WAHOO IT’S THE WEEKEND! TIME TO KICK BACK AND… spend the weekend slaving at the Honey-do ranch according to the list I was just handed. SIGH!
Oh well at least we can:
LAUGH LIKE ITS FRIDAY AND YOU’RE SNEAKING OUT EARLY!
Impish I’m watching you (and so are the inspectors!) so don’t even THINK about trying it!
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. “But–where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.
“Mama,” he replies, “in America, nobody wears a beard.”
“But at least you keep the Sabbath?”
“Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.”
“But kosher food you still eat?”
“Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, “Isaac, tell me–you’re still circumcised?”
Now THAT is a Candy Store!
I want to meet the mold model! I wonder if any of them come cream filled?
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills — which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, “Coming soon! New Larger Bills!”
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.
“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
A mission statement is defined as “a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.”
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn’t help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: “Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don’t come in here!”
Swiss Army Bike
Folding Electric Bike by Voltitude
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh, come on! Who’s going to see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?”
“Oh, come on. There’s nobody around. They’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh, please, please. I like you so much!”
“No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh, yes you can. Please!”
“No, no. I just can’t.”
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice, the sister says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he’ll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
Helping Impish Dragon work off his Community Service one PSA at a time
A Neat Way To Identify Power Cords !
This is a great idea!
Use bread clips to identify power cords when you have a bunch of them in a power strip.
This makes it easy to select the right one.
Just use a Sharpie to mark them.
Works on that tangle of cables behind your TV, DVD and home theater set ups too!
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure it out.
A politician involved in a sex scandal? Say it ain’t so!
Democrat Congressman Anthony Weiner has pushed Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger off the hot seat. Weiner got caught tweeting a picture of his Weinerette to a young woman he met via Twitter. Then he lied about it until evidence piled up, at which point he admitted to getting iFrisky with SIX women — despite getting married less than a year ago.
The Top 10 Things You Should Never Do If Your Last Name Is Weiner
10> Wear socks with sandals. It just looks stupid.
9> Refer to disciplining your child as “spanking my little Weiner.”
8> Agree to be John Boehner’s running mate.
7> Become a partner in a law firm with Small, Johnson and Wang.
6> Use your name in vein.
5> Perform magic at your high school talent show as “The Amazing, Astounding, Magnificent Weiner.”
4> Open a tattoo/piercing or massage/waxing business named after yourself.
3> Co-sponsor meat-industry regulation bills with Barney Frank.
2> “This is America. If Disney can have a theme park, I can have a theme park.”
and The Number 1 Thing You Should Never Do If Your Last Name Is Weiner…
1> Behave like one.
[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
While Impish’s phrase ‘Cyber Flashing’ IS certainly an accurate term for Weiner displaying his wiener, someone else has already coined what it appears will be the media adopted term for this behavior, ‘iFrisky‘.
I still can’t help but wonder if it was Kosher and therefore a Hebrew National. HEY! Don’t groan at me over a bad pun! I have been listening to Jon Stewart trying not to make fun of this and failing all week!
Speaking of comics and the field day they are having at the expenses of Weiner’s wiener, here a few great ones from the master himself Jay Leno.
From Tuesday’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno:
JAY LENO: According to TMZ, the day after First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the new USDA guide to healthy eating, President Obama was spotted in Ohio eating two chili dogs… That’s two politicians this week getting in trouble for their wieners.
What a story this is! Yesterday, Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known of course as the ‘peter tweeter,’ that’s who he is now. Well, he held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. Did you see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone.
See, this is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days with Sen. Larry Craig? You had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door. Now they send it right to your house. It’s fantastic!
Well, you know this was gonna happen. A second woman has come forward now, and she says she has over 200 explicit sex text messages from the married congressman. She says they’re very short messages, you know, like cocktail wieners. They’re the smaller…
Anyway, yesterday, Weiner said he wanted to apologize to his constituents, especially the really hot ones. He feels bad about that. But he said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls, three years, and no sex — Do you know what I call that? High school. OK? That was high school. That was high school for me.
And his wife, I guess his beautiful wife, Huma, she’s a beautiful woman, if you’ve seen her. She is an aide for Hillary Clinton. And I guess Hillary called Huma to console her, while Anthony Weiner got a call from Bill going, ‘Yeah!!!’
Since lawmakers are already attempting to prevent teens from sex-texting the same sort of pictures to each other under child pornography laws I cannot help but wonder if Internet Laws regarding ‘Indecent Cyber Exposure’ can be far off for our increasingly draconian and personal life invading government to prevent our lawmakers from sex-texting their constituents. Though I will point out that Weiner’s apparent physique and endowment are a hell of a lot more impressive than some of the platforms our Congressmen run on and win as well as the fact he apparently has a large and hard working staff!
Two timely, topical and original leprechaun groaners in this introspection, oh yeah the bad puns bar has just been raised! Zack, beamrider, MikeR. and the rest of you, you’re on notice, you’ve got to step up your game and get creative and original if you want to run with the big dog now! Don’t worry about running with the dragon, he can barely plod along and resorts to cheating by fly-hopping in a foot race.
Apparently its not just Impish and I that are outraged by the things happening in America or by Obama and his action (s) or in action(s). Clearly a great deal of America is also pretty angry and stressed over the situation as well.
America the Angry
As unemployment hits 9.1 percent, Americans are losing their cool. A Newsweek/Daily Beast poll finds rising anger levels affecting everything from work to sex drive. Plus, great thinkers from Cornel West to Robert Reich tell us what they’re angry about.
Gas and grocery prices are soaring, the housing market is crashing to new lows, and yet another dismal jobs report has confirmed a stubbornly high unemployment rate. Could the anger fueling the Arab Spring soon bring club-wielding protesters to America?
According to an exclusive poll by Newsweek and The Daily Beast, reality is beginning to break down Americans’ normally optimistic attitude. Three-quarters of our respondents think the country is on the wrong track. A majority say the anxiety wrought by this recession has caused relationship problems and sleep deficiency. Two-thirds even report being angry at God. See the results of our poll below.
By almost four to one, Americans say our economy is not delivering the jobs we need, 81 percent to 12 percent.
And Obama isn’t helping. 50 percent of respondents think the president has no real plan to balance the budget; 40 percent say he does.
Republicans aren’t getting any love, either. Our poll respondents say the GOP is just laying the blame on Obama rather than making their own positive proposals, 58 percent to 29 percent.
Over half (52 percent) say their personal economic situation makes them nervous. Forty eight percent say it makes them anxious, 44 percent say it makes them upset, and 30 percent say it makes them angry.
Americans are even losing sleep over this: 56 percent are so angry about their personal economic situation that they have lost sleep.
Thirteen percent say their anger has affected their sex life. Of those, 63 percent say they experienced a lower sex drive at least some of the time.
Listen up, Republicans: Our respondents overwhelmingly say they support increasing taxes on the wealthiest as a means of balancing the budget, 68 percent to 27 percent.
Seventy percent of Americans are nervous about their retirement because of their personal economic situation; 45 percent are nervous about being able to put their children through college; 31 percent are nervous about starting a family; and 29 percent are nervous about being able to afford to buy a home.
Twenty seven percent say their family’s economic situation has affected their health, and 26 percent of those married say it has affected their marriage.
Of those who say their family’s economic situation has affected their marriage, 57 percent say their relationship with their spouse has become worse, while 34 percent say it has become stronger.
Douglas Schoen is a political strategist and author of the upcoming book Mad as Hell: How the Tea Party Movement is Fundamentally Remaking Our Two-Party System to be published by Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins on September 14. Schoen has worked on numerous campaigns, including those of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Michael Bloomberg, Evan Bayh, Tony Blair, and Ed Koch