Today’s issue of Dragon Laffs is brought to you by…
<drum roll with trumpets and flourishes>
The Royal Advisor and Secretary of Dragon and Human affairs to Her Royal Highness, Queen Tiamat I, and your humble servant Impish Dragon!
Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!
Okay, so what do you think? Kind of a grand opening wasn’t it? Although I admit that I feel kind of like a late-night TV host or something with that kind of opening. Anyway, nothing to do for it, so let’s press on, shall we?
Three out of the four Pan-Asian Dragons still seem to be annoyed with me. What of the fourth one you say?
Well, honestly, I’m not really sure, but it seems that some directions were given wrong or something and he ended up being somewhere we shouldn’t have been and we ended up with a particularly nice buffet for lunch at D&LL Enterprises. The Sushi was exceptional.
Nothing but Laffs for you today, folks. We could go on and on politically like we have been and like we will again in the future, I’m sure. But for right now, let’s use the laughter to brighten up our weekend!
Okay, so really, I’ve been under the weather for the past couple of days and I have to go to work this morning, so the time I allotted for my opening and my Last Word got swept up and I ran out of time. Sorry about that. Now…
This is truly amazing! Watch the whole thing.
Well, I guess it’s gonna be one of those issues folks. The videos just keep coming. Here’s a spoof that’s just a little too real for comfort!
And speaking of being too real for comfort… and yeah, I know we’ve probably seen it before…still…
Japan says “Thank You”
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why……….
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? … I think not.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,’Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see
them every day,for eternity.’
The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in.’
Dolly is outraged and asks,’What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?’
‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair —no matter how big they are!
This one is kind of an oldie, too. But the delivery is perfect…
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement as the blond struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration: Son of a bitch!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Man Flu vs. Woman Flu – The Facts…
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognized as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not ‘moan’ when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonizing symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting ‘lady medicines’ like Lemsip, so don’t bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Diagnosis Murder’ it is a commonly recognized medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke’s voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we’ll beat this monstrous disease together.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Minnesota and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running . . .
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a Bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard’
It’s raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer.
I used to work as a trapeze artist. Until I was let go.
My train of thought was just derailed.
Night watchmen never work a day in their lives.
My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind to sue him.
Forklift operators do not care for puns – they find them unpalletable.
how about a couple of quickies to end the day?
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did …. she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.