Groan…grumble… snort. If I open my bloodshot eye (yes singular- I’m not wasting the effort of opening both until I know I have coffee at hand enough to get my heart started) and do not see and smell coffee somebody is in for a ginormous ass whooping for waking me! Nope just as I thought, no coffee, some yahoo has fouled up HUGE and is going to suffer a career and psyche damaging counseling session!
YOU people? What do you want? Another Leprechaun Laffs?! I get weekends off its in my contract now. Monday? Can’t be, I didn’t have 2 days off this weekend I barely got half a….Sunday…off…DAMN! It IS Monday! Groan!
OK OK already let me at least get a cup of coffee. Mean time…
Lets Laugh It Up
And now the groaners are even coming in comics form! Zack, Mike R., beamrider you’d better step up your game!
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’
I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’
‘Well,’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’
‘Who said my Dad’s dead?’
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?’
‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Italian golfer. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said my grandpa’s dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’
‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’
‘No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF – YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF – YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF – YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?
IF – YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF – YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF – YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
YOU’D BE IN THE WRONG Freaking HOUSE!
Wow I didn’t expect to be dragging this header out again quite so fast but apparently my Friday Last Word on the Angry America poll struck a chord with reader Dan from NYC. His comments followed by my follow up response rather than rebuttal since we seem to both be on the same page regarding this:
Dan in NYC June 10, 2011 at 17:34 says:
I’m try to keep in mind this is a humor site but when I saw those poll numbers the other side of my brain powered up. None of the stats really surprise me although I think there may be a bias toward the left. Who can really say that the Feds are adequately addressing, let alone solving the economic problems we face – other than the 18% that work for the federal government? Some of the questions miss the point entirely so I’ll assume this was worked on by some professor’s grad students who have no clue about making a living. For example, how honest is it to ask (#22) if a respondent feels their income is stagnant? The vast majority of Americans (those that are awake at least) who still have jobs know that their wages may be the same but their dollars buying power is shrinking ~ 21% in the last 12 months. Stagnant my ass! The pond is draining! What about asking about job opportunities?
I found the variance in responses on #21 between the retirement numbers (70:30), putting their kids through college (45:48), starting a family (31:56) and buying a home (29:63) not at all surprising with the exception of the kids through college. My take is that each looks at different age demographics. Those thinking about retirement, seriously at least, tend to be past the other 3. Those thinking about college may be counting on aid and other traditional programs that may not be available when it comes time to pull the trigger. Even state universities are constantly facing having to raise tuition & fees. Starting a family precludes the first two but is very telling but of what? Values? Selfishness? Immaturity? Who can say? Likewise buying a home from scratch is a young person’s game. Given the ever shrinking values in most of the country I suspect the confidence of youth is the bane of the potential retirees. But then the banks aren’t lending so easily – if at all.
The fact is jobs that aren’t being off-shored are being, to coin a phrase, in-shored. The madness of the embrace of the hapless influx of undocumented because they’re illegals are not just picking fruit or any of the other such BS claims of the left. They are flooding the ranks of workers taking jobs that our kids, or unskilled workers would be happy to have. Hell, they’re even knocking out other Americans of Hispanic origin who have settled here legally.
The Republicans are full of shit and the lefties want to “take the mother down”. Arab Spring, Euro Summer and then what? The winter of our discontent? All lies, obfuscation and cheer-leading aside, we ARE in the second dip and I don’t see where anyone – political, corporate or otherwise – who has any real interest in making it better — even if they could.
Pay down your debt. Buy food like it’s going out of style and clothing regardless of the style. Harder times are on the doorstep.
First of all, why is it that everyone can remember the humor part of our format and nobody can remember the timely topics /social / political (listed in order of importance I might point out) commentary / consciousness raising portion of things? THAT is what gets you people all fired up and commenting not the humor!
My response to Dan:
lethalleprechaun June 11, 2011 at 00:26 says:
Dan I’ll tell you what my financial adviser said to me when I asked him what HE was buying in the current market.
His response was “Canned goods and ammunition”.
Clothes is a good point I had not really considered prior either since I’m not a fashion plate or much of a clothes horse. Unless leaving the house I’m usually in jeans and an old t-shirt barefoot.
I’d suggest in addition a a couple good heavy belts, some decent camping gear (Both Bedding & cooking) some basic fishing tackle, a compass and several maps both topographical and road of your area, a decent assortment of good quality hand tools, several sheath and folding knives of various sizes with materials for sharpening them. a selection of oil fired hurricane lamps and at least one of those white gas lanterns. Most importantly, especially if you are stocking up on can goods made sure you have a good sturdy heavy duty can opener. You’d be surprised how many people over look this item in their emergency kits.
Get yourself a real good family sized first aid kit and augment it with the usual assortment of over the counter remedies you might need as well as extra bandages and an advanced first aid manual (a tackle box is an excellent way to contain all this). Drinking water filters and treatment as well as containers for carrying both a personal and potable water supply are also a must as is several rolls of duct tape, a roll of polyethylene, at least an 8 x !2 fiberglass reinforced tarp and some rope and cordage. Parachute cord is easy to come by is disproportionately strong for it’s size ( 1/8” in diameter but supports over five hundred pounds) and stores just about anywhere.
Find a couple of “urban survival guides” and a copy of “How things work”. AN old time boy scout field guide from the 1970s or 1980s would be a sound investment too. A book or two on homeopathic remedies and/or medicinal uses for herbs would not be amiss either.
Lastly and most importantly of all, keep your mouth shut about having this stuff and being prepared. in a situation where you need to use it your priorities are you and your family first. You have no friends, only unprepared liabilities. Yes that’s harsh but survival has always been about the fittest and best prepared that is life and nature’s way and nature is a harsh mistress.
One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He laid there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents’ room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex.
He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, “Daddy?”, voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. “What are you and Mommy doing?” The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. “Well, Johnny, I’m…um… You know how you were wanting a baby brother?” “Yes…” replied little Johnny in a timid voice. “Well, I’m a putting little brother in your Mommy for you.” Johnny smiled and said, “Oh, ok!” and left the room feeling safe and secure.
The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife’s arms. The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. “What’s wrong???” Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern. “Daddy! you… you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy???” “Yes…” the Dad replied nervously. “Well… well… Today… *sniff*… the mailman came over and he ate him!”
A professor at the Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
Ahmed replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Vegetarians and vegans spend entirely too much time trying to make vegetables taste like meat. You made your choice, now live with it hippie!
If you’re reading a book to your child and you decide to do a funny voice, you better be prepared to repeat that voice for like 3 fucking years.
Mental Note: Actual notes work better.
I have a hard time grasping the fact that in other countries, peoples thoughts are in a different language.
You’re the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?
The “don’t talk to me about kids until you have a kid” people are extremely annoying. I don’t think I need to produce another human being to know it’s problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his bitch.
I wonder how many twins are going by the wrong name because their parents mixed them up when they were babies…
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Guys- what you lack in height does not need to be made up for in pure, unadulterated douchebaggery
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?’
‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.
Well the field narrows yet again. Personally despite what ever dribbles from his lips I an counting Newt as fork stuck in him done. However this whole thing opens a window on an ( in my opinion) ugly aspect of Republican campaigning and explaining failing to make the grade.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign team resigns en masse
By Steve Holland WASHINGTON | Thu Jun 9, 2011 6:16pm EDT
(Reuters) – Key members of Republican Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign team resigned on Thursday in a devastating blow to his 2012 election hopes.
Rick Tyler, who quit as Gingrich’s spokesman, cited “a difference of opinion on how to move forward” as the reason he, campaign manager Rob Johnson, senior strategist Dave Carney and others left the campaign.
The mass exodus from Gingrich’s campaign, which has sputtered from the beginning, could scare off would-be financial contributors and other supporters.
Texas Governor Rick Perry, considering a late entry into the 2012 contest, could benefit since Johnson and Carney are former Perry aides who left his side when he had earlier ruled out a race.
Gingrich said in a statement he is still a candidate.
“I am committed to running the substantive, solutions-oriented campaign I set out to run earlier this spring,” he said. “The campaign begins anew Sunday in Los Angeles.”
Newt dude incase you didn’t get the memo? when your ENTIRE campaign team resigns en masse that’s an indication they threw the towel in for you. If you cannot convince your own people of your commitment and viability how the hell do you expect to convenience voters and contributors?
Callista Gingrich Joins GOP’s Worst Wives Club
So Callista Gingrich forced Newt’s campaign implosion by dragging him on an Aegean cruise? Hardly—she’s just joined Marsha Barbour and Cheri Daniels as the latest victim of the GOP’s ugly new fad: Blame the wife.
The more I think about it, I’m starting to get a little disappointed in Richard Nixon. Why didn’t his team ever figure out that all of his problems, from Watergate to pesky reporters to, well, the Jews, could so easily be dumped on his wife? “It’s Pat—she drove us to these reckless decisions. We all tried to stop her.” But those were the days when Republican wives were quiet homemakers in their “respectable cloth coats,” not all uppity like Jackie Kennedy.
Those days, apparently, are gone. The latest ugly fad in GOP circles is to blame everything on the Mrs. “The problem was the wife,” is the headline of a gossipy piece by Fred Barnes on Newt Gingrich’s political collapse. No one in the article is courageous enough to say this on the record, by the way, but we all know—wink, wink—what’s really going on.
The former speaker of the United States House of Representatives, college professor, nemesis of presidents, author of umpteen books, relentless Amazon book reviewer, outspoken commentator on Fox News and every Sunday show in America, is unable to walk from here to there without Callista holding his hand while tripping the blind and stealing money from church collection plates to fund her countless Tiffany rings and Greek cruises.
It was Callista, officer, who forced her husband to make his inelegant comments on Medicare that infuriated the conservative base. It was Callista who used witchcraft or voodoo to make it impossible for well-paid, experienced campaign aides—all of them adults—to earn the trust and respect of a veteran political operator. It was Callista who was behind Newt’s embarrassing glitter-bombing by a gay activist. And it was Callista who placed a gag and handcuffs on her husband and forced him to take a vacation away from the oppressive Washington heat.
Well I, for one, am not buying it. And I have to say I’m a little ticked off that Newt Gingrich’s campaign collapse is suddenly all Callista’s fault.
Come to think of it, the GOP’s “wife is the villain” motif is not completely novel. In the 1980s, before the Reagans became America’s version of Grandpa and Grandma Moses, Nancy Reagan was the Cruella de Ville to Ronnie’s sweet-as-a-puppy-dog presidency. And in 2008, that role was played by Jeri Thompson—Fred’s so-called trophy wife—who prevented his campaign’s genius, faultless advisers from making the former Tennessee senator our nation’s commander in chief. (Fred, by the way, would have none of that. He used to joke, “Jeri’s not the trophy wife. I’m the trophy husband.”) So far, however, the 2012 campaign has taken all this up another unsavory notch.
Ok, so let me see if I have this all right and in perspective now.
The Democrats can’t either keep it in their pants or off the internet and spending us into total bankruptcy.
The Republicans who have little in the way or sexual morals their own self are all controlled puppet master style by their evil manipulative behind the scenes controlling wives? They slam the Democrats at every turn but fail to provide any serious substantial/solutions /ideas of their own and are content with the status quo provided that status quo is pissing all over Obama’s presidency. Have I got that right?
Mean time the darling of the tea party set, Mz. “I’m not running for President; I’m just touring America in this campaign bus” Sarah Palin is painted the wicked witch Momma Bear of Alaska. The same governor who rode herd on the Oil companies until they became docile and reasonable, making the citizens of Alaska richer than any governor has made the citizens of their state in history.
She was harassed by the media and the politicians for even THINKING about being anyplace near the white house until she felt she could not govern effectively any longer and resigned only to continue to be hounded by the liberal media.
They have succeeded in gaining access to her e-mail only to find exactly nothing. No dirt. No mismanagement. No embarrassment. Only competent governing. Apparently because she isn’t a pervert, a sex addict, a closet (or is that stall?) homosexual and doesn’t need a women standing behind her to tell her what to do the old boys network feels justified in condemning her too, even though she apparently isn’t even running yet and seems to have a superior moral and ethical record than most of the candidates and half of congress!.
I wonder if its too late to get England to take us back as a crown colony? I mean seriously, how much worse can the politics and bullshit possibly be?