checks you in a speech about STD prevention.

#1 Sign the Government Is Spying on You…

  1. Your baby keeps pooping tiny microphones.

2013 Chris White @ humorlabs.com

https://i0.wp.com/a.abcnews.com/images/Technology/ht_nsa_prism_data_collection_graphic_thg_130607_wg.jpg

Marriage Points System

Funny Marriage Points System Wedding Cake

Simple Duties
  • You make sure there’s plenty of gas in the car ( +1)
  • You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station (-1)
  • You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1)
  • You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away (-1)
  • You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish (+1)
  • You leave dishes in the sink (-1)
  • You leave them under the bed (-5)
  • You make the bed (+1)
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
  • You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (0)
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
  • You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
  • But return with beer (-5)
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (0)
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)
  • You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
  • It’s her father … Or her pet (-10)
Social Engagements
  • You stay by her side the entire party (0)
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
  • Named Tiffany (-4)
  • Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
  • Tiffany has implants (or looks like it) (-8)
  • When mingling, you hold your mate’s hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
  • When mingling, you introduce her as “the old’ ball and chain” and pat her on the rump (-5)
  • When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you” (+1)
  • When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she’s attractive, you say, “Yeah, but don’t worry, she’s lousy in bed” (-6)
  • That woman is her sister (-90)
  • You have one drink, and that’s it (0)
  • You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
  • You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
  • You unclog a stopped-up toilet (+6)
  • You clean up cat, dog or human vomit (+7)
  • You get rid of a dead rodent (+8)
  • You remove the collie from the thresher (+12)
  • You take her mother to see Cats (+16)
Saturday Afternoon
  • You go to the mall together (+3)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional (0)
  • You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
  • Most of it chips and beer (-6)
  • You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
  • Or refinishing the floors (+16)
  • Or rewiring the basement (+17)
  • Or adding a second floor (+18)
  • Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)
  • And you’re tickled pink about it (-15)
  • You visit her parents (+1)
  • You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
  • You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
  • And the television is off (-6)
  • You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
  • And you didn’t even go to college (-10)
  • And it’s not your underwear (-15)
Her Birthday
  • You take her out to dinner (0)
  • You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
  • Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
  • And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
  • It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
  • You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
  • You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
  • And you stink (+2)
  • And you’re not half bad (+5)
  • You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you’re escorted out to much applause (-2)
  • You give her a gift (0)
  • You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance (-10)
  • You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance (+1)
  • You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate (+2)
  • You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months (+30)
  • You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
  • With her credit card (-30)
  • And whatever you bought is two sizes too big (-40)
Thoughtfulness
  • You forget her birthday completely (-10)
  • You forget your anniversary (-20)
  • You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
  • Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
  • And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)
A Night Out With The Boys
  • Go out with a pal (-5)
  • The pal is happily married (-4)
  • Or frighteningly single (-7)
  • And he drives a Mustang (-10)
  • With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)
A Night Out
  • You take her to a movie (+2)
  • You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
  • You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
  • You take her to a movie you like (-2)
  • It’s called Death Cop 3 (-3)
  • Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
  • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
  • You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too” (-800)
Grooming
  • You trim your nails (+5)
  • You trim your nails in the living room (-10)
  • You trim your nails and flick them at the cat (-15)
  • You shave on the weekends (+2)
  • You don’t shave on the weekends (-4)
  • You don’t bathe on the weekends either (-8)
  • But then, neither does she (-1)
Driving
  • You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
  • You lost the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
  • You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
  • You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
  • You know them (-60)
The Big Question
  • She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
    (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
  • You hesitate in responding (-10)
  • You reply, “Where?” (-35)
  • Any other response (-30)

(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, “I Love You, honey…”)

Communication
  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
  • When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
  • You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
  • She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)

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Puntasmagoria

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

There was a young girl named O’Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn’t tally.

Three chicks on the corner, delicious
But something about them’s suspicious
I asked, “Are you ‘hos?”
They answered with “nos”
You fool, can’t you see we ambitious”

A guillotine worker named Jay
Got laid off just the other day.
When heads started to roll,
He pursued just one goal:
He wanted his severance pay.

Said Madam at small house of sin,
On greeting at door, two large men,
“I’m busy tonight
Although things are tight
Perhaps I can squeeze you both in.”

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HOW GOD CREATED TEXANS

When God created the world for humankind to prosper and multiply, he decided to give each group two virtues. As an example, he made Japanese people patient and hardworking, he made Germans tenacious and studious, HE made Americans organized and pragmatic, and so on.

When GOD considered Texans, He told the record-keeping angel, “Texans are going to be intelligent, honest and democrats.

When GOD finished creating the world, the angel noticed that GOD had given every group two virtues excepting Texans, who had received three. The angel thought that this would give the Texans an unfair advantage over the other groups of human beings. He pointed this out to GOD. GOD said, “Oh, my goodness, you are certainly right, but since virtues given by GOD cannot be changed, we shall do the following: From now on Texans will keep three virtues, however, they can only use two at a Time.”

This dictum explains why:

* A Texan, who is a democrat and honest, cannot be intelligent.

* One, who is intelligent and democrat, cannot be honest.

* AND ONE, WHO IS INTELLIGENT AND HONEST, CAN NEVER BE A DEMOCRAT!

* This is why most Texans are REPUBLICANS!!!

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ACLU sues over NSA phone records collection program

HALLE-FREAKING-LUJAH! BEGORRAH IT’S A BLOODY MIRACLE! 

FINALLY those headline grabbing liberal whining weenies at the ACLU momentarily remembered what the hell they were created for in the first bloody place! No not the touchy feely crap or the ‘we have to respect atheist cause prayer in schools offends them’ and the ‘can we not just ignore our boarders, our laws and the contempt illegals show for them and welcome them lest we have no lawn services or domestic help’ crap they’ve been dumping on us but honest to GOD defense of our Civil and Constitutional rights from an over reaching government!

NEW YORK — Two prominent civil rights groups have filed a lawsuit against the National Security Agency over its program that reportedly collects the telephone records of millions of American customers of Verizon.
The American Civil Liberties Union and the New York Civil Liberties Union say in a lawsuit filed in federal court Tuesday that the program violates First Amendment rights of free speech and association. It also alleges the program violates Fourth Amendment rights to privacy.
The lawsuit additionally alleges the government’s program exceeds Congress’ authority.
ACLU Deputy Legal Director Jameel Jaffer says the program is the same as requiring Americans to give the government a “daily report” of their activities and conversations.

President Barack Obama has defended the program and says privacy must be balanced with security.

I hear Obama has started holding long discussions late at night with marble busts of J. Edgar Hoover and Richard Nixon in an alcove where he has created a shrine to them and sneaking the architect of DARPA Information Awareness Office John Poindexter for long private discussions.

What really puzzles me about this entire affair is this,

a.) Mr. Snowden snapped. He lost faith in institutions that tolerate and make a virtue of lying. He told the truth, that James R. Clapper, Jr., Director of National Intelligence, flat out lied & perjured himself before Congress when he told the Senate in sworn testimony last March that the NSA was not gathering date on millions of Americans. . Does that make Snowden a whistleblower?

 

Unfortunately not really. Whistleblower statutes typically offer legal protection to folks who disclose unlawful conduct. Thus a public employee telling a reporter about corruption in her agency cannot be retaliated against. Unfortunately reporting that the said corruption is a violation of your legal and civil rights isn’t covered or mentioned in the law.

So Mr. Snowden broke the law. He may not be a whistleblower, but he is still my kind of hero.

Civil disobedience, by contrast, is a deliberate decision to break the law because the law is unjust. The classic model of such disobedience requires the law breaker to accept his punishment. Henry David Thoreau’s refusal to pay a poll tax in opposition to the United States’ war with Mexico in the 1840s landed him in jail. So did Martin Luther King’s decision to flout Birmingham, Alabama’s harsh racial discrimination laws. Both Thoreau and King calmly went to jail.

However I can’t say I fault Mr. Snowden in the least for fleeing the country. While it’s one thing to face a few days in the local pokey for civil disobedience, in the age of mass incarceration, a dissenter faces a lifetime in a federal penitentiary.

Prison-happy feds seek to lock Bradley Manning away for life for his role in disclosing government secrets to Wikileaks. Manning’s guilty plea to crimes carrying a maximum of 20 years did not offer enough blood to the federal beast. Snowden needn’t sign up for martyrdom to make his point or have my admiration for his actions.

b.) Based on the chart above about when many Internet related companies allowed the government to…”circumvent” not ONLY legal procedure but our civil rights, WHY are these companies (from what I can tell at any rate) named as co-conspirators AT LEAST after the fact?

c.)  Why isn’t Congress calling for criminal prosecution of the senior administration officials who lied under oath about the scope of NSA snooping? James R. Clapper, Jr., Director of National Intelligence, told the Senate in sworn testimony last March that the NSA was not gathering date on millions of Americans. Liar. Gen. Keith B. Alexander, the director of NSA, told similar whoppers.

 

Of course, we expect spies to lie. That’s what they do. Prowl through my phone records, Uncle Sam; connect the dots of my electronic life, and then lie to me about it. I expected you were playing sneak and peak in the name of national security, although just who keeps me safe and secure from you is becoming increasingly unclear. But you’re going to lie to Congress, too? Representative institutions can, and do, fail.

  Since Mr. Snowden’s leaks, government officials — including President Obama — have warned that revealing too much information about the government’s intelligence-gathering could hamper the collection of critically important information. We won’t argue with that. But if the government is to live up to its responsibilities to the public — and if it is to maintain support for its intelligence-gathering techniques — the public must know as much as possible about how it is interpreting and applying the law.

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And in our day and age being a Patriot & committing the revolutionary act of speaking the truth makes you of of Janet Napolitano’s “Home Grown Terrorists!” Now if you all excuse me I’m off the the pub to talk a little revolution with some like minded friends!

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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One Response to Leprechaun Laughs # 199 for Wednesday June 26th 2013

  1. Lloyd Davidson says:

    Attention all government spooks. I’m male, white, 82 years old and a proud associate of the Dragon and Leprechaun. If you want a piece of me, bring it! Just do me and yourself a favor and list the name and address of your next-of-kin with me first. It saves me a lot of time making proper notification.

    On Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 1:17 AM, Dragon Laffs

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