Leprechaun Laughs #163 for Wednesday Oct 17th 2012


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 The old Snuff Box gag… hehehe gets them mortals every time! You got to love the classics!

Well we had a wee bit of a cold front (more like a ‘less warm front’) make its way through Southeast Texas Sunday morning. We got about an inch of always handy to have here rain and a short bit or relief from the high 80s – mid 60s temps. The weather guessers say things will warm up until sometime Thursday when the situation will repeat itself. In short- still no true fall weather for us here in Houston.

 

 

Opening Logo 5

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A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was
embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table
and she told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice, “$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ear, “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

 

 !cid_4135AB5B3F264ACA9CA937EC208407B1@your4dacd0ea75

Craziest excuses for calling in sick

Survey finds 30% called in sick over past year when not actually ill

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) –

One employee said she couldn’t come to work because her dog was having a nervous breakdown. Another said he forgotten he’d been hired. A third was upset after watching “The Hunger Games.”

These are just a few of the colorful excuses employers reported hearing to explain absences from work, according to a new survey commissioned by human resources firm CareerBuilder. Others included someone who said they got their toe stuck in a faucet, a person who was having their dead grandmother exhumed as part of a police investigation, and another who fell ill from “reading too much.”

While most excuses may not be so inventive, playing hooky remains a routine occurrence, the survey said. Some 30 percent of workers reported calling in sick over the past year when not actually ill, CareerBuilder said, a figure in line with previous years.

Roughly 22 percent of “healthy” sick days were used for doctors’ appointments. Sixteen percent were taken to catch up on sleep, while 34 percent were used by those who simply didn’t feel like going to work.

So while blowing off work doesn’t make you unique, you still need to be careful — some 29 percent of employers surveyed said they’d checked up on employees out sick, calling them later in the day or requiring doctors’ notes. Seventeen percent said they had fired people for giving fake excuses.

Of course, if your dog really is having a nervous breakdown, you may be happy to have that extra time to help him convalesce.

  Attitude Problem

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

with your Instructor K-Squared

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”
The eagle answered: “Sure , why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral Here
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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futurama Bull shit

Well I’m guessing you guys like this feature because the material for it keeps pouring into my Inbox regularly. I got this weeks from 4 different people. 2 just forwarded it on, one specifically asked that I not attach his name to the article as he called sending these things on a ‘guilty pleasure’ [yeah you’re guilty alright- guilty of spamming for sure, we’ll see if I can add ‘of lies’ to the end of that in a second] the last one while also not wanting to see his name here asked me to check and see if this was true.

Here is the current USO (Unidentified Steaming Object) in question:

 

From James Carville’s Lips

http://phillhillusa.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/segment_10277_460x345.jpg

Not only is James Carville a scary looking, Skeletor type fella with a voice that is like fingernails on a chalkboard, but he’s also either very honest, very arrogant or very stupid. Either way, read the words of Mr. Carville and tell me whatcha think. Here is the direct quote as lifted from Thinkexist.com:

“Ideologies aren’t all that important. What’s important is psychology.

The Democratic constituency is just like a herd of cows. All you have to do is lay out enough silage and they come running. That’s why I became an operative working with Democrats. With Democrats all you have to do is make a lot of noise, lay out the hay, and be ready to use the ole cattle prod in case a few want to bolt the herd.

Eighty percent of the people who call themselves Democrats don’t have a clue as to political reality.

What amazes me is that you could take a group of people who are hard workers and convince them that they should support social programs that were the exact opposite of their own personal convictions. Put a little fear here and there and you can get people to vote any way you want.

The voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn’t have a clue than there were Republicans.

Truth is relative. Truth is what you can make the voter believe is the truth. If you’re smart enough, truth is what you make the voter think it is. That’s why I’m a Democrat. I can make the Democratic voters think whatever I want them to.”

END QUOTE

I thought I was getting an underhand slow pitch here when I first saw this and read it. I figured nobody in their right mind would ever say something so blunt and potentially damaging- at least not in a public forum where it could be found and passed about. I mean seriously! Talk about your career ending political power destroying all time suicidal drink the Kool-Aid and bite the capsule  death wish blunders!

So you can imaging my shock and surprise when when I fed this into my USO analyzer and it came back:

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That’s right folks this think that actually appears a steam pasture pie is in fact all rose petals! Can you believe it? He actually DID say it! OR DID HE?

After reviewing the output from the USO Analyzer very carefully I noticed something disturbing, all the citations for this followed a circular pattern. NONE of those sources actually cite Carvell in an interview or any [ I hate to use the term] accredited media.Sure you can find reference to it on several newspaper editorial pages, made by the readership. That doesn’t make it fact and if you follow the few citations that do not directly reference the origin source they eventually come around to it Nothing on any of the odd half dozen Urban Myth sites I maintain links to, no YouTube of him saying anything even remotely like this.

I spent considerable time tracing it back to what appears to be its source or origin which appears to be http://en.thinkexist.com/quotes/James_Carville and a single posted known as ‘thisoneworks’. If you follow the link and pay attention to the tabs above the post you’ll see this is entered under ‘my quotes’ and that ‘thisoneworks’ cites no source material.

Hey I’ve got a text quote of Ronald Regan saying that Ollie North and I are in the Top Ten Marines of all time, right up there with Chesty Puller & Carlos Hatcheck because I post it someplace and attribute it to him doesn’t make it true! SO after careful re-examination of this quote I’m ready to render a final verdict. It is officially:

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Guess I should have gone with my original instinct when I first saw this one. I’m reminded of the old Cheech & Chong joke punch line here:

‘Looks like dog shit, smells like dog shit, feels like dog shit, tastes like dog shit. Must be dog shit. Good thing we didn’t step in it!

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Play arcade classics online

It sounds crazy to say it, but Atari is over 40 years old. The pioneering video game company has mostly been in hibernation for the last two decades, but its vintage video games are still some of the best and most enduring titles ever.

If you’re nostalgic for the countless hours and quarters spent blasting asteroids, missiles and centipedes, you’ll go wild over this site. Atari Arcade brings back the best of the ’70s and ’80s online at this official site.

You can play Pong, Breakout, Missile Command, Asteroids, Lunar Lander and more. Each one has the same simple, excellent gameplay, but the graphics have been updated.

These arcade classics are just as fun as ever. Now you can relive them on the Web and pass on the tradition to your kids.

Note: This website was designed to showcase the new Internet Explorer 10, but IE9, Firefox and Chrome work as well. Internet Explorer 8 will not work reliably.

www.atari.com/arcade

 

Groaners Label

Shopping For Jewelry

Mel and his wife are walking down Main Street one evening. They stop at a jewelry store window.
She says, “Mel, I’d love those diamond earrings.”
He says, “No problem,” and takes a brick out of his pocket, smashes the window, and gets the earrings for her. They walk away hastily and soon come upon another jewelry store.
In the window, there is this gorgeous diamond ring, and the wife says, “Mel, oh please, please, please, get me that ring.”
He looks around, sees there’s nobody around, takes a brick out of his pocket and hurls it at the window.
Now she’s got the earrings and this great ring, and they walk away… until they come to yet another jewelry store.
There’s this fantastic diamond necklace in the window. She starts begging, “Mel, Mel, just look at it. I need it!”
He looks at her and says “Whaddaya think, I’m made out of bricks?”

https://i0.wp.com/i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/2/10/23448b64-c6a1-416f-94fb-4e7d4cd6fc81.png

A diamond bigger than Earth?

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Reuters/Reuters – An illustration of the interior of 55 Cancri e — an extremely hot planet with a surface of mostly graphite surrounding a thick layer of diamond, below which is a layer of silicon-based minerals and a molten iron core at the center.

LONDON (Reuters) – Forget the diamond as big as the Ritz. This one’s bigger than planet Earth.

Orbiting a star that is visible to the naked eye, astronomers have discovered a planet twice the size of our own made largely out of diamond.

The rocky planet, called ’55 Cancri e’, orbits a sun-like star in the constellation of Cancer and is moving so fast that a year there lasts a mere 18 hours.

Discovered by a U.S.-Franco research team, its radius is twice that of Earth’s but it is much more dense with a mass eight times greater. It is also incredibly hot, with temperatures on its surface reaching 3,900 degrees Fahrenheit (1,648 Celsius).

“The surface of this planet is likely covered in graphite and diamond rather than water and granite,” said Nikku Madhusudhan, the Yale researcher whose findings are due to be published in the journal Astrophysical Journal Letters.

The study – with Olivier Mousis at the Institut de Recherche en Astrophysique et Planetologie in Toulouse, France – estimates that at least a third of the planet’s mass, the equivalent of about three Earth masses, could be diamond.

Diamond planets have been spotted before but this is the first time one has been seen orbiting a sun-like star and studied in such detail.

“This is our first glimpse of a rocky world with a fundamentally different chemistry from Earth,” Madhusudhan said, adding that the discovery of the carbon-rich planet meant distant rocky planets could no longer be assumed to have chemical constituents, interiors, atmospheres, or biologies similar to Earth.

David Spergel, an astronomer at Princeton University, said it was relatively simple to work out the basic structure and history of a star once you know its mass and age.

“Planets are much more complex. This ‘diamond-rich super-Earth’ is likely just one example of the rich sets of discoveries that await us as we begin to explore planets around nearby stars.”

“Nearby” is a relative concept in astronomy. Any fortune-hunter not dissuaded by “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz”, F.Scott Fitzgerald’s jazz age morality tale of thwarted greed, will find Cancri e about 40 light years, or 230 trillion miles, from Park Avenue.

https://i2.wp.com/img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/funny-pictures-auto-376150.png

Which states consume the most beer?

https://i2.wp.com/www.click2houston.com/image/view/-/16963256/medRes/2/-/maxh/360/maxw/640/-/7rb8bi/-/new-hampshire-beer.jpg

10. Delaware – Per capita consumption: 34.3 gallons

8. (tie) Nebraska – Per capita consumption: 34.6 gallons

8. (tie) Texas – Per capita consumption: 36.6 gallons

7. Vermont – Per capita consumption: 34.7 gallons

6. Wisconsin – Per capita consumption: 36.2 gallons

5. Nevada – Per capita consumption: 36.5 gallons

4. South Dakota – Per capita consumption: 38 gallons

3. Montana – Per capita consumption: 40.6 gallons

2. North Dakota – Per capita consumption: 42.2 gallons

1. New Hampshire – Per capita consumption: 43.0 gallons

 

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What? No Linen closet, armoire, under the bed or sweater drawer in the bureau? Must be a transient hotel!

 

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Thanks to graciemj for this gem.

Triathlon triumph

Ben Baltz has gotten a lot of attention since he hitched a ride on a marine’s back

http://www.newsherald.com/polopoly_fs/1.27129.1349921502!/fileImage/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_445/marine-pfc-matthew-morgan-carries-ben-baltz-across-the-finish-line.jpg

Marine Pfc. Matthew Morgan carries Ben Baltz across the finish line at the Sea Turtle Tri on Pensacola Beach on Sunday after Ben’s prosthetic leg fell off during the run portion of the race.

KIM BALTZ | Special to the Daily News

By KATIE TAMMEN

Published: Wednesday, October 10, 2012 at 22:12 PM.

VALPARAISO — Ben Baltz wasn’t excited about competing in yet another triathlon last weekend.

It was his third in the last few months. While he likes bicycling, running isn’t his favorite activity, especially if he can’t win doing it.

The 11-year-old had completed the 150-yard swim and three-mile bike ride in Sunday’s Sea Turtle Tri on Pensacola Beach, but about a half-mile into the run, he knew something was wrong.

“It (the leg) wobbles,” Ben said Wednesday at his home in Valparaiso.

Moments later, the screws on his prosthetic leg came loose and he went down.

What happened next, though, has captured the attention of the nation.

In the moments Ben was debating whether he could hop or maybe crawl the rest of the mile, a man named Matthew Morgan, a Marine who had volunteered to help at the youth event, stepped in.

“(Morgan said) ‘You need help?’ and I said, ‘Sure,’ and he picked me up and carried me,” Ben said.

For the next half mile, Ben held onto Pfc. Morgan with one arm and his prosthetic leg with the other.

 

Ben said he and Morgan didn’t really speak after their first exchange, but more Marines gathered around and sang a cadence.

As they reached the end and the crowd started roaring, Ben said he felt grateful for the help, but a little frustrated and embarrassed that he couldn’t complete the course on his own.

Freedom of movement is one thing Ben has gotten used to since he was fitted with a prosthetic leg in the summer of 2009. His lower right leg was removed the year before when he was 6 because of a type of bone cancer called osteosarcoma.

Until Sunday, his most spectacular leg malfunction came during a soccer game that he finished by taping it together with duct tape.

As news of his latest malfunction spreads, first on CNN’s website and then elsewhere, Ben remains mystified about why everyone is so interested in talking to him, especially since he didn’t finish the race on his own.

“He has no idea what the big deal is,” his mother Kim Baltz said with a laugh. “He honestly does not. He thinks it’s the Marines.”

According to John Murray, one of the co-founders of Team MPI, which organized the Sea Turtle Tri and helps athletes train for triathlons, no one even knew what had happened to Ben until an announcer spotted him and told the crowd.

“It was kind of a build-up in a way as more and more people became aware,” said Murray, who was standing at the finish line with his wife. “There wasn’t a dry eye in the place. … I was just overcome by emotion.”

Ben’s father, JC, seems to be having the easiest time processing Ben’s skyrocket to fame. He says a shared moment just before the race seemed to almost foreshadow his son and the Marine inspiring a nation with their actions.

JC and Ben were on the beach tossing a football when JC pulled out the bag of Dove dark chocolate candies he always carries and offered his son a piece.

Never one to turn down candy, the STEMM Middle School sixth-grader accepted the chocolate and found an inspirational message inside the wrapper his father had never seen before, despite constantly having it on hand.

It read, “You’re exactly where you need to be.”

Outstanding Pfc Morgan! Bravo Zulu. Semper Fi!

Ben Baltz Running on one leg Northwest Florida Daily News

You go little guy! The ONLY thing that can hold you back is you!

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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One Response to Leprechaun Laughs #163 for Wednesday Oct 17th 2012

  1. kelevadom says:

    What a fantastic story about Ben. I’ve appropriated it, giving you full credit, of course. Thanks for bringing it to our attention.
    HUGS,
    toni (tzs13)

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