Good Morning Campers.
Even if it’s not much of a good morning, we still need to put on a good face for the natives and pretend like it’s a good morning. So, everybody grab your coffee and take a BIG swallow. Okay, for those of you who weren’t bright enough to wait until the coffee was a little cool, you can now take a big swallow of ice water to ease the blisters on your tongue. Ok, back to the natives… Take that big swig of coffee and smile…no, really smile, not that stupid fake one that you use on the kids…
Okay, let’s start again…
Big drink, Big smile…and a big…
Now, stop bothering me and get to the rest of the ezine….
Ever wonder what one megabyte looks like?
Well, wonder no longer….
Thanks to your friends at Dragon Laffs, and the miracle of modern technology, we can actually show you, in picture form, what one megabyte looks like:
Or would that be a mega-bite?
Really great quotes on marriage…many of you who aren’t married may not “get” some of these, but those of you that are, will probably laugh all the way through…or cry, maybe.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’
‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
If you want her attention, just whisper.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- Mother’s Day is tough this year. Do you go to the ATM and take out $200 for roses or do you use the $200 to fill up the SUV to go visit mom?
- The price of oil is now under $100 a barrel. The oil companies say they should be passing on the savings to us in six or seven years.
- Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden’s death. They want to call it “Martyr’s Sea.” Please, hiding in your bedroom for six years with the blinds closed? How about “Chicken of the Sea?”
- Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on “Celebrity Apprentice.”
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- It’s not always good to give your child a trendy name. I still haven’t been forgiven by my 18-year-old son Sir Mix-a-Lot.
- “Thor” is a superhero with the strength of the Hulk, the courage of Superman, and the thick, stumpy legs of Khloe Kardashian.
- Thor has a hammer that he can use to crush his enemies and then celebrate by putting up a bookcase or some shelving.
- Thor is a god who lives down on earth among regular humans. Nowadays, we would call that “Oprah.”
Okay, so this one is a bit outdated for the spring. I have a LOT of pictures in my queue to use for Dragon Laffs and sometimes they get a bit dated….but it’s still funny….and besides, it’s gotta be snowing somewhere!!!
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida.
- President Obama will be doing an interview with “60 Minutes,” and Michelle Obama will be doing an interview with Martha Stewart. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden will be doing an interview with a panda he made at Build-a-Bear Workshop.
- Eighty-five-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris have sent out the invitations for their June 18 wedding. That’s right, she told guests to wear white — but bring black, just in case.
All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume.
The first one said, “It may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58.”
“What about you, the same thing?” he asked the other dancer.
She replied, “Oh, yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!
3,000 Arctic Reindeer Face a Mighty Water Crossing
Most famous Homer Simpson Quotes on beer, love, marriage, donuts, alcohol and work.
And my own personal favorite….
‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?
Yes, Sue…you can get an “Amen” from me!
Question to Confucius
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with 10 women,
Everyone calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?
It’s very simple.
‘When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY . .
Direct Quote from “Larry, the Cable Guy”
“Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren’t smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats that can’t swim is a damn genius”.
This is an older post, but is so appropriate to the conditions we are facing in our country today, that it just had to be included in today’s Last Word.
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table ..
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be …. Quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let’s see. Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegal’s came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; Your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ‘Old Glory’ are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the damn bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the poop.
Okay, so just my opinion also, but I’m getting tired of filling the damn bird feeder and cleaning up the shit that is left behind. This country is NOT being the America that we all know and love. Just a couple of fast questions, some of which you may have heard out of me before…
–Why are we giving aid to foreign countries when we have to cut down on teachers, police officers, firefighters and we have our own people living in cardboard boxes in the streets?
–Why are we making deals with impoverished countries to have our drug manufacturers GIVE away their medicine and making our own people choose between buying their medicine for the month or buying food?
–Why are we allowing people who are here in this country illegally to have access to all the things that the hard-working Americans that PROVIDE those things don’t qualify for?
–Why are we allowing this president to buy votes, and thus, buy the presidency, by trying to pass legislation which will legalize all the illegals who are here in our country?
— (Here’s an old one) Why do I have to take a piss-test to earn the money and the people who receive it in the form of welfare don’t?
–Why are we sending our military to a dozen different deserts to defend other’s borders when our own border security is an oxymoronic joke?
–Why is there no public outcry over: his so poorly forged birth certificate? the lack of photographic proof of the death of Osama bin Laden? So many, many other things?
–WHY IS VIRTUALLY THE ENTIRE FRIGGIN’ COUNTRY STANDING AROUND WITH STUPID LOOKS ON THEIR FACES LIKE SHEEP IN LINE FOR THE SLAUGHTER???
Wake up America! The clock is ticking…and it damn well might be attached to a bomb!