Good Morning Campers! Can you believe this heat???!!! Yesterday, here in Indiana, we reached a heat index of 119ºF!!! And today is supposed to be the worst day this week. That’s crazy!
You know, we’ve all heard stories of how hot it gets in the car with the windows rolled up, well, yesterday, I put an internal food thermometer on my dashboard. I had originally had the windows down, but we got a rain shower and I had to go out and put them up. I promptly forgot about it until after work. When I went out to go home, I checked that thermometer and you won’t believe how high it was.
Folks, that’s a well-done steak! That’s unbelievable!
I want all of you campers to be careful out there!
Plenty of water, don’t go out unless you have to, check on your friends, family, and neighbors, especially the elderly.
Put on sunscreen!
Keep the kids indoors!
Watch out for and protect one another. We’re all we have. Let’s take care of each other. Now…let’s start today with a laugh! Plenty of graphics and cartoons in today’s issue. I hope you all like it.
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale………. Cheap……. . …….no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight … One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking…
I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses….
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off
Sign In A Bar:
‘Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.’
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way…..
Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..
Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber’s Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager…
During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
“Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.”
Some more puns from the Queen. Hail Diaman.
One of my favorite Golden Oldies…
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under one-roof department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, ‘Do you have any sales experience?’
The kid says ‘Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.’
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ‘You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.’
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ‘How many customers bought something from you today?’
The kid says, ‘One.’
The boss says, ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?’
The kid says, ‘$101,237.65.’
The boss says, ‘$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?’
The kid says, ‘First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.’
The boss said ‘A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?’
The kid said ‘No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it’s my fault.”
This will drive you bonkers but it will also get your mind alive – be sure to have your caffeine fix before you try this. Something to entertain you while you are sitting around (or not).
Move your cursor numerically over the numbers starting with 1, then 2, etc. And see how fast you can get through 33.
You don’t need to click! — Just quickly touch the number with your mouse cursor and it will expand and go away and then look for the next one in numerical sequence.
This is a good one for keeping your brain sharp, and eye-hand coordination.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Picture of the Week!
It’s like he is watching over his troops’ souls What a picture!
So Ken and Dad…I gotta ask … how many of these are true?
When giving directions in Florida, you should always start with the words, “take I-75, take I-4 or takeI-95…”
If you’re a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 AM – 10 AM and 4 PM – 7 PM. This is considered to be rush hour and you’re not in any rush. No Exceptions….
Tolls are a fact of life down here, the state has to make money, so deal with it!
I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction… that’s the
law, there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!
Traffic lights aren’t timed and never will be. We measure the distance we travel in time – not miles.
If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange ‘Bob’s Barricade’, you’re lost!
Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as dress casual.
Your blinker means nothing.
English is our first and second language.
It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.
We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don’t be stupid and try to feed or pet one.
When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you’re not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.
A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one.That way you don’t have to deal with any of the headaches.
There’s always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner – with more being built every day.
When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.
There is a city called ‘The Villages’ where 77,000 old people live that drive golf carts and dance in the streets.
Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends – that’s for the working folks.
There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.
No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But, inside any restaurant or business it’s 55 degrees.
These are the things you need to survive a Florida winter:
A long sleeved T-shirt, tank top, sunscreen and winter parka.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed. “Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.”
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, “But Grandpa, I really dona lika guns. Howz ’bout you leava me you Rolex watch instead?”
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, “Shuddup ana lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea couple ah little bambinos.”
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, “Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then…pointa to your watch and say ‘Time’s up?’
Yes, I know it’s a little old, but as first person narratives go, it’s one of the best.
I called the Doctor to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Salt Lake.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A
I left his office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on the Dr.?’ How do you apologize to a person for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where the Dr. was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew he had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to the Dr. that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ he said, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . .’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’
And the VERY best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’
You know….everybody love motivationals….how about a few more?
Okay, how about one more batch of motivationals???
And continuing the telling story of today’s situation, here’s some more Editorial Cartoons