LeprechaunLaffs # 83 for July 1st


Shared Delusional Reality

the-weekend

Yup it’s F-R=I-D-A-Y! Not just another Friday mind you it’s the Friday before a 3 day weekend, the second one of the summer as well as the next to the last one! My advice- plan your time wisely and if you can as with any 3 day holiday weekend, leave early today!

Sit DOWN Impish! You’re barely even here and you want to leave early? That’s funny!

Anyway just to reassure you, our hardworking (well MOST of us are hardworking anyway) staff is hard at work on our Independence Day Issue so don’t worry about suffering withdrawal ‘cuase we might take a holiday.

Look for it on Monday as usual.

MEAN TIME LET’S HAVE US A FEW LAUGHS!

!cid_1_8124305@web36908_mail_mud_yahoo

I wish MY grocery store stocked this item!

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At a little over $10.00 a pound, the price is right too! I’m just worried about the percent of fat to lean in it!

Leprechaun Tech Talk

ANNUAL MOUSE CALIBRATION

You should actually do this every year. Even more often if you spend a lot of time on the computer. This is recommended by Kim Komando (the computer guru) in one of her recent emails.

I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the capital G below, then drag it toward the small g. If it doesn’t work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.

G
ood lord!! You’ll believe anything

I’M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW MUCH SMOOTHER AND BETTER THE MOUSE WORKS AFTER BEING CALIBRATED! AMAZING!

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That was one of the few times Impish actually had sage words of advice to pass on to me!

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An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, “Ah sooo, you want the wax job?”

The sailor says, “Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe.”

So the bath maid takes his pecker and lays it out on a marble bench. She then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his pecker… causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

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A while back some one wrote in and asked about Impish and my own offices and what they looked like. As we were constantly making reference to our virtual ones, they we’re interested in what our real ones looked like and if they reflected our personalities. I responded by posting pictures of both our home offices for our loyal readers to view.

This sort of thing has occurred once again, but this time they the inquiring mind wants to know about our personal vehicles. Again from what I can see they are interested in seeing if our personal vehicles reflect our individual personalities.

Impish and I STRONGLY suspect this has to do with some still long lingering doubt by some stubborn hold outs that we are in fact one in the same person which we have stated as untrue multiple times in the past. Many of our more devoted readers will remember when my contributions began slowly appearing in the e-zine version and how I worked myself into a partnership offer nearly 2 years ago now I guess when Impish had to attend a workshop for a week by temporarily filling in for him and throwing an epic but unauthorized party at his place.

Anyway with out further reminiscing I present my whip:

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Along with the cowcatcher style brush guard up front she’s a bit of an intimidator when you come up against her in traffic, something that’s positively mandatory here in Houston’s insane traffic. The 5.56 mm mini-gun in the bed is for those idiots who want to try challenging the time honored “the most metal goes first and gets the right of way” rule of the road. It also insures that time honored rule translates easily into Spanish, Esperanto, Arabic and the language of basically every damned illegal “screw-you-I-won’t-learn-English-give-me-my-entitlement” minded immigrant that is on the road sans benefit  license and insurance to be so.

Impish being a family man however had need for a different sort of more family friendly transportation but still desired to reflect his personality and tastes at the same time. So I present now to you Impish’s ride. I give you “The Dragon Wagon”

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Kinda suits Impish don’t ya think?

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A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.

“Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meatloaf for dinner tonight and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly and I know I have the recipe right, because it’s the one you gave me. But, it just didn’t come out right and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George, because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong”?

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step and together we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef.'”

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The Muslims ARE NOT HAPPY

imageThey are not happy in Gaza.
They are not happy in the West Bank.
They are not happy in Jerusalem.
They are not happy in Israel.
They are not happy in Egypt.
They are not happy in Libya.
They are not happy in Algeria.
They are not happy in Tunis.
They are not happy in Morocco.
They are not happy in Yemen.
They are not happy in Iraq.
They are not happy in Afghanistan.
They are not happy in Pakistan.
They are not happy in Syria.
They are not happy in in Lebanon.
They are not happy in Sudan.
They are not happy in Jordan.
They are not happy in Iran.
They are not happy in the Chechnya.

Where The Are Happy Muslims

They are happy in England.
They are happy in France.
They are happy in Italy.
They are happy in Germany.
They are happy in Sweden.
They are happy in the Netherlands.
They are happy in Switzerland
They are happy in Norway.
They are happy in the U.S.
They are happy in Canada
They are happy in Hungary.

They are happy in any country in the world which is not ruled by Muslims.


And who do they blame?

 

 

Not Islam.  Not themselves.

But the very countries they are happy to live in!

Really gives ya something to think about don’t it?! Now exactly WHO really is “The Great Satan”?

 

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Unfortunately I can’t get Impish within 100 feet of a treadmill. The last time he traveled he encountered escalators and a “People Mover” at the airport and now he wants them installed at DragonLaffs Central. Now granted, there are a couple of levels where the escalators WOULD be faster than our elevators, but Impish wants a “People Mover” from his office door to the cafeteria and that’s only 200 feet from the special door he had installed in his office to shorten up the distance as much as possible in the first place!

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Did you ever wonder how old some of your favorite cartoon characters were? Well, here are their real ages. They may surprise you. Part II

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Look for the final installment of Ever Wonder How Old Your Favorite Cartoon Character is in Wednesday July 6th issue of Leprechaun Laffs as Monday’s issue will be devoted to Independence Day.

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OK I have to confess an ugly truth here, I’m not even the slightest fan of today’s guest ranter. While his music isn’t bad and it’s nothing I object to, I just  find his proselytizing distasteful and smacking of televangelism and given some of the things covered in the tabloids in the past reeking of hypocrisy. I have to admit though when I read this commentary by him my estimation of him DID go up slightly.

When you have read what Pat Boone wrote about Obama (below), you may want to click on the link to “Snopes”, which brings up a page telling you that this is an actual letter written by Pat Boone – and very well written one, I might add.

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT COMMENTARY, AND SHOULD BE READ BY EVERY AMERICAN ESPECIALLY THE VOTING ONES OF BOTH PARTIES !

Toxic to Liberals Warning

“The President Without A Country”

By Pat Boone

“We’re no longer a Christian nation.” – President Barack Obama, June 2009
“America has been arrogant.” – President Barack Obama
“After 9/11, America didn’t always live up to her ideals.”- President Barack Obama
“You might say that America is a Muslim nation.”- President Barack Obama, Egypt 2009

Thinking about these and other statements made by the man who wears the title of president. I keep wondering what country he believes he’s president of.
In one of my very favorite stories, Edward Everett Hale’s “The Man without a Country,” a young Army lieutenant named Philip Nolan stands condemned for treason during the Revolutionary War, having come under the influence of Aaron Burr. When the judge asks him if he wishes to say anything before sentence is passed, young Nolan defiantly exclaims, “Damn the United States! I wish I might never hear of the United States again!”

The stunned silence in the courtroom is palpable, pulsing. After a long pause, the judge soberly says to the angry lieutenant: “You have just pronounced your own sentence. You will never hear of the United States again.. I sentence you to spend the rest of your life at sea, on one or another of this country’s naval vessels – under strict orders that no one will ever speak to you again about the country you have just cursed.”

And so it was. Philip Nolan was taken away and spent the next 40 years at sea, never hearing anything but an occasional slip of the tongue about America.. The last few pages of the story, recounting Nolan’s dying hours in his small stateroom – now turned into a shrine to the country he foreswore – never fail to bring me to tears. And I find my own love for this dream, this miracle called America , refreshed and renewed. I know how blessed and unique we are.

But reading and hearing the audacious, shocking statements of the man who was recently elected our president – a young black man living the impossible dream of millions of young Americans, past and present, black and white – I want to ask him, “Just what country do you think you’re president of?”

You surely can’t be referring to the United States of America, can you? America is emphatically a Christian nation, and has been from its inception! Seventy percent of her citizens identify themselves as Christian. The Declaration of Independence and our Constitution were framed, written and ratified by Christians. It’s because this was, and is, a nation built on and guided by Judeo-Christian biblical principles that you, sir, have had the inestimable privilege of being elected her president.

You studied law at Harvard, didn’t you, sir? You taught constitutional law in Chicago ? Did you not ever read the statement of John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and an author of the landmark “Federalist Papers”: ” Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers – and it is the duty, as well as the privilege and interest of our Christian nation – to select and prefer Christians for their rulers”?

In your studies, you surely must have read the decision of the Supreme Court in 1892: “Our lives and our institutions must necessarily be based upon and embody the teachings of the Redeemer of mankind. It is impossible that it should be otherwise; and in this sense and to this extent our civilization and our institutions are emphatically Christian.”
Did your professors have you skip over all the high-court decisions right up till the mid 1900’s that echoed and reinforced these views and intentions? Did you pick up the history of American jurisprudence only in 1947, when for the first time a phrase coined by Thomas Jefferson about a “wall of separation between church and state” was used to deny some specific religious expression – contrary to Jefferson’s intent with that statement?

Or, wait a minute: were your ideas about America’s Christianity formed during the 20 years you were a member of the Trinity United Church of Christ under your pastor, Jeremiah Wright? Is that where you got the idea that “America is no longer a Christian nation”? Is this where you, even as you came to call yourself a Christian, formed the belief that “America has been arrogant”?

Even if that’s the understandable explanation of your damning of your country and accusing the whole nation (not just a few military officials trying their best to keep more Americans from being murdered by jihadists) of “not always living up to her ideals,” how did you come up with the ridiculous, alarming notion that we might be “considered a Muslim nation”?

Is it because there are some 2 million or more Muslims living here, trying to be good Americans? Out of a current population of over 300 million, 70 percent of whom are Christians? Does that make us, by any rational definition, a “Muslim nation”?
Why are we not, then, a “Chinese nation”? A “Korean nation”? Even a “Vietnamese nation”? There are even more of these distinct groups in America than Muslims. And if the distinction you’re trying to make is a religious one, why is America not “a Jewish nation”?

There’s actually a case to be made for the latter, because our Constitution – and the success of our Revolution and founding – owe a deep debt to our Jewish brothers.
Have you stopped to think what an actual Muslim America would be like? Have you ever really spent much time in Iran ? Even in Egypt ? You, having been instructed in Islam as a kid at a Muslim school in Indonesia and saying you still love the call to evening prayers, can surely picture our nation founded on the Quran, not the Judeo-Christian Bible, and living under Sharia law. Can’t you? You do recall Muhammad’s directives

[Surah 9:5,73] to “break the cross” and “kill the infidel”?

It seems increasingly and painfully obvious that you are more influenced by your upbringing and questionable education than most suspected. If you consider yourself the president of a people who are “no longer Christian,” who have “failed to live up to our ideals,” who “have been arrogant,” and might even be “considered Muslim” – you are president of a country most Americans don’t recognize.

Could it be you are a president without a country?

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/patboone.asp

My thanks to K-Squared for unknowingly supplying the whip cream and cherry for the top of this Sundae and here it is:

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Now remember all you Loony Liberals, Devoted Democrats and Obtuse Obamites, we welcome your dissenting view points but come back at us with facts not fiction and be sure to cite sources lest scorn and ridicule shall ye reap!

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See ya Monday folks, enjoy your holiday weekend. Eat Drink and make Merry, but only to excess. Last remember if you DO drink regardless if its to excess or not Please Don’t Drive! See you bright and early Monday morning!

DL Closing Credits

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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