Leprechaun Laughs for Wednesday Sept 7th


blog R Life

 Adult Language, Thoughts, Concepts and Irreverent References Abound! Don’t Say You Weren’t Warned!

Gun Toting Leprecahun Banner 

And Don’t You Bloody Well Forget It Either!

its-wednesday

Well most unexpectedly and very Thankfully my laptop made it back extremely well ahead of its expected shipping date. I received it late Thursday and have been hard at work from 30 minutes after it arrived on getting it to resemble roughly the condition it was programs wise before it left. Admittedly I am way farther along than I ever expected to be because apparently they never touched the hard drive itself just replaced the entire motherboard…for the second time. Other than wasting about 30 man hours removing key files and cleaning personal info cookies password etc off the machine before it went the benefit of this is I do not have to kill a day reloading all the Windows updates and them all my security defenses.

That’s the good news, that bad news is that the program Impish and I use to assemble our blog posts at some point underwent a major revision, While largely the same program the front end (part you see on the screen and interface with) has been completely totally redone. Nothing is where it was, there are no longer any Icons, and several key features will no longer function exactly as they used to. Great 6 moths down the road and I have to relearn the entire program all over again. Thanks Microsoft for reminding me why I loathe you so much!

On an even happier note we are finally getting some slight relief from our endless days of triple digit temps here. A cool front that crossed the state Sunday will help lower temperatures across Texas this week, lessening the demand on the state’s electric grid. After a brutal summer of afternoons with temperatures topping 100 degrees, the northern wind shift is expected to bring considerably less heat – with highs in the upper 80s Monday dropping to the 50s and 60s in the wee morning hours.

This year Texans have endured a record-setting drought, voracious wildfires and sweltering triple-digit heat and just finished its hottest June-through-August on record – and soon could hold that spot nationally when official numbers are tallied later this week. Estimates show temperatures during this span averaged 86.7 degrees, topping the previous record of 84.3 set in 1980 and tied in 1998.

”Are You guys ready?… Let’s Roll!”

Coffee_is_essential_-_Make_more Going to be a bloody lot of that consumed getting my Laptop back in shape!

 

Famous penis nose of KuramaMarquee for Pinocchio, the Japanese Kabuki Theater version. Well either that or a graphic depiction of the dangers of snorting Viagra!

This guy goes to Amsterdam to videotape a presentation. While staying in his hotel he finds an awesome porn channel on the TV,
but, alas, he has no VCR or way to record it.
With a flash of inspiration, he sets up his video camera, points it at the TV, and tapes a few hours of hard core video.
On arriving home, he tells his best friend about the trip. The conversation gets around to the porn tape and the man lends his
friend the tape.
A couple of days later, the friend returns the tape. “Did, ahh, did you watch your tape?”
“No. I was watching the original. Wasn’t any need to see the tape.”
“Well, uhh, before you lend it out again, maybe you should watch it,” the friend advises.
The guy did as he was advised. And never lent out the tape again.
You see, the fella had forgotten to take into account the *reflective* nature of a television screen . . .

 

uscg-pfd

 

You Might Be A Yankee If…

For breakfast, you prefer potato au gratin to grits.
Actually its ‘home fries’ or “Tavern Potatoes” with breakfast, preferably with onions peppers and a little garlic fried crispy on a flat top in a little bacon grease. “Grits” is something the Italians eat, admittedly sometimes fried for breakfast but they call it by its proper name ‘polenta’

Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
Actually its ‘you’se guys’ or if you’re from Jersey ‘youse guys dere’

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
Hell everyone gets kicked out of prep schools now a days, even the teachers! Its an art form we first developed getting kicked of of Parochial Schools.

None of your fur coats are homemade.
Well SOMEONE has to make a market for you greybacks to sell your furs!

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
Nah most of us have slummed once or twice in Atlantic City while the shadiest of us have been to D.C.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

Untrue! I was smiling when I saw how much fun I was going to have with this making you rednecks look well, red necked.

You call binoculars opera glasses.
We call them field glasses cause that’s where we use them. Only people with ‘opera glasses’ are Italians in New York and New Jersey who pretend to understand Italian sung by people who don’t even speak it to appear classy.

You can do your laundry without quarters.
Yeah we use debit cards or drop our laundry off and pay by check when we pick it up. Some of us even own the Laundromats you take your clothes to and get to wash ours for free on what we make of you!

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. We generally have no need to either!

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
Nope we prefer the NRA, multi~million dollar construction companies, heavy equipment brands, High Tech companies, the name of the Brokerage firm we use, high end sporting goods or Firearms companies on our heads. We leave the ‘hey I arts and crafts a hat out of a feed bag you got any appliqué I can use on it now’ look to you 

You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
You wouldn’t either if you had all your teeth and took the 1/2 package of chewing tobacco out of your mouth before trying to say it!

You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
We talking spray, trigger or gallon refill? We also generally stock 3 in 1 Oil and Penetrating Oil  as well as Spray Silicone.

You don’t have bangs.
Yeah we got the message that bangs and huge poufy hairdos went out with the 80s right along with that leopard print spandex you are all so fond of wearing

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
We’re not hiding ugly water stains from beer cans on our furniture because our men can’t use a glass a Can Koozie or a coaster either. We use them for formal occasions and holidays on the side boards. We buy the finest lace ones made, imported from Ireland.

You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizabeth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)
Untrue! I know Fat Tony, Rikers Ricky, Tommy Tombs, Big Paulie, Little Paulie, Irish Shawn, Clarence the Con, Southside Johnny, Jersey Joey ,Patty Paddicakes, Tiny Tessie (she’s 4~6 & 400#), Momma Maria, Crazy Mary and a host of others.

You don’t know what appliqué is.
Wanna bet? Up here we just call it something different…Tacky Redneck Embroidery.

You don’t know what moon pie is.
Chocolate or Banana? BTW we saved you a Pasture Pie and a Meadow Muffin too. You wanna play that game? Like you know what a knish, a matzo ball, a Schmear, Lox, a Perogi, or Broccoli Rabe is!

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
Spoken by the people who put cammo vests and rubber boots on hunting dogs. Pot ~ Kettle there Bubba.

You don’t think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
You talking when he’s drunk or sober? Of course now he doesn’t he’s DEAD!

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Only when covered in gravy or honey a top a waffle. Unlike you cretins we have enough dining manners to know that fried chicken is eaten before or after but never with the fingers! 

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
If you people had subways you’d know that’s where we stash our homeless and they ARE scary!

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
Nah we’ve no need… we have ’bout 2 or 3 of them a month in the season.

You have no idea what a polecat is.
Up here we prefer the term weasel…which by the way we use synonymously as a term for lawyers and politicians.

You think barbecue is a verb meaning, “to cook outside.”
Ah~yep we do, and if you had learned to read and the purpose of a dictionary so would you!
“Barbecue or barbeque (common spelling variant)[(with abbreviations BBQ & Bar~B~Q; Barbie, used chiefly in the United States, United Kingdom and Australia;)is a method and apparatus for cooking meat, poultry and occasionally fish with the heat and hot smoke of a fire, smoking wood, or hot coals of charcoal.”

You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
You must be thinking of Heinz 57. Oh and its spelled ‘Catsup’ Johnny Reb

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. Damned right! Save the big athletic dollars to pay the Men’s and Women’s Basketball Coaches so we make the NCAA Tourney year after year after year. That’s at least 8 tourney games we get paid for instead of one bowl game

You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.
And deprive you of the opportunity to be culturally distinctive but exceptionally tasteless? NEVER! Besides it doesn’t go with our non feed store hat

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
No, lawyers bring nothing but shame on a family name. Now our son being the guy that PRODUCES your son’s TV Fishing Show and makes more doing it than your son does is ok with us.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
Let’s see rub elbows with tanned toned bikini wearing ladies worth 6 figures minimum and smelling of Chanel #5 or with beer bellied hair spray helmeted trailer trash smelling of Virginia Slims, Lone Star and stale corn dogs who openly brags she can stuff a whole moon pie in her mouth. Hmmm tempting but the Vineyard does have lobster and a Jazz festival too.

You’ve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
Well once on a dare, once as a way to pay off a bet, and once when I was drunk and they would not tell me what it was until it came back up, but other than that generally I’m not that desperate.

You’ve never had an RC Cola.
No that’s something we export to you Red Necks so we can keep the good sodas to ourselves.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
Used to live 10 miles from a chicken & Egg farm, Have seen 2000+ on the leg at one time. Generally we prefer hunting bigger birds though, Wild Turkey, Canadian Geese and Ducks. As for cows…HELLO? New England is big Dairy country! We probably have a higher concentration of cows per square mile in New England than all of Texas!

From THe Leps Pot O Gold

Eat Chocolate?

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.

As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So… Without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

coollogo_com-6983406 !cid_F607082FCCC548F492CB6589CDFD5D7F@RobertPC

Impish Dragon lay dying. HIs wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice.”There’s something I must confess.”

“Shhh”. said his wife, “There’s nothing to confess. Everything’s all right.”

“No” Impish replied “I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!”

“I know,” she whispered “That’s why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes……

dragon skull bluebar

  I knew someone would find a name for

this presidential election process.

image

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing.
You’re just like Lethal.’
Passenger: ‘Who?’
Cabbie: Lethal Leprechaun. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Lethal Leprechaun every single time.’
Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’
Cabbie: Not Lethal Leprechaun. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Lethal Leprechaun, could do everything right.’
Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Lethal, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Lethal Leprechaun.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: ‘Well… I never actually met Lethal. He died and I married his freaking wife.”

And if you buy that piece of fiction, contact me about getting in on the ground floor of my Death Valley Marina. Sure its a desert now but as soon as the big one hits California and it slides off into the Pacific, its going to be shore front resort property!

!cid_1_475451615@web36902_mail_mud_yahoo

 

image

 

hnChRT1311546561_thumb3_thumb

I’m not saying she is easy, but…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.
She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose have a pet door

Even Impish scored with her.

 

Capture v

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

 

Space Odyssey 2010

iBroke

 

Lost iPhone 5 saga: Did Apple employees impersonate SF police during a search?

iphone4angleThe weird saga of the second iPhone prototype to be lost in a bar just got a whole lot weirder.

The San Francisco Weekly reports on the claims of Sergio Calderón, 22, who said a half-dozen people who identified themselves as San Francisco Police officers searched his home for the device reportedly lost in a tequila bar in July.

There’s an indication that one of the visitors, who gave Calderón his phone number, is a senior investigator at Apple.

From the Weekly story: http://blog.chron.com/techblog/2011/09/lost-iphone-5-saga-did-apple-employees-impersonate-sf-police-during-a-search/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+houstonchronicle%2Ftopheadlines+%28chron.com+-+Top+Stories%29

Ok so let me see if I got this straight, when it comes to George Orwell’s 1984 vision of “Big Brother”, Bill Gates handles the covert spying via tracking software buried in his Operation Systems which run 80% of the worlds computers. Mean time Steve Jobs handles the jackbooted trampling of your civil rights and the rule of law? Just one more reason I’ll probably never willingly own an iPhone or iPad and look for other OS options every time I buy a computer.

image

Chinese Food / Cat’s In The Kettle

 

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University, has invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

image At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him!

How Boobs Got Their Name!

Now we know! Brilliant. I had no idea. You learn something every day.

This is much simpler than I thought !

image

No need to thank me….
Just trying to keep friends informed and educated.

wwday

Thank a Serviceman today.

 

I know someone is bound to complain that the issue is a little shorter than normal but it is my second one already this week, the other was a bear to do and in truth if this one was not 80% completed it probably would not be getting up until possibly Thursday because I feel like crap  and spent most of Tuesday asleep in bed with a reoccurring health issue.

Shamrock Heart Closing

 

Bought your DragonLaffs Sept 1tth 10th Anniversary Memorial Mug yet? So far 15 loyal readers have purchased their limited edition mugs. A big thank you to those people. Get you mug here: http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffs_sept_11th_memorial_mug-168351425205007069

Remember 9-11 Flag

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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8 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs for Wednesday Sept 7th

  1. Becki Torey says:

    I appreciate your wordpress theme, wherever would you download it through?

  2. Dan from NYC says:

    Never apologize. You could send out a mini any time and it’s appreciated. Love the Cats in The kettle bit. Reminds me when friends of mine had in a cousin from Italy and we went out for sushi. He refused to order or eat anything and tried to taunt us making ‘meow’ sounds as we ate. Just before he left I presented him with a cat collar complete with jingle bells on it. Last I heard it’s still hanging on his wall in Rome.

  3. Gracie says:

    Oh man, LL, please be safe. We’re watching the news showing the fires from here on Long Island and it’s frightening! By the way, did you write the comments to “You Might Be a Yankee If…”? HILARIOUS!! If you did, you HAD to have lived up North at one time because it was Spot On!! Absolutely hilarious!
    And to Ginny, Oh Lordy do I feel for you. Jersey has been slammed over the winter and now this?!! We had outages and flooding on the Island but nothing compared to “you’se guys”!!!
    Hang in there my friends.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      The comments in Celtic font and green were indeed my responses to the “You Might be a Yankee”.
      I am not a “native” Texan I am in fact transplanted here 10 years on the 15th of September.
      I’m proud of my Connecticut Yankee heritage and publicly flaunt it by doing things like rooting for UCONN Ladies Huskies (in official team gear of course).
      I also proudly root for the Patriots and long for decent N.Y. style pizza, though I have finally located an authentic NY style place here that it not just hype. Unfortuantely its not in reasonable driving range so I do not get it as often as I might like.

      On the other hand a major school closing snowfall here is 1 to 2 inches and lasts about 12 hours happening rarely. It’s snowed appreciably twice since I have been here, once for my first Cmas, the first time in 100 years. This too is attributed to the evils of my being an unrepentant Yankee

  4. Roger says:

    I am unable to download your videos. Any ideas?

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      ROGER-

      Videos are youtubes and cannot be downloaded. They do not work in the email versions which is why we strongly encourage everyone to go to the blog and view the issues as they are published and in the manner we intended them to be seen because they simply do not translate to email well despite it being an offered function.

  5. Ginny says:

    Glad all went well with your computer. Been worried about you, watching the news about the fires in Texas. We have the FLOODS here in “JOISEY”. Feel better and thanks for the laughs on a
    dreary, rainy shitty day.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Ginny it got a wee bit exciting here on Saturday with a 10 acre grass fed wild fire less than a mile from my home as the crow flies, abet on the other side of 6 lanes of main road flanked on either side by commercial lots. Still it was breezier than all get out as we had a high winds warning for winds for 20 to 30 mph with gust as high as 40.
      The fire was just beginning to threaten an apartment complex and several homes, getting as close as 10 feet to one house and consuming a portion of it’s property line stockade fence before being brought under control and contained.

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