Dragon Laffs #1262


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Good Morning Campers…Adult Content 1_thumb[3]”Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news…” that’s how the last conversation with my legal council started.
“Well,” says I, “let’s have the bad news first.”
”Nope, I’m gonna start with the Good news,” says he.  I sighed.  I really don’t EVER get my own way in the legal department.  It’s a good thing Lethal Leprechaun and Company (I think it’s like Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.  And I think they’ve added a new guy they just call Big-Time) anyway, it’s a good thing those guys are really good.  So, his-Green-ness tells me, “The good news is that you’ve been released.  Zeus is finishing up the paperwork now and I’ll have you out of there in less than an hour.”  Knowing that the bad is usually bad in the same proportion if not worse than the good, I quietly asked, “And the bad news?”
”Well, her highness, Queen Tiamat hasn’t exactly dropped the charges or ascribed your innocence.  Seems that she wasn’t the one who brought the charges, so all she’s willing to do publicly is to say that her court hasn’t brought any charges against you.  Not that she won’t in the future, but she doesn’t see fit to charge you now.”
”Okay, well that’s not so …”
”It gets worse.”
”Yeah, it always does.”
”She says that she is naming you the official Secretary of Dragon/Human Relations to her most auspicious court.”
”Well, hey!  That’s actually pretty…”
”There’s more…”
”Isn’t there always?”
”Actually, I’m not sure what title she will eventually land on for you, her first suggestion was the Office of Purple Barny-ism for Humans but I think I have her talked out of that one due to copyright laws and such.  I just made the Secretary of Dragon and Human Relations part up to make you feel better.  She wants you to be the warm-fuzzy poster child for dragon-kind.  That means no more pillaging villages, no more naked virgins cavorting around your office and …
I really hate to say this …
No more eating of humans!”
Well, of course at this point I was in tears.  And I really must say at this point, if you are ever full of sorrow and you need a good shoulder to cry on…
”Oh stop your whinging you damn cupcake dragon!”
Don’t choose a Leprechaun for the job.
“I haven’t even told you the bad news yet!”
The conversation continued after I was roused from fainting.
“She released the Chinese Dragons…you know, the ones that were trying to kill ya.”
Another bucket of water splashed in my face at this point to bring me back around.  “I wanna stay with Zeus.”
“I’m afraid that boats already sailed me laddy-buck.  He is grateful to get rid of you, and you’re being charged for the destruction of Hera’s garden.  You paying for that one yourself, by the by.”
Okay, so is it only me, or does everyone now need a laugh?  I sure do!
So….

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In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied:“Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

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This is absolutely amazing.  Turn your sound up and listen to the first video with your eyes closed, then go to the second video and watch it in its entirety!

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Okay, so another movie…. this one is called…Psycho Siri!

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Let’s Talk about POWER….here’s a great article that Dad sent me from Vito…Now…I’m not sure who Vito is, but you gotta admit, he sounds like the kind of guy you can trust, right?  Come on, am I right?  Anyway, it looks like Vito got it from a website called “Godfather Politics”, with the sub-heading: “It’s not Personal, it’s Politics” If you’d like to go to the site, click on the title of this piece.
Okay, here then is …

It’s Not about Contraceptives – It’s About Power!

POWER, POWER, POWER, POWER — never forget that it is from a fascination of the limits and manipulations of Power that keep people interested in this book.”  These are words from Francis Ford Coppola’s notebook that he used in preparation for filming of http://godfatherpolitics.com/3643/its-not-about-contraceptives-its-about-power/.
If you want to see a microcosm of modern-day politics, The Godfather is the place to start. It has all the characteristics of a government and it only lacks legitimacy.  American politics has gone the way of The Godfather. These days the oath that our representatives took to uphold the Constitution means nothing.

The President’s latest attack on the American people by mandating that employers cover contraception is a blatant attack on the Constitution and the freedom of ALL Americans, not just those who hold a particular religious view on contraception. His so-called compromise that insurance companies pay for birth control pills is one of the most audacious power grabs in the history of government. What’s next?

It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to realize that the insurance companies will pass on their cost of paying for contraception by increasing their premiums!!!

Obama has just required the banks to reduce mortgage for those that cannot afford mortgages and are poor risks.  Next, will grocery store owners be required to give milk and bread away free to people who claim a need? Will contractors have to give one home in ten away free to families that can’t afford to purchase one?  The current government is already doing a lot of this through wealth confiscation and distribution.

The following is from Dr. Kevin Clauson, Professor of Politics & Government and Director of the William Jennings Bryan Center for Law and Public Policy.

“Have I missed something regarding this controversy over free contraceptive coverage in employee health care insurance policies ? Now the President has said those employers who object on religious grounds don’t have to but the insurance companies still have to provide it. I’m still mystified. WHY HAS NO ONE (THAT I’VE HEARD) POINTED OUT WHAT I THINK IS OBVIOUS: WHY SHOULD THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT BE ABLE TO REQUIRE EITHER AN EMPLOYER OR AN INSURER TO COVER ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY FOR “FREE” (AND REMEMBER “THERE AIN’T NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH” — ALL INSURED FOLKS WILL HAVE TO ABSORB THE COST) ?

It is blatantly unconstitutional! Why should any “group” get special favors by government? (And by the way, what do contraceptives have to do with “women’s health”? When I think of health I think of cancer or heart disease or diabetes. NOT a contraceptive provision.) There is no law prohibiting the provision and purchase of contraceptives. Indeed why should any government be involved in health care provision at all ? The “religious liberty/conscience” argument is not illegitimate; but it does obscure the BIGGER issue. The federal government has no Constitutional authority to mandate any kind of insurance or insurance coverage, let alone at no cost (supposedly).”

The only good that can come out of free contraceptives is that enough liberals buy and use them. I would be willing to pay for that myself.

IIs there a fund I can contribute to?

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Welcome to the Sensitive Man Test…thank you for participating in this scientific endeavor into the unknown.  What makes a sensitive man?  Are there attributes that can be learned or taught or is someone just born with them and you have them or you don’t?  These are some of the questions we are trying to answer with this short study.  All you have to do is answer the questions as honestly as possible.  There is a scoring section at the end to show you exactly how sensitive of a man you truly are. 
Just remember, be honest, but most importantly, have fun!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends
B. I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Give yourself:
1 point for every A 
2 points for every B
3 points for every C
10-14 = Seriously?  You call yourself a guy?  You’re walkin’ in funny shoes, now aren’t you?  You and the other girls going to get a sewing club going or something?
15-19 = A little better, we won’t question your man-hood or anything, but still, possibly a little light in the loafers.  You might have a little better idea of what’s important and what’s not. 
20-23 = You’re right about in the right spot here, fella.  You know what’s important, and you’re gonna treat the little lady right, but you’re gonna get yours, too.
24-28 = Well, some girls like it a bit rough around the edges.  They say that the women are attracted to the “bad-boy” so you’re probably not doing too poorly for yourself, but don’t you find it just a little bit difficult to look yourself in the mirror?
29-30 = Dude!  You are seriously just a plain Dickhead!

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And speaking of power….who’d have guessed that our dear old Archie Bunker would turn out to be such a powerful prophet?

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DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
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RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
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SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
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Define JITTERBUG: A nervous insect.
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Define “ACCORDION”: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.
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Algorithm: The former vice president playing the drums.

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Motivational Insert

Motivational Iron Man

Motivational Jailbait

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SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:

“In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.”

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say “congrats”.

But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.

Moral of the story:

“Hard work is never appreciated”

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Pun Queen
Some of these actually hurt my head…

After the carpet store burned down, only remnants remained.

Did you hear of the story about the tornado? There is a twist at the end.

Why do golfers carry an extra pairs of trousers with them?
In case they get a hole in one.

The weatherman who forecasted snow in July was a bit of a flake.

Do you know how winter coats are insulated? They are down loaded.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

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Signs

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The next time you’re at your favorite

Fast Food Restaurant, remember that

this is how a bacon cheeseburger is

made…

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Today’s Last Word…is quick and easy and is going to leave you … all of you who, like me, seem to be attached to the rest of the world through an umbilical cord…Answer this question:
42

I know, right?
And just so you know, I’m still looking for a safe house!

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