Dragon Laffs #1259


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Good Morning Campers…adult-Content2_thumb1_thumb_thumb_th[1]I join you from a secure location.  I’m in hiding.  Seems I’m a wanted dragon…and not the good42 cave kind of wanted (nod to the ladies Winking smile) more of the Wanted: Dead or Alive (preferably DEAD) kind of wanted.  I’ve a pretty good idea who I’m wanted by, but not why I’m wanted by … um … her <said in a whisper>.
What’s that?
A summons?
From her!!!???
Let me see that!
Okay, folks, I gather that there is some sort of summons being posted everywhere, I’ll look this over and get back with you.  For now…

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A young man’s impression of how he feels texting a girl he cares about.

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Can you imagine what it must be like for kids in school nowadays?  We used to pass notes in the hall, or sometimes, heaven forbid, in class.  The smart phone has completely revolutionized the way kids interact, flirt and cheat in school.  With the phones themselves getting smaller and smaller, it must be harder and harder for teachers to police their classrooms.  I’ve got an idea for all you teachers out there who are having this problem…
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Industrial Strength Cell Phone Jammer (CDMA, GSM, DCS, and 3G)…powerful cellphone disrupting device provides industrial strength frequency jamming with four high gain antennas and an impressive 10 watts of output!

And right now, they’re on sale for $91.41!  For less than a hundred bucks, you can easily earn the title of “Meanest F♫cking Teacher” of the year!  Now, wouldn’t that plaque look great on your “I Love Me” wall in your office, home or even the classroom.  Hang that plaque right there in the classroom and on the first day next year, set the rotten little bastard’s expectations right up front!  For a modest fee, Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs, LLP, will set you up with:
1. The Industrial Strength Cell Phone Jammer
2. “Meanest Teacher of the Year” plaques going back for the last 3 years (additional years available for additional cost)
3. Installation and set up.
For an additional charge, for the teacher who wants it all, we can also wire the room to emit a piercing tone that only teenagers can hear, with a sliding volume control settings from “annoy” to “bleeding ears”.
We welcome your ideas for products you’d like to see.

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A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.41

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”

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Oh yeah, very funny!  Who’s idea of a joke was this??

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A filthy rich Florida man decided he wanted to throw a party so he invited all of his buddies and neighbors.  He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.  He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. 

At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.  Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool.  Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear!  Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.  The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.  Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. 

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.  Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.  Finally the host said, “Well Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay.  I don’t want it,” said Leroy. gator

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something.  You won the bet.  How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” answered Leroy. 

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.  How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no. 

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!”

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I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?”
“What letters?” I answered slyly.
“Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”

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Groaner Zack
So, it’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Zack…but that’s not his fault.  I’m really far behind in my emails, in fact, the email that these really lousy jokes were in was dated December 19th.  So, I’m more than a month behind in my emails…..these jokes didn’t get any better with age…

Q: What did the rabbit give his girlfriend for Christmas?
A: A 14 carrot ring.

Q: What do rich cats have in their refrigerators?
A: Automatic mice makers.

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I just got off the phone with a friend living in
Adams, N.Y. near the Canadian Border. He said that since
early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is
nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is
dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to
near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through
the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets
much worse, he may have to let her in.

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Again, seeing as how far behind I am in my emails, it’s not surprising that I found this great Christmas joke I had to share…

I just thought I would share with you all this wisdom, if you have ever been owned by a cat or know anyone with a cat – you will relate to this! Enjoy!
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don’t reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat’s enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver’s face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the gift for you.

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I guess this is a good place to break in, right after a cartoon featuring a Leprechaun, as I’m sure you’ve read by now, I am under arrest…but luckily, I have this issue about done, so at least most of it will get out.  I’m going to try and finish up real quick and get this posted to the auto loader so that, if nothing else, you guys will have your laffs on Saturday morning.  I’m being told now that Lethal is here, so let me see what he has to say….carry on with your laffs.

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A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?’ The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any
damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,000 a year and you make $1,500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?’

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic….

‘Try doing it with the engine running’.

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mondays

Yeah, Monday’s are like that.

Motivational Pulse

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A true Christmas Story from just this last Christmas…

Lethal Leprechaun and Molly were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised Molly looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call Lethal because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. Our Green Hero, in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day. Molly said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store. Lethal said, well I’m in the pub next to it

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A nice “Pure Michigan” Ad…

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I think I’ve found a long, lost relative!  Aunt Chippy is fantastic!

There’s lots more…..just go to youtube.com and do a search for Aunt Chippy and sit and enjoy….but make sure you have a couple of hours to kill.

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Yeah, I’m not going to say any more about being behind in my emails, but here’s another one that should’ve been around for Christmas, but is still VERY much worth watching now:

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Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately
gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys.  They were
not in my pockets.  A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

       Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.  Frantically,
I headed for the parking lot.  My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times
for
leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition is the best
place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I
burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right.  The parking lot was empty.

       I immediately call the police.  I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I
made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered.  I always call
her “honey”
in times like these.  “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

       There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now
it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car?”

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Today’s Last Word…Okay, I just have a minute here… I’ve been placed under house arrest.  Lethal says he’ll explain everything in a posting that you’ll get before this issue hits the stands, so you’ll know more about it than I probably do right now.  I’ve been told that I’m no longer allowed to talk about The             Of The               stuff and that if I even try, it will have to be edited right out of the issue before it gets to you.  I think that sucks.
It seems this whole        Of The             stuff is what has that bitch                 all up in arms over.  That’s really just wrong!
But, I’ll have to follow my lawyer’s advice and speak no more of the         of the             .  I’m sorry.  All of you         of the             fans out there will have to get along without your         of the             celebrations and         of the             coffee mugs and          of the             bow ties and all of that!
I’m off to an undisclosed location, LL won’t tell me where I’m going, he just says I have to be on my best behavior because there are some sort of Amazons there who will kick me in the butt if I don’t behave.
I’m really insulted by all that.
I don’t ever misbehave….
unless there are naked virgins…
or hot wings…
or pies… I love pies…
especially pizza pies!

So, as I dash out to Lethal’s plane…. he’ll probably try to put me in the cargo bay again …. I just want to say one more thing in defiance of everything else…

HAPPY             OF THE                   !!!

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1259

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    All references to TYOTD have been redacted by the Impish Dragon Defense Against His Own Idiocy Legal (In His) Dream Team

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