Dragon Laffs #1224


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Tuesday…
Second worse day of the week.
The heat in the Midwest is killer right now.  We reached a heat index of 112 yesterday.  At least that’s the highest that I saw.  It is currently 80 degrees with 100% humidity and it’s not even 7 am yet.  Craziness.

Any of you campers who are facing these kinds of temps, please, Please, PLEASE be careful.  Drink plenty of fluids, don’t stay out in the sun too long.  WATCH those kids!   We don’t want to lose any of you. 

Now, let’s get the day started with a laugh.

Ever have a day like this?

 

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something I can put in… some command… maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you’ll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]

Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.

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This makes perfect sense to me.  And add the following…

““The fact that we are here today to debate raising America’s debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the U.S. Government can’t pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government’s reckless fiscal policies. … Increasing America’s debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that ‘the buck stops here.’ Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better.” – Barry Obama2006

*WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS*

‘If the enemy is in range, so are you.’ – Infantry Journal

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‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’ – US.Air Force Manual

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‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’ – General MacArthur

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‘You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.’ – Infantry Sgt.-

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‘Tracers work both ways.’ – Army Ordnance Manual-

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‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’ – Infantry Journal –

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The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-

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‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.’ – Naval Ops Manual –

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‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’ – Unknown Infantry Recruit-

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‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.’ – Infantry Journal-

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‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’ – Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

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‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’ -Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

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‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’ -Unknown Author-

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‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’ – Fixed Wing Pilot-

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‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash..’ -Multi-Engine Training Manual-

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‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’ -Unknown Author-

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‘If you hear me yell;”Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos..’ If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’ -Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

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‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.’ -Sign over Control Tower Door-

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‘Never trade luck for skill.’ -Author Unknown-

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:’Did you feel that?’ ‘What’s that noise?’ and ‘Oh Shit!’ -Authors Unknown-

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‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’ -Basic Flight Training Manual-

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‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’ – Emergency Checklist-

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‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’ – Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) –

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‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’ -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

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‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’ – Lead-in Fighter Training Manual –

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,’What happened?’ The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’

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Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but the following call to Microsoft’s help center shows there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”

516Woof

Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital.
First doc asks, “Did you tell that politician in room 316 that he was
going to die?”
“Sure did”, second one answers.
First doc says, “Darn! I wanted to tell him!”

 

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Okay, so everyone loves a good blonde joke, right?  Well, except maybe the blondes….or maybe especially the blondes.  Being of Polish descent, as most good dragons are of some sort of Slovenian descent, I don’t mind Polish jokes, instead, I enjoy a good one that I haven’t heard before.  Sadly, those are kind of rare.  So are new blonde jokes…which means that you may have heard some of these already:

The Five Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

SECOND DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’

The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me… I know ’em all.’

A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’

The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy. It’s W.’

FOURTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a USC Freshman, sat in her US Government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.’

FIFTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop!’

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’

The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’

She starts up the stairs and pauses, ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door’

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, “Howsoon do you need to know?”

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car–both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it.

I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’ After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

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You have

Your

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’ (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.
”Scripture?’ replied the burglar.. ‘She said she had an Axe and two 38s!’

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Copied EXACTLY the way I got them….enjoy.

Here is some good 404 pages click and have a giggle or not.
Harry


 

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Watch the comments of Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida on the Senate floor as he comments on the Obama’s press conference this week.  The comparison between Rubio and Obama is amazing in terms of their spirit and attitude toward America.  It’s about 2 1/2 minutes.

 

Thank you, Florida, for electing him to the Senate!

 

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Here’s some great shorts from Rodney Dangerfield:

My neighbor knocked on my door at   2:30 am   this morning, can you believe that….. 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening. ”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

Okay, these may not be from Rodney Dangerfield, but they still are very funny.

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Groaner Zackashamed zack
The Public Broadcasting System has created a new series intended to educate young children in the knowledge, history and skills of both the Classical and Jazz styles of music. Unfortunately, the television censors have banned the show. The reason, it seems, being that the programs contained too much sax and violins.

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                Dragon
5 pearls of Scottish  wisdom to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then again… neither does milk.

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Thanks to Ginny for reminding me of one of the cutest jokes I’ve ever heard:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking aroundFly with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies” he responded.

“Oh! Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

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I love political cartoons.  Artists expressing their opinions through their art.  There have been many songs written about political ideas or controversies, of course there are always comedians doing their bit, making you laugh, but doing it with a point.  Writers have, since politics began, been writing opinions and essays (called Rants nowadays) and of course speakers have been making political statements even longer than that.  But the political cartoonist….ah….now there’s an art.  Getting your point across using few, if any words.  And today’s political climate and the decisions that are being made gives huge fodder for the artists.

Here then, is part 1 of some of the best from recent weeks:

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4b

4c

4d

4e
One of my favorites.  What a huge mistake we are making by backing out of the space program.  I can only hope and pray that private enterprises in this country take over and pick up where NASA is going to leave off.  1903, America has the first powered aircraft flight at Kittyhawk, NC…66 years later, America puts a man on the moon and 45 years after that, America gets out of the space program.  That’s so sad.

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