Dragon Laffs #1277 6th Anniversary Issue


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Adult-Content-1_thumb1_thumb_thumb_t[1]Good Morning Campers!!!!
Dragon Laffs is six years-old today!
Sort of.
Well, actually we are at LEAST six years old, but today is the day that I took Dragon Laffs public with a seat on yahoo groups.  Prior to that, it was a straight email newsletter, until I got called a spammer by my ISP for sending out a thousand emails a day.  Yup, every day.  I had A LOT more time then.  It would take upwards of 30 minutes a day just for the emailing because it had to be broken down into so many different groups and … well… it was a real mess!
LOL
But I think we’ve grown some since then.  But the one thing we haven’t grown has been subscribers!  And we’re going to work on that, not sure how just yet, but we will.
And tomorrow is the day that all us Fathers get a chance to sit on our ass and … yeah, right.  Okay, so we get the grill out and we … so how is that different from any other weekend?  Hmm, well, happy Father’s Day just the same to all you Fathers out there.  Probably the second toughest job on the planet behind Mother.  Hope you all have a great day and hope your children remember you, with at least a phone call.
Anyway, we need to get into the laughter, but first, I want to start this issue out with a mini rant.  Now, under normal circumstances I would never put a rant in the opening…but since I didn’t get this article until after the entire  issue was set up, except the opening and I felt like it was important enough to talk about, I’m going to jump in with:
Dragon Rant2
A columnist named John Sexton wrote an article called:
SPENDING OFF THE HOOK: FREE PHONES COSTING TAXPAYERS $2.1 BILLION PER YEAR
Here’s the article…not quite in it’s entirety…with my comments liberally interspersed.
You’re probably familiar with the food stamp program which grew from $35 billion in 2008 to $75 billion last year. (Okay, stop right there!  A 100% increase in food stamps in 3 years!  Is that not enough, on it’s own merits, right there to say that this crap isn’t working! Do we have 100% more people in the U.S. in the last 3 years? {well, hell!  With illegal aliens we may very well!  Okay, that’s another topic!}  All that hope and change he promised hasn’t amounted to a pile of crap.  We’re so much worse off now than when he started.) But did you know that getting food stamps also makes you eligible for a free government cell phone?

A program called Lifeline provides free phones and free monthly minutes to anyone food stamps, WIC, Medicaid, Head Start, and several other government programs.  And just like food stamps, Lifeline (aka “phone stamps”) has been growing by leaps and b0unds since 2008, at a significant cost to taxpayers. (Us!)

Lifeline was started in the mid-‘80s to reduce the cost of phone service to rural and needy customers.  The programs costs are covered by a tax included on every monthly phone bill called the Universal Service Charge.  (Do you guys remember the beginning of that program?  If I remember correctly, it started with a discounted wall phone and free local calls.  The idea being that the needy were less likely to seek out preventative medical care and thus were more likely to need the services of emergency medical care.  This also allowed needy families with young babies to phone doctors and such.  I’m all for that.  Especially now.  You can get a land line phone for $14 {the last time I checked} with local calls only.  But this program is bullshit.  Plain and simple!)

In 2011 the FCC estimated the cost of the program would be $2.1 billion and said it would reach $3.3 billion by 2014 absent major reforms.  The FCC also found that part of the problem with the program was rampant fraud.  (Okay, my math mentality is coming out…let’s check something real quick.  As of April 1, 2010 (the date of the last US census) the population of the United States and all it’s territories was 312,913,872.  That’s 310 million (not billion) let’s make it easy on ourselves and round it up to 320 million.  That’s $6.56 from each of us, for this program only.  That’s twenty bucks (for my family) out of my pocket. And it’s taken from us pennies at a time.  It gets worse….keep reading my campers) How bad is the fraud?  A survey conducted by the FCC across 17 states and territories found that, on average, 9% of phone recipients were ineligible.  In some states like Alabama, New Hampshire, and West Virginia, the ineligibility rate was 18-19%.  And all of that is based on a survey to which 27% of the users refused to respond to questions. (And how many of the others that DID answer told the truth?  Do we honestly expect that someone who is defrauding (read as “stealing”) the government to be HONEST about it?  I’d bet that it’s a lot closer to those two numbers added together… at least.  27% + 19% = 46%…that would be the Impish Dragon estimate…half!  Half of these entitlement focused rat bastards are stealing our money.)

In order to combat this problem, the FCC recommending the creation of a national database to keep track of multiple users.  The project was expected to cost $7.5 to $10 million to set up, though this is much less than the amount the government is expected to save by cutting duplicate lines. 

The article goes on to say more about people replacing phones they were already paying for with free ones.  If you can already afford a cell phone, what the hell are you doing on food stamps and such anyway???  Oh, I know, so they can afford their cigarettes and pizza delivery!  Oh, and let’s not forget about Disney World…I’ll get to that in a minute.  When I was working as a police dispatcher for the Indiana State Police, the pay was horrendous.  I worked almost full time hours at the county jail, and more hours stocking boxes in the early morning at my local Target.  We didn’t have basic cable, we had NO cable (unlike those same inmates at the jail, who had damn near full cable).  We ate a hell of a lot of noodles and pasta, on the rare occasion that I would treat myself to a smoke, it was generic and there’s  no way in hell we ordered pizza.  Granted, there are aggravating medical issues in my family and that’s where an awful lot of my money went.  We weren’t on food stamps, why should we be, I could work.  And work I did, usually more than a hundred hours a week.  I didn’t own a cell phone until I got this (much better paying) job and needed one. 

What I’m trying to say is not “oh pity me” or any of that bullshit, but when did we begin to think that it was a GOOD thing to take a permanent hand out from our fellow human beings and allow them to do the work that we are supposed to be doing?  HOW CAN THEY LOOK THEMSELVES IN THE EYE IN THE MIRROR???  Quite frankly I’m sick and tired of paying the way for someone who’s not willing to get off their ass and work for a living.  (And for those of you who are going to say it, you know damn well I’m not talking about the REAL needy who require our help to survive!!!!)  I’m tired of being robbed from.  Tired of having someone else’s hand in my pocket taking my money!!!!

And speaking of Disney World (told you I’d get back to that) someone I trust with my life who works there was grumbling to me the other day about the people who were using welfare checks to go to Disney World.  Seriously? Are you kidding me, Mr. Obama and the rest of you liberal minded bullshit artists???  I’m paying for someone who can’t get off their ass to work to go to Disney when I can’t even afford for my own, perfectly aged 10 year-old daughter, not to mention my older children and grand children to go, but you can take my money away from me so some dirt bag, scum bunny can go?

I’ve said enough.  I need to laugh.  Really badly, do I need to laugh, so let’s laugh…

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The Physical
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
and so I described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four “leaks” behind the big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer.”

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An oldie but goodie from Paul…

When four deer hunters arrived at the deer camp for their annual hunt they found that all the lodging was taken except for two cabins, both equipped with two beds.

Three of them, John, Bill and Fred had a lively discussion as who would bunk with Bob who was a habitual snorer.

They finally decided that the only fair way was to take turns.

Bill shared a cabin with Bob the first night and the next morning he appeared red-eyed from lack of sleep. He said that Bob snored so loud that getting to sleep was impossible so he sat up all night and watched Bob.

The second night it was Fred’s turn and the next morning he looked even worse than Bill had. He stated that Bob’s snoring was so loud that even the windows shook and there was no way he could get to sleep so he too sat up all night and watched Bob.

The third night was John’s turn and the next morning he appeared all bright-eyed, alert and fully rested and Bob looked as if he had not slept.

Bill and Fred was amazed at John’s appearance and asked him what happened.

John told them that when they went to bed he patted Bob on the bottom, kissed him on the cheek, and Bob sat up watching him all night!

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How about some observations from Ginny…

Bill Clinton says he supports Obama and is “very sorry for this stirring up.” He adds that he did not mean to undermine the President with his comments on tax cuts and Romney’s business record. Gosh, who’d a thunk it? Bill not thinking about possible consequences of his actions….


Michelle Obama applauded New York’s proposed ban on large sugary drinks. It’s got the city in turmoil. Last night the police let a guy go for having less than twenty-five grams of marijuana on him but arrested him for having more than sixteen ounces of Pepsi.



The U.S. halted funding of the Pakistani version of Sesame Street Tuesday due to alleged corruption by the puppet theater troupe performing the TV show. What can you do?

If it weren’t for corrupt puppets the U.S. and Britain would have no allies in the Third World.


2,000 former NFL players have filed a master complaint against the league over brain injuries. The worst evidence is that four former NFL players have actually been elected to Congress.



NBC News reported grim statistics indicating that the U.S. lost one hundred and thirty thousand millionaires just last year. It could be a problem for Democrats. President Obama can’t very well attack Mitt Romney if he’s on the Endangered Species List.


President Obama’s campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney’s business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial.

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readers comments
Here’s a letter we received from one of our loyal campers.  You may remember him from previous letters we’ve received in the past.  Folks…he just ain’t right.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh “with” him, right?

Dear Impish and Lethal,

I just had to share my experiences with y’all, since I know how concerned y’all are for the welfare of your readers.  (And you know what a big fan of Welfare I am anyway, heh, heh!)  Well, this ain’t that kind of Welfare anyways, but it might have something to do with that Obama-Care that I been readin’ so much about.

After going to my own doctor, (when I can get an appointment with him.  I think I told you fellas before that Doc Pritcherd is a busy man what with the Provision Medicare Facility, Plumbing Supply House and Bait Store here in Provision, Louisiana) and suffering  the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting some of my like-minded friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
Well, I’m tell you fellas, as I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.
“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.
“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.
Fellas, don’t be getting a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

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Pun Queen
Another great offering from our own queen of Pun…

My cat found a mysterious sweater, but the mystery was soon unraveled.

When the bad poet stood in front of the judge, the judge thought the punishment should fit the rhyme.

I didn’t understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.

Thief caught stealing corn from garden – charged with stalking!

Breaking News Story:

Explosion at local Cheese factory…

Nothing left but de Brie.

Is the Origami Society still around?  I heard they folded.

Clothes don’t necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.

The trailer for the movie was produced without a hitch!

He almost invested in a poultry farm, but chickened out at the last minute.

Eggs make lousy comedians. They always crackup at their own yokes.

At the petting zoo I saw a sheep scratching itself. Turns out it had fleece.

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

The bass player in one of our local bands got fired because he got into treble.

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Queen’s Riddle
 
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
 
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
 
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
 
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
 
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
 
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
 
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
 
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”
 
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
 
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
 
“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
 
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
 
Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
 
Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
 
Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!”
 
Biden then, went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Sarah Palin!”
 
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
 
….AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE!…

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Hey!  This just might work!

President Obama’s heavy high school pot smoking is described in a new bio by David Maraniss. This could be his second-term recovery plan that works. Legalizing pot and then taxing it could allow Americans to smoke their way back to a balanced federal budget.

 


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The Window Through Which We Look…

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, t
he young woman sees her neighbor hanging the Wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look!

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The Space Shuttle “Enterprise” was just Piggy-Backed to NYC on a 747.  Then why do they act like my extra bag is going to take the plane down?

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Some of you have been concerned for my health and I thought I’d tell you about my new workout program…

I am walking with a neighbor every day.

I never knew walking with someone else was such an incentive.

We don’t talk much during the walk though.

My neighbor walks about 10 feet ahead of me.

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I only started the program this week.. And it’s only Saturday.
So far, I have followed her for 10 miles . . . Without even using my cane!
I am feeling better each mile and my heart condition, my blood pressure and my breathing seem to be improving.

Thanks for your concern.

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not sure if this one is going to work here or not!
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New York State reported losing six hundred thousand residents
to Florida in the last ten years for lower taxes. New York has
an eight percent income tax rate while Florida has a zero
percent state income tax rate. They have a terrible mosquito
problem in Florida, but no matter how much blood they drink
it’s still less than New York takes.

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Yeah, my scale gives me the same crappy back talk!

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Humanity is loosing its Geniuses.

Aristotle died,Newton gone, Tagore,

Gandhi passed away
   Einstein  died,
    And today i’m not feeling well…. 

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Lady gaga

Leave me alone

Limp Biscuit

Lunch

Chinese Proverb – Original

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

2012 Revision/update

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, free drugs, Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democratic for life.

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Yup, that’s exactly right

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Of course it does.

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How about a new pictorial series?  This one called:

Transportation Consternation

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Yes, that is a cow in the back seat.

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Geez!  Ya think?

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And it was a sight to behold!

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I found this quite an interesting article.  This was sent to me by my Dad, whom, I’m sure, got it from someone else.  I tried to do my due diligence and everything that I found supported this information.
We often forget that it’s not really the man in the oval office who’s in charge.  Most of the time he’s just the ringleader and ‘tis the clowns who really run the circus!
Thanks for reading along and I’d like to hear your opinions.

This tells the story, why Bush was so bad at the end of his term. Don’t just skim over this, it’s not very long, read it slowly and let it sink in. If in doubt, check it out!!! The day the democrats took over was not January 22nd 2009, it was actually January 3rd 2007 the day the Democrats took over the House of Representatives and the Senate, at the very start of the110th Congress. The Democrat Party controlled a majority in both chambers for the first time since the end of the 103rd Congress in 1995. For those who are listening to the liberals propagating the fallacy that everything is “Bush’s Fault”, think about this: January 3rd, 2007 was the day the Democrats took over the Senate and the Congress. At the time: The DOW Jones closed at 12,621.77 The GDP for the previous quarter was 3.5% The Unemployment rate was 4.6% George Bush’s Economic policies SET A RECORD of 52 STRAIGHT MONTHS of JOB GROWTH
Remember the day… January 3rd, 2007 was the day that Barney Frank took over the House Financial Services Committee and Chris Dodd took over the Senate Banking Committee. The economic meltdown that happened 15 months later was in what part of the economy? BANKING AND FINANCIAL SERVICES! Unemployment… to this CRISIS by (among MANY other things) dumping 5-6 TRILLION Dollars of toxic loans on the economy from YOUR Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac FIASCOES! Bush asked Congress 17 TIMES to stop Fannie & Freddie – starting in 2001 because it was financially risky for the US economy. And who took the THIRD highest pay-off from Fannie Mae AND Freddie Mac? OBAMA And who fought against reform of Fannie and Freddie?OBAMA and the Democrat Congress So when someone tries to blame Bush.
REMEMBER JANUARY 3rd, 2007…. THE DAY THE DEMOCRATS TOOK OVER!” Budgets do not come from the White House. They come from Congress and the party that controlled Congress since January 2007 is the Democrat Party. Furthermore, the Democrats controlled the budget process for 2008 & 2009 as well as 2010 &2011. In that first year, they had to contend with George Bush, which caused them to compromise on spending, when Bush somewhat belatedly got tough on spending increases. For 2009 though, Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid bypassed George Bush entirely, passing continuing resolutions to keep government running until Barack Obama could take office. At that time, they passed a massive omnibus spending bill to complete the 2009 budgets. And where was Barack Obama during this time? He was a member of that very Congress that passed all of these massive spending bills, and he signed the omnibus bill as President to complete 2009. If the Democrats inherited any deficit, it was the 2007 deficit, the last of the Republican budgets. That deficit was the lowest in five years, and the fourth straight decline in deficit spending. After that, Democrats in Congress took control of spending, and that includes Barack Obama, who voted for the budgets. If Obama inherited anything, he inherited it from himself. In a nutshell, what Obama is saying is I inherited a deficit that I voted for and then I voted to expand that deficit four-fold since January 20th. There is no way this will be widely publicized,unless each of us sends it on!

Tends to make a lot more things fall into place, doesn’t it?  Well, for me it does, any how.  It means also that not only do we have to get rid of the Loony Left in the White House, but we have to do the same with Congress and the Senate so that the right will have a chance to fix this mess by having all the tools needed.
Come on folks.
The Left have had 4 years of a majority to fix this crap and all they’ve done is made it worse, let’s give it a try the other way, 4 years of right dominance and see which works out better!

And how about this one for a billboard all over the country!  The Democrats are demanding the last 12 years of Romney’s Tax Returns… can you say hypocrite?
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My new favorite bumper sticker:
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9 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1277 6th Anniversary Issue

  1. Joseph says:

    Gentlemen, Congratulations on reaching your six year mark of Dragon Laffs. Still enjoy the wit, jokes, and political truth you bring to us. Let’s all say a prayer that we can take our country back in November and restore the America I knew when I was young.

  2. Ginny says:

    Congratulations on your anniversary. You sure have come a long way “Baby” We all look forward to each issue and you add so much to our day. Thanks…love ya!

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    Congrats on the mile stone dude! Been a pleasure being on board these last 2 years…which reminds me its time to talk about a raise for me!

    Also, if you’re going to try and tell the story about the camping trip like that, I’m going to be forced to set the record straight and tell everyone the TRUE story next Wednesday!

    • impishdragon says:

      Dude, did I say it was you? Did I even use your real name? Relax, no one will know it was you.

      Thanks to everyone who has written here and to me personally with congratulations. So, six years isn’t a HUGE milestone, but I think in this business I’d have to call it a win. Now, everyone go out and get all your friends to join in on the fun!

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        No what you DIDN’T say was the offending snorer was YOU!

      • impishdragon says:

        Woo Hoo! Pie!!! Dude, I’ll be home in time for my issue on Saturday! Good issue this morning and I echo your sentiment to the principal at the school. What a moron! Hey Greta! Kiss my BIG BLUE DRAGON ASS!!!!!

        Okay, time’s up, gotta get back to the pie!!!

  4. Dingo says:

    “Happy Anniversary” and keep up the good work. I enjoy each and every issue even when I don’t agree with everything said. But that’s what makes it all so interesting!!!!!!

  5. Kris says:

    Happy Anniversary from one who has been with you since the email days! I may not post alot (okay, rarely), but I love every issue & appreciate all the work that goes into them.

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