Yup your eyes don’t deceive you, its your ever luvin’ ever faithful constantly curmudgeonly Leprechaun on duty again this morning. This IM transcript should serve to explain how I got to be doing today’s issue.
Leprechaun: THAT is your great “Master Plan” to increase readership? Gratuitous baby pictures in every issue??!
impishdragon: Yeah. That’s my plan. It’ll work once more in August too.
Leprechaun:: So what’s the Sitrep, am I publishing Saturday? If so I need to start an issue for it
impishdragon: SITREP: under constant barrage of fire! Have men down. I repeat. Have men down. Your immediate action requested. Affirm. Please create DL for Saturday. Unable to determine if we can hold position through then. Acknowledge …
Leprechaun: Understand issue is in doubt. Stand by for posting reinforcement, additonal coffee supplies and Close Attitude Support. Firebase Shamrock sending The Irish Brigade to reinforce for counter attack. Incoming ordinance WILL BE HEAVY GUNS suggest you execute duck and cover under desk or on lunch hour until barrage lifts.
impishdragon: Save yourselves!
Leprechaun: Negative. Hold until relieved this command leave no man or dragon behind. I fear no inspection except from the Inspector General code named Mother In Law. The shadow of death is the one Marines cast! GENTLEMEN, PREPARE TO DEFEND YOURSELVES! FIX BAYONETTES! PREPARE TO REPEL BOARDERS! SEMPER FI DO OR DIE HOLD ‘EM HIGH AT 8TH & I! PUG MO’ THOIN!
impishdragon: Thanks pal
So there you have it. I can report the dragon was successfully reinforced and is now holding his own against the Red Tape Menace and their allies the Anally Retentive Minions of Bureaucratic Minutia and Record Keeping. Since Impish is still waging the war after battling them to a stalemate yesterday I’ve picking up his slack in the blog department.
SO…. now that explanations have been made:
IT’S THE WEEKEND! LET’S GET OUR LAUGH ON!
WHAT?! It’s the WEEKEND! I’m relaxing! Haven’t you ever kicked back and let it all hang out? You should see what Impish looks like when he is putting together a weekend edition!
It’s even funnier when he gets his backside stuck in his office chair and we have to pry it off him!
As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbor’s son Paul and his fiancée Sharon just going in.
“Did you see that? ” Sadie says.
“See what?” asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is referring to.
“Paul’s fiancée, that’s who,” Sadie says, “She’s dressing all wrong.
She’s probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn’t be wearing such a skimpy see through top.
And such a tight leather skirt she’s wearing – I don’t know how she can breathe properly.
And it’s so short, it make her legs look too long.
I know she’s got a beautiful face but I don’t think blonde dyed hair suits her.
Believe me, Irving, that marriage won’t last more than 1 year.”
With a deep sigh, Irving replies, “Please God I should have such a year!
I left Impish with a bodyguard as you can see
Animation Video ~ good one!!!!!
Thanks to Lynn for this. Its one of the best I have seen
Click on the link below the pigeon and make sure your sound is on…..
Since we of course all are missing the Dragon today and his umm… “wit and stylings”, I thought I would ease the pain of separation by using as many gratuitous dragon graphics and cartoons as I could. Besides he’s paying extra for me to do it so you don’t forget him.
I vow Impish will never become extinct in our memories…just as long as he keeps paying me to remind you he is around that is!
We need to show more sympathy for these people.
They travel miles in the heat.
They risk their lives crossing a border.
They don’t get paid enough wages.
They do jobs that others won’t do or are afraid to do.
They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language.
They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day ~ every day..
I’m not talking about illegal Mexicans ~ (are you bloody NUTS?!)
I’m talking about our troops!
Doesn’t it seem strange that so many are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don’t support our troops?
Wouldn’t it be great if we took the $360,000,000,000 (that’s billion) we spend on illegals every year, and spend it on our troops and caring for their families!!!
Now if we could only get Impish to remember to PEEL THEM before eating them!
Wadda ya know he remembered! Maybe dragons CAN be trained!
OTTAWA (Reuters) – Two Canadians died instantly in a freak accident when a car hit a 440-pound (200-kg) black bear and sent the animal flying straight through the windshield of an oncoming vehicle, local media said Wednesday.
The bear’s body hit the 25-year-old driver and a 40-year-old man sitting behind her and then shot out of the back window. The bear also died.
Reuters– Wed Jun 8, 11:11 am ET http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110608/wl_canada_nm/canada_us_bear
Must be Congressman Weiner’s kid – it was probably Weiner’s wienerschnitzel she saw being eaten!
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.
At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. “I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.”
“Ahhh, that’s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin’,” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
“That’s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”
“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.
“There’s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team’s players in the … in a sensitive area.”
“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin’ when you did these awful things?”
“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”
Hey I said I would use “as many gratuitous dragon graphics and cartoons as I could.”, I didn’t say I would not slip in a Irish joke or two.
2011 Computer Reliability Reports: Lenovo, Asus On Top
By Press Release | Last updated Jun 5, 2011, 8:51 am
“There have been some interesting changes over the last 3 months. We are in a time of rapid technical change and consumers more than ever need to have up-to-date unbiased guidance.” stated David Milman CEO of RESCUECOM.
The Computer Reliability Report gives an unbiased summary of the most reliable personal computer manufacturers. The top five brands with the best overall reliability in Q1 2011 are:
- IBM/Lenovo (254)
- Asus (242)
- Toshiba (164)
- Apple (149)
- HP/Compaq (122)
Although both Asus and Lenovo climbed in the rankings, Lenovo managed to maintain their lead. Interestingly Lenovo increased their market share over 26% this quarter, while ASUS lost almost 40%.
HP/Compaq was the runaway leader in number of PC’s shipped even with losing 2.5% market share, but they are now struggling to stay in the top five. Although grouped with the “Other brands” category, Samsung is rapidly rising in market share. Looked at separately Samsung would place third, bumping out HP/Compaq. With over 260% gain in market share, Samsung is a brand to watch in the future.
Apple, one of the proverbial reliability favorites narrowly missed number one in the last ranking. Now while increasing 26% in market share, mostly at the expense of Dell, they have fallen to fourth place. While Apple’s reliability has consistently placed them in the top five, it will be interesting to see if they can keep their ongoing commitment to quality.
RESCUECOM determines the manufacturer’s reliability by comparing their market share of shipped computers in a given time period, to the percentage of computer repair calls RESCUECOM handles for that same manufacturer. There are two key reliability areas reflected in the report: The component quality used, and the likelihood of the customer to seek third party support on their PC. Failure prone components lead to more frequent computer repair, and a lack of manufacturer support leads to seeking outside support options, such as RESCUECOM.
The following data was used to calculate reliability scores for the Q1 2011 Computer Reliability Report:
Manufacturer: U.S. Computer RESCUECOM Computer
Market Share – Computer Repair Share – Reliability
(percentage Share (percentage of service calls Score of computers shipped) to 1-800-RESCUE-PC)
IBM/Lenovo 5.5 % 2.17 % 254
Asus 3.0 % 1.24 % 242
Toshiba 10.2 % 6.19 % 164
Apple 9.7 % 6.50 % 149
HP/Compaq 26.5 % 21.67% 122
*Data Source: IDC
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes.
The desk clerk says, “I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?”
With this the man replies, “I’ll take the teacher.”
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, “I’m curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?”
The man replies, “The stenographer would say that she can’t take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I’m finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right.”
Impish has been ducking him for weeks now ever since he heard St George trained the Black Knight.
Q: What’s the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?
A: The nun has hope in her soul.
Gee, I say that every time the dragon says ‘Hey can you cover for me?”
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D. “He says he hasn’t had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her.”
“Don’t worry so much,” advised the doctor. “These things happen.”
“I know, doctor,” said the father, “but I have to admit that I’ve been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms.”
“Not only that, I think I’ve passed it to my wife.”
“Oh Shit,” said the doc, “That means we all have it.”
Archie Bunker on Democrats
It’s pretty telling when a show that originally aired during the Carter administration is equally applicable in an Obama world.
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, “Do I click the square?”
I said, “Yes.”
She asked me, “Single click or double click?”
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke,
“Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.” Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house. Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.
Then, after a while, the Parrot said, “Straight, straight, curly!”
The 10 Issues Fast-Food Companies Don’t Want You To Know
The secrets aren’t only in the sauce.
Every business has its secrets, or aspects it would rather that the public not know. Fast-food companies are not exception.
Jillian Mincer and Catey Hill outlined the 10 things in Smart Money that fast-food companies would rather you did not figure out.
1) Of course they have healthy options, but they will cost you more. So much for their claims of trying to provide good nutrition to their customers.
Pricing, in addition to the heavy marketing of unhealthy food options, undercuts what the fast food industry says is its commitment to healthy options. On average, the salad with chicken at a fast-food restaurant tends to be the most expensive option on the menu ($4.85 on average) and costs $1.90 more than a large burger and the healthy chicken sandwich costs $3.73 on average, about 26% more than a large “red-meat sandwich.
2) Don’t count on a lot of the money in fund raising actually going to the intended recipient.
These programs aren’t as lucrative as schools might hope, according to a 2006 report by Arizona State University’s Commercialism in Education Unit. The report found that almost three out of four schools participating in these so-called income-generating advertising activities didn’t receive any income in the 2003-2004 academic year. In addition, 12.6% of schools received $2,500 or less and less than 1% of schools received more than $50,000.
3) The VALUE meals are expensive.
That bundled meal option may encourage customers to spend more than they would otherwise. It’s true that the value meal is typically cheaper than the sum of its parts, but research suggests some people don’t actually want all the parts, or not in such large sizes.
4) The smiles from staff are intended to make you spend.
According to Gallup research from 2011 an “engaged fast-food customer spend 16% more than a customer who is not engaged” and “the most powerful driver of engagement in a fast-food restaurant is ‘being treated as a valued customer,’ followed by ‘the warmth of the greeting’ and ‘taste of food.'”
5) Unless you are connected you can’t buy a good fast food franchise.
Thanks to the slow economy and intense competition, many fast-food businesses are sticking established owners, who are better able to withstand short-term challenges with a new franchise than a rookie owner.
6. Food isn’t the only thing we serve fast.
As careful as many fast-food restaurants are, there have been Salmonella, E. coli and other food-poisoning bacteria outbreaks in recent years, including a rare but serious 2006 outbreak of E. coli linked to Taco Bell by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that sickened hundreds in the northeast.
7. Don’t like our building? We’ll change it.
All of them [fast-food chains] will build site-specific buildings if they’re made to do that, hundreds of communities across the country have successfully lobbied fast-food shops to design buildings that fit their neighborhoods’ styles.
8. Our food may be cheap. Our stocks, not so much.
Some fast-food stocks have been on a tear over the last 12 months, driven by an improving economy. So far this year, Yum! Brands (YUM: 54.41, 0.53, 0.98%), which owns Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and KFC, has gained about 43%; Starbucks (SBUX: 36.03, 0.29, 0.81%) has increased 70%. But with a few exceptions, this might be a better time to eat your favorite fast food restaurant than to own its shares, say some investing pros.
9. We’re keeping soft drink prices low.
In recent years, governments at all levels have been flirting with the idea of a tax on soda, condemning the sugary, carbonated beverages for their high-calorie, low-nutrient value. But so far, they’ve had no luck raising the price of pop, thanks in part to aggressive lobbying on the part of the fast-food industry.
10. Those toys aren’t free
In 2006, fast-food joints spent an estimated $360 million on the toys, according to a Federal Trade Commission report. But the industry more than made up for that investment with some $348.5 billion in kids meals sales.
The first guy said, “You know, I’m really lucky. When my wife makes love, she’s like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions.”
The second guy said, “I’m lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She’s got the most talented hands you can imagine.” No one spoke for a moment.
Then the first guy said to the third guy, “Impish how’s you wife in bed?”
Impish took a sip of his beer, then replied, “I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player.”
“A chess player?”
“Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves.”
NOBLE BIRTH?! Good luck with that pal! I have a hard enough time find virgins that are old enough for you to legally eat at all!
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked her rather tentatively.
‘I would like it infrequently’ she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,
‘Is that one word or two?’
TRUST ME that’s NOT what Impish spent his time lighting…and still does!
I think this is Impish’s greatest fear, I know he has nightmares about it!
No Last Word today as I spent too much time when assembling this issue on making sure you didn’t miss the Dragon too much. Now Molly is muttering about locating her rolling pin if I don’t get started on that honey-do list.
I hope all the dragon graphics kept you from missing our errant Impish Dragon TOO much and garnered a couple belly laughs as well.
I’ll see you all again on Monday and Hopefully Impish will be back come Tuesday and all will return to normal While ordinarily I appreciate letters of support and thanks for my stepping in Impish let’s keep it low key this time around please, we don’t need Impish losing any sleep fretting that you readers like me better than him or having nightmares about being replaced by me ( as if I could ever eat THAT much! ).
Impish Pal, I got nuthin’ but love in my heart for ya….and your gold. This was all really a tribute to our feckless…I MEAN fearless leader and the true heart and soul of Dragon Laffs. Don’t think of this as me throwing you under the bus ( again) but rather as your own personal tribute roasting, only with a way smaller budget and considerably less profanity.
By the way the bill for all this and 15% extra for being kind to you and saying nice things about you is on your desk. I’d appreciate a check on mine by Monday please!