Adult Language, Thoughts, Concepts and Irreverent References Abound! Don’t Say You Weren’t Warned!

And Don’t You Bloody Well Forget It Either!

Well most unexpectedly and very Thankfully my laptop made it back extremely well ahead of its expected shipping date. I received it late Thursday and have been hard at work from 30 minutes after it arrived on getting it to resemble roughly the condition it was programs wise before it left. Admittedly I am way farther along than I ever expected to be because apparently they never touched the hard drive itself just replaced the entire motherboard…for the second time. Other than wasting about 30 man hours removing key files and cleaning personal info cookies password etc off the machine before it went the benefit of this is I do not have to kill a day reloading all the Windows updates and them all my security defenses.

That’s the good news, that bad news is that the program Impish and I use to assemble our blog posts at some point underwent a major revision, While largely the same program the front end (part you see on the screen and interface with) has been completely totally redone. Nothing is where it was, there are no longer any Icons, and several key features will no longer function exactly as they used to. Great 6 moths down the road and I have to relearn the entire program all over again. Thanks Microsoft for reminding me why I loathe you so much!

On an even happier note we are finally getting some slight relief from our endless days of triple digit temps here. A cool front that crossed the state Sunday will help lower temperatures across Texas this week, lessening the demand on the state’s electric grid. After a brutal summer of afternoons with temperatures topping 100 degrees, the northern wind shift is expected to bring considerably less heat – with highs in the upper 80s Monday dropping to the 50s and 60s in the wee morning hours.

This year Texans have endured a record-setting drought, voracious wildfires and sweltering triple-digit heat and just finished its hottest June-through-August on record – and soon could hold that spot nationally when official numbers are tallied later this week. Estimates show temperatures during this span averaged 86.7 degrees, topping the previous record of 84.3 set in 1980 and tied in 1998.

”Are You guys ready?… Let’s Roll!”

Going to be a bloody lot of that consumed getting my Laptop back in shape!

Marquee for Pinocchio, the Japanese Kabuki Theater version. Well either that or a graphic depiction of the dangers of snorting Viagra!

This guy goes to Amsterdam to videotape a presentation. While staying in his hotel he finds an awesome porn channel on the TV,
but, alas, he has no VCR or way to record it.
With a flash of inspiration, he sets up his video camera, points it at the TV, and tapes a few hours of hard core video.
On arriving home, he tells his best friend about the trip. The conversation gets around to the porn tape and the man lends his
friend the tape.
A couple of days later, the friend returns the tape. “Did, ahh, did you watch your tape?”
“No. I was watching the original. Wasn’t any need to see the tape.”
“Well, uhh, before you lend it out again, maybe you should watch it,” the friend advises.
The guy did as he was advised. And never lent out the tape again.
You see, the fella had forgotten to take into account the *reflective* nature of a television screen . . .

You Might Be A Yankee If…

For breakfast, you prefer potato au gratin to grits.
Actually its ‘home fries’ or “Tavern Potatoes” with breakfast, preferably with onions peppers and a little garlic fried crispy on a flat top in a little bacon grease. “Grits” is something the Italians eat, admittedly sometimes fried for breakfast but they call it by its proper name ‘polenta’

Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
Actually its ‘you’se guys’ or if you’re from Jersey ‘youse guys dere’

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
Hell everyone gets kicked out of prep schools now a days, even the teachers! Its an art form we first developed getting kicked of of Parochial Schools.

None of your fur coats are homemade.
Well SOMEONE has to make a market for you greybacks to sell your furs!

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
Nah most of us have slummed once or twice in Atlantic City while the shadiest of us have been to D.C.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

Untrue! I was smiling when I saw how much fun I was going to have with this making you rednecks look well, red necked.

You call binoculars opera glasses.
We call them field glasses cause that’s where we use them. Only people with ‘opera glasses’ are Italians in New York and New Jersey who pretend to understand Italian sung by people who don’t even speak it to appear classy.

You can do your laundry without quarters.
Yeah we use debit cards or drop our laundry off and pay by check when we pick it up. Some of us even own the Laundromats you take your clothes to and get to wash ours for free on what we make of you!

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. We generally have no need to either!

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
Nope we prefer the NRA, multi~million dollar construction companies, heavy equipment brands, High Tech companies, the name of the Brokerage firm we use, high end sporting goods or Firearms companies on our heads. We leave the ‘hey I arts and crafts a hat out of a feed bag you got any appliqué I can use on it now’ look to you 

You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
You wouldn’t either if you had all your teeth and took the 1/2 package of chewing tobacco out of your mouth before trying to say it!

You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
We talking spray, trigger or gallon refill? We also generally stock 3 in 1 Oil and Penetrating Oil  as well as Spray Silicone.

You don’t have bangs.
Yeah we got the message that bangs and huge poufy hairdos went out with the 80s right along with that leopard print spandex you are all so fond of wearing

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
We’re not hiding ugly water stains from beer cans on our furniture because our men can’t use a glass a Can Koozie or a coaster either. We use them for formal occasions and holidays on the side boards. We buy the finest lace ones made, imported from Ireland.

You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizabeth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)
Untrue! I know Fat Tony, Rikers Ricky, Tommy Tombs, Big Paulie, Little Paulie, Irish Shawn, Clarence the Con, Southside Johnny, Jersey Joey ,Patty Paddicakes, Tiny Tessie (she’s 4~6 & 400#), Momma Maria, Crazy Mary and a host of others.

You don’t know what appliqué is.
Wanna bet? Up here we just call it something different…Tacky Redneck Embroidery.

You don’t know what moon pie is.
Chocolate or Banana? BTW we saved you a Pasture Pie and a Meadow Muffin too. You wanna play that game? Like you know what a knish, a matzo ball, a Schmear, Lox, a Perogi, or Broccoli Rabe is!

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
Spoken by the people who put cammo vests and rubber boots on hunting dogs. Pot ~ Kettle there Bubba.

You don’t think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
You talking when he’s drunk or sober? Of course now he doesn’t he’s DEAD!

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Only when covered in gravy or honey a top a waffle. Unlike you cretins we have enough dining manners to know that fried chicken is eaten before or after but never with the fingers! 

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
If you people had subways you’d know that’s where we stash our homeless and they ARE scary!

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
Nah we’ve no need… we have ’bout 2 or 3 of them a month in the season.

You have no idea what a polecat is.
Up here we prefer the term weasel…which by the way we use synonymously as a term for lawyers and politicians.

You think barbecue is a verb meaning, “to cook outside.”
Ah~yep we do, and if you had learned to read and the purpose of a dictionary so would you!
“Barbecue or barbeque (common spelling variant)[(with abbreviations BBQ & Bar~B~Q; Barbie, used chiefly in the United States, United Kingdom and Australia;)is a method and apparatus for cooking meat, poultry and occasionally fish with the heat and hot smoke of a fire, smoking wood, or hot coals of charcoal.”

You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
You must be thinking of Heinz 57. Oh and its spelled ‘Catsup’ Johnny Reb

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. Damned right! Save the big athletic dollars to pay the Men’s and Women’s Basketball Coaches so we make the NCAA Tourney year after year after year. That’s at least 8 tourney games we get paid for instead of one bowl game

You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.
And deprive you of the opportunity to be culturally distinctive but exceptionally tasteless? NEVER! Besides it doesn’t go with our non feed store hat

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
No, lawyers bring nothing but shame on a family name. Now our son being the guy that PRODUCES your son’s TV Fishing Show and makes more doing it than your son does is ok with us.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
Let’s see rub elbows with tanned toned bikini wearing ladies worth 6 figures minimum and smelling of Chanel #5 or with beer bellied hair spray helmeted trailer trash smelling of Virginia Slims, Lone Star and stale corn dogs who openly brags she can stuff a whole moon pie in her mouth. Hmmm tempting but the Vineyard does have lobster and a Jazz festival too.

You’ve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
Well once on a dare, once as a way to pay off a bet, and once when I was drunk and they would not tell me what it was until it came back up, but other than that generally I’m not that desperate.

You’ve never had an RC Cola.
No that’s something we export to you Red Necks so we can keep the good sodas to ourselves.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
Used to live 10 miles from a chicken & Egg farm, Have seen 2000+ on the leg at one time. Generally we prefer hunting bigger birds though, Wild Turkey, Canadian Geese and Ducks. As for cows…HELLO? New England is big Dairy country! We probably have a higher concentration of cows per square mile in New England than all of Texas!

Eat Chocolate?

As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So… Without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

Impish Dragon lay dying. HIs wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice.”There’s something I must confess.”

“Shhh”. said his wife, “There’s nothing to confess. Everything’s all right.”

“No” Impish replied “I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!”

“I know,” she whispered “That’s why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes……

  I knew someone would find a name for

this presidential election process.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing.
You’re just like Lethal.’
Passenger: ‘Who?’
Cabbie: Lethal Leprechaun. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Lethal Leprechaun every single time.’
Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’
Cabbie: Not Lethal Leprechaun. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Lethal Leprechaun, could do everything right.’
Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Lethal, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Lethal Leprechaun.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: ‘Well… I never actually met Lethal. He died and I married his freaking wife.”

And if you buy that piece of fiction, contact me about getting in on the ground floor of my Death Valley Marina. Sure its a desert now but as soon as the big one hits California and it slides off into the Pacific, its going to be shore front resort property!

I’m not saying she is easy, but…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.
She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose have a pet door

Even Impish scored with her.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

Lost iPhone 5 saga: Did Apple employees impersonate SF police during a search?

The weird saga of the second iPhone prototype to be lost in a bar just got a whole lot weirder.

The San Francisco Weekly reports on the claims of Sergio Calderón, 22, who said a half-dozen people who identified themselves as San Francisco Police officers searched his home for the device reportedly lost in a tequila bar in July.

There’s an indication that one of the visitors, who gave Calderón his phone number, is a senior investigator at Apple.

From the Weekly story: http://blog.chron.com/techblog/2011/09/lost-iphone-5-saga-did-apple-employees-impersonate-sf-police-during-a-search/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+houstonchronicle%2Ftopheadlines+%28chron.com+-+Top+Stories%29

Ok so let me see if I got this straight, when it comes to George Orwell’s 1984 vision of “Big Brother”, Bill Gates handles the covert spying via tracking software buried in his Operation Systems which run 80% of the worlds computers. Mean time Steve Jobs handles the jackbooted trampling of your civil rights and the rule of law? Just one more reason I’ll probably never willingly own an iPhone or iPad and look for other OS options every time I buy a computer.

Chinese Food / Cat’s In The Kettle

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University, has invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him!

How Boobs Got Their Name!

Now we know! Brilliant. I had no idea. You learn something every day.

This is much simpler than I thought !

No need to thank me….
Just trying to keep friends informed and educated.

Thank a Serviceman today.

I know someone is bound to complain that the issue is a little shorter than normal but it is my second one already this week, the other was a bear to do and in truth if this one was not 80% completed it probably would not be getting up until possibly Thursday because I feel like crap  and spent most of Tuesday asleep in bed with a reoccurring health issue.

Bought your DragonLaffs Sept 1tth 10th Anniversary Memorial Mug yet? So far 15 loyal readers have purchased their limited edition mugs. A big thank you to those people. Get you mug here: http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffs_sept_11th_memorial_mug-168351425205007069