Good Morning Readers.
I have a couple of administrative notes for you regarding some changes to Leprechaun Laughs format before we got to the laughing part this morning.
Impish has said that this is supposed to be fun for him and I first and foremost. Well for me personally for some time now it has not been. I have become increasing frustrated that all the hard work we both were putting into our respective issues was getting us exactly no place with attempting to make blog grow and flourish. I cannot speak for Impish but I was spending between four and six hours assembling each issue, That’s not “fun” that’s a part time job. So after talking with a couple of you, who probably never even knew your opinions were being polled as well as with Impish and Molly I’m instituting a few changes starting today in an attempt to return making Leprechaun Laughs as fun a thing for me as it is for you.
First off, though I will still probably loosely follow Impish’s set format I’m not going to feel bound by it any longer, Leprechaun Laughs as it will be hence forth known to underline the difference between us will have its own style and identity just as it has its own tone and voice. I have been slowly trying out different things over the last month to see what worked and if anything got raves or rants. Unfortunately all I got was crickets chirping.
I think it was Dan pointed out a while ago that I was not getting the comments and chat back I was looking for because I was preaching to the choir. Molly bless her soul pointed out that:
- It isn’t the choir who needs the preaching to it’s the heathens and from experience I can tell you when their minds are closed and their mouths are open, just like Liberals’ are conversion is not a possibility.
- A soapbox looses its impact if you are always on it shouting about something or other. Both were right and the time effort and research that goes into write a Last Word (at least for me) is probably about a third to half of the time required to put an issue together.
So as of today I will no longer be doing a Last Word as the regular ending to my Leprechaun Laughs issues. If there is something so monumental as to require one you may occasionally see a rant or a Sunday Editorial/Week in Review Extra but this should be the exception and not the rule from now on.
Also I will be experimenting with different graphics, styles, fonts and content features as well as over all looks during the course of the next several weeks. I’m hoping at least some of you will rouse yourselves from your lethargy of indifference long enough to post a comment either in the comments section or to me personally about what you like and do not like about the different looks and features rotating through.
OK Enough housekeeping and explaining.
A couple of you have written asking about the heat and the weather down here in Texas and if its anything like the extreme heat you have been experiencing. The short answer is what you are experience is what we call normal bout seven months a year. Here let me illustrate:
HOW HOT IS IT IN TEXAS ??
This is Elliot, a British Bulldog, and this is an “un-posed” picture (trust me, you couldn’t actually make Elliot do anything) of said pooch trying to beat the TEXAS heat after his owners emptied their cooler in the driveway in Sachse , TEXAS .
One picture is worth a thousand words……
An Italian Protest
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME BLOODY INBACILE OF DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON’T MESS WITH LEPRECHAUNS!!!!
The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to piss off anybody.”
A brief flash of Irish Philosophy we call Seamusisms:
I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!
You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!
How come every time you dial a wrong number it’s never busy?
Catherine asked, “Hello, Molly. How are your new false teeth?” Molly replied, “I’m leaving them out till I get used to them.”
A True Irishman gets married for life, but not necessarily for love.
A true Irishman gets more Irish the farther he gets from Ireland.
A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.
A true Irishman considers anyone who won’t come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn. (Aha! Now I know where I got that trait!)
A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies
A true Irishman cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle
A true Irishman considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever.
A true Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time.
Brian O’Connell drives a double-decker bus through the streets of Dublin. One day a very drunk Timothy Fogarty climbed aboard Brian’s bus taking a seat on the bottom deck near Brian. As you may or may not know, Brian is required not to allow any drunks onto his bus, but today he was rather light-hearted so he decided to let the inebriated Fogarty remain on board.
As is his wont when he has had a few Timothy began talking a mean streak, which made Brian suggest that Timothy should sit on the upper deck.
“The air up there is clean and fresh, and you will get a much improved view,” encouraged Brian.
Fogarty agreed and stumbled his way up top. However, he returned in only a few minutes.
“What’s wrong?” Brian asked. “Didn’t you like it better up there?”
Timothy replied, “It’s okay. But it’s too dangerous.”
“Too dangerous?” queried Brian. “How is that?”
“There’s no driver,” answered Fogarty.
Old man Fogarty arrives home several hours past closing time, and he is still feeling the effects of a long night of imbibing, he is. As he stumbles through his front door who does he meet, but none other than Missus Fogarty, herself. And Missus Fogarty is none too pleased with the condition of Mister Fogarty, don‘t you know.
“Aw, well look at this, now!” says the missus. “Mister Fogarty Himself has finally decided to grace us with his presence, he has.”
“Well, I…” begins Fogarty. But Missus Fogarty quickly interrupts.
“Michael Fogarty! Don’t you give me any of your lame excuses! At what Irish pub have you been wasting away all of my hard earned wages this time?” demands Missus Fogarty.
“At this beautiful new establishment, my love,” replies Fogarty. “It is called The Golden Pub. Everything there is golden, everything, I tell you.”
“Don’t you ‘My Love’ me Michael Fogarty. And don’t you be tellin’ me one of your tall tales. You know there is no such place as the Golden Pub. The Good Lord will punish you for telling’ such lies, He will.”
But Fogarty insists, “Sure, but there is such a place, Missus Fogarty! It has huge golden doors, an’ a golden floor, an’ a golden foot rail at the bar. Pray that the Good Lord will strike me down where I stand if I’m a lyin’. Missus Fogarty, even the urinal is gold!”
But Missus Fogarty does not believe ol’ Fogarty’s story and says, “Don’t you be takin’ the Good Lord’s name in vain Michael Fogarty. Golden Pub, indeed! Off to bed with ya’ now. Go sleep it off!”
But the very next mornin’ finds Missus Fogarty poring through the phone book, searching for a saloon called The Golden Pub. Sure enough, she finds a bar far across Dublin with the same name.
Missus dials the number listed to check on ol’ Fogarty’s story. “Is this the Golden Pub?” she asks as the bartender answers the phone.
“It is,” replies the bartender.
“An’ do you have huge golden doors?” asks Missus Fogarty.
“But of course we do, Missus,” answers the bartender.
“Do you have golden floors too?”
“That we do, missus.”
“An’ a golden foot rail at the bar?” queries Missus Fogarty.
“Yes, ma’am. We have that too.”
“What about golden urinals?”
Then there is a long pause…after which Missus Fogarty hears the bartender yelling in the background, “Hey, O‘Hara, I think I just got a lead on who took a leak in your saxophone!”
Well that explains Impish’s affection for the show!
Grandma’s Zucchini Cake Recipe
Prep time: 15 minutes
- Cook time: 45 minutes
The frosting amount assumes that you are going to keep the cake in the pan and only frost the top. If you plan on removing the cake from the pan and frosting the sides, you’ll want to up the frosting amounts.
- 2 cups flour
- 2 teaspoons cinnamon (can sub 1 teaspoon with other spices such as allspice and nutmeg, go easy on the cloves though)
- 2 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
- 3 eggs
- 2 cups white, granulated sugar
- 1 cup vegetable oil
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon grated lemon zest (optional, my addition)
- 2 cups (from about 3-4 regular sized zucchini) grated un-peeled zucchini (place grated zucchini in a sieve and press out some of the excess moisture before measuring)
- 1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans (my grandmother recommends black walnuts)
- 1/2 cup golden raisins (optional)
- 3 ounces cream cheese, softened to room temperature (Philadelphia cream cheese recommended)
- 1/4 cup butter, room temperature
- 1 1/2 to 2 cups of powdered sugar
1 Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter a 9×12 or 9×13 baking pan (I used a pyrex pan).
2 In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, cinnamon, baking soda, salt, and baking powder. Set aside.
3 In a mixer, beat the 3 eggs on high speed until frothy. Lower the speed and beat in the sugar, vegetable oil, vanilla, and lemon zest (if using). Stir in the flour mixture, a third at a time. Stir in the zucchini and chopped nuts and/or raisins.
4 Pour mixture into a 9×12 or 9×13 baking pan. Bake at 350°F for 40 to 45 minutes. (My grandmother’s notes say you can also bake in an angel food pan for 1 hour.) Remove from oven and let cool completely before frosting. (While the cake is cooling, let the frosting’s cream cheese and butter sit at room temperature to soften.)
5 To make the frosting, beat together the cream cheese and butter. Add the powdered sugar and beat until smooth.
Frost the cake and serve. Store covered with aluminum foil.
Yield: Makes about 20 pieces.
Wavy Gravy was the opening act and everyone did the Mashed Potato
Old Paddy is at the bar and he’s in one of his drink until everything is forgotten stages.
The bartender [a good friend] continually tells him he’s had enough and to go home.
Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares “I’m going home”, promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.
He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.
The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, “Paddy, you were drunk last night weren’t you?”. Paddy replies, “Yes, but I didn’t think I was that drunk, how did you know?”. To which the bartender replies, “You left your wheelchair at the bar”.
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, ” wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”
“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “the curlers are on the house.”
Dear girls with big boobs,
Yes, we understand you have tons of problems. At least millions of people find your “problems” attractive.
Sincerely, girls with small boobs.
Dear Curious George,
If you’re so curious, why haven’t you bothered to figure out my name?
Sincerely, the Man in the Yellow Hat.
If anybody asks, I got you while I was fighting the evil space pirates trying to take over the world.
Sincerely, the real reason is boring.
Dear “you can never have too much of a good thing”,
Yes you can.
Sincerely, it’s called “hoarding.”
Dear non-flammable ,
Please stop hogging all my skittles.
Dear unbreakable tupperwear and knife that can cut through anything,
My money is on the knife.
Sincerely, let the battle begin!
When you get cold, do you get human bumps?
Dear yoga instructor,
You are an alien.
Sincerely, that’s impossible.
Dear English teacher,
No we are not acting like three year olds. A three year old wouldn’t find the word “climax” funny.
Sincerely, an easily amused 15 year old.
Dear thirteen-year-olds “in love”,
Sincerely, well that was nice while it lasted.
When did that happen?
Dear voice in my head,
I would listen to to you a lot more if you had a British accent.
Sincerely, American voices are so dull…
No one likes a midget.
Dear Burger King,
Your motto is, “Have it your way” but when I ask for a bacon milkshake your employees give me a hard time.
Sincerely, upset customer.
Dear old lady who cut me in line,
It’s okay, you’re first in line to die, too.
Sincerely, I can wait…
We stayed up all night studying, you can stay up all night grading.
Dear inventor of tampons,
How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone?
Please make your playgrounds supersized for us dedicated customers…
Sincerely, stuck in the slide.
Dear mothers and fathers,
Merely giving the excuse that your child has ADHD does not make up for the fact that your child is misbehaving.
Sincerely, parenting… Learn it.
Dear My Little Pony,
Please get rid of the tattoos on your butts
Sincerely, now my little girl wants a tramp stamp…
Dear “popular” girl,
Before you insult me for being flat chested, please make sure that the toilet paper in your bra isn’t visible.
Dear person in a chatroom who wrote “I’m deprest”,
I would be too if my spelling was that terrible.
Sincerely, content grammar Nazi.
Relax. If we don’t notice when you’re wearing new clothes or have your hair in a different way, we most likely won’t notice when you’ve have a tiny pimple or have gained 2 pounds.
Sincerely, men everywhere.
I survived Y2K, bird flu, mad cow disease, swine flu, AND the Rapture.
Sincerely, BRING IT.
Well, F you too.
Sincerely, sleep deprived.
Dear rest of the world,
Where are you when we have OUR natural disasters.
Sincerely, the USA.
Dear Dr. Phil,
More kids are addicted to Facebook than marijuana.
Dear Black Angus restaurant,
Please repair your bright sign. The ‘G’ in Angus is missing and my grandpa can’t stop laughing.
Sincerely, driving by.
Don’t leave the toy out just because I’m over 10 and ordering a Happy Meal.
Sincerely, filing a complaint.
Dear automatic flush,
Literally just scared the crap out of me.
Sincerely, flushing again…
If you were taught to speak English by people from England, then why do you have an American accent?
Sincerely, really Disney?
Dear radio stations,
You do realize there are more than just five songs in the world, right?
Sincerely, I have like 2,000 on my iPod…
Dear guys in health class,
How do you know more about a vagina than we do?!
Sincerely, the concerned girls in your class.
Dear British children,
Do you elect a class king instead of a class president?
Sincerely, must know.
Do you kill all of your visitors?
Please stay in when I fart.
Sincerely, that’s not gonna come out in the washer.
Dear Jehovah’s Witnesses,
Did you seriously just try the door handle?!
Sincerely, geez, must be important…
Dear strangers who harass me about smoking,
I’ll quit smoking when you quit drinking high fructose corn syrup, quit driving your hummer, and quit drinking three pots of coffee a day.
Sincerely, at least I don’t smoke in crowded areas.
Dear deaf friend,
When people yawn, do you think they’re screaming?
Sincerely, just curious.
Dear girl with too much make-up,
Someone misses coloring books, huh?
Dear Youtube commenters,
Just because you have the right to free speech doesn’t mean you have the intellect to use it.
Sincerely, how are you that stupid?!
Dear person who asked me if I just cut my hair,
No, I didn’t cut it, I dyed the tips invisible.
Sincerely, come on.
If the shoe fit so perfect, why did it fall off in the first place?
Sincerely, your curious Prince