That’s not my ass dragging, that’s all the ice I have crammed in my pockets to try and keep cool! Seriously, if this oppressive unseasonably high heat and humidity keeps up much longer I’ll no longer have any reason the restrain myself and behave as I will have totally lost all fear of hell!
What? My tablemates in hell consist of Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Richard Simmons, Dr. Phil, Roseanne Barr, Barack Obama and Impish Dragon? Ok so maybe sweating and behaving isn’t so bad after all!
Besides after the unpleasant very sad news of another true musical talent passing this weekend I have yet another reason for making it to the Pearly gates, to see and hear a concert by the Heavenly Rock Band. BUT More on that in a few minutes
What’s coffee without a little breakfast ‘nosh?
It’s about 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar finishes his drink and is about ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
“Hey buddy,” why’re ya goin’ home so soon? I usually see you here until past midnight. Something wrong tonight?”
The guy responds,”No ain’t nothin’ wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin’ on this bar stool for so long.”
“Buddy, I got just the thing for ya,” says the bartender as he’s reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the guy two white pills.
The guy looks at the pills in his hand and says, “What’re these, aspirin?”
“Nooo,” says the bartender….. “stool softener.”
Wisdom from Grandpa
– Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
– Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
– Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
– When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
– If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, he will never turn into an old nag.
– On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.
– A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”
– The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
– Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.
– Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
– The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
– Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
– How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
– When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.
– I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
– One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
– Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
– Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
– If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
I’ve learned to say this while sleeping in defense of Impish’s lengthy whinings.
E Street Band’s Clarence Clemons Dies at 69
The legendary saxophonist had suffered a stroke on June 12th
By Andy Greene June 18, 2011 2:59 PM ET
Clarence Clemons, the legendary saxophonist in the E Street Band who played alongside Bruce Springsteen for the past 40 years, died on June 18th. Clemons had suffered a massive stroke on June 12th. While initial signs had been hopeful after his hospitalization and two subsequent brain surgeries, he reportedly took a turn for the worse later in the week. He was 69.
Clemons – known affectionately to fan and friends as the Big Man – was the heart and soul of the E Street Band. His playing on tracks like “Born To Run,” “Thunder Road,” “Jungleland,” “Dancing In The Dark” and countless more represent some of the most famous sax work in the history of rock & roll. “The story I have told throughout my work life I could not have told as well without Clarence,” Springsteen wrote in the introduction to Clemons’ 2009 memoir Big Man: Real Life and Tall Tales.
So much has been said and written about the stormy night in Asbury Park in 1971 when Clemons met Springsteen that it’s hard to separate fact from myth. At the time, Springsteen was a struggling musician playing the New Jersey bar circuit and Clemons was a former college football player who spent his nights playing sax in clubs along the shore. “It was raining and thundering like a motherfucker,” Clemons wrote in his memoir. “When I opened the door it blew off the hinges and flew down the street . . . Somebody introduced me to Bruce, everybody knew everybody, and he asked me if I wanted to sit in.”
Clemons soon became part of Springsteen’s backing band (not yet known as the E Street Band), and when Bruce recorded his debut LP Greetings From Asbury Park in the summer of 1972, Clemons was brought in for the sessions. Over the next two decades, Clemons became the most recognizable member of the E Street Band – for his massive size, equally huge personality and his onstage role as Springsteen’s foil.
He’s the only member of the band on the cover of Born To Run with Springsteen. “When you open it up and see Clarence and me together, the album begins to work its magic,” Springsteen wrote in Clemons’ memoir. “Who are these guys? Where did they come from? What is the joke they are sharing? A friendship and a narrative steeped in the complicated history of America begins to work and there is music already in the air.”
In the 1980s, Clemons began a second career as an actor, appearing in TV shows like Diff’rent Strokes and movies such as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. He also scored a solo hit in 1985 with “You’re A Friend Of Mine,” a duet with Jackson Browne. He was on tour with Ringo Starr’s All Star Band in 1989 when Springsteen phoned him to say he was breaking up the band. “I didn’t speak or even attempt to interject,” Clemons wrote in his memoir. “I got very quiet and stopped smiling. In fact, it looked to Ringo like I was being told about somebody dying.”
The E Street Band reformed in 1999 and has been incredibly active ever since. Clemons loved being back on the road, even as he battled incredible pain with his knees, back and hips. Earlier this year, he played sax on two tracks on Lady Gaga’s new album Born This Way. He appears in the recently released video for “Edge of Glory,” and his final live performance was with Gaga on the season finale of American Idol.
Good bye Big Man, Rest in peace, you will be sorely missed by your fans. We take only small comfort in the knowledge that the heavenly horn section just got even cooler by your passing.
If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band,
Righteous Brothers – Rock And Roll Heaven
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a Hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for Dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she
Stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. “It’s o.k.,” He replied, “it’s written in the Bible.” So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it’s okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – “The hat check girl puts out!”
A couple is driving along the freeway and the husband is bitching
and complaining about everything: The heat, the long drive, the
bad drivers, the country, etc.
His wife is getting tired of his depressing talk, so she says to
him: “For twenty years I’ve listened to your constant whining,
one more complaint and I’ll cut your penis off with my pen-
About half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before
he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy’s
dick off, and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three: husband,
wife, and 6-year-old daughter. The penis lands on their car’s
windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic, quickly turns
on the windshield wipers to get it off the windshield and out of
view of his daughter.
The observant daughter asks, “Daddy, what was that?”
Her father, still in a panic, says, “Oh, it was only a . . . uh .
. . a butterfly”.
“Wow!” replied the daughter. “Did you see the size of its dick?”
Larry Flynt, porn publisher and erstwhile snoop into the sex lives of politicians, has offered a job to disgraced former U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner.
The actual publically made offer can be seen here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-flynt/anthony-weiner-resigning-_b_878667.html
(quoting the offer)
We are a serious corporation which, as you know, has been heavily involved in the political environment of this country for over thirty-five years. Our key missions have consistently included the crucial fight of battling hypocrisy within the federal and state governments. Flynt Management Group, LLC and Hustler Magazine have been dedicated to decades of serious political commentary. Just as we do not undertake insincere political crusades, we do not make insincere job offers.
While this employment opportunity is being offered in large part due to your qualifications and clear passion for making a change, I feel that your unfortunate resignation is a prime example of unfounded political pressure and the hypocrisy that has invaded democracy in Washington D.C. I hope you will sincerely consider this offer, and I look forward to your response.
OMG I think I’m going to bust a rib laughing over this! Where do I even start? “While this employment opportunity is being offered in large part due to your qualifications and clear passion” Yeah Larry I’d say he went to great “length” to demonstrate his “passion”.
I imagine Jon Stewart ( host of ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’) should have a boat load of fun with that one!
Lets see if I can beat him to a couple of the jokes first.
I can see Weiner’s Hustler column now, ‘Washington Perverts Exposed’ or ‘De-panting the perverts of Politics’. How about ‘Weiner’s Briefs: How Does Your politician Measure Up?’
But seriously how can Flynt even expect weiner to consider the offer? He’d be evermore known in the annals ( or should that be anus?) of politics as the Sleazy Congressional Crotch shot specialist who when asked to leave before being humiliated and tossed out went to work for the Porn King who speicalized in shots of Sleazy crotches!
Maybe Weiner should give ole Tiger a call and see where he went for his sex “addiction” treatment…it seems to be working!
(Or at least we can hope anyway!)
This is my favorite kind of Last Word, one where the guest ranter makes all my points and says all there is to say so I don’t have to add anything to it.
How Liberalism Is Like A Cartoon Movie
Cartoon movies are aimed at kids, and the makers of these movies use the children’s sense of powerlessness as a key plot device.
Liberals have cultivated that same feeling of powerlessness to the point that it has become an entire narcissistic, victim-centric worldview.
In short, like children attracted to cartoons, liberals have yet to grow up and accept responsibility for their own existences.
So, here are the ten top ways the liberal view of reality resembles a cartoon movie:
10. Liberals’ entire universe is divided into Good Guys and Bad Guys, Nice People and Mean People, Us. vs. Them.
9. Liberals are powerless; their puny little lives are controlled by big ugly mean monsters or corporations that don’t care and want to hurt them.
8. Birds and animals and fish and trees can think and feel and talk.
7. Transportation can be effected with little or no fuel consumption, via vehicles such as broomsticks, magic carpets and pixie dust. Much like the cute little hybrids and electric cars liberals love.
6. There is no God, just an unreasoning faith in some inchoate force you might as well call “The Circle of Life.”
5. Reality revolves entirely around what they are thinking, feeling and experiencing, as if the universe were a movie in which they had the starring role.
4. Nobody understands or appreciates them. And this fact is somehow of the utmost importance.
3. Collapsing in a puddle of tears is an effective coping strategy; they expect someone to turn up who actually cares.
2. There’s no hope at all for a happy ending unless someone more powerful than they magically comes and saves them. In their case, though, it’s not a fat genie or a fairy godmother. Instead, it’s some heroic and compassionate government initiative.
And the Number One way that liberals view the world as a cartoon movie…
1. To get something, they don’t think they should have to plan for it, work for it, or make any kind of sacrifice for it. Instead, they should only have to want the thing a whole, whole, whole, whole lot. (Wishing on a star optional.)
Written by: Gregory Oatis