Leprechaun Laughs # 99 for Friday 08/05


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Good Morning Folks.

Can’t muster any enthusiasm for it being Friday today. I’m coming to you direct from my couch as I’ve been sick with the latest whatever is going around since early Wednesday evening. Couple illness with the high heat and enthusiasm and energy are the first to go and the last apparently to return. While I feel substantially better than I did Wednesday night and most of Thursday even cracking a smile is too much effort and would require an after smile nap. The only reason I’m not in bed is my back couldn’t take any more in in the bed for the moment.

Our dangerous heat warning continues for Texas, they extended it Wednesday afternoon thru Friday evening and most likely they will be extending it through the weekend unless I miss my guess. LMBO as I was writing the previous line my e-mail handler chimed indicating new e-mails have arrived and there was the notice of extension though Saturday night.

Some of you are baffled apparently regard what the warning and extremely high heat indexes mean in practical everyday terms. I suppose until you experience them first hand there are sort of an abstract concept so let me see if I can put it in terms you can relate to for you.

IT’S SO HOT in Texas
…..the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
….the trees are whistling for the dogs.
….the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance (true)
….hot water comes from both taps. (cold water temp from tap is 88 here)
….you can make sun tea instantly. (1 gallon in 30 minutes in a shaded window actually)
….you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron(true).
….the temperature drops below 35 C (95 F) and you feel a little chilly.
….you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.(true)

….you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.(true)
….you actually burn your hand opening the car door.(true)
….you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M. (try 5 AM)
….your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death”?
….you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage. (no asphalt is used in Texas because of this. Everything is concrete. You learn concrete is reflective fast)
….the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
….the cows are giving evaporated milk.
….farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs …

IT’S SO DRY IN Texas that:

the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

Now Lets Laugh Like We Got All Weekend For Our Sides To Stop Hurting!

not strong enough

At the rate the economy is going this will be me soon!

 

PSA Recall

 

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List of brands and products:

http://www.emergencyemail.org/newsemergency/anmviewer.asp?a=1304&z=1

sportspage

 

Day Care

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University.

The Director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities.

To assure herself of the center’s high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
“Well,” said the director, eyes twinkling, “today we are studying the children ‘s’ favorite philosopher: Play-Doh.”

 

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A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mail- box sat on, but to save the beloved old box.
I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window…
“I tried that,” he said, “but the bills just keep on coming.”

ham string pull

 

Muldoon and Willy

Sean Muldoon loved his dog, Willy, and he walked the dog constantly through town. When Muldoon and Willy would go on their walks, they would stop to talk to just about everyone they met along the way. Naturally, everyone in town eventually knew both Muldoon and Willy. This went on for years.
One sad day Ol’ Sean Muldoon went on his usual walk, but this time he walked all alone without Willy. Patrick O’Halloran was the first to spy Ol’ Sean without his faithful companion. “Where’s Willy?” Asked O’Halloran.
“‘Tis a sad day ‘tis, Patrick,” replied Muldoon. “I had to put poor ol’ Willy down, I did. I loved that dog dearly.”
“Oh no,” cried O’Halloran, “Did he go rabid? Was he mad?”
“Well, he was none too pleased,” said Muldoon.

Hallmark Card

 

A woman is distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.

So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn’t seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband’s cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.
He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
“He’s dead,” she replies.
“Dead?” the doctor asked. “What happened?”
The woman replied,

“He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.”

!cid_X_MA1_1312222621@aol

 

If you are on Facebook, I am sure you will find this hilarious

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the “Heroin Addiction Department (HAD),” the “Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)” and the “Bingo Addiction Department (BAD).” Then she spotted the department she was looking for: “Facebook Addiction Department (FAD).”

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,”I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows.”

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.”

“I just don’t understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the ‘like’ button.”

“How long has it been?”

“Almost five minutes. That’s like five months in the real world.”

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

“Please have a seat, Edna,” he said with a warm smile. “And tell me how it all started.”

“Well, it’s all my grandson’s fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book.”

“How soon were you hooked?”

“Faster than you can say ‘create a profile.’ I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day — and more times at night. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn’t like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.”

“What do you like most about Facebook?”

“It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I’m even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya.”

“Who’s he?”

“I don’t know, but he’s got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous.”

“Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see.”

“Oh yes. I’ve even connected with some of the gals from high school — I still call them ‘gals.’ I hadn’t heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who’s retired, who’s still working, and who’s had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they’ve been on vacation, which movies they’ve watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I’ve also been playing a game with some of them.”

“Let me guess. Farmville?”

“No, Mafia Wars. I’m a Hitman. No one messes with Edna.”

“Wouldn’t you rather meet some of your friends in person?”

“No, not really. It’s so much easier on Facebook. We don’t need to gussy ourselves up. We don’t need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That’s the best thing about Facebook — you can’t smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I’m pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. “

“What pic are you using?”

“Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn’t find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon.”

“To make yourself look prettier?”

“No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That’s what I’m using.”

“Didn’t your friends notice that you look different?”

“Some of them did, but I just told them I’ve been doing lots of yoga.”

“When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?”

“I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: ‘I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'”

“What did you do?”

“What else? I unfriended him of course!”

 

The Bacon Flow Chart

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Celtic Cupboard

Bacon Pie!

Ingredients:

12 slices of bacon, cooked and crumbled

1 cup shredded Swiss cheese
1/3 cup chopped onion (I love onions, but that’s too much. I cut it down to a scant 1/4 cup.)
2 cups milk
4 eggs
1 cup Bisquick
1/8 teaspoon pepper

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Grease 10 X 1 1/2 inch pie plate
Sprinkle bacon, cheese, and onion in pie plate.
Beat remaining ingredients 15 seconds in blender on high speed.
Pour into pie plate.
Bake 35- 40 minutes or until knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

A couple comments from your Celtic Chef here:

  • I sauté the onion in with the bacon then drain it all well on paper toweling.
  • Often I substitute precooked real bacon bits in pouch or jar (Hormel is one brand) to speed things along. I spread this on paper toweling and microwave it for about 20 and then blot off any excess grease.
  • You can substitute green onion or fresh chives for yellow red or white onion
  • The type of cheese is not set in stone, experiment and indulge yourself.
  • This comes out best in a glass pie plate on a cookie sheet to catch the spills.

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Jogger finds 25 bricks of cocaine on Galveston beach

By HARVEY RICE HOUSTON CHRONICLE Aug. 3, 2011, 10:33AM

GALVESTON — A jogger on Galveston Island discovered a bag in the surf Tuesday containing 25 bricks of cocaine with an estimated street value of $2 million.

The jogger, whose name police are withholding, discovered the bag about 9:30 a.m. near Indian Beach, police spokesman Cpt. Jeff Heyse said.

He lugged the heavy bag to his residence and slashed it open to find 25 bricks of cocaine, each weighing 1 kilogram or 2.2 pounds, bundled in plastic wrap and rubber, Heyse said.

Recognizing the packages as cocaine from television programs, the jogger phoned police, Heyse said. The bricks tested positive for cocaine, he said.

The wholesale value of each brick is about $675,000, he said.

Heyse speculated that the cocaine could have been dumped overboard by drug runners at the approach of a U.S. Coast Guard vessel or may have been intentionally allowed to drift into the beach for a pickup.

And they say it never snows on the Gulf Coast! Beats the hell out of medical waste washing up any day!

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The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope replies, “I am the Pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The Pope, “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
“Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me…” St. Peter asked.
The Pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic Church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic Church…Never heard of it… Wait, I’ll check with the Boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God. “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of… Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.” (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: “Yes, Father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus said, “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes, St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing. Jesus said, “Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”

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A woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond necklace.
Her husband asks,“Where did you get the necklace?”
She replies, “Oh, I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?”
The next day, she arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. “Where did you get the bracelet?” asks her husband, and again she replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?”
The third day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”
She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!”
He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”

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This Might be written about a dog but applies equally well to cats too.

Just A Dog

From time to time, people tell me, “lighten up, it’s just a dog,”
or, “that’s a lot of money for just a dog.”
They don’t understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for “just a dog.”
Some of my proudest moments have come about with “just a dog.”
Many hours have passed and my only company was “just a dog,”
but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by “just a dog,”
and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of “just a dog” gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it’s “just a dog,” then you will probably understand
phrases like “just a friend,” “just a sunrise,” or “just a promise.”
“Just a dog” brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust,
and pure unbridled joy.
“Just a dog” brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person.
Because of “just a dog”, I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future.
So for me and folks like me, it’s not “just a dog” but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future,
the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
“Just a dog” brings out what’s good in me and diverts my thoughts away
from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that it’s not “just a dog”,
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being
“just a man or woman.”
So the next time you hear the phrase “just a dog”
just smile…
because they “just don’t understand.”

Written by an unknown Doctor of Veterinary Medicine.
From the Therapy Dog Inc. News Magazine

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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3 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs # 99 for Friday 08/05

  1. Destin says:

    awesome blog, do you have twitter or facebook? i will bookmark this page thanks.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      You have to love French spammers like Destin and Feucht. So complementary, so casual in their phishing for the next place to spam.
      So full unapologetically full of MERDE!

      • impishdragon says:

        LL,
        You’re having so much fun with these guys, you can take care of mattcut90, also. When you’re done with him, can I use him for kindling?
        Impish

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