Good Morning Campers! Lots of special stuff going on today. For those of you who have been following the comments section in our neat little e-zine, you know that there is a picture, somewhere in here that is aimed at our Lethal Leprechaun’s perverted…or …. um … strange affections. See if you can find it.
Sad and happy news today. As we get older, it seems that is more and more the case. Sad news along with most of the happy. Sometimes it seems that there is just a little bit of happy to accompany all the sad news.
Good News: Today is my dear wife’s birthday! My eternal best friend is 43 years old today. Happy Birthday my dear Mary~Mae!
And the Bad News, crushing news: A dear friend, Mike Hale has been diagnosed with Fourth Stage Renal Cancer that has spread to the bones. He is unable to work. He has a wife and two children. Six years in the Navy, eleven years working dispatch for the Indiana State Police, 911 dispatcher in several different counties in north central Indiana. And this poor guy and his family get slammed with this. There will be a fund raiser for his family to help with expenses coming up soon. I’ll have more information.
I know it’s not the kind of thing to start the day off nicely with, but it is life, my dear campers. And life is hard. Sometimes it sucks. But it’s the best we have and we have to make the best of it that we can…..
and with that in mind….
and thoughts and prayers in our heads…..
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled:
“fat, but great personality”
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ….”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that f#*king nun out there again!”
My little Izzy Dragonette wanted to go outside in the warm weather yesterday (which, of course, is going to disappear by this weekend) and was playing with chalk on the driveway. This is the artistic result:
At least it’s spelled correctly. lol.
Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do, Part I
Wow, I just don’t know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don’t you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it’s one thing I hate it’s skinny women.
What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn’t seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
What a break, I won a prize on the radio station…. tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it’s freshly mowed.
Shoot, there’s nothing on TV but football games. Let’s go furniture shopping.
Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
I’m getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
You know, I think I’d really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
Golly I think we’re lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don’t you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I’m busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
If you’re looking for me later, I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
You know, we really don’t visit your relatives enough.
Why don’t you relax this weekend. I’ll take care of the cooking and housework.
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it and there was a young boy standing there who said: “I’m a Jehovah’s Witness”
I said “Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to talk about”?
He said, ” Fuck if I know . . . . . I’ve never got this far before.”
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, “If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He’s the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!”
A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, “Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!”
When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he’s knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he’s picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, riding on a black bear, and using a cottonmouth moccasin snake for a whip.
He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, “I want a beer NOW!!” He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.
The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking.
He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.
As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.
“Do you want another beer?” the bartender calls out.
“Dang it, I don’t have time!” the big man yells. “I gotta get out of town! Didn’t ya hear Big John is a-comin’?”
Ahhhh, just so you know who your friends are. I promised K² I wouldn’t say that he sent this in. So, this was sent in anonymously …..
Lethal got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
“What on earth are you doing down there?” she yelled down from the bedroom. “Get yourself up here to bed and don’t waken the neighbors.”
“I’m trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs,” he shouted.
“Leave it ’till the morning,” she shouted down.
“I can’t,” he said. “I’ve drank it!”
The first expedition to Alpha Centauri had finally returned. The leader of
the expedition, Captain Nero, was making his report to his superior.
“So, Nero, did you find any indigenous life?”
“Yes sir. Intelligent life, if fact. And what’s more, they were almost
completely identical to humans.”
“Almost? What do you mean?”
“Well sir, they have one less joint in their arms.”
“I see. So I suppose you could say that…”
“Yes sir. The natives are wristless.”
Bob in Adelaide Sth Aust
Thank you Bob!
A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
The History of Twitter and Some of Its Impressive Tweets
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel . By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?” He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
“Ike,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel , and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Ike. “I too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.”
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens:
“Funny you should ask,” said the Voice..
“I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . ..”
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?”
To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
“Simple,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”
Thanks to George for sending me this GREAT story:
This came from a gent who runs a 2000 acre corn farm up around Barron, WI., not far from Oshkosh. He used to fly F-4Es and F-16s for the Guard and participated in the first Gulf War.
I went out to plant corn for a bit to finish a field before tomorrow morning and witnessed The Great Battle . A golden eagle – big, with about a six foot wingspan – flew right in front of the tractor. It was being chased by three crows that were continually dive bombing it and pecking at it. The crows do this because the eagles rob their nests when they find them.
At any rate, the eagle banked hard right in one evasive maneuver, then landed in the field about 100 feet from the tractor. This eagle stood about 3 feet tall. The crows all landed too, and took up positions around the eagle at 120 degrees apart, but ke pt their distance at about 20 feet from the big bird. The eagle would take a couple steps towards one of the crows and they’d hop backwards and forward to keep their distance. Then the reinforcement showed up.
I happened to spot the eagle’s mate hurtling down out of the sky at what appeared to be approximately Mach 1.5. Just before impact the eagle on the ground took flight, (obviously a coordinated tactic; probably pre-briefed) and the three crows which were watching the grounded eagle, also took flight thinking they were going to get in some more pecking on the big bird.
The first crow being targeted by the diving eagle never stood a snowball’s chance in hell. There was a mid-air explosion of black feathers and that crow was done. The diving eagle then banked hard left in what had to be a 9G climbing turn, using the energy it had accumulated in the dive, and hit crow #2 less than two seconds later Another crow dead.
The grounded eagle, which was now airborne and had an altitude advantage on the remaining crow, which was streaking eastward in full burner, made a short dive then banked hard right when the escaping crow tried to evade the hit. It didn’t work – crow #3 bit the dust at about 20 feet AGL.
This aerial battle was better than any air show I’ve been to, including the war birds show at Oshkosh . The two eagles ripped the crows apart and ate them on the ground, and as I got closer and closer working my way across the field, I passed within 20 feet of one of them as it ate its catch. It stopped and looked at me as I went by and you could see in the look of that bird that it knew who’s Boss Of The Sky. What a beautiful bird!
I loved it. Not only did they kill their enemy, they ate them. One of the best Fighter Pilot stories I’ve seen in a long time… There are no noble wars– Only noble warriors
Have a great day everyone!