Leprechaun Laughs #101 for Wednesday 08/10


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Lord Have Mercy It’s Hot!

It’s so damned hot here in Texas that the fish are coming out of the Rivers Lakes Streams & Gulf poached already!

Blistering heat is expected to continue to bake the Houston region today and throughout the week as a ridge of high pressure remains parked above the area.

Triple-digit heat and dry conditions are likely for at least the new few days, according to the National Weather Service. The heat index could reach to between about 104 and 108. A heat advisory is in effect through at least 10 p.m. Wednesday. No rain is forecast.

Forecasters said the coolest spots in the area could be along the coast, which will be breezy with high temperatures expected to be in the lower to mid 90s.

The coastal areas may offer only little relief from the heat, however. Galveston tied a record high temperature for the date when it reached 94 degrees Monday, forecasters said. The low in Galveston Monday was 85, which is a new record high minimum temperature for the date. The previous record was 84 degrees set in 1987. Heat indices in some coastal areas could be in the triple digits.

Today, in the Houston area the high will top out near 101 under sunny skies. The low will be near 80. The heat index-how hot the air feels when temperature and humidity combine—could be as high as 107.

The searing heat continues Wednesday and through the weekend. The highs will be near 100 degrees under sunny skies. The lows will be about 80.

Yadda… Yadda… Yadda….Ok enough chit chat.

Quick, Let’s Laugh Before It Gets Any Hotter!

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It’s Not Just A Luxury~ In Texas It’s Survival!

 

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“A Few Fishing Definitions”

HOOK – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.

(2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life’s savings on fishing supplies.

(3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after she learns what he spent their life’s savings on. (Usually accompanied by word “right” or “left.”)

LINE – Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.

LURE – An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman’s equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.

REEL – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD – An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

TACKLE – What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX – A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.

TEST – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.

(2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.

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2 who heeded call at massacre are losing jobs

Associated Press Aug. 8, 2011, 7:44AM

FORT HOOD — Two civilian police officers credited as the first responders in the 2009 Fort Hood shooting massacre are losing their jobs as part of military budget cuts.

The Austin American-Statesman reports Monday that officials on the Central Texas post say Kimberly Munley and Mark Todd are among officers hired year-to-year who will not have their employment renewed.

Todd and Munley were the first law enforcement officers to arrive at a busy medical processing center after a gunman killed 13 people and wounded more than 30 others. Maj. Nidal Hasan is charge in the shooting. He faces the death penalty.

According to pretrial testimony in Hasan’s case, Todd fired the shots that paralyzed the Army psychiatrist. Munley testified that her gun malfunctioned and that she was shot three times.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/7688094.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+houstonchronicle%2Ftopheadlines+%28chron.com+-+Top+Stories%29&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

Once again the freaking government’s respect and gratitude to our National heroes boggles the sane mind. Risk your life against a terrorist they are too damned blind to find right under their noses, get wounded in the process and then once he’s convicted get kicked to the curb.

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A woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a shot of whiskey. A few minutes later the bartender hands her the order. The Woman drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into her handbag.
She orders another round of the same, so the bartender takes her two glasses and refills them. Once again, she drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into her handbag.
The bartender says, “Look Miss, I don’t mean to bug you, but my curiosity is killing me. Why do you keep pouring the shots into your handbag?”
The woman says, “It’s none of your damn business! And if you be givin’ me a hard time, I’ll be breakin’ yer face!”
Suddenly a mouse pops his head out of her handbag and says, “And that goes for your fuckin’ cat too!”

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Oneliners

Inflation hasn’t ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins….the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this….. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he’s after his job.

A backyard barbecue draws two things…..flies and relatives.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Those who say money can’t buy happiness never spent it on a puppy.

Now they have a jigsaw puzzle for people you don’t like. None of the pieces fit and the four

corners are missing.

The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: ‘Due unto others.’

When people say to me, ‘Have a nice day.’

Why do they limit me to 24 hours of happiness?

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.

Quality rather than quantity determines your success.

The best things in life are free . . . or have no interest or payments for one full year.

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A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”

“No thank you,” Maxine replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”
“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

“No, they spread.”

Must be an Irish lass!

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Seeing as its so dang hot out I thought a couple cool drink recipes might be a good idea

Sweet Tea Mojito

Prep Time: 10 min  Cook Time: 10 min  Level: Easy

Directions

Steep 4 or 5 black tea bags, 2 cups turbinado sugar and 2 handfuls of fresh mint in 3 cups simmering water for 5 minutes, stirring to dissolve the sugar. Strain into a pitcher; add the juice of 3 limes, 1 1/2 cups light rum, 1 cup cold water and another handful of mint. Stir vigorously, crushing the mint with a wooden spoon; chill. Serve over ice with lime and more mint.

Turbinado Sugar is simply another name for raw sugar.
It’s often available in Mexican Markets or the Ethnic isle of larger groceries in a  flat topped cone shape. If you cannot find Turbinado or Raw Sugar you can use dark brown sugar in its place.

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Two Fruit Frosty

Ingredients:
1-1/2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries or raspberries
1 cup frozen unsweetened sliced peaches, thawed
1 cup milk
1 cup (8 oz.) vanilla yogurt
1/4 to 1/3 cup honey
1/2 tsp. Ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp. Ground nutmeg
cinnamon sticks, optional

Directions:
Combine blueberries, peaches and milk in a blender; cover and process on high speed. Add yogurt, honey, cinnamon and nutmeg; blend well. Pour into glasses. Garnish with cinnamon sticks if desired. Serve immediately.
Yield: 4 (1-cup) servings

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Crazy Bitch

1 ounce Peach Schnapps
1 ounce Triple Sec
dash of Lime Juice
Cranberry Juice

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice.  Add peach schnapps, triple sec and lime juice.  Shake crazily.  Pour all contents into a tall glass.  Fill with cranberry juice. Garnish with a lime slice.

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White Kiwi Sangria

Prep Time: 20 min  Level: Easy Serves: 4 to 6 servings

Ingredients

    1/2 cup sugar
    1 cup water
    1 (750 ml) bottle white wine
    1 cup orange liqueur, see Cook’s Note*
    1/2 cup lemon juice
    4 kiwis, peeled and cut in thin slices (save a few slices for garnish)
    2 green apples with skin, cored and cut in 1/2-inch cubes
    1 1/2 cups green seedless grapes
    1 bottle soda water (1 liter)
    Ice cubes

Directions

A small saucepan, heat the water, add the sugar and stir to dissolve to make a simple syrup.

In a large pitcher, combine the white wine, the Triple Sec the lemon juice, the kiwis, the apples and the grapes. Add the simple syrup, the soda water and the ice. Stir and serve in sangria glasses decorated with a kiwi slice.

*Cook’s Note: We suggest using Cointreau as your orange liqueur for the best tasting White Kiwi Sangria.

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Honey Punch

Level: Easy

Directions

Dissolve 1/2 cup honey in 1/2 cup boiling water. Let cool, then pour into a pitcher; add the juice of 2 lemons, 2 cups apricot nectar and 1 cup vodka, if desired. Chill. Add a bottle of sparkling apple juice to the pitcher. Serve over ice with lemon slices.

Use the higher proof Vodkas for this

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Ah winter time in the South Central Region…simply electrifying…how I miss it at the moment

 

His name was Lethal Leprechuan, he was from Texas ….. and he needed a loan, so…….

he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Ireland for the Guinness festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Lethal handed over the keys to a new Maybach Zeppelin 62 limo. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Lethal produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man from the south for using a $820,000 Maybach Zeppelin 62 limo as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the limo into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, Lethal returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni of the USNA and WPI, a highly specialized consultant an entrepreneur and a very wealthy man with real estate and a vast financial empire. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Galveston and South Padre Island. You flew to Ireland on your own private G-5 jet, Shamrock One. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow a trifling $5,000?”

The wise ‘ole Leprechaun replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my $820,000 limo for two  weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

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How often do you suppose this guy gets pulled over?

Three guys are fishing together one spring morning, when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance, and falls out of the boat.
Ed says, “What should we do?”
Bill says, “You better jump in after him, he’s been under water for a while and he might need some help.”
So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, “Help me get Fred back in the boat.”
They wrestle Fred back into the boat.
Ed says, “What do we do now, it doesn’t look like he’s breathing.”
Bill says, “Give him mouth to mouth.”
Ed starts to blow air into Fred’s mouth and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember Fred having such bad breath.”
Bill says, “Come to think of it, I don’t think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either.”

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Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. “The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,” she said.
“Oh good,” he said, “Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!”

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Two Bubbas are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.

They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”

The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn’t salty, there are a ton of hungry fish.”

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, “Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty.”

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. “Nope. Still salty.”

Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. “Nope, still salty.”

One hour later, they check again.

“Nope. Still salty.”

“This isn’t good,” the fisherman finally says. “We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!”

“I know,” says the other. “And the bucket is almost empty!”

Last  Parting Shot Scope on Man

 

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Shamrock Heart Closing

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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