Yup yesterday was Molly’s birthday. Impish and I walked a fine line with her birthday announcement but we managed to survive relatively unscathed. My thanks to Impish for helping out with that little birthday wish.
Her favorite birthday present received was a 32 oz. jug of pure grade A extra Dark Vermont Maple Syrup which arrived in the mail from my family in Connecticut Monday. I got thrown to the wolves in terms of dinner Monday night as a result of it’s arrival as she immediately and somewhat frantically set about making French toast to consume it over. That is once she was over her orgasmic moment of taking the freshly opened jug and sticking an iced tea spoon in it and then licking it clean.
Well the unseasonable oppressive heat is supposed to finally break today as a “major cold front” pushes on through the area. I plain language that means the mercury only hits 88 today for me before going back to 90+ tomorrow when the sun returns. think maybe I’ll take advantage of it by grilling up a few items while its semi cool out today. When its 95 on the patio in the shade it just too dang hot to play with the grill, unless that is I want to come in looking like a piece of Leprechaun jerky.
OK enough of my prattling on already!
Grab Your cup of Coffee and LET’S LAUGH!
See? I even made a fresh pot!
Pilgrimages to Bin Laden’s grave have started
There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other: “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says: “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies: “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says: “Well, that’s what you have now!”
A rich man was having a house built on a large piece of land.
He told the architect, “Please don’t disturb that tree over there because under that tree is where I had my first sex.”
“How sentimental,” said the architect.
“Yes, and don’t touch that tree over there, either, because that’s where her mother stood watching us.”
“Her mother watched?!” gasped the astonished architect. “What did she say?”
Why We Never Let Impish do the Hiring at DragonLaffs Despite Being the C.E.D.
See what I mean?
Before his untimely death at the age of 55, Arthur had worked for 30 years as a waiter in a posh restaurant in San Francisco. Soon after he passed away, his widow fulfilled her promise to attempt to contact him, with the assistance of a psychic.
During the séance, the widow was sure she saw Arthur standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter’s uniform.
“Honey!” she cried. “Come closer and speak to me!”
A hoarse voice from the corner replied, “I can’t.”
“Why not?” asked the widow.
“It’s not my table,” said Arthur.
[Paraprosdokians] Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. Example: “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. (or a liberal!) He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. (Besides arguing with an idiot liberal [oops if I ‘forget’ a slash there?] is a lot like trying to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and wastes your time while annoying the hell out of the pig!)
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list. (unless you’re the Dragon then its third or fourth)
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (We get a LOT of people here that prove this, especially the liberals)
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (Better you agree with us here at DragonLaffs and then we’ll all be right!)
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (DragonLaffs readers and Impish Dragon specifically excluded from this observation.)
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. (Not to mention who had the coolest, most destructive toys and the biggest military technology budget)
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. (BTW wisdom is ALSO keeping your fruit out of my salsa which is essentially a chopped tomato salad!)
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. (And if its FOXNEWS never let you get a word in of an opposing view point about it either!)
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. (to turn around and then sell it to the highest bidder is Industrial Espionage and very profitable)
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. (and its where all Impish Dragon’s work stops.)
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. (Working for myself and for Dragon Laffs turns out I got neither, plus a pair of S.O.B.s for bosses.)
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’ (You can Never get a Doctor on the phone in a hurry. I put ‘the closest sober person to me with medical training who isn’t Impish Dragon’ on mine.)
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. (Sound upper management and political practice on both sides of the aisle right there)
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (Britney Spears came close to prove this one true.)
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (&/or a twitter account showing his penis to her)
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. (That fuzzy memory is a sign of too much imbibing, a political career in danger or a combination thereof)
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. (Amateur! You steal a million dollars, buy a top of the line bike, then you ask for forgiveness. That way you wind up with your bike, $990 Thousand plus in profit and the forgiveness!)
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. (Parachutes are of course strictly optional for current U.S. Presidents, members of Congress, Democrats, Liberal, Politicians in General, Lawyers and Impish Dragon who seems to enjoy doing a face plant at 200 mph from 20,000 feet judging by the number of times he’s done it since I’ve known him)
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. (Same goes for love, money cannot buy love, but if you have enough money I know tons of women willing to rent their love too you!)
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away. (Yeah that last part is what Impish likes to call foreplay.)
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. (Delegate decisions to underlings so you can blame and sacrifice them when things go wrong or get discovered. It’s called plausible deniability and is part and parcel to our political & management systems)
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid. (Or, looking at our politicians and their dumb ass sex scandals, apparently never to old to practice that stupidity you learned either.)
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. (If you have to actually aim at a specific object to be sure to hit it, you’re not using a large enough weapon. How large a weapon is large enough? If it leaves enough of the target behind to determine if you hit it then you need a larger weapon. I have just to words: ‘Area Effect’ )
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. (That’s because times are not what they used to be. Who wants to look back and will fondly recall all the crap that’s going on presently? If things ever manage to sink so low that this is fondly recalled as the good old days I hope I am long dead and buried!)
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. (Or from Politicians, in particular Obama)
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. (I know a LOT of people who are capable of putting on a FAR more convincing act as a car than they are as a Christian)
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. (bullshit! that’s an Irishman with the gift o’ the Blarney stone!!)
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. (Hell if you’re that good at being insincere put your skill to works for you and make some money with it! Open a B & B, go into politics, become a news reporter or a televangelist!)
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila. (Just remember..One Tequila, two tequila, three tequila…floor!)
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. (so fight fire with napalm, its WAY harder to put out! better yet follow the example of the guys that put out oil wells use high explosives!)
WANT SOME GOOD OLD ENTERTAINMENT?
SELECT YOUR CHOICE AND ENJOY
JUST CLICK ON A DATE AND SIT BACK AND ENJOY. This is awesome, pick out one of your favorites from below and give it a try…
1. JACKIE GLEASON ON THE ROCKY MARCIANO SHOW THE MAIN EVENT (1960)
2. JAMES DEAN: HIS FINAL TV APPEARANCE (1954)
3. ELVIS SINGS BLUE SUEDE SHOES (1956)
4. A TRIBUTE TO ELVIS PRESLEY, THE KING OF ROCK & ROLL (1959-62)
5. THE EDSEL INTRODUCED ON NBC (1957)
6. BOBBY DARIN’S “MACK THE KNIFE” (1959)
7. WESTINGHOUSE DEBUTS HI-TECH “ADVANCED TV” (1951)
8. WILLIAM BENDIX AS LOVABLE
CHESTER A. RILEY (1956)
9. ICONS I: WHAT MADE 50’S TV GOLDEN(COMPILATION, (1952-60)
10. THE PATTI PAGE SHOW (1958)
11. BLOOPERS FROM THE HONEYMOONERS (1957-58)
12. THE CENSORED JERRY LEE LEWIS HERE UNCENSORED! (1957-59)
13. A TRUE 50’s DOO WOP TV CLASSIC (1958)
14. FAMILY AFFAIR (1966)
15. ALAN FREED’S BIG BEAT DANCE PARTY DANCERS (1959)
16. THE STEVE ALLEN SHOW (1957)
17. The Inventor Of TV Sketch Comedy ERNIE KOVACS(1954)
18. THE RED SKELTON SHOW (1959)
19. ICONS: THE DELINQUENCY RAMPAGE!(COMPILATION, 1957-60)
20. FATHER KNOWS BEST (1953)
21. PETTICOAT JUNCTION (1962)
22. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST BOB MATTHIAS(1956)
23. DANCES OF THE 1950’s: THE HAND JIVE (1957)
24. GROUCHO MARX YOU BET YOUR LIFE (1959)
25. DRAGNET (1959)
26. THE IMMORTAL MUSICAL COMEDY OF VICTOR BORGE 1951
27. EDDIE FISHER SINGS A MEDLEY OF HIS BIGGEST HITS 1953
28. ABBOTT & COSTELLO: WHO’S ON FIRST? 1951
29. MORE DANCES OF THE 1950’s THE JITTERBUG1958
30. THE HONEYMOONERS … IN COLOR! 1969
31. THE ORIGINAL FLASH GORDON SERIAL theatres-1939; TV-1960’s
32. THE LONE RANGER 1955
33. THE ENDEARING GRIMACES OF EDDIE CANTOR1952
34. BOBBY DARIN NERVOUSLY HOSTS A BEAUTY CONTEST 1957
35. MORE DANCES OF THE 1950’s: THE LINDY HOP1959
36. SHAKE, BABY, SHAKE! IT’S THE KILLER AGAIN!1958
37. THE DANNY THOMAS SHOW 1958
38. SID CAESAR: YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS 1957
39. HERE COMES TOBOR! 1954
40. THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN 1954
41. THE ADVENTURES OF FLIPPER 1964
42. SPIKE JONES 1951
43. CAPTAIN VIDEO & HIS VIDEO RANGERS 1950
44. THE LIBERACE SHOW 1952
45. MEDIC 1954
46. THE BIG VALLEY 1965
47. THE ROOTS OF TV BASEBALL 1950-57
48. Mc HALE’S NAVY 1962
49. HOPALONG CASSIDY 1952
50. DARK SHADOWS 1966
52. I LOVE LUCY 1952
53. THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW 1962
54. THE BEATLES FIRST TELEVISION APPEARANCE1963
55. BAT MASTERSON 1958
56. MARTY ROBBINS ON THE JOHNNY CASH SHOW1964
57. FRANK SINATRA SPEAKS CANDIDLY 1954
58. PASSWORD 1962
59. STAR TREK TV ON DEMAND 1966-present
60. MORE DANCES OF THE 50’s: THE SWINGBACK1958
61. THE LIVE TV FRIDGE COMMERCIAL CATASTROPHE 1954
62. THE ARTHUR GODFREY SHOW 1957
63. BUILDING THE 1958 DODGE 1957
64. FIGHT CLASSIC: ROCKY MARCIANO vs. JERSEY JOE WALCOTT 1952
65. AND MORE GREAT ICONS OF THE 50’s VOL III1952-59
66. ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS 1959
67. SATURDAY NIGHTLIVE~~ BEFORE SNL 1954-58
68. FELIX THE CAT 1959
69. THE DONNA REED SHOW 1958
70. THE GOLDBERGS 1952
71. LUCILLE BALL & CAROL BURNETT 1965
72. THE LITTLE RASCALS 1955
73. HIGHWAY PATROL 1956
74. LOST IN SPACE 1966
75. BEULAH 1951
76. BEWITCHED 1966
77. I DREAM OF JEANIE 1966
78. SEA HUNT 1957
79. DYNAMITE JOE RINDONE 1954
80. THE MILTON BERLE SHOW 1957
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. “Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot
better, so I thought Fuck it, I’ll soldier on..!
Crybaby Liberal Pundit Rips Off Mic, Storms Off Fox News Set
Ok pay attention now Liberal loonies and deluded Democrats… I think this guy handled the situation exactly right and with a great deal of class. Fox has a notorious reputation for not allowing the opposing view point to get 2 words in edge-wise in rebuttal. The only mistake the guy made was agreeing to be on a FOXNEWS show at all.
However, that’s not my point here. My point is that while its true the Dems do take there ball and go home spouting dire predictions of death and apocalypse, the Republicans are just as guilty when it comes to their rigid inflexibility on the issues of SS and MC. As long as Democrats remain so stiff necked and the Republicans continue their bullyboy “its my way or the highway” tactics there is no way for any solution will be found to a very serious and looming crisis.
Personally I think we ought to put a private word in with the Capitol & DC police, the FBI and the Secret Service, then call a combined session of Congress and lock them in with a bottle of water and a power bar each. No A/C, laptops, cell phones, PDAs, internet, staff, aides or congressional pages. No coffee, smoke, bathroom or lunch breaks.
Just an enforced-by-the-people (you remember the people don’t you Congress? You know, as in ‘government of the people, by the people, for the people’? OR maybe you know them better as the one you bamboozle, baffle with lies and outright bullshit to get those cushy jobs every few years!) round the clock session until they arrive at a workable Social Security and Medicare fixing compromise and pass it .
Oh yeah, and for extra motivation for them not to keep us waiting? We’re going to start going through all these personal electronic devices, laptops, Day planners etc. looking for things that prove they belong right beside Weiner in the ‘previously employed in politics’ line at unemployment. Then we’ll just hand feed them right to the shark-like media pool covering the event just waiting for an opportunity for a sound byte. To be fair about it, we’ll do both parties simultaneously, starting with the most senior congressional members and working our way down the seniority ladder.
Got motivation that is in your party’s and your own personal best interest now, bitches?
And we’re pissed!