I ought to be posting this banner under the too much time on my hands header!
Morning fellow corporate rat racers!
Well today’s issue is going to be a memorable one one way or another. It’s either going to mark the dawn of a new era here at Dragon Laffs Enterprises, one of our ability to preload blogs to post automatically at pre-assigned times OR it’s going to mark the day I beat myself to death with a Laptop over my head and Impish finds himself once again upside-down and flying solo in the clouds.
It’s currently Monday evening as I draft this opening. If all goes right this issue should post at 5 AM EST on Wednesday. IF things go wrong only the Internet and Murphy himself know when it will be seen.
tUESDAY UPDATE: it’s NOT EVEN BLOODY HUMP DAY YET AND I’VE GOT PROBLEMS! I WENT AND POSTED THIS TO THE “LAUNCH PAD” AS SOON AS I FINISHED IT Monday NIGHT. COME round to THIS MORNING THERE IS iMPISH WITH HALF MY JOKES AND A YOUTUBE FROM THIS ISSUE SPLASHED ALL OVER HIS ISSUE! FORTUNATELY I WAS ABLE TO RECALL THE POST ( I think) TO EDIT IT. I AM LEAVING ONE OF THE GRAPHICS HE USED DELIBERATELY BECAUSE I HAD A COMMENT ABOUT IT. I’M NOT REALLY MAD AT iMPISH THIS IS JUST GOING TO BE ANOTHER LEARNING CURVE WITH THIS SHAReD BLOG THING. besides I HAVE OTHER WAYS OF GETTING EVEN WITH HIM!
A few of you have been kind enough to write asking about the oppressive heat and the wildfires down here both of which have dropped off the news radar. Well let me let the Texas Forest Service and the National Weather Service field those questions for me.
COLLEGE STATION — The Texas Forest Service says a record 248 counties have outdoor burn bans as the drought continues during oppressive summer heat.
The previous record, prior to this year’s drought, was set in January 2006 with 221 Texas counties having outdoor burn bans. That mark was passed in June.
The National Weather Service says parts of Texas are under an excessive heat warning until Thursday night, with the heat index possibly exceeding 110 degrees
Oh yeah that “possibly exceeding” stuff? Make that a definitely exceeding. Today (Tuesday as I RE-write this) WE HAVE A WEATHER ALERT FOR A heat index likely to hit 114 or better!
Make that next cup of coffee an iced one please!
Some of you have also kindly inquired regarding Tropical Storm Don and if he brought any relief. Alas Don was apparently a Democratic storm, mostly full of hot air and empty promises of hope and change that fell apart when it came time to put up or shut up at the coast line.
Things are in fact so dry down here and what rain that is falling is in such negligible amounts that the national weather Service is having to invent new technology to detect and measure it. Seen here is their newest technological development the Texas Rain Gauge
Now Let’s Laugh Before We’re Too Hot To!
Yup, I can think of one unlike the dragon:
make a fresh pot if you take the last damned cup!
The Hill recently released its annual list of Capitol Hill’s 50 most beautiful people. That’s a lot of people to go through, so we’ve done the hard work for you and pulled the top ten most beautiful women from their ranks. Click through to see them all.
(that last link only gets you their top ten you;ll want the first link if like me and Impish you are greedy for the site of hot babes
Thomas Flanagan was trying to learn the game of golf and having just a stinking time of it. “I would give nearly anything to get this game right, I would!” Thomas loudly exclaimed in exasperation.
Suddenly Satan himself appeared out of thin air and asked Thomas, “Anything?”
Of course, Thomas was quite surprised to find the Devil, himself, speaking to him. “Well…I guess, short of selling my soul, yes I would,” replied Thomas.
So Satan offered, “How about giving up sex for the remainder of your life?”
Thomas was quite taken aback by the offer, but he gave a wide grin as he quickly accepted the devil‘s offer. “Done!” he said.
Thomas finished his round of golf in remarkably good form, so the rumor of his deal with Satan rapidly spread throughout the course clubhouse. Timothy O’Shea was one of the club’s members, but he was also a news reporter who smelled a story in the making.
Back in the clubhouse O’Shea asked Thomas, “Sir, there is a rumor going around the clubhouse that you made a deal with the Devil, himself, to become a truly great golfer. Is there any truth to that rumor?”
“Yes sir! It is true enough, it is,” answered Thomas. “And it was a wise bargain on my part, for I just completed a nearly perfect round of golf, I did.”
“And is it also true that you gave up sex for the rest of your life as your part of the agreement?” asked O’Shea.
“Again your are right, sir. True again!” replied Thomas Flanagan.
“And may I get your name, sir, for my story?” asked the reporter.
“But of course. It’s Flanagan. Father Thomas Flanagan.”
Reasons You Should Buy a New Car
– Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
– Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
– You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
– 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
– When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
– Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the “Club”.
– While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
– For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom, vroom’ noises while in the driveway.
– You keep losing dates on left turns.
As promised this week we’re doing some slightly unusual Marinades, BBQ Sauces and some spice rubs.
Magic Steak Dip Recipe
This dip will produce the most incredible grilled steak you have ever had in your life. It makes 2 quarts, but it lasts forever in the refrigerator.
1 (20 ounce) bottle good-quality soy sauce
1 (10 ounce) bottle Worcestershire sauce
1 (10 ounce) bottle A-1 Steak Sauce
1 (10 ounce) bottle Heinz 57 Sauce
1 pound light brown sugar
2 teaspoons granulated garlic or garlic powder
2 teaspoons onion powder
1 teaspoon freshly-ground pepper
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1/3 cup prepared mustard
2 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
Mix all ingredients in a large glass or stainless steel bowl. Whisk until well blended. Store in tightly sealed jars in the refrigerator.
To use, pour a small amount of the dip in a nonporous baking dish and dip the steaks in it, coating both sides well. Marinate for about 30 minutes before cooking, turning often. Grill or broil to desired degree of doneness.
1 cup strong brewed coffee, cooled
6 ounces molasses, by weight (about 1/2 cup)
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon dijon mustard
2 cloves garlic, minced
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
6 to 8 sprigs fresh thyme
Combine the coffee, molasses, vinegar, mustard, garlic, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon pepper, the ginger, thyme and pork chops in a 1-gallon zip-top bag; seal and shake to combine.
The darker roast the coffee the more pronounced the coffee flavor will be
Chipotle-Mango BBQ Sauce & Marinade
1 1/2 cups mango, peeled, pitted and roughly chopped
3/4 cup fresh cilantro (loose pack, not chopped, stems and all)
2 chipotle peppers in adobo, plus 1 tablespoon adobo sauce
2 tablespoons unseasoned rice wine vinegar
4 cloves garlic, peeled
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon canola oil, plus extra for grill
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
2 pounds chicken thighs and drumsticks, bone in, skin on
Put the mango, cilantro, chipotle, vinegar, garlic, lemon juice, 1 tablespoon of oil and salt and pepper, in a food processor and puree until smooth. Adjust seasonings, to taste.
Pour half the mango mixture to a resealable plastic bag, and use as marinade. Refrigerate at least 6 hours to marinate.
Put the other half of the mango mixture into a small saucepan and simmer over low heat until thick, stirring often, about 15 minutes. Set some of the simmered chipotle-mango sauce aside to serve on the side and baste the every few minutes with the rest of the sauce.
You got to love a recipie that does double duty! Good with chicken pork or shrimp
RED WINE BARBECUE SAUCE
2 teaspoons fresh Rosemary, minced
2 shallots, peeled and minced
1 tablespoon olive oil
3/4 cup red wine
2/3 cup tomato puree
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 cup dark brown sugar
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
3 tablespoons unsulphured molasses
1 teaspoon Tabasco
1 teaspoon liquid Hickory smoke
2 teaspoons Coleman’s English dry mustard
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tablespoon butter
In a saucepan, sauté shallots in oil 4-5 minutes, or just until they begin to take on a little color. After 2 minutes, add Rosemary and garlic.
Add wine and bring to a boil. Then reduce heat and simmer until there is only half the amount of liquid remaining in pan.
Stir in tomato puree, then add remaining ingredients (except butter). Simmer 15 minutes or until sauce is thickened.
Season to taste with salt and pepper. Stir in butter and allow to cool to room temperature before using.
Store unused sauce tightly covered in refrigerator for up to 1 week.
good with beef and country style pork ribs. Goes well on game. Changing the type of wine will produce a definite change in the end product as well. Keep in mind that the wine flavor will intensify as the sauce reduces.
Lastly if you would not drink the wine do not cook with it!
PINEAPPLE GINGER BARBECUE SAUCE
1 can pineapple chunks, in syrup
1 2-inch chunk fresh ginger, peeled
4 cloves garlic, peeled
1/3 cup soy sauce
3 tablespoons molasses
3 tablespoons cornstarch
large pinch hot red pepper flakes
Put all ingredients into a blender (including juice from pineapple can) and process until smooth. Simmer over low heat, uncovered, until mixture thickens; about 25 minutes.
Pour into a clean jar and refrigerate until ready to use. Keeps up to 2 weeks.
Cook’s Note: Allow to cool before using, if sauce is to be used right away.
Quick Version (no ginger): Combine pineapple (with syrup), cornstarch and soy sauce and proceed as above.
White Barbecue Sauce
1/2 cup Mayonnaise
1/4 Apple Cider Vinegar
1/2 tsp Prepared Horseradish
1/2 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1/4 tsp Cayanne Pepper or Hot Sauce.
Mix all ingredients togeather and serve as topping/sauce/condiment for any white meat
Guy Fieri’s Mojo Spice Rub
1 tablespoon black pepper
2 tablespoons kosher salt
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon dried oregano
Sazon is a type of seasoned salt found in Spanish and Mexican markets. The seasoning is used on meats, fish, poultry and even to flavor soups and stews. One popular brand is by Goya Foods. Typical ingredients include, cilantro, achiote, garlic, salt. It is somewhat similar to Sofrito which would be the Puerto Rican, Caribbean & Latin equivalent.
This is a home version of the well-know Latino seasoning referred to as Sazon.
3 medium onions; chopped
1 ea pepper, bell, green; seeded, chopped
1 ea pepper, bell, red; seeded, chopped
4 lg garlic cloves; peeled, chopped
1 tablespoon oregano
1 cup scallions; chopped, both -green and white
1/2 cup parsley; coarsely chopped
1/2 cup coriander (cilantro); chopped
1 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
1 tablespoon paprika, sweet
1 cup tomato paste
1 cup oil, olive
1/2 cup vinegar, white
salt; to taste
Combine all ingredients and blend, bit by bit, to a puree in blender. Pour into saucepan and simmer, stirring constantly, for 5 minutes. Cool and place in a clean bottle or jar with a tight fitting lid. Used to flavor stews, beans, rice and vegetables
Paul Prudhomme’s Seasoning Mix Recipe
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon paprika
1 1/2 teaspoons garlic powder
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon ground white pepper
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
In a small bowl, mix all ingredients together.
Yields 1/4 cup.
Emeril’s “Essence” Seasonings
Save a small fortune and make your own! a 3/4 oz. bottle of each of these in a 4 pack will cost you between $16 and $20 depending where you buy them. For the cost of roughly a single 4 pack you can make about 4 times that amount of each one!
Personally I leave the salt out of all of them so I can more easily control the amount of salt in my cooking and avoid unwanted or needed extra sodium
Creole Seasoning (also referred to as Bayou Blast)
2 1/2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 tablespoon black pepper
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dried thyme
Combine all ingredients thoroughly.
Emeril’s Southwest Seasoning:
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 tablespoons paprika
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 tablespoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon dried oregano
Combine all ingredients thoroughly. Yield: 1/2 cup
8 tablespoons paprika
3 tablespoons cayenne
5 tablespoons freshly ground black pepper
6 tablespoons garlic powder
3 tablespoons onion powder
6 tablespoons salt
2 1/2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 1/2 tablespoons dried thyme
Combine all ingredients and store in an air-tight container
This is great on chicken & pork or on potatoes tossed w/ a little olive oil and then oven roasted. It even make a great seasoning for pasta toss you favorite cooked pasta with butter & grated cheese to taste and season liberally with ths blend. Combined with olive oil and juice of a small lemon, it can be used to marinade shrimp before grilling on skewers
Emeril’s Italian Essence
* paprika…2-1/2 Tbsp
* salt…2 Tbsp
* garlic powder…2 Tbsp
* black pepper…1 Tbsp
* onion powder…1 Tbsp
* cayenne pepper…1 Tbsp
* dried leaf oregano…1 Tbsp
* dried thyme…1 Tbsp
Combine all ingredients thoroughly and store in an airtight jar or container.
This is a good seasoning for just about any dish.
Next time: Ahhh…I don’t know yet. Maybe some crockpot recipes since I’m cooking there as much as possible to keep the temp inside down and the A/C from coming on too often.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four! Damn, you’re right.”
Old man Gallagher is lying on his deathbed after a vigorous life of 89 years. Gathered around him are his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, who are all saddened and teary-eyed at the nearing finale of Gallagher’s very long and productive life.
The weakened old man is in a deep coma, and old Doc O’Brien has said that the waiting should be over in less than twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, Gallagher opens his eyes, awakening from his coma, and remarks, “I must be in heaven already! I smell grandmother’s potato cakes!”
“No, grandfather,” says young Sean, a grandson. “You are not in heaven yet. Grandmother is baking home made bread and potato cakes right now as we speak.”
The dying Gallagher says, “Sean, could you please fulfill my last dying request. This will be the last time that I taste one of grandmother’s famously delicious potato cakes.”
“Would you please go down and get me just a small piece?” the old man asks with what is left of his rapidly declining breath.
Sean immediately dispatches young Michael, one of Gallagher’s great grandchildren, to fulfill the old man’s last request.
After quite a long time, young Michael returns empty-handed.
“Did you bring me one last piece of your great grandmother’s delicious potato cakes, Michael?” the dying old man asks.
“I’m very sorry great grandfather,” young Michael sheepishly replies. “But she says it’s for the funeral.”
*PRACTICAL ITALIAN GRANDPA*
(or*Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.*)
An old Italian man is dying and says to his grandson: “you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissin-a me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots-a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe find-a you wife inna bed with another man…
Whatt-a you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time’s Up’?”
I’m not sure which is worse for guys, the above scenario or peeing on an electric fence! Impish I hear you’ve deliberately done both, any insight?
My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.
“As an environmentalist,” she declared, “I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils.”
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. “Very beautiful,” he said politely. “Ivory.
An old gentleman wearing a beat-up old leather flying jacket sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him… She turned to the man
and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying; biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, T-6s, flew
in WWII in a B-25, and later Sabre jets in the Korean conflict. I taught 50 people to fly and
gave rides to hundreds, so yes, I guess I am a pilot.’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian.
“How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?”
“It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had
a premature ejaculation.” “What did he say when it occurred?” “He
just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across.”
I’ve deliberately obscured the number on the photo at Impish’s request so his cell number doesn’t get out, He’s afraid being so popular as he is he’d never get any peace and quiet. I think he means popular with bill collectors, process servers, ex~wives and irate husbands!
Things your Mother would NEVER say…
– Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
– Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
– That outfit isn’t sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
– Why don’t you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
– The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.
– Don’t clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
– Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
– Naw, you don’t have to call me, I’ll eventually figure it out if you’re in trouble.
During my brother’s wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying—until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather’s wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother’s tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
“Well, I’m sorry to ruin your moment,” Grandmother replied, “but I was just checking his pulse to see if he was still alive.”
A woman was doing the laundry in the apartment building’s basement. She had just finished washing and drying one load and was getting ready to start another load when she decided to wash the nightgown she was wearing.
She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is naked and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs when she noticed her son’s football helmet lying on the shelf. She grabbed the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean clothes, and turned around.
There stood the maintenance man who quickly said, “I don’t know which team you are playing for ma’am, but I sure hope you win.”
Personally I’m hoping for a copy of the team photo!