Dragon Laffs #1169


I’ve had this song running around inside my head all morning long…probably because of the insane morning I’ve had.  Pretty sure it’s the increase in pain meds that are doing it to me, but I spent the entire morning….last 6 hours…in Zombieville.  Now, for those of you who have spent any time there, Zombieville can be a fun place, mostly depending on your mode of transportation of arrival.  Trust me, if you got there the way I did this morning, roflmaoZombieville sucks! 
The song is Cathedral by CSN….why that song?  Who knows.  But it’s about dreaming and religion….so, maybe if you were a psychologist, you could make something of it.  (Any head shrinkers out there want to give it a go?  No?  I didn’t think so!  Chicken!  lol)  Anyway, while I try and recover from possibly the worst morning I’ve ever had in my life, why don’t the rest of you get over laughing at me and get on with laughing at the fun!  Let’s Laugh!

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Okay, so the first one isn’t really worth laughing over, even though the subject matter is presented in a humorous way.  We should be afraid….very afraid…over what they are doing over there.  And our dear friends that live in that part of the world….and you know who you are …. you need to be especially afraid and think very seriously about MOVING!!!!!!

animatedcannon

Why does this sound so friggin’ familiar?
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/752.html

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DragonPapa1 (98)

Oh?  The Lyrics?  Okay, here you go…

Cathedral

Six o’ clock
In the morning, I feel pretty good
So I dropped into the luxury of the Lords
Fighting dragons and crossing swords
With the people against the hordes
Who came to conquer.
Seven o’clock
In the morning, here it comes
I taste the warning and I am so amazed
I’m here today, seeing things so clear this way
In the car and on my way
To Stonehenge.
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral
Sunlight pouring through the break of day.
Stumbled through the door and into the chamber;
There’s a lady setting flowers on a table covered lace
And a cleaner in the distance finds a cobweb on a face
And a feeling deep inside of me tells me
This can’t be the place
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral.
All religion has to have its day
Expressions on the face of the Saviour
Made me say
I can’t stay.
Open up the gates of the church and let me out of here!
Too many people have lied in the name of Christ
For anyone to heed the call.
So many people have died in the name of Christ
That I can’t believe it all.
And now I’m standing on the grave of a soldier that died in 1799
And the day he died it was a birthday
And I noticed it was mine.
And my head didn’t know just who I was
And I went spinning back in time.
And I am high upon the altar
High upon the altar, high.
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral,
It’s hard enough to drink the wine.
The air inside just hangs in delusion,
But given time,
I’ll be fine.
Crosby, Stills, Nash – Vocals
Graham Nash – Piano
Joe Vitale – Drums, Timpani, Percussion
George Perry – Bass
Mike Lewis, David Crosby, Graham Nash & Joel Bernstein – String Arrangements

 

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.”

1c
Okay, so what’s up with this?  Another “not really funny, but truthfully funny”?  What’s up with that?  Okay, move along…nothing to see here, move along.

Microsoft Logic

One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

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f49

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.  Watching the doctor’s every move, the man asked, “What’s that?”
       The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic.  After he gets this he won’t know a thing.”
       “Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the father.  “He don’t know nothin’ now.”

26

My long-time boarder was moving out, and I needed an advertisement posted at the local college.  A friend agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the school’s bulletin board.
        I went out of town for a couple of days.  When I got back, I found a number of *strange messages* on my answering machine.  Deciding I had better check out my ad, I went over to the college. 
       And there it was:  Thanks to a typo, my ad read, “Room and Broad, $400 per month.”

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a95

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I did not know that….

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I did not know that, either…

a96

Groaner Zack
It just wouldn’t be a complete issue without a Groaner from Zack…

A 10 PM curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45 PM.
“Why did you do that?” the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
“I know where he lives,” he replied, “and he wouldn’t have made it.”

OMG, here’s another one….and it’s even worse!

What do you get when you dress a young dog in canvas?
A pup tent.
ashamed zack

1a
Ah!  Snuck that one in, didn’t you?

apple

 

Having lived or been stationed in most of these places I can attest to the truth in this piece…
RETIRE WHERE?
Here are some of your choices:
 

You can retire to Phoenix AZ where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for the same Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING
ME?

OR

You can retire to California where….
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s
important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was
different!”

OR

You can retire to Florida where.

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

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New Words for 2011

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You’ve hit ‘reply all’).

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.
 

Donate32222222222222222221

Way cool.  Thanks DVL!

A P51 cockpit,  you can scan around and see everything – even the missing
bolt on the floor�. zoom in……zoom out….. move any direction with the mouse.
http://www.stclairphoto-imaging.com/360/P51-Mustang/P51_swf.html

failed the exam
test-4

test-7

How many of us does she sing about?

27

An “Oriental Abbott and Costello” Telephone Exchange

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I’m Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now,
Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don’t have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

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Glock

Go Green
St. Patrick’s Day is coming soon!

Goats

“I need a raise,” the man said to his boss. “There are three other companies after me.”

“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

29

Brings a whole new meaning to the term “pucker factor”

A fully  loaded Russian IL-76 cargo plane, payload  1  million pounds. This really raises the “holy crap” factor.

Listen to the Australian guys in the tower. Gotta love it.

“The Vodka Burner” as the Aussies call it, literally uses every inch of  runway. This take-off is filmed from the tower.

Turn it up so you can hear the conversation in the tower. They are incredulous that it makes it!

http://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/Videos/2008-2-9-Il76-in-Australia.wmv

 

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w (4)

y4

Southern Ingenuity
        One morning 3 South Georgia good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football game.
        The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
        “How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?” asked one of the Yankees.
        “Watch and learn” answered one of the boys from the South.
        When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
        Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
        He knocked on the bathroom door and said, “tickets please..” the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.
        The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
        That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn’t buy even 1 ticket.
        “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
        “Watch and learn”, answered one of the Southern boys.
        When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
        Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee’s bathroom. He knocked on the door and said “ticket please”.
        There’s just no way on God’s green earth to explain how the Yankees won that war… 

40

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.  He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back.

“Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, while serving a glass of white wine.

“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.”  He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor  doesn’t seem to be doing Saw that comingyou any good,” he sputtered.

“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me a world of good.”

“But you threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed.

“Yes,” the man replied, “but it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”

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This little piece came from my Air Force Emergency Management Association…it’s not just EM, but can apply to All people and All jobs.  Do you know someone like this…could this person be YOU?  It’s worth the read…

Job Tip: 10 ways to lose your job or a promotion
January 29, 2011
 

As you look at the workforce of today there are all sorts of personality types.  Each person has their own way of doing business, relating to others and a work ethic to go with their job.  Maureen Moriarty, Workplace Coach had this list below in a recent column.

  1. Don’t play well with others
  2. Slacker
  3. Be a pain in your boss’s backside
  4. Drama queen–or king
  5. Bad attitude
  6. Difficulty handling change
  7. Saying, “It’s not in my job description”
  8. Don’t do what you commit to do
  9. Talk or post anything negative about your boss or employer
  10. Get defensive about feedback

One of the reasons I like watching American Idol is how people’s views of themselves and their talent don’t match-up well with the fact of who they are.  Everyone needs to be “self-aware” of how they act and how people perceive them.  Where folks get in trouble on American Idol and in the workplace is when they look in the mirror of life and don’t see the person that other people see.

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