Leprechaun Laffs # 72 for Friday 06/10


 LL All Blarney No Baloney

Inner Weekend

WAHOO IT’S THE WEEKEND! TIME TO KICK BACK AND… spend the weekend slaving at the Honey-do ranch according to the list I was just handed. SIGH!

Oh well at least we can:

LAUGH LIKE ITS FRIDAY AND YOU’RE SNEAKING OUT EARLY!

Impish I’m watching you (and so are the inspectors!) so don’t even THINK about trying it!

Nothing Before Coffee

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. “But–where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.
“Mama,” he replies, “in America, nobody wears a beard.”
“But at least you keep the Sabbath?”
“Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.”
“But kosher food you still eat?”
“Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, “Isaac, tell me–you’re still circumcised?”

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Now THAT is a Candy Store!

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I want to meet the mold model! I wonder if any of them come cream filled?

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I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.

Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills — which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, “Coming soon! New Larger Bills!”

——–

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.

“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

——–

A mission statement is defined as “a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.”

All good companies have one.

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Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn’t help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: “Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don’t come in here!”

Swiss Army Bike

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Folding Electric Bike by Voltitude

First Kiss

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh, come on! Who’s going to see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?”
“Oh, come on. There’s nobody around. They’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh, please, please. I like you so much!”
“No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh, yes you can. Please!”
“No, no. I just can’t.”
“Pleeeeease!”
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.

In a sleepy voice, the sister says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he’ll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

Leprechaun Tech Talk

Helping Impish Dragon work off his Community Service one PSA at a time

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A Neat Way To Identify Power Cords !

This is a great idea!

Use bread clips to identify power cords when you have a bunch of them in a power strip.

This makes it easy to select the right one.

Just use a Sharpie to mark them.

Works on that tangle of cables behind your TV, DVD and home theater set ups too!

Bumper Snickers 2

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Bumper Snickers for Old Folk

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Bumper Snickers for Old Folk3

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure it out.

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DL Introspection Header

A politician involved in a sex scandal? Say it ain’t so!

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Democrat Congressman Anthony Weiner has pushed Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger off the hot seat. Weiner got caught tweeting a picture of his Weinerette to a young woman he met via Twitter. Then he lied about it until evidence piled up, at which point he admitted to getting iFrisky with SIX women — despite getting married less than a year ago.

The Top 10 Things You Should Never Do If Your Last Name Is Weiner

10> Wear socks with sandals. It just looks stupid.

9> Refer to disciplining your child as “spanking my little Weiner.”

8> Agree to be John Boehner’s running mate.

7> Become a partner in a law firm with Small, Johnson and Wang.

6> Use your name in vein.

5> Perform magic at your high school talent show as “The Amazing, Astounding, Magnificent Weiner.”

4> Open a tattoo/piercing or massage/waxing business named after yourself.

3> Co-sponsor meat-industry regulation bills with Barney Frank.

2> “This is America. If Disney can have a theme park, I can have a theme park.”

and The Number 1 Thing You Should Never Do If Your Last Name Is Weiner…

1> Behave like one.

[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

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While Impish’s phrase ‘Cyber Flashing’ IS certainly an accurate term for Weiner displaying his wiener, someone else has already coined what it appears will be the media adopted term for this behavior, ‘iFrisky‘.

I still can’t help but wonder if it was Kosher and therefore a Hebrew National. HEY! Don’t groan at me over a bad pun! I have been listening to Jon Stewart trying not to make fun of this and failing all week!

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Speaking of comics and the field day they are having at the expenses of Weiner’s wiener, here a few great ones from the master himself Jay Leno.

From Tuesday’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

JAY LENO: According to TMZ, the day after First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the new USDA guide to healthy eating, President Obama was spotted in Ohio eating two chili dogs… That’s two politicians this week getting in trouble for their wieners.

What a story this is! Yesterday, Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known of course as the ‘peter tweeter,’ that’s who he is now. Well, he held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. Did you see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone.

See, this is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days with Sen. Larry Craig? You had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door. Now they send it right to your house. It’s fantastic!

Well, you know this was gonna happen. A second woman has come forward now, and she says she has over 200 explicit sex text messages from the married congressman. She says they’re very short messages, you know, like cocktail wieners. They’re the smaller…

Anyway, yesterday, Weiner said he wanted to apologize to his constituents, especially the really hot ones. He feels bad about that. But he said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls, three years, and no sex — Do you know what I call that? High school. OK? That was high school. That was high school for me.

And his wife, I guess his beautiful wife, Huma, she’s a beautiful woman, if you’ve seen her. She is an aide for Hillary Clinton. And I guess Hillary called Huma to console her, while Anthony Weiner got a call from Bill going, ‘Yeah!!!’

Since lawmakers are already attempting to prevent teens from sex-texting the same sort of pictures to each other under child pornography laws  I cannot help but wonder if Internet Laws regarding ‘Indecent Cyber Exposure’ can be far off for our increasingly draconian and personal life invading government to prevent our lawmakers from sex-texting their constituents. Though I will point out that Weiner’s apparent physique and endowment are a hell of a lot more impressive than some of the platforms our Congressmen run on and win as well as the fact he apparently has a large and hard working staff!

Two timely, topical and original leprechaun groaners in this introspection, oh yeah the bad puns bar has just been raised! Zack, beamrider, MikeR. and the rest of you, you’re on notice, you’ve got to step up your game and get creative and original if you want to run with the big dog now! Don’t worry about running with the dragon, he can barely plod along and resorts to cheating by fly-hopping in a foot race.

DL LAst Word simple

 

Apparently its not just Impish and I that are outraged by the things happening in America or by Obama and his action (s) or in action(s). Clearly a great deal of America is also pretty angry and stressed over the situation as well.

America the Angry

As unemployment hits 9.1 percent, Americans are losing their cool. A Newsweek/Daily Beast poll finds rising anger levels affecting everything from work to sex drive. Plus, great thinkers from Cornel West to Robert Reich tell us what they’re angry about.

Gas and grocery prices are soaring, the housing market is crashing to new lows, and yet another dismal jobs report has confirmed a stubbornly high unemployment rate. Could the anger fueling the Arab Spring soon bring club-wielding protesters to America?

According to an exclusive poll by Newsweek and The Daily Beast, reality is beginning to break down Americans’ normally optimistic attitude. Three-quarters of our respondents think the country is on the wrong track. A majority say the anxiety wrought by this recession has caused relationship problems and sleep deficiency. Two-thirds even report being angry at God. See the results of our poll below.

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By almost four to one, Americans say our economy is not delivering the jobs we need, 81 percent to 12 percent.

And Obama isn’t helping. 50 percent of respondents think the president has no real plan to balance the budget; 40 percent say he does.

Republicans aren’t getting any love, either. Our poll respondents say the GOP is just laying the blame on Obama rather than making their own positive proposals, 58 percent to 29 percent.

Over half (52 percent) say their personal economic situation makes them nervous. Forty eight percent say it makes them anxious, 44 percent say it makes them upset, and 30 percent say it makes them angry.

Americans are even losing sleep over this: 56 percent are so angry about their personal economic situation that they have lost sleep.

Thirteen percent say their anger has affected their sex life. Of those, 63 percent say they experienced a lower sex drive at least some of the time.

Listen up, Republicans: Our respondents overwhelmingly say they support increasing taxes on the wealthiest as a means of balancing the budget, 68 percent to 27 percent.

Seventy percent of Americans are nervous about their retirement because of their personal economic situation; 45 percent are nervous about being able to put their children through college; 31 percent are nervous about starting a family; and 29 percent are nervous about being able to afford to buy a home.

Twenty seven percent say their family’s economic situation has affected their health, and 26 percent of those married say it has affected their marriage.

Of those who say their family’s economic situation has affected their marriage, 57 percent say their relationship with their spouse has become worse, while 34 percent say it has become stronger.

Douglas Schoen is a political strategist and author of the upcoming book Mad as Hell: How the Tea Party Movement is Fundamentally Remaking Our Two-Party System to be published by Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins on September 14. Schoen has worked on numerous campaigns, including those of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Michael Bloomberg, Evan Bayh, Tony Blair, and Ed Koch

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-06-04/anger-in-america-could-the-arab-spring-happen-in-the-us/

DL Closing Credits

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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7 Responses to Leprechaun Laffs # 72 for Friday 06/10

  1. I'm Really Matt the pathetic Male Enhacement Spammer says:

    brinkka2011 says: I apologise, but you could not paint little bit more in detail.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Apparently Matt’s Male Enhancement products are so ineffectual that even he has stopped taking them now and opted for the transgender route!

      Let that be a lesson to you, both regarding the effectiveness of spammed male enhancement products and the need for a pre-kiss “grab and grope” check for hidden pathetic packages!

      Anyone wants to let Matt know he’s been Shillelagh Slapped once again by the Leprechaun for his spamming attempt his e-mail is: mattcut90@gmail.com

  2. Dan in NYC says:

    Yep! Add in some extra threads and meds.

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    Dan I’ll tell you what my financial adviser said to me when I asked him what HE was buying in the current market.
    His response was “Canned goods and ammunition”.

  4. Dan in NYC says:

    I’m try to keep in mind this is a humor site but when I saw those poll numbers the other side of my brain powered up. None of the stats really surprise me although I think there may be a bias toward the left. Who can really say that the Feds are adequately addressing, let alone solving the economic problems we face – other than the 18% that work for the federal government? Some of the questions miss the point entirely so I’ll assume this was worked on by some professor’s grad students who have no clue about making a living. For example, how honest is it to ask (#22) if a respondent feels their income is stagnant? The vast majority of Americans (those that are awake at least) who still have jobs know that their wages may be the same but their dollars buying power is shrinking ~ 21% in the last 12 months. Stagnant my ass! The pond is draining! What about asking about job opportunities?

    I found the variance in responses on #21 between the retirement numbers (70:30), putting their kids through college (45:48), starting a family (31:56) and buying a home (29:63) not at all surprising with the exception of the kids through college. My take is that each looks at different age demographics. Those thinking about retirement, seriously at least, tend to be past the other 3. Those thinking about college may be counting on aid and other traditional programs that may not be available when it comes time to pull the trigger. Even state universities are constantly facing having to raise tuition & fees. Starting a family precludes the first two but is very telling but of what? Values? Selfishness? Immaturity? Who can say? Likewise buying a home from scratch is a young person’s game. Given the ever shrinking values in most of the country I suspect the confidence of youth is the bane of the potential retirees. But then the banks aren’t lending so easily – if at all.

    The fact is jobs that aren’t being off-shored are being, to coin a phrase, in-shored. The madness of the embrace of the hapless influx of undocumented because they’re illegals are not just picking fruit or any of the other such BS claims of the left. They are flooding the ranks of workers taking jobs that our kids, or unskilled workers would be happy to have. Hell, they’re even knocking out other Americans of Hispanic origin who have settled here legally.

    The Republicans are full of shit and the lefties want to “take the mother down”. Arab Spring, Euro Summer and then what? The winter of our discontent? All lies, obfuscation and cheer-leading aside, we ARE in the second dip and I don’t see where anyone – political, corporate or otherwise – who has any real interest in making it better — even if they could.

    Pay down your debt. Buy food like it’s going out of style and clothing regardless of the style. Harder times are on the doorstep.

    • impishdragon says:

      People look around and say how horrible it is right now, but campers, we’re here to tell you, it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. Dan, I agree with your assessment, and your advice. And Lethal, yours mimics my own. One of the scary things about Grand babies…..what kind of a world are we turning over to them?

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        Your comment on grandchildren Impish is one of the reasons Molly and I chose not to have any kids.

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