Good Morning Campers!
Getting close to the weekend, again. I can’t wait! Got big plans for this weekend, big plans! We have two, count them!, two villages to raze! There is going to be a special party with 17 sacrificial virgins and lastly, there’s going to be a medieval jousting tournament where I get to eat the losers! Can you even imagine a better weekend?
Well, let’s jump right into today’s issue. Lots of ground to cover. So grab your coffee and
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening. “
Well worth watching….thanks Dad!
…………….. Apparently, this wasn’t an acceptable answer?
Absolutely Hilarious! The Drunk Chef! Yeah, no kidding. And she’s cute, too!
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said,”Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no clue who their daddies are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Wow, this is a great country.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
Molly (not Lethal’s Molly, another Molly) sent us this one and said that it would be great for us guys when we are dog-house bound. You know, I have to agree with her. It beats the heck out of the little shed that I normally get stuck in. Here they are, tents that turn into concrete shelters:
I want to know what they cost? Also, where does one get them?
These would be neat for people that lost their homes. I’m sure they would be cooler than a trailer and warmer too. Great for hospitals for our military.
This one is submitted by one of our overseas correspondent campers and she tells us that they are “all true, these things are what make life tolerable here!”
Israel is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies, but the people’s headaches are caused by the neighbors upstairs.
Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if you look like you need it.
Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one cares what rules say when an important goal can be achieved by bending them.
Israel is the only country in the world where reservists are bossed around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own children.
Israel is the only country in the world where “small talk” consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.
Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee is already so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local market.
Israel is one of the few places in the world where the sun sets into the Mediterranean Sea .
Israel is the only country in the world whose soldiers eat three sets of salads a day, none of which contain any lettuce (which is not really a food), and where olives ARE a food and even a main course in a meal, rather than something one tosses into a martini.
Israel is the only country in the world where one is unlikely to dig a cellar without hitting ancient archaeological artifacts. which we did in an archeological dig
Israel is the only country in the world where the leading writers in the country take buses.
Israel is the only country in the world where the graffiti is in Hebrew.
Israel is the only country in the world where the “black folks” walking around all wear yarmulkes.
Israel is the only country in the world that has a National Book Week, during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.
Israel is the only country in the world where the ultra-Orthodox Jews beat up the police and not the other way around.
Israel is the only country in the world where inviting someone “out for a drink” means drinking cola, coffee or tea.
Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot.
Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes and admires the United States .
Israel is the only country in the world that introduces applications of high-tech gadgets and devices, such as printers in banks that print out your statement on demand, years ahead of the United States and decades ahead of Europe .
Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a flight gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign accent.
Israel is the only country in the world where people cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.
Israel is the only country in the world where patients visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.
Israel is the only country in the world where everyone strikes up conversations while waiting in lines.
Israel is the only country in the world where people call an attaché case a “James Bond” and the “@” sign is called a “strudel”.
Israel is the only country in the world where there is the most mysterious and mystical calm ambience in the streets on Yom Kippur, which cannot be explained unless you have experienced it.
Sunsets in Jerusalem are gorgeous every evening.
Israel is the only country in the world where people read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.
This one is from Thumper….you guys remember Thumper? Haven’t heard from him forever, Thumper, if you’re out there, stop in the camp store and say hi! Anyway, like I said, this one is from Thumper, I have a huge pile of old emails that I just recently got unstuck from my old Outlook Express account. Most of these are dated material (this one is from February of 2010 so I won’t use them, but I’ll work my way through the rest and resurrect some funny ones.
HEY LITTLE GIRL, WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out…
“Look Dad, you’re the one who bought the Yamaha instead of the Harley”!
“YOU RIDE IT!”
“Mommy, I’ve got a stomachache. “
“That’s because your stomach is empty,” her mother replied.
“You’d feel better if you had something in it.” She gave
Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family’s minister dropped by. While he
Was chatting with Susie’s mom, he mentioned he’d had a bad
Headache all day long.
Susie perked up. “That’s because it’s empty,” she said.
“You’d feel better if you had something in it!”