Alright quiet in the ranks you Grumbling Goldbricks! At Ease! Slurp or sip it if you got it and it better not be any of mine!
Yes its only Tuesday. No the weekend isn’t here yet. Yes it sucks. Yes I agree the US needs to shift to a 10 hour day 4 day work week schedule and add an extra day to the weekend in theory. However that’s not really going to get us anyplace as it will just make Tuesday “the new Monday”or Thursday “the new Friday” as well as certainly screw up the placement of Hump Day so lets just grit our teeth and get on with it shall we?
Alright then. About Face – Forward Laugh!
We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
– “…stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
– “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
– “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
– “…asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
– “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”
– “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
– “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
– “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
– “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
– “…pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
– “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
– “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
– “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
– “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
– “His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”
– “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
– “…asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”
– “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
That last guy must have been applying for a job as a terrorist.
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.
President Obama returned to Washington, D.C., on Wednesday night expecting to face tough questions on Libya, Japan’s earthquake recovery and other major international crises. But a more personal issue stood in the way: he appeared to be locked out of the White House.
Video of the First Family disembarking Air Force One showed Obama approaching the White House and trying to open a french door–that didn’t budge. Barely pausing, he walked to the next set of doors, peering in as he passed, and tried a third set of doors with success.
Crap! Who the hell left that door unlocked? There’s going to be a White House Marine Detail Guard finding himself standing a watch post in the ass end of Nowhereistan when I get to the bottom of this!
Damn Obama for being so damned dumb too! He couldn’t take the hint? Next time he leaves we’ll just have to move 1600 Pennsylvania Ave so he can’t find it when he gets back!
Florida kayaker has close encounter with enormous shark
Presumably, the kayaker in the video was aware that the massive creature swimming toward him was a harmless basking shark, but the situation must have been unsettling nonetheless. The extremely rare encounter with the planet’s second-largest shark — only the whale shark is larger — occurred off Panama City, Fla. Sightseers and fishermen also witnessed the spectacle. For the sake of perspective, the kayak is 14 feet long. Basking sharks, which can measure 40 feet, feed on plankton and are found in temperate and Arctic waters. Sightings off Florida are very unusual.
I wonder just how much you can crap a kayak before it sinks?
I’ll bet that poor guy came close to finding out!
This just in from our good friend and loyal reader Karl:
As a rule, I don’t pass along these “add your name” lists that appear in e-mails, BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 25 million people. We don’t want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on. Please keep it going!
To show your support for President Obama and the job he is doing please go to the end of the list and add your name.
1. Michelle Obama.
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air
Force One and President Obama strides to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.
They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most
horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic
flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that’s ridiculous. She turns to Obama and explains,
“Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand
that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”
Obama replies, “Your Majesty,
please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn’t said something, I would have thought it was one of the
Impish Dragon at the Beach
I swear he NEVER misses an opportunity for a snack!
In the not too distant future, YouTube, Twitter & Facebook will merge to form one giant, idiotic, super time wasting website called…
I’ve been Obama bashing pretty good today (it’s really hard to refrain from with the amount of quality humorous material out there he so generously provides us) so I figured I might as well end that way too. Yeah this piece is a bit dated but I think this particular view point and my twist one it at the end make it fresh enough and humorous enough to use as today’s Last Word. This comes courtesy of Mike R.
Let me get this straight.
We’re going to be “gifted” with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don’t, which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn’t understand it, passed by a Congress that didn’t read it — but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a president who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn’t pay his taxes, for which we’ll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that’s broke!
What the hell could possibly go wrong?