Sweet Holy Mother Machree! ‘Tis Friday and Saints be praised the weekend is upon us finally! Nae ‘tis it just any old weekend but a 3 day one ta be sure and Memorial Day Weekend besides, the traditional official start o’ summer time.
Impish has been anxiously awaiting this weekend the entire month because in addition to the start o’ Summer and Memorial Day ‘tis the official start of the “Wearin’ o’ the White” season which lasts until Labor Day in September. See Impish is under the daft impression that wearing white makes him look ‘sleeker’ (his word for it). As far as I’m bloody concerned it makes him look either like a scaly cloud or the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man with bat wings though most people think he looks like a Jabba the Hutt made out of cotton balls when he wears white. Personally I think Jabba’s table manners were better.
Anyway be sure ta be watchin’ out for Monday’s Memorial Day issue from me and I expect nae ta be out done Impish may have a few words as well on the subject either Sunday or Monday as well. Mean while since I know at least half of you are already lined up at the starting gate like our friends above waiting for the Boss ta be leaving early so you can try to squeeze a 4 day weekend out of a 3 day I’ll be getting down to the business at hand.
Let’s Bloody Well Be Laughing Our Arses Off The Weekend is Upon Us!
A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The Catholic woman says, “I’ve been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The Protestant woman says, “I’ve been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday.” St. Peter tells her to step to the left.
The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, “I’ve been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family.” St. Peter tells her to step to the right.
She immediately asks him, “Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?”
St. Peter replies, “Don’t you want to go to the beauty salon first?”
The Old Professor hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades.
When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, “You look like Helen Brown.”
“Well, you don’t look so great in blue!” the woman snapped back.
Being that there will be a LOT of grilling or as we here in Texas call it BBQing going on this weekend I thought it wise for us to review the rules on BBQ:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – drink in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat.
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off,’ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
ROSWELL, N.M. — The world famous Roswell “incident” was no UFO but rather a Russian spacecraft with “grotesque, child-size aviators” developed in human experiments by Nazi doctor and war criminal Josef Mengele, according to a theory floated by investigative journalist Annie Jacobsen.
Her book, “Area 51: An Uncensored History of America’s Top Secret Military Base,” is about the secretive Nevada base called Area 51. One chapter offers the new Roswell theory, citing an anonymous source who says Joseph Stalin recruited Mengele and sent the craft into U.S. air space in 1947 to spark public hysteria.
Like past theories, Jacobsen writes that the U.S. government was involved in a cover-up of the UFO report, which has spawned space alien legend and turned this southern New Mexico town into a tourist attraction.
Trucker a human balloon after falling on compressed-air hose
WELLINGTON, New Zealand — A New Zealand truck driver said he blew up like a balloon when he fell onto the fitting of a compressed-air hose that pierced his buttock and forced air into his body at 100 pounds a square inch.
Steven McCormack was standing on his truck’s foot plate Saturday when he slipped and fell, breaking a compressed air hose off an air reservoir that powered the truck’s brakes.
He fell hard onto the brass fitting, which pierced his left buttock and started pumping air into his body.
“I felt the air rush into my body and I felt like it was going to explode from my foot,” he told local media from his hospital bed in the town of Whakatane, on North Island’s east coast.
“I was blowing up like a football,” he said. “I had no choice but just to lay there, blowing up like a balloon.”
Read more: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/7580456.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+houstonchronicle%2Ftopheadlines+%28chron.com+-+Top+Stories%29&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher#ixzz1NO9zMg57
Rapture radio preacher takes to airwaves tonight
With no Rapture, crestfallen followers turn to earthly concerns
OAKLAND, Calif. — Radio preacher Harold Camping said Monday his prophecy that the world would end was off by five months because Judgment Day actually will come on Oct. 21.
Camping, who predicted that 200 million Christians would be taken to heaven Saturday before the Earth was destroyed, said he felt so terrible when his doomsday prediction did not come true that he left home and took refuge in a motel with his wife.
His independent ministry, Family Radio International, spent millions — some of it from donations made by followers — on more than 5,000 billboards and 20 RVs plastered with the Judgment Day message.
But Camping said that he’s now realized the apocalypse will come five months after May 21, the original date he predicted. He had earlier said Oct. 21 was when the globe would be consumed by a fireball.
Saturday was “an invisible judgment day” in which a spiritual judgment took place, he said. But the timing and the structure is the same as it has always been, he said.
“We’ve always said May 21 was the day, but we didn’t understand altogether the spiritual meaning,” he said. “May 21 is the day that Christ came and put the world under judgment.”
Nope you are absolutely right, I cannot leave this idiot be in his holier than everyone else insanity. He’s going to keep opening his mouth and making it easy, I’m gonna keep taking the cheap shots and not look a gift jackass in the mouth!
This weekend’s Rapture failed to take place. Nobody left behind their earthly possessions to hang out in Heaven with other righteous folks.
The Top 5 Excuses for the Rapture Failing to Materialize (Part II)
5> Microsoft Apocalyptic Timing application never got upgraded after Windows Vista.
4> God’s lawyers are contesting MILLIONS of obligated removals based upon ancient, poorly worded and poorly translated contracts.
3> I don’t know, but somehow it’s Obama’s fault.
2> Rapture, shmapture. Yahweh ain’t missing the “Dancing With the Stars” finale.
and The Number 1 Excuse for the Rapture Failing to Materialize…
1> Of the four horsemen, Pestilence called in sick and Famine couldn’t find his pants.
[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
Finally Some Common Sense and Respect Wins Out!
Disney Won’t Trademark ‘SEAL Team 6’
Dishonorable discharge. Less than a month after a daring raid on Osama bin Laden’s secret hideout, the U.S. Navy’s SEAL Team 6 notched a victory over the Magic Kingdom. Walt Disney Co. said it will withdraw an application to trademark the term “SEAL Team 6,” the name of the military unit that took out Osama bin Laden. Less than a week after the Navy SEAL team’s successful mission, Disney moved to patent the name in the hopes of exploiting it for toys and entertainment, making the company the butt of jokes for its greed and annoying the Navy. After the Navy filed its own trademark claim, Disney bailed out. I just want to know why someone in media relations didn’t say at the time that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t such a good idea.
As if it wasn’t clear enough that you shouldn’t mess with Navy SEAL Team 6, Disney is now joining Osama bin Laden on the list of the unit’s recent victims. Shortly after the raid that killed the boss of al Qaeda, Disney registered a trademark application that would apply to to clothing, footwear, toys, games, Christmas ornaments, snow globes, and other items. On Thursday, however, Disney is withdrawing the trademark request, “out of deference to the Navy,” according to a spokesman, after the Navy counter filed its own applications. Disney says it is considering an ABC show about the elite squad.
The move comes after comics and other critics ridiculed the Burbank, Calif., company for trying to profit off bin Laden’s killing. Disney first made the claim two days after the world learned of the secret special-operations unit’s daring mission into the al Qaeda leader’s Pakistan compound.
“Putting a trademark on SEAL Team 6 is like copyrighting ‘The guys who stormed the beach at Normandy,'” joked “The Daily Show” host Jon Stewart last week. “It belongs to all of us.”
Heads up and graphic came from here: http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheat-sheet/item/disney-wont-trademark-seal-team-6/white-flag/?om_rid=NsflgD&om_mid=_BN3qbIB8bafwTl
Additional info was obtained and used from here: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/entertainmentnewsbuzz/2011/05/the-morning-fix-disney-discharges-patent-application-for-seal-team-6-universal-gets-new-marketing-ch.html
Read more about the subject here: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304066504576345752703592770.html?mod=e2tw
The damned dragon got me all worked up with his Last Word yesterday. I was ready to move on to other important issues like recent developments in possible Republican Presidential Candidates and comments by Democrats on who they feared facing or discussing the Afgan Opposition Party Leaders remarks about our killing bin Laden and refusing our aid money. BUT NOOO! Impish just HAD to get me wound up on the subject on the subject of Liberal Hypocrisy. Below is my response to him, of which only a small portion (that in quotation format) appeared in the comments section of the blog:
Congrats, your issue has caused me to scrap an entire upcoming LepLaffs for being beat to the graphics you used (which I suppose you’ll say was in retaliation for my beating you to the dragon graphic the other day) as well as using material from 2 separate future Last Words of mine.
I’ll even go so far as to say yours combining the issues and links you did was masterful, I never would have considered linking it all into one.
However, I am surprised as you shock in realizing the Democrats and more non-specifically Liberals in general live in an alternate universe “Do as we say and want but do not look to us to fund it – are you seriously attempting to get us to practice what we preach on a personal level?” world which sadly has very little to do with reality. In fact interface between their world and ours is only made possible thru the use of “Liberal Lenses” which for all intensive purposes can be compared to “Beer Goggles”.
“Liberal Lenses” a.k.a. “Gullible Glasses” allow liberals to exist and interact with our reality by distorting it to match their unrealistic perceptions and expectations. The Lenses/Glasses also cause them to perceive people like Obama as geniuses with out faults, who’s failures surely MUST be someone else’s responsibility and/or short comings, preferably someone from the opposing party no longer in office. Smoke, bull shit and distorted to the point of unrecognizability facts become sacred dogma and mantras. They are a nearly impervious defense against truth reality and logic as you have seen.
Frighteningly, there was a time not so long ago that the application of “Liberal Lenses / Gullible Glasses” to an individual transforming them in to a Liberal Democrat was reserved until individuals reached college and VOLUNTARILY chose to don them and under go the Lemming Lobotomy procedure which makes them all mindless party drones re-spouting party platitudes without being able to think for themselves or any regard for the long term effects of their socialist agenda.
Now a days however liberals sneakily begin offering these reality distorting devices to GRADE SCHOOL CHILDREN thru their favorite trusted pushers of liberal-socialist toxins…TEACHERS! You yourself caught it happening to your daughter when you discovered a dose hidden in a math problem not long ago which careful phrased the concept it was OK for undocumented illegal immigrants to obtain work under the guise of helping a family member. Though subtle comments and examples such as this, certain revisionist views of history, school boards finding certain “classics” of literature no longer relevant or suitable for school libraries or reading lists as well as the adoption of touchy feelie socially/politically correct rules (the sort which result in school children wearing American Pride T-shirt being sent home because they upset the Mexican illegals who mainly disrupt the classes each day on Cinco de Mayo or get them suspended for rendering an ass whooping to the same faction when they disrespect our flag and taunt the kids to do something about it while chanting anti American slogans taught them by their parents) our children are being taught to be ashamed of being American and that standing up for ones rights and country is somehow wrong and its ok to disregard the territorial sovereignty of the US if you are poor. FURTHER they are being indoctrinated to believe it is their responsibility and duty to provide for these free loaders.
Teachers are usurping too much of parental authority and telling they parents they know better how their child should be raised and what values are appropriate for them then the parents do and this is ALL at the behest of liberals who find their way on to school boards where you basically need not have a single qualification to have access to our children’s minds during their most formative years.
When does it all stop? Perhaps a better question is if it DOESN’T stop and SOON where will we all end up? As Impish stated those college kids refused to acknowledge any responsibility or portion of the ever increasing National Debt. What’s next? They not responsible for a fair share of the taxes to pay for their programs? They not responsible to fight in wars declared by our government because they don’t agree or their person was not in charge when the decision was made? What exactly are they responsible for? Only the portions of their party’s platform and dogma that doesn’t cost them anything or that they reap benefits from?
Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). Send someone a copy of this e-mail or direct them to the blog better yet won’t you? We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!